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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:50

wg, sungirltan had some good advice on how to break it to your son

do what she said

you have done the right thing, honestly

now

the best advice all of us can give you is ...

disengage

do not get dragged into protestations of undying love, threats to harm himself nor promises to change

please listen the first time, this time Smile

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:51

JFTO...horribly funny, but true yes ?

JustForThisOne · 10/01/2011 11:52

whethergirl well done, now get a new sim card pronto Smile

ps: I want to be part of the team can I? {AF+CAFUTR}

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:53
AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:53

'course you can, JFTO

the more the merrier

just roll yer sleeves up and get stuck in...there are plenty to go at Grin

JustForThisOne · 10/01/2011 11:54

RRRRReady when you are Grin

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:55

WG...you can join us too

putting fuckwit men back in their box...you have a stripe after today Grin

WannabeaShootingStar · 10/01/2011 11:55

If he was any kind of a man he would give you plenty of time to decide.

When I first dated DH he still had 'issues' going back to a recent and very bad split from an ex. After six months together I felt his heart wasn't really in it and I walked away until he was ready.

In our case it paid off and we have been back together eight years and are now married with three children. I truly believe this would never have happened if I hadn't of walked away and given him the time an space he needed.

I am also a little concerned about the money and drinking issues. These are probably things that won't go away in a long term relationship but will get worse. He is more than likely 'on his best behaviour' at this stage of the game....

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 11:56

Well that was easy. He just text back to say thanks for everything, take care.

Thanks sungirltan, I will do my best for ds, that's life and I can't protect him from everything. And you're right, I KNOW it's a terrible reason to stay with someone, but really did'nt have the heart cos of ds. But as my friend told me, kids can and do move on, our hurt for them is often greater than their own hurt.

Chickens and AF, you make a good Batman and Robin. Not saying who is who though, don't want any superhero fallouts.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 10/01/2011 11:56

if ytou email him back detailing all the issues and faults, he can then say, great, no problem , i can change that!

just leave it now, you've finished it. move on

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:57

Just be prepared for him to contact you again, or ask to meet. And practice ignoring your phone, and saying 'No'.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:58

wg, I don't wish to alarm you but I doubt very much if this is the last you hear of him

be prepared for more fuckwittery

Batman/Robin ??? hmmm, I dunno

who has the biggest sword ?

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 11:58

AF can be Batman. I'd quite like going about saying stuff like 'Holy Flaming Fuckwits, AF!' and 'Great Galloping Knobheads, AF!'.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 11:59

pmsl

PolythenePam · 10/01/2011 12:01

I'm with the others....this blokey needs to work on learning his lesson from the past relationships and being way less intense. He sounds very immature.

I'd be off like a shot myself - before you know it, his entire emotional wellbeing will depend on you. Yeuch!

As an asides...next bloke you pair up with....I would leave your kid out of it until you are sure he is who you want. xxx

JustForThisOne · 10/01/2011 12:03

WS shall repeat myself, get a new sim card
and get ready to rambo

sic if only it would be that easy, surely you cannot believe that WS should you be so lucky ...

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 12:05

Well we will have to meet at some point, to give back CD's, he has clothes and 3 pairs of shoes here, his ds' scooter, etc.

Oh fuck, poor ds Sad . Imagining horrible moment when he comes to pick up his things, and ds running to hug him and telling him he's missed him etc.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:05

Well done.

He has kind of shot himself in the foot, he wanted a quick response on his terms, and was probably hoping for another response, now he has to deal with being dumped, which he will probably turn around and say it was him that dumped you.

You have had a lucky escape.

I think unless you are expecting any phone calls from anyone important today, that you should turn off your mobile, especially later tonight after work and pubs time.

Have you got caller disply on your home phone?

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 12:06

You could leave his things with a mutual friend/family member/local dogs home? No need for him to see you or your DS.

MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 12:06

Forget your stuff, post his stuff back to him or leave it on the door step (I did that with first boyfriend), end contact now, or it will turn ugly.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:07

nope, don't let that happen

bag up his stuff and drop it at his no excuses for any more emotional scenes

Anniegetyourgun · 10/01/2011 12:07

If he's got concerns about why his relationships all end this way, he might want to consider counselling. It is not your job as his XGF to provide that even if you were fully qualified to do so (I'm guessing you aren't). Indeed you could do more harm than good. [prim expression]

God, I wish there'd been a Mumsnet when I was dating XH. My only excuse was that I was blinded by all the red flags.

piratecat · 10/01/2011 12:08

you don't think you fancy him or that you are in love with him.

there is no future then. let him go.

thenightsky · 10/01/2011 12:08

Oh yes.. I remember the 12k on guitars and take aways.

Well done for getting shut quickly and cleanly this morning!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2011 12:09

the drama is over

don't feed into it any more

there is no reason to see him, and certainly not for ds to get upset with a scene

I wouldn't trust this pillock not to pull an "I love you but your mummy won't let me see you any more...."

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