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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 19:53

bathbuns...that bloke sounds mentally ill

susiedaisy · 11/01/2011 20:32

Bathbuns-oh my good god, DR Who scene really? what a fucking pleb!! i do remember the age well bit though

susiedaisy · 11/01/2011 20:36

I am in the middle of reading a book called "the gift of fear" and one bit that sticks out when talking about stalkers/obsessive ex partners is that they would rather have 10 nasty texts off of you than none at all, and that any contact is seen as positive for the stalker no matter how unpleasant it is, so as others have said don't engage with him please otherwise IMO this could go on for months.

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 21:00

Well he has since rang me, to say he'll be picking up his stuff next month before slamming down the phone (I didn't even get a chance to speak) and then sent an angry rant text, accusing me of how much I've messed him up, and that I'm never to text, call or even think of him ever again Hmm

givemesomespace - no that'll do nicely thanks Grin .

IAmReallyFabNow - apologies for confusion, his actual age is 49, almost 50.

Shock@ Littlefish saying salsa is the ex - I had a little panic then.

bathbuns....almost thought it could be the same person as they sound SO similiar, esp with the grand gestures of love, but not even ex would have done a dying Dr Who Grin .

Great advice, thanks Katisha. The handing over possesions IS a tricky one, I am going to wait until he calms down a bit, at least a few weeks probably. It's a LOT of stuff including a guitar. Then maybe have a friend here when he does come to collect it. However if he carries on harassing me then I will take it to my friends house who lives quite near him and he can collect from there.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 21:04

I would just do the last thing you mentioned, WG

why are you insistent on spinning this thing out ?

just get it over with, what other reason can there be for not just leaving his stuff at a mutual friend's place ?

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 21:05

susiedaisy - in many ways, it's very similiar to toddler behaviour, deliberately trying to get attention - even if it's negative, throwing a tantrum when "mummy" doesn't give in, world collapsing when I try to tell a few home truths (like when mummy tells toddler off), idolising me one minute and lashing out at me the next etc. Is it a good book btw?

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 21:07

AF - well the main reason would be that it's a lot of stuff and I don't have a car! Could probably manage though with a suitcase and/or 2 trips or wait til said friend visits with her car. It's an hours journey between us.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 21:08

ok, I assumed it was closer

sorry, love

Katisha · 11/01/2011 21:22

So you are not allowed to contact him ever again but he can leave his stuff at your place till next month???

Why isnt he getting it sooner?

Or is it a way to keep having to contact you?

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 21:33

kat, I think we can safely assume it is some ploy or control manoevre on his part, don't you ?

Antalya1 · 11/01/2011 21:35

There's only one reason why he's not picked up his stuff straight away, he will think that if he leaves it a few weeks then you will have missed him and will change your mind!

Not only for your sake, but also for his, it may well be better to get your friend to pick up his stuff asap.

madonnawhore · 11/01/2011 21:36

Bloody hell. Hire a car or get a friend to drive you and get his stuff out of your house asap, otherwise he is going to find ways to drag this out for M-O-N-T-H-S.

I know it's hard but don't engage with him when he says and does inflammatory things, it's all for attention and only serves to feed his ego and help keep him in control of the situation. He wants a big fight? Don't give him one. You call the shots on the way it's going to be now.

StuffingGoldBrass · 11/01/2011 21:40

It's perfectly OK to send someone like this a text which says: 'You are dumped, now fuck off.' And then ignore any further communications from that person.
He's not a nice person, WG. He's a parasitic, self-obsessed, potentially abusive loser and you are well rid.

MummieHunnie · 11/01/2011 21:53

I know he is not nice, he is also a human being struggling, and you don't want him to get really nasty, I would respond with kindness if it was me, let his brain take it in again, sending a broken record text as the one I mentioned previously with the sentences moved around this time, and add on to it that your friend will drop the stuff off to him at (suitable time for friend who you have spoken to first and asked massive favor of). You need this man out of your life and you need it done quickly and cleanly, he may turn really nasty and it will be worse if you ignore or are nasty you are giving him reason then for a drama. Have you ever looked at the drama triangle?

