Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

To cheer yourself up today read the Mumsnet Roundup which is emailed to you. It has made me laugh a lot! :)

Well serenity is on hold

XH and I just spoke about our legal agreement and he was an absolute shit. I had proposed we spoke about the amendments my sol wants to our Deed of Separation and then met next week to talk about the actual divorce and other bits and pieces. However he has been so offish and when I said how his attitude from a year ago wrt to the dc and I had changed completely he said thats right basically acknowledging that we are no longer his priority.

Why am I so surprised at his utter callousness when I have read a thousand posts from other wives to this effect ? Why do we all think our xhs are going to be different , that they will live up to even half what they say when they walk out of the door ?

Well I feel sooo foolish now with my little scenario played out in my head that he and I would meet and begin a relationship that would be amicable for all our sakes , that somehow our marriage would be closed on a pleasant footing. Whats so fucking special about me that I thought I would succeed where so many have failed.

His dislike and indifference to me couldnt have been clearer and I actually asked what it was I had done to upset him and engender this behaviour . No answer.

So yet again I find myself saying well fuck him then no more making an effort with keeping things pleasant etc. I am so sick of this pattern and part of me wants to rise above him and still be nice but I cant. What frustrates me is the way he seems as ever to hold all the cards and have control of everything [anger]

Sorry to rant but I am so cross !!!!

Getting - its so hard.

But 1) He wont have all the control soon and this what part of the attitiude is about. You wont have to keep asking him for money because he'll have to give it without that.

2. He has probably done more maths about how much it is going to cost him and he might just have to sell one of his cars :)

3. He might also have realised something he hadnt before -or been disapproved by someone.

4. You are the bad bad past and he is off in the rosy sunset. Its him not you!

I hope serebity is restored by almost zero contact from now on.

My thing this week Getting is the situation is not going to change,I am getting a divorce.I can either be bitter that he chucked me and didn't fight to save our marriage,but then really I would always be protraying myself as the loser.But everyone else that knows the true story knows the truth.Hands up anyone that thinks I'm a loser for divorcing my husband ?
I often think it would be good if everyone wrote their own description of my X,purely from what was posted on here.It would be that bucket of cold water I need when my anger subsides and I have hope.
U have also got a professional string puller in the OW ,she has been thru this b4 and she is his significant other now .I feel UR rage/pain but at least u know where u stand re his feelings ,join the club.But UR not a loser he is no prize and what u posted b4 UR sol seems cool.I am trying to treat my X like a business client now that I can't really rely on.If I ask X about his personal life he will only lie ,as he says its nothing to do with me and he will never know anything about my private life either .Just business Getting, sometimes it shocks me just how easy it is for them to move on,but ultimately its better that they did.

I also agree that he is unhappy anyway,whether or not he is talking to you.He is getting old. He isn't as well off as he was.he has lost his big house and his new woman has been round the block a few times.It's not great is it .But none of this is anything to do with u getting it's all his fucked up grass is greener plan x

Patience

Your so right about the professional string puller. (My OW was cheated on and divorced 10 plus years ago)V early on I was so surprised by H behaviour re separation and what he was saying about the situation. And he said something vile about a friend of mine who the OW doesnt like. I could just hear her meanness through him as he would never have said anything like that about my friend before as she was a good friend of his too.

I just think getting,get UR money b4 she gets her hands on it and count UR blessings u got rid.

Hi all, I feel so weird about this new thread.

I generaly don't like change, I get used to things and change upsets me. I've been lurking slightly on both threads but don't want to post on both, I'd get in a muddle.

Anyway, I need to stop being sentimental about the other thread and embrace this new one and actually be so so happy that I quallify to be on this one and acknowledge how far I've come with all of your help.

Our thread(s) is a very precious thing to me and I must admit that the old one was getting too full for me to keep up with and I feel so bad for the newbees on there but I know they'll bennefit from it so much, just like we all did and actually this new thread is a marker of how much we've all moved on .

Patience, I must admit I haven't read all of your recent posts but now on our concentrated thread I will try to keep up.

Getting....I think Patience post of 17.48 is spot on.

I don't think your H is happy. If he was then he wouldn't be treating you like this.

