I have to decide today

[whethergirl]

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

Hehe, not surprised at that unearthly hour.

WG, hope you're OK today and busying yourself with the practical tasks of getting his stuff out and changing the locks, blocking his number, etc.

No contact!! He's an adult - clearly flawed, as we all are - and will have to take responsibility for himself. He's NOT your responsibility, you've got enough to care for with yourself and DS.

If he turns up at the house, call the old bill if he won't go away. (This may be important later on if he needs some 'help' to stop contacting you.)

With regards to the counselling, my counsellor actually came recommended by another counselling friend, so difficult to say about technique/approach. Ask for a recommendation from someone local to you? Most good counsellors offer you a preliminary chat that's free, take that as your best indicator as to whether it would work for you.

Be positive, this has been a wake up call for you, you're clearly a compassionate person who'd like to make things better for others. Use that to help yourself and DS, not this chap. You don't have to be key to his enlightenment, don't let your 'healer's ego' get in the way of your personal safety (we all have one of those.)

Whats happening OP? Did you get those locks changed? Please say you did. I've been following the thread and so concerned for you. Let us know you are ok.

How's things WG?

Thanks so much for asking, I stayed at my friends last night and only just gone on line again.

Not sure if it was entirely helpful being with this particular friend - as she is a female version of ex when it comes to relationships! She gave me a lift back home and took all his stuff back. Got the locks changed Sat morning.

He has sent texts/left msgs/voicemails all apologising for his behaviour. I've ignored it until now. I got one text last night begging for me to call him, he promised it wasn't about us, but that he felt desperate and needed help and had no-one else to call. It was difficult, but I ignored that also.

I know a few people on here will think the following is a bit pathetic, and will flame me if they can be bothered to anymore.

Packing his stuff was horrible, then listening to my friend's account of him breaking him down was also hard to stomach. He then sent me another email half hour ago and I couldn't help but be affected by it, as it seemed very genuine and heartfelt, no selfish victimisation, just apologies and thanking me for what we had, and sincerely wishing me the best for the future. It was from the person I know, rather than the nasty side I saw to him. I feel really sorry for him. He has admitted to being emotionally immature and needy.

I know I've got PMT, but I do feel more upset about this now than I have before.

Please keep ignoring him. He is trying to pull at your heartstrings so that you will contact him and he will be full of remorse, he will promise you the earth. He will do anything to try and persuade you that you have made a terrible mistake or he will be so humble and apologetic that you will begin to question whether you have made the right decision. you have!
Don't respond, don't engage. You are worth so much more.
Take care

Also, you have great insight about your friend being a female version of your ex. Therefore take everything she says with a pinch of salt.
REMEMBER: YOU ARE WORTH MORE

WG you can't just turn yourself off just like that, much as many on here would like you to be able to.

However you have seen what this man really is, and you know it's not right. You are not there to rescue him.

The thing about people like this is that they can only see their own version of reality. And that version of events is so compelling to them that rational people around them start to doubt themselves, like you do. You hate to come over as cruel and uncaring, but the fact is that nothing you do or say will have any effect on this man. He can only see things as they affect him.

Carry on being strong, don't indulge in guilt, and certainly carry on not engaging. It's the only way forward.

He would much rather you carried on undulging him by talking about where it all went wrong, how he is needy and this and that - it's all about HIM. It's not about you, and its not about your son, who was just a prop in his self-obsessed fantasy of family life.

You have to let it go now. Don't reopen dialogue because you feel sorry for him. It wont help either of you.

End of sermon.

Aww WG of COURSE it was horrid to hear him down & to pack up the stuff

Until a week or two back things were great between you -well mostly- and you thought you had a future

Its a tough time and you are doing really well by not engaging with him

Well done on all you have done, and keep up the good work!!!

Just to add - you have had to let go of hopes and dreams of a family life as well - of course it's hard, but the reality was nothing like the fantasy.

Strong, true and reassuring words that I need to hear, thank you. I guess I am allowed to feel some kind of grief as it is the end of an era in my life. I know it was only 10 months but my life was different for that time.

Katisha, that is such an excellent point...he is SO convinced by his version of things, it has confused me on many occassions and I think delayed my decision to split up with him. And you are right, it is all about him. In his email he said I made him feel "loved and desired, respected and important" - it's like without me, he can't be or feel these things.

"its not about your son, who was just a prop in his self-obsessed fantasy of family life".

Thank you for that, because I know it to be true and it helps me to remember that, rather than think I have let ds down in any way. He told me he loved ds as much as his own dd (which I knew was ) and he was so into this whole happy family thing...he even told me once "I wish you were dd's mother..." I was really shocked to hear that (and only after I'd met her about 5 times). She has a perfectly good mum and in no way did I wish to be her mum!

Strong, true and reassuring words that I need to hear, thank you. I guess I am allowed to feel some kind of grief as it is the end of an era in my life. I know it was only 10 months but my life was different for that time.