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:04

Yep, will get stuff to friends house, think its the best thing. I haven't replied to his latest texts, bit pointless really and nothing to say and might provoke him further. I really can't imagine he has the real potential to be nasty though. I am pretty sure I will get a text from him in the morning though to apologise. He does swing from one emotion to the other quite rapidly in these sort of situations.

Funny you said that Stuffing, I clearly remember him telling me ages ago that he called his last dp after they split and she said exactly that, he then made it sound like she was making out that he was harrassing her but he assured me he wasn't. He said the last thing he said to her was "Well you've got saggy tits and you're crap in bed" and slammed down the phone. Wonder what my parting comment will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:05

MummieHunnie, what do you mean by the drama triangle?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 22:07

He said the last thing he said to her was "Well you've got saggy tits and you're crap in bed" and slammed down the phone.

He told you that and you still didn't run a mile ?

You really need to get better at reading people. I know it's a cliche, but when someone tells you what they are.... listen

MummieHunnie · 11/01/2011 22:10

You have someone who loves being the victim, he is trying to put you in the persecutor role, or rescuer role, if you go into one of those roles a drama is created, if you do nothing you will be a persecutor, so to go in the middle and avoid a drama, you don't rescue or persecutre. Also roles reverse so if you persecute him and make him a victim he will have reason to persecute you and make you the victim and that is where the creepy nasty stalker stuff comes in.

Google drama triangle.

Your aim is to come out of this cleanly and quickly, that is why I suggested repeating the text, don't engage, and get rid of his stuff, don't be nasty to him or ignore him at the moment.

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:24

Well AF he made out like she was a real bitch to him, and it just sounded like something nasty that was said in an arguement. He talked about both his ex dp and ex wife as if they were very unreasonable, and although he did everything he could to make them happy, they both had affairs which ended the relationship.

Really thinking about my inability to read people which has become apparent during this thread. Considering I'm normally quite an intuitive person and have moved
schools/houses/jobs quite a lot in my life,and good at settling into new situations, people reading has become an essential skill for me. Maybe it's just with men I falter.

MummieHunnie - oh god, yes I do remember reading about that years ago, am going to read up on it now, how very very accurate. Ta for that.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 11/01/2011 22:26

" He talked about both his ex dp and ex wife as if they were very unreasonable"

Always a massive clanging red flag, this one.

He'll be saying the same thing about you to the next poor unsuspecting sod.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 22:28

and you believed all that, about all the previous women in his life being unreasonable ?

this man showed you so many red flags, it is unbelievable

please have a look at this signs you are dating a loser

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:42

AF, it wasn't you that wrote that article was it Grin . Suffice to say I've never been stupid enough to be in an obviously abusive relationship, ex never ever put me down, quite the opposite in fact. He treated me like a goddess. But yes, no 2. Quick Attachment and Expression is him ALL OVER.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 11/01/2011 22:45

If you have droopy tits or are not great in bed, he will be putting you down in the next 24 hours or so.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 22:49

no, WG, but I have linked to it ofen enough I should get royalties Smile

does it no mention where a bloke disses his exes, calls them mad or unreasonable ?

haven't read it for a while, but I was sure it did

if not, it should

I am sorry to keep nipping at your heels, but every time I see your thread bumped on my "threads I'm on" there you are with yet another massive red flag that you just don't seem to see as such (or didn't, but should have done IYSWIM)

it does my blood pressure no good at all Wink

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:56

Well I've got great tits Grin and he thought our sex life was AMAZING (it was very very mediocre at best) so he's going to have to think of some new ones.

You know, I really believe things happen for a reason. And I'm telling you now, in black and white, (heroic music please) I have had it up to HERE with victims, why the fuck I always end up with them I don't know, but it ends here. I started out as a rescuer in previous, but despised the role more and more until I'm unable to do it anymore. In fact, ex wanted me so much to be the rescuer he would make it up in his head (eg. when he had depression, all I had to do was send him a text saying "hope you feel better today" and I would get back "I really couldn't do this without you." Fuck that.

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