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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 11/01/2011 17:10

How tediously predictable of him.

Don't bother drilling down into that amount of detail. Try not to engage with him on any emotional level, just send a very topline email back saying that you simply don't want to continue the relationship, you don't love him and can't see a future for you two. Wish him all the best and then ask him not to contact you because you're not comfortable being in touch at the moment.

wannabesybil · 11/01/2011 17:15

Sales personnel are trained to identify objections in order to reject them. He is hoping you will provide reasons so that he can attack those reasons leaving you feeling unable to do anything but continue the relationship. He wants ammunition to attack any reasons for the split.

Probably best just saying that it didn't feel right.

MummieHunnie · 11/01/2011 17:16

I would say the same as Madonna, you are sorry that you caused him upset, that it is not fair on him to be with someone who does not love him as he wants and deserves, that you wish him well and that space would be good for you both.

He is fifty, he sounded late twenties from your posts Shock

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 17:16

Him wanting a list is just him trying to keep a dialougu open so that he can convince you he is the lurve of your life. Just say 'No, sorry, I'm out'. He'll probably go from 'Oh, you're so lovely and I'm such a knob, no wonder you don't want to be with me' victim status to 'You cold, unfeeling cow. I love you and this is how you treat me? I might have to kill myself' etc etc. So respond with madonna's email (never thought I'd type that Wink) and then get on with your life. And stop sitting around like a teenager making lists and playing in to his angst. It's unnecessary.

whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:25

Chickens, you have practically quoted him word for word there: 'Oh, you're so lovely and I'm such a knob, no wonder you don't want to be with me'.

lol at teenager insult, I know...but I guess I feel a bit guilty. It's horrible being heartbroken. He has always tried so hard to please me and hasn't done anything "wrong" as such, it would be so much easier if he'd had an affair or something. He has really put himself out for me on many occassions, but i just get the feeling he would do anything and/or everything to keep me and that just isn't healthy.

Will do a Madonna! Much easier and less of a head fuck and less for him to punish himself over.

OP posts:
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:28

Oh and the reason he gave me for wanting a list of reasons is so that he can progress and learn from it.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 11/01/2011 17:33

Don't engage with him.

Send him mummiehunnie's reply - word for word.

Say that you will not be replying to any more of his texts.

salsaprincess · 11/01/2011 17:34

STAY!! He sounds amazing and I don't think any long term partners feel 100% in love all the time - you're just going through a tricky patch - let it run its course. If you're splitting up, it shouldn't be because of 'something you can't put your finger on' but 'something you acknowledge is absolutely unacceptable to you'.

Good luck :)

S xx

whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:38

oh bloody hell salsaprincess, just what I need.....

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 17:39

WTF SALSA Shock

givemesomespace · 11/01/2011 17:39

Bloke perspective: run a fucking mile and buy a disguise.........

madonnawhore · 11/01/2011 17:39

Wow, salsa are you on crack?

OP, you don't owe him analysis or help with his personal growth. If you guys are split up, that's not your business or responsibility any more.

He'll just have to figure it out on his own like anyone else who has ever been dumped (i.e. everyone) has had to do.

whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:41

pmsl @ crack comment

Salsa - you are not single by any chance are you? And looking for an "amazing" boyfriend that fits the description above? This could be a happy ending after all....

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 11/01/2011 17:42

Block him.

DO NOT let him see your son again.

He should know what the issues are at 40 and since this is relationship number 3 that has gone the same way, I wouldn't hold out much hope of him learning anything. Don't waste your time.

whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:43

Givemesomespace - would love some bloke perspective, could you elaborate a little? (not a very blokey thing to do admittadely Grin )

OP posts:
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:45

IAmReallyFabNow....even worse, he's 50...

OP posts:
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 17:49

I text him back and he has thanked me for my honesty, etc. In my text I did mention, as an example, that I found his frequent victim status hard to deal with esp having been brought up by one (my dad). He text back:

"Just hope you never feel like a victim, sometimes people are! It's how things work, don't judge your dad."

Can't believe how ironically victimesque that was!

OP posts:
givemesomespace · 11/01/2011 17:49

1: Relationships should be equal - if they're not it's gonna be an uphill struggle from day one
2: The guy's clearly got no self respect - that's not gonna get any better
3: You don't fancy him
4: He's a nutter....

Let me know if you need anymore

ChippingIn · 11/01/2011 18:02

whethergirl - generally speaking I feel that the dumped party does deserve an explanation - however, do you not remember how nasty his email/text was last time?

He isn't going to listen - he's just going to try to control you, he's going to accuse you (again) of being a money grabber etc etc

Just text back, 'We both know it's not right, sorry but this is the end of it. Will drop your stuff off at x'

Do not engage - do not even think about taking him back, he's a nightmare on so many levels.

Whatsit is either on crack or hasn't actually read the thread and certainly can't have read your other thread - stop grasping at straws. He is not a responsible, loving adult.

IAmReallyFabNow · 11/01/2011 18:04

Has he had a birthday since 13:05 on Monday when you said he was late 40's?

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 18:07

lots of reasons

  1. he is a fuckwit

  2. he is a fuckwit

  3. he is a fuckwit

  4. he is a fuckwit

ad nauseum

You are still not listening to us, WG

we know the script, remember

ignore

oh, and salsa, learn to read why dontcha

Littlefish · 11/01/2011 18:20

I think that Salsaprincess is actually the OP's boyfriend in disguise Wink

Katisha · 11/01/2011 19:12

I can see WG that a list of reasons might be helping YOU to understand why you don't feel right with him.

But as others have said, I don't think employing you as his psychoanalist is right either. He is and always has, put the responsibility for his wellbeing onto you. And is still doing so.

Tell him if he's after counselling to go get a counsellor.

What are you doing about his stuff?

bathbuns · 11/01/2011 19:30

whethergirl I've just been in a very similar situation to you except I was only with him for a month. The obsessive love and constant texts freaked me right out. On the surface he was lovely, intelligent, caring and quite good looking, but I felt exactly like you descrie in your first post.

With the whole breaking up texts he kept saying the issue was with me and how I was interpreting him and he hadn't been given a fair trial. He also said he would have been devoted to me (and already was) and would have given me the moon. It was just vomit inducing bearing in mind we had only just met. He kept saying he was convinced we would be married. One of his last texts to me was 'Age well.' It made me laugh so much. On our last date he insisted on recreating a Dr Who scene (where the Dr dies) with the soundtrack playing in the background. It lasted 5 minutes. He was writhing on the floor and groaning and crying. I keep that image in my head when I think of him Wink

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 19:52

Arf at 'Age well' Grin