Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 10/01/2011 10:50

If you don't want to be with him then don't be with him. But don't bring your son into the equation. WHy don't you want him to touch you? ANd why the need for an ultimatum? It does sound like he gets in a bit too much too soon. Can you ask him to take a step back and take things slower for a while and see if that helps?

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 10:51

To talk this through more would you be able to answer some questions?

Why make up your mind today on his terms? What was the incident that has not been resolved, why has it not been resolved? What are the grand gestures? How is he behaving that makes you think he is soooooo into you?

StuffingGoldBrass · 10/01/2011 10:53

He sounds like a knob. TBH a man who is 'a bit too much in love with you' is often a man who is going to get abusive - the fact taht he is basically trying to bully you into making a commitment is a bad sign.
Very charming, very romantic men can be really bloody dangerous: the key thing here is that you feel unsettled by him and uncomfortable around him.
I strongly suggest you tell him to fuck off and be prepared for the fact that he may get a bit stalky.

Sarsaparilllla · 10/01/2011 10:53

I think you should talk through the issue you had that you don't feel is resolved, and also slow things down a bit if you feel they've moved too quick and got serious too soon.

It's not fair of him to give you an ultimatum of a decision today, that's no way to sort things out in a relationship

msboogie · 10/01/2011 11:01

It's very offputting, that sort of behaviour and it has put you off. Nothing you can do about that. Literally nothing, because oncce you get that feeling you end up feeling quite trapped and long for the thing to be over. To be fair to yourself and him you need to end it. None of the reasons you gave are sufficient to keep going and wouldn't be enough to sustain the relationship anyway. Let him go find the needy woman who will love his overblown gestures.

Maybe next time don't let your DS get so close until the relationship is definitely a runner? Not criticising you - just something to reflect on...

Original poster
whethergirl · 10/01/2011 11:02

BooBooGlass, I know it really has nothing to do with my son, I just feel really upset about that, he has been so happy to have dp in our lives and be able to feel he has a dad. I don't know why I don't want him to touch me, I don't know if it's because I don't fancy him or because I've just got no sex drive atm. He has given the ultimatum because he says he has been through this before and it's not fair on him to be hanging on for a bit of hope.

MummieHunnie, I did suggest we spend some time apart for me to "work out my feelings" (so cliche Blush ) but he insists that I should know my feelings. Either I love him or I don't. Grand gestures include proposing 2 months into the relationships, talking about moving in and putting the house in MY name, wanting a tattoo with my name. He believes we are soul mates.

Incident coming up....

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 10/01/2011 11:05

He sounds a massive wanker in that case.
But why oh why have you let your son consider him a dad when you've been together 10 months?? How much time is he spending with your son? I think it's quite inappropriate to involve the children too much too soon, but I know plenty of friends who disagree with me on that one.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:05

Go with your instincts. You don't love him. Anything else is 'if's' and 'but's'. You don't love him and he's giving you an ultimatum after 10 months. Run like the wind. And I would consider keeping your DS at arms length from potential partners until you're a bit more certain of them.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 11:06

whethergirl, does his behaviour not worry your or your friends/family?

I wonder if you being unsure is you gut talking to you? Why did your relationships with ds's dad break up?

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:06

oh yuk, putting pressure on you to make a decision today

a red flag, my love and you should run away

you can't make yourself love someone and this bloke is rightly giving you the creeps

get rid

realrabbit · 10/01/2011 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StuffingGoldBrass · 10/01/2011 11:07

FFS red flag after red flag. Don't wait for him to call, ring him up and dump him now. Explain to your DS that the bloke wasn't really nice enough to be a proper daddy, list all the people who love and care about DS and reassure him that not everyone has a dad anyway.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:08

ah, your further post just throws up even more red flags

get shut of him, and I am puting pressure on you now Wink

do it today irrevocably, no time apart to "consider your feelings (or his)

WinkyWinkola · 10/01/2011 11:09

You don't have to decide today at all. Decide soon obviously so as to not mess him around but today isn't reasonable.

You don't fancy him though, do you? Feeling suffocated by a partner is a big turn off.

Original poster
whethergirl · 10/01/2011 11:10

Posted about the incident before on another thread and I don't want to bore anyone with details, but basically things came to a head after he had frittered a large amount of money which he was apparently saving for our future. I emailed him of my concerns that it showed he was irresponsible and not true to his word, also that for a couple of months he had a drinking problem and depression which I supported him through, but that it would make me question a future with him esp with a ds to consider. He was absoloutely devasted, he believes love will conquer all, whereas I believe love isn't always enough.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:10

I don't even need to hear about any more "incidens" tbh

this bloke will turn into a conrolling wanker he minute you commit to him

he is half way there already (and you have been a fool to submit to this fuckwittery for he sake of a "daddy" for ds)

cut your losses right now, before you get in deeper

madonnawhore · 10/01/2011 11:11

What a weird way for him to behave. There really is no other answer to give him other than 'it's over' because what's the alternative? You tell him you want to continue the relationship but nothing will have been sorted, nothing will have changed, you'll still feel the same way about him and he'll still be pushing you to act differently with him or end the relationship and you'll be back to ultimatum time again.

It's very immature of him to think that that's a solution.

I agree with AF: red flag here.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:11

Just be prepared for him to not go without a bit of an emotional fight, OP. I bet if you say 'Yeah, actually I think we'd be better splitting', you get at least one tears and snot phone call declaring undying love. Do not be guilted in to a suffocating relationship

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:11

cross posted

ah, I remember you now

you were advised to get shut of this fuckwit then

are you going to listen this time ?

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 11:12

Have your parents had codependancy issues also?

Get therapy for you and get rid of him

Original poster
whethergirl · 10/01/2011 11:13

I abosloutely take responsibility that I let the situation develop of ds seeing him as a dad. I didn't actively enourage it, but didn't stop it either. I was very very stupid to do that after such a short time, and accept all critiscism for that. DP DID actively encourage it, DS was so happy for it, and I should have just calmed that down.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 11:15

Seriously to help with the boundaries and protecting yourself and your son, and to work out why you are attracted to men like this man, therapy would be the way to go.

Original poster
whethergirl · 10/01/2011 11:15

BooBoo, I suppose in the beginning I was keen to see that ds and dp would actually get on as that was important to me. And then it all got carried away....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:18

of course DP encouraged and actively pushed it, I guess

another way to tighten the control around you

are you telling him the answer is "no, we split finally, thanks but no thanks"

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:18

Another red flag. Most men don't rush in to a relationship with their new partners children. It is a great way of worming his way in to your life and making you feel beholden, though, isn't it? This man needs firmly showing the door IMO.