Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Devastated, I am having similar issues with ds age 9. He is having problems at school and says he want to be home schooled. I have chatted to the deputy head this morning and have to see his teacher in 20 minutes. School are going to arrange for specialist counselling for him as he is very angry and confused. He is saying things like OW should be stoned to death (heard something on the news about that poor woman in Iraq ) and that his dad should also be stoned but he would enjoy actually throwing the stones at OW whereas someone else can stone his dad but he would like to watch. I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I am totally opposed to capital punishment and frequently have to switch the news off if it's anything violent. Even Crimewatch upsets me! I cannot deal with gratuitous violence or cruelty and to have my own son express things like this is so far the worst thing that has happened in the last 7 months. Trying to tell myself it's just his way of expressing his anger. I'll be back later. Thinking of you.

elsie-hope it went ok with your sons teacher,poor boy it does sound like he has a lot on his mind,what does his dad say about it? When i tell my H about our son playing up at school /home he just does not even acknowledge it,think he does not want to think any of it is his fault.

That ll be denial again fairy and until they decide to change nothing we can do about it.it still blows me away the enormity of it all ,the deceit the hurt etc.but while we are left to sort things out completely heartbroken,they are getting on with their new lives and if they feel guilty they get drunk or stoned ,selfish bastards .

Right. Have spoken to school again. They are sufficiently concerned to have already arranged his first session with the counsellor which took place today. He will see her again on Monday. I don't know whether to feel horrified that they think the problem is so serious or relieved that they are being so supportive. The latter of course, but I do feel terrible. They also offered to arrange support for me - how fabulous is that?! DS came out of school like a new child; happy, singing and relaxed. We took the dog for a walk which was much enjoyed by all and DS is watching tv and singing along. Obviously, he is just relieved that he has someone who will listen to him that is not directly involved. It's like a great weight has been lifted for both of us. His two big issues are whether we can stay in the house and OW - will she try to hurt him, why does dad love her more than him etc etc.

XP is suitably chastened now that school have confirmed that ds is badly affected by his actions and his very poor parenting. However, XP is refusing to speak to the teachers or counsellor because they now know that he directly and deliberately involved ds in the affair for over 2 years. "Why should they know about my private business?" he said. Erm, because your disgusting behaviour over the last 2.5 years has fucked your son's life up, XP! I managed not to use those words but I think he got the message. He's just sent me a text saying "shall I speak to ds about it or will I make it worse?" It is so hard to think of a civil reply to that one. So I haven't replied yet.

I sat and sobbed in front of the deputy head this morning yet I am the one holding everything together for ds and xp can't even be bothered to speak to the teachers. He has swanned off, living the single bachelor life in his swanky new £575pcm 2 bedroomed flat, boozed up every night whilst he wonders which 42" flat screen tv to buy - yes he said that to me! He even had the nerve to brag about how much he would be saving with the 25% single person discount on his band A property while I'm left to run a 4 bedroom band E house. And of course he now tells me that he can't afford to pay the mortgage any more because he has so many bills to pay. Grrr.

Ooh, that turned into a bit of a rant!

Hello Ladies, just checking in. Im doing well, have had my head down for a couple of weeks. Hope things are getting easier for you all x

elsie-that sounds like that session did your son a world of good

Oh Elsie your ex is a plonker Hope this brings it home to him. Can't believe he actively involved his son in his underhand affair for 2 years!

Glad the session helped him though. Glad you had a good cry though, even if it was in front of the school deputy. At least you let it all out and they're offering support.

Oh yes, Tea. OW has a young dd and they used to meet up every weekend using the kids as an excuse. God knows what those poor kids witnessed or if they were left to their own devices while that slimy pair had their fun.

I know I'm a church girl but the first thing that came into my head was "he's a dick"

I've been coping ok with everything, but today ex informs me that he is quitting his job and as a consequence will be unable to provide for his DC. This would be fine, if we did'nt have bills and debts to pay. I cannot afford all this on my own. We will hopefully sell the house soonish (they seem to be selling well in our area) which will rid me of any dependence on him. Until then, I'm panicking about how I'll manage to even feed the DC. Hs anyone any advice on what to do?
If this wasn't enough, I popped into see mil, who only 2 nights ago was lovely. She's just been really off with me, and made me feel guilty all over again for asking him to leave when I discovered his affair, and that I haven't been supportive enough to him in the last couple of years that his job has been difficult. Believe me, I tried to help, but he threw it all back in my face, blamed me for his work and our home issues, started an affair, and when he left was so distant and when seeing his DC, hyping them up and upsetting the older one with his constant teasing - which he thinks is funny but not our DS.
Any advice or pearls of wisdom?

