I have to decide today

[whethergirl]

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

WG I'll eat my hat is that's the last you hear from him!
He still thinks he can be in your life, I imagine, and that you will eventually cave in.

He may well resort to desperate measures - some "crisis" or other, or find he has to return something or pick something up etc etc etc.

Stay strong. And don't reopen contact out of a desire to be civilised - you may think you are being civilised - his brain will just go "Great I'm back in now"...

And he can leave DS out of his fantasy thanks very much.

WG, there literally is no need for you to be in contact with him.

He is not a relative, he is not the father of your DS, all he is, is an Ex. If you keep him as a friend, he will struggle at the very least to watch as you find a new partner, and I doubt will help you in that quest to move on.

He can't be a friend, he is already disregarding your request to be left alone.

Jasper's story is exactly why I am telling you to be wary, long term. You have rejected him, you have potentially insulted him as a man.... powerful motivation for a manipulator.

I hope he doesn't turn, maybe he won't, but then again maybe he will. All I counsel is for you to be strong, be aware and make sure that you don't have any chinks in your armour.

Agree whole-heartedly with Katisha, don't be tempted to be civil for civil's sake, it will be misinterpreted.

Can you set up your email to automatically send his emails to a nutter folder?

I don't really understand why you're still responding. This has been going on for quite long enough now. Change your number and block his email address. There really is no need to keep enabling this behaviour. Is there something about you that secretly likes the drama?

I don't think WG is responding. But he is just continuing to send.

So why not just block him? That way she doesn't have to even read the shit.

WG,

He's a tosser
He's a pratt
He's a misfit
He's a nutter

We'll help all we can...... :)

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea, I really hope there is not even one slightest small unconsious bit of me that likes the drama, but that's twice it's been mentioned, so I'm feeling like I need to be aware of myself.

I have been ignoring his emails, except for one a few days ago where he asked for me to accept his apology. I felt that I had to give him a bit of closure (and maybe for me too). I do find it hard to keep ignoring him, because it just doesn't come natural to me to treat people like that, especially someone who's feelings you've hurt, I can't help but feel sorry for him. It was a very abrupt ending, we went from everyday contact and spending every weekend together, to nothing at all. I can't switch off so suddenley and pretend he didn't even exist, even though I know I've made the right decision, and I'm ready to move on. I don't know what the says about me...do I like the drama? Do I find it hard not to go into rescue mode? Am I weak? I'm not sure, but feel like I'm going in the right direction.

LittleMissHissyFit, I must admit I've thought that maybe in the future we could be friends, as it seems civilised enough to me, but it depends on if he is still holding on to the fantasy. He says he's still in love with me...how will I know when he'll get over that?

I suppose I could block him but you know how they say "keep your enemies close...". I just feel safer to be aware of his mood - just in case he does turn again. I don't think he'll be in touch for a while anyway, he seems to have got the message.

givemesomespace...thank you, I found "misfit" especially helpful

WHethergirl yo uare a civilised normal person. This is why you hope you can be "friends" with him in the future.

Believe me - he is not capable of that, and you wishing it so can't make it happen. He is all or nothing.

The person in my close family who was involved with a narcissist for many years still clung to the hope that they could "still be friends" - it was just Not Possible. He harassed and stalked, had "crises", different tactics included massive present-giving, sending of emails, phone messages, postcards, presents brought back from his holidays etc etc. It took her more three attempts to be rid of him. And actually the only way in the end was to let him know that she had found another man.

As I said before - his version of reality is all about him. He has a different version of reality from you. This is why you had all that soul-mate stuff, the annexing of DS, the inappropriate full-on-ness of it all.

I honestly don't believe he will be able to handle just "being friends". You could - he couldn't.

Eventually if you leave it alone, he will move on to someone else and the whole thing will repeat itself unfortunately.

Apologies whethergirl, I didn't mean that how it came across.

I completely understand that you don't want to hurt him, and that it's hard to ignore. You care about him, I get that.

BUT.... you seriously need to stop him manipulating you, because he is, you know.

How do you like your hat Katish, medium or well done....?

After 2 days of him not contacting, I thought he was going to leave it, at least for a while. But got another email to say that he stil loves me, but can't believe how easy I'm finding not being in contact with him, and he resentment is creeping in even though he doesn't want it to, due to my "lack of care". Friendship is now looking highly unlikely unless I attempt a connection with him as a starting point!

At one point, after the split, I did say that we could be friends or to meet up for some closure, BUT it would have to be after we've had a chance to get over this and whenever the time is right for us both.

Now I feel this last email was a bit bullying and again manipulating me into making contact again. So I guess the way out of this is to say, you're right, I don't think we can ever be friends. Just as you said Katisha, don't think he could handle it. For a start, what kind of a friend doesn't leave you alone when you ask them too?!

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea - the thing about being manipulated is you only catch glimpses of it, whereas from the outside it always looks painfully obvious.

No I said I would eat my hat if he DIDN'T contact you again!

But yes - he is trying to guilt-trip you, of course. Not that he will see it like that - he believes he is the victm (again) and that you are behaving badly towards him.

I dont think you shold be meeting up under any circumstances. I think that won't achieve any kind of "closure". For either of you.

Oh yes, that makes more sense, why would you eat your hat if you knew he was going to contact me again . I should be saying hats off

You're right, sometimes that closure stuff just doesn't work does it.

Anyway I need my hat for this awful weather!

But realistically, how can "closure" be achieved so soon? You have to work through stuff - and he certainly does. I don't think you are best placed to help each other in this.

wethergirl - listen to all on here. I have just got out of a relationship that started with the grand gestures, lets buy a house etc! NO,No,NO!!! please don't make the same mistakes I did. These sorts of men are impossible to get rid of and in my case (even tho he's the bio dad) messes with the kids heads. you will end up with no life, isolated from family and frineds and be desperately unhappy as will your child. You deserve so much better:).

Oh no ddrmum, so sorry to hear your this, you too deserve so much better and hope things are getting much better for you. I'm so glad I got out when I could! I guess the early overblown gestures are alarm bells I will now hear loud and clearly in the future. An emotionally stable person takes time to develop their feelings of love. You feel like such a fool to be sucked into it but these types are often very manipulative as well.