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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:10

Was already feeling like his entire emotional well being was depending on me Poly! Thanks for the continued support. And chickens that was so funny, could do with the light relief!

OP posts:
whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:14

But don't you think it would be better for ds to see him again? Rather than going from dad figure to never seen again? Not forgettting I've already had to tell him about his own real dad who hasn't seen him since he was 2 (3.5 years ago).

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:16

Whethergirl, are you for real with your 12.14 post?

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:17

Could you trust ex-dp to not dump emotional blackmail on your son ?

he has used him already by pushing a relationship too fast with him (which you enabled)

think very, very carefully about this

sungirltan · 10/01/2011 12:19

hey wg - glad to help. if he is harrasing you for stuff leave it with someone else but otherwise suggest you meet up in a couple of weeks to exchange thing - and no earlier. will give him a chance to lick his owunds for a bit.

wrt ds, he will be ok. its normal for a child to form an attachment to an adult that shows an interest in them/plays with them/build a reltionship with them. its when they dont/cant form an attachement that you need to worry but kids are resiliant - remember they make and lose friends all the time and think nothing of it

can i join the loser bashing team?

JustForThisOne · 10/01/2011 12:19

But don't you think it would be better for ds to see him again?

nope

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:19

< pins badge on sgt >

JustForThisOne · 10/01/2011 12:23

ummppsss (I didnt get offered a budge)
can i rephrase my last post
insted of nope / father figure my arse ! Grin

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:23

The man is someone you don't love, he has been identified as raising red flags of abuse, he is not ds's dad, he is not your partner, he is not the sort of person you want as a role model (please tell he is isn't), he has addiction problems with drink, and some issues with 12k and guitar's and takeaways (possibly referrals to a previous thread), why oh why do you think so lowly of your ds that he only deserves someone like that in his life.

I also also concerned that your friends and family have no red flag radar's or think so lowly of you that they think it is ok for someone like this man you ended it with today is great for you!

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:23

What do you mean MummieHunnie, which bit?

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sungirltan · 10/01/2011 12:24

noooo wg! dont let him carry on a relationship with ds it will cause all manner of upset in the long run. rip the plaster off and do the speech 'i am your mummy and i will always be here no matter what and thing with uss will stay the same, grandma (or whoever) will always be your grandma and x y and z will always stay the same etc etc etc' then you make sure by continueing your family routine in exactly the way it was before. if there was a special activity that dp did with ds then replace it with something else. spend lots of time together talking. he will be ok

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:25

AF, I wouldn't do it straight away, and I certainly would talk to him beforehand to make sure he didn't come out with any numbers.

OP posts:
sungirltan · 10/01/2011 12:25

(beams at anyfucker) i have arrived!!!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:25

< pins badge on JFTO >

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:29

MummieHunnie, you are right about everything you've implied about ex (omg EX!) but he has still been fantastic with ds. Spent quality time with him, patient, attentive, and has a good teasing/fun banter with him as he does with his own dd.

My family don't really know him well enough and on the surface, he is actually a really nice guy! Friendly, good conversationist, polite, respectful etc.

My friends however have raised a few eyebrows. All have said they like him, he is a nice guy BUT that he has serious issues, too needy with me and an addictive personality.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:31

so, are you going to let ds and him have that final, emotional, gut-wrenching, dramatic goodbye ?

or are you going to be sensible, and protect your ds from further manipulation ?

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:33

Next time your friends raise eyebrows about a man in your life are you going to take note? Why have your family not rised eyebrows?

If abusive people were monsters 24/7 they would not manage to draw people in to abuse would they? They all start off being nice and carry on being nice through the crappy bits to keep you hooked.

I would still if i was you go and look into some therapy to sort out your radar, selfworth and boundaries if I was you.

IAPJJLPJ · 10/01/2011 12:34

If this relationship was right for you, and if you were truly happy and in love - you wouldn't be questioning if you should stay or go.

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:43

AF wasn't thinking of it as them actually saying goodbye, but just maybe not such an abrupt end. But actually, will have to really think about it I can not exclude the possibility of ex becoming tearful and telling ds "You know I'll always love you" which could end up being upsetting for him.

MummieHunnie, in my defence, I've not had many relationships and not been in a relationship for last 6 years. Would not rule out therapy, but also aware therapy does not always save the day and do feel that this has been a real wake up call for me. I was ignoring red flags from the beginning of this relationship and I just can't and won't do that anymore. I think I was so lonely at the time that I was willing to ignore the warning bells. Well I never totally ignored them, I just turned the volume down iyswim.

OP posts:
Justthisone · 10/01/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:51

It is not just the ignoring the warning bells, you would have carried on if he had not given you an ultimatum by the sounds of it, and you were seriously considering your ds to carry on a relationship with this man after you had split from him.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:53

Also, in a ten month relationship with someone you have never lived with, how many times have your ds actually met him, I would imagine you waited 3-6 months to introduce them, and then what every second weekend for a day? not that often in the grand scheme of things to have a relationship with this man.

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 13:05

MummieHunnie....erm, not quite! I introduced him quite quickly as intended it to be a casual intro, after all I have other male friends who I've met for playdates etc. And then after a few months of sporadic meeting up....every single wkd, him staying over 2 nights one wkd and every other wkd for 1 night with his dd. I suppose it was important for me to know they could get on before I even got too attached but obviously that was a bad plan. Can't always get a babysitter to go out so I guess it was also a practical arrangement for spending time together. When you get to your late 30's (and late 40's in his case) you don't really time to be dating forever, and the goal is to find out if you can be together as a couple.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 10/01/2011 13:45

Don't let this man near your DS again. He will say something awful and upset him, because he doesn't have DS best interests at heart at all. Wankers like this man are obsessed with themselves and getting their own way, you have done your DS a real big favour by getting rid of this creep.
As to his stuff, bag it up and pass it on to a mutual friend if possible, if it's too big to post. If you have to hand it to him yourself, meet on neutral ground, hand it to him, say, 'Goodbye and good luck' and walk away.
And do be prepared for stalking from him, and if he starts, tell him that you will call the police if he continues. ANd do it if you need to.

whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:04

Well as you guessed, his last text, wasn't his last text. He is now wanting me to give him the reasons why I don't want to be with him anymore, and how he got things so badly wrong. He has become very self indulgent in taking all the blame - or maybe he is taking responsibility for it? I told my friend who has started a list off for me:

  1. His previous drinking problem put a dent in the relationship (how can I be sure it won't reappear)
  1. He gets a bit self indulgent with his depression (doesn't seem too fair this one, but I know what she means)
  1. He can be too clingy
  1. He spent his life savings in 5 months and will struggle to provide financially for a family as he's already nearly 50

He says he really needs to know and is begging me to tell him as he feels he is losing the plot.

OP posts:
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