Katisha, that is such an excellent point...he is SO convinced by his version of things, it has confused me on many occassions and I think delayed my decision to split up with him. And you are right, it is all about him. In his email he said I made him feel "loved and desired, respected and important" - it's like without me, he can't be or feel these things.

"its not about your son, who was just a prop in his self-obsessed fantasy of family life".

Thank you for that, because I know it to be true and it helps me to remember that, rather than think I have let ds down in any way. He told me he loved ds as much as his own dd (which I knew was ) and he was so into this whole happy family thing and it was way over the top and cringeworthy. He even told me once "I wish you were dd's mother..." I was really shocked to hear that (and only after I'd met her about 5 times). She has a perfectly good mum and in no way did I wish to be her mum!

So good you are home and well and more important that you got those locks changed. It is an expense you could have done without but in the light of it what price can you put on peace of mind ...... none at all. And you have his things away too. You have done so well in the past 48 hours OP. So proud of you and so pleased FOR you. Keep up the good work and just take things One Day At A Time. TC.

"It was from the person I know, rather than the nasty side I saw to him"

The person you saw was the person he pretended to be to hook you. He couldn't keep that up, so you saw the nasty.

PLEASE, now more than ever I want you to listen.

What to do now?

Easy!

NOTHING. absolutely nothing, don't pick up the phone, don't read the emails, texts etc.

You have had a very lucky escape, this would not have ended well had you stayed with him.

Be careful, be aware of who is around you and what is going on. You can never be too careful.

How you doing today Whethergirl?

Fantastic, WG, for allowing yourself to acknowledge what you feel and yet to do the right thing too. That's a very tough call, and yet you've managed it. You're not alone... and the early stuff is the hardest. From the sounds of your friend and him, they could end up together. What a match!! (Sorry, just trying to lighten the atmosphere a bit..)

Doing better thank you.

Ex still texting everyday, but just friendly msgs which I'm still going to have to ignore. He is also sending a few things back in the post which he is INSISTING I keep (eg. cd's I like). One of his msgs yesterday was "Everything will work out, trust me. Take care, that's an order!!" He seems very upbeat at the moment.

Thanks so much, I'm also trying to be proud of myself, it's very difficult being on your own with a small chance of meeting anyone else, but glad I had the self worth to insist on not settling for less.

missmehalia, I already made that joke with another friend, seems like a good idea but I think it would get a bit confusing ie. who's stalking who? "Are you following me?" "Yes.." "But I'm following you.." They would end up walking around in circles! Funny how those types never end up together though, isn't it!

Absolutely, these 'types' need someone to prop them up, hence them going for someone who is so much stronger than they are.

You're doing great, you're absolutely doing the right thing. And I've been where you are, the fear about not meeting someone else, etc. Please don't worry, I did meet someone in the end, and you can too. And now that you know a bit more about warning signs, you're all the better set up. Watch out especially for men who are focused on what they can offer (rescuers) rather than what they'd gain by having the gift of you in their lives.

You've got so much to offer in exchange.. don't sell yourself short. Lots of luck!!

Thank you missmehalia, I really appreciate all your advice and support, you've made a lot of sense and even better that it comes from personal experience. I do believe everything happens for a reason, and I have learnt a lot from this experience, and will really know what to look for/what not to look for in future! Thanks so much x

whethergirl I think you are to be congratulated on being so strong in ending the relationship and not engaging with him.

WELL DONE.

I wish I had been as strong many many years ago when I found myself in a similar situation.
It was a very frightening experience

I hope he stops the email onslaught soon.

The person I knew who was like this kept emailing and emailing after the relationship finished. Also kept turning up with/sending presents, postcards and generally trying to keep a foot in the door for quite some time.
Took quite a while for him to understand it really was over.

God, I don't know which sounds worse, the suicidal texts or the upbeat ones. "Take care of yourself, that's an order."

You're well out if this one, trust me. He sounds like a right pratt.

Be ready. This guy may turn.

Sorry to be alarmist, but he just may get agressive.

I saw the man in question about 7 years after the break up. We were in adjacent cars at traffic lights.
He GLOWERED at me in a most menacing fashion

Thank you Jasper, it really was difficult to end actually, that's the problem with these really manipulative types. You have to be so strong in yourself and not get caught up in their world...it's not been easy for me to end this relationship, especially as I was single for so long beforehand, and who knows for how long now. But that's not the point, and that's what I have to remember.

I don't know what it is about getting older, that it's harder to be single - for me anyway.

Katisha - he has been emailing every day but think I may have had the final one this morning. He said "I guess your way of dealing with this is no interaction" (that's observant, considering I have asked for NO CONTACT from the start!). So he is going to "leave the ball in my court". He asked me to give my ds a secret hug and kiss from him - again more manipulation, he knows that I'm upset for ds about all of this.

Thanks Clam, every time someone calls him a pratt or a tosser it does actually help!!

LittleMissHissyFit - I can't see him turning again as I think he doesn't want to jeopardise any chance of us being friends...but then I didn't expect him to turn the first time so we'll see.

Jasper - SEVEN years, and he still GLOWERED meancingly....