Ring the mortgage company and explain you're separated etc and they'll probably put you on a payment break or reduce the mortgage to interest only at the very least. C&G were fantastic with me. Make sure you're claiming your single persons discount if you're living with only the children for your council tax too, that'll really help. Ring tax credits and explain you're separated and he's not supporting you properely, they'll make sure your claim is a single persons claim and it'll go up. They should also give you the number to make a claim by phone for income support as well. Housing benefit doesn't commence until about 16 weeks after income support starts, so most mortgage companies are flexible and would rather put you on a payment break as it would cost far more to evict you. Don't panic. You'll be ok. My H lost his job as we separated and I was well taken care of. As it's been said before these feckless men cost the Government millions!

You may have to wait until Monday to make certain phone calls but tax credits will be open tomorrow. Make sure everything is going into your own bank account too.

The bank may give you a temporary overdraft too if you call them until all the benefits kick in.

Citizens Advice are fab for advice so well worth a visit too.

Oh yes and most important of all call the CSA too. Until his job ends you'll get 20% for the DC and they'll make sure you get whatever you're due whenever he earns in the future Having a third party inbetween is fabulous, I can atest to that. They do not like it to begin with but they cannot argue with them or try and make excuses

Can he not stay in his job til u sell the house.have u checked out everything that ur entitled too.if he is anything like my X he will have played the victim to his mother to feed his ego .I would say to mil I'm sorry u feel like that but it takes 2 people to make a marriage and one of them was committing adultery.

Notsure, mil is feeling defensive, worried and possibly guilty for producing such a feckless son. She is clutching at straws. Are the debts in joint names?

Hi all

Elsie, never ceases to amaze me how much these XP's fail to understand how their actions impact others. Sounds like you are handling it all very well and no problem with tears, they help IMHO.

Hi Notsureinnots, good advice from Tea and Patience I think (Patience, would love to say that about The Saint to my MIL). My XH also gave up work and I am waiting for my solicitor to advise me on how that will be regarded for the divorce. He has never paid me a penny and, in fact, on the rare occasion we meet for a coffee (urgh, to discuss admin) he hangs around waiting for me to pay.

Hi
Debts are joint. He refuses to stay in job because in his words - it would drive him to do himself in. I know what you mean about him playing the matter to His mother. At our DS birthday on wed - he was walking around with head down in a "look at me" gesture. I ignored it an carried on as normal because I refuse to get dragged into his c**p anymore. I will do calls to tax credits and bank re mortgage tomorrow. Thanks.

Sometimes with joint debts talking to them can help you all come to an arrangement.

If you have joint bank accounts, once they know you're separated they're happy to freeze them so no money can be withdrawn from them and all sorts of things. I learnt this with HSBC as my H was dreadful with money and I couldn't risk direct debits bouncing once separated. They opened me my own bank account and moved across my personal direct debits. It all sounds like a lot to organise but it's all very liberating when it's done.

He can bury his head in the sand all he likes but as long as you're sorted, it's his problem. My ex H is always talking about how much he struggles financially and the red letters he is getting. I'm sitting with my own bank account now and making ends meet each month. I'm not living the luxury life but it's a relief to no longer share an account with him. I'm ok. He's not, but it's not my problem, as he chose to cock his life up and career due to an affair.

Yes, Tea is right. My income has more than halved as I have reduced my hours by 33% so that I can be at home more for ds and xp says he cannot afford to give me much - yawn . But it is extremely liberating and I do have the luxury of my own savings. It's my call now and nobody can piss it up the wall any more. I actually enjoy budgeting whereas xp doesn't have even a basic idea. He's 43 and never had to do it before . He's in for a shock, methinks.

My XP also has no idea about budgeting. He is 43 and has never paid the bills - always me. Cannot wait to be liberated from all his c**p!

Indeed, I'm not a revengeful person but I think in your shoes I would enjoy watching him sink or swim.

Coffeedodger, firepile, wherecanihide, longdarktunnel, cloudedview etc how are you all? You're all so quiet.

Et - good luck with going back to work this weekend, hope it goes well, think you will enjoy some normality once you get back into the swing of things. Who's looking after DS?

I had a rather lovely evening out with a few work colleagues at an authentic Indian restaurant, made a nice change and I think they were impressed that I made the effort to go as I never really went to anything they arranged.

Be back mater hope everyone is ok.

Hi Romney, glad you had a good evening out. You must make a habit of it now. XP is having ds at his parents' house as he doesn't get his flat until Tuesday. He's spent the last two months saying he couln't possibly have ds to stay there blah blah blah but suddenly it's ok .

I do think it's terrible that the taxpayer has to fund these feckless father's though. XP earns £40k but sayshe'll struggle to give me the CSA minimum . Yet I earn less than half that as I do 2 shifts per week and I'm expected to carry on as normal and run the family home. I'm bloody well going to do it though!!!

Hopeeveryone is ok this morning. Im still in bed .

Oooo mmm yum Indian food. I used to often not go to things I was invited to. I now try and make the effort too.

Elsie at your ex H saying he's not sure he can afford the minimum payment for his DS.