He has been so spoilt by your unbelieveble reasonableness and that of your DC and it's not giving him anything to fight back against. You've been descent and measured and rational and it's riled him. I don't think he dislikes you, I think he's pissed off at how perfectly fine you are without him and he's majorly miffed. He can see how well you are managing and it's put his nose out of joint.

Him saying "that's right" is nasty and immature and he's trying to hurt you and get a reaction.

Well done Getting, you don't need a pompous twit like that.

Will read thread from the start tomorow.

xxx

Happy: I am going to bear that quite in mind when I am wobbling like jelly worse still - feeling 'enmeshed with and attached' to my H in all the dealings - I guess it really is a business deal and I am a good negotiator at work with things that I am not emotionally attached to - so I need to adopt the same approach here.

Tea Am I right in thinking you managed to establish that you were going to keep the flat/equity etc fairly early on in your split ? I am fearful I have left it too long and his life is a lot more separate now and the extreme guilt he felt when he walked out the door may have worn off as getting is finding. hmm - I really need to have this conversation - I am being rubbish as scared of the outcome but if it's all bad news then I guess I need to know sooner rather than later

Getting - rubbish you have been treated like that after expecting better of him. Why should you not expect to be treated with a bit of compassion, understanding etc by the very person that has been responsible for so much shit... that said - the fact that he has been responsible for so much shit sadly also means the one you thought you could rely on (or at worst even just 'predict') has long since left the building. When you said you had played the scenario out in your head - the one where you get on well etc well I am still in playing it out mode. In mine he hands over the house to me as he feels so guilty about what he has done. I am even making calculations about mine and DCs future based on him doing this as I 'think' that I know him.. but as you say he has sadly followed broadly the same script as all the rest on here so all my friends/family think I am insane to think he may do the decent thing rather than see me and his 2 DCs move to a small flat where we don't know anyone - but am too scared to confront that right now.

However I do agree 100% with patience and pink - He is not happy - no-one who is happy with their life and happy in their skin would be happy talking to you the way that he is now - it speaks volumes - He may think he is happy now (on the surface - I doubt he would want to scratch too far beneath the surface)but the paint will start peeling off at some point and you won't care by that point. I think someone said that the H's we are seeing now is the stripped down version - how they truly are - but without the motivation to care about what we think of them and without the respect and love they once had for us... I do think that if this is the real person (ie my h) that I am seeing now then bloody hell am I better off - They will still be the same person in their current/next relationship and thankfully we will still be the same person but a stronger, honest and more aware version holding our heads up higher than ever....and shining more brightly than ever

Waves to all. I had problems with my laptop for awhile & couldn't get online. Read a lot of the posts but still not fully up to date. Will try to catch up properly soon but it's a mad house here with dc's still on holls! Anyway, court next week but I'm feeling v positive .

Getting, deep breaths. I like you always thought mine would be different too! That would actually be laughable if it wasn't so sad . As you said, sadly they all follow the script. Count your blessings you're away from him.

Pink, know what you mean about change re thread but I too was really struggling to keep up with other one.

Cloud, hope to good settlement goes ok for you, fingers x'd.

Will catch up properly later.

It wasn't until 5 months into separation we started to discuss finances, but he's penniless but gets help from his parents here and there and I couldn't move anywhere smaller (already in a 2 bed flat) nor afford to move at all, so I think he wanted to leave me and LO's settled here. I wouldn't say what he has done is standard, but there wasn't that much equity in the place either, most would've been lost in the sale with home info packs and solicitors fees, it all seemed fairly pointless and I would have had to go into housing association with our 2 little ones. Sorry I'm not explaining myself very well. very tired and about to roll into bed.

Hi everyone. Really knackered tonight after hugely long day at work and youngest son just not sleeping, so sorry if I miss anyone.
Getting - as the others have said, so sorry about your ex. Yes, it's horrible to think that perhaps your situation will be different and then it isn't. I'm sad for you. I really never discussed my financial settlement with exh - I was still scared of him and found naming his unreasonable behaviour in the divorce very stressful. I only talked to him about it once and the rest was just done through solicitors. I think that this is often the best way. I think I surprised my exh by working out all the finances and then giving him a proposal. He always said I was shit with money, as in I couldn't add up. Then when he left and wasn't stressing me and swearing at me I realised I was more than capable of sorting it out! So all I would say is keep things official - it's a lot less stressful and means that you don't have to have upsetting conversations where he gets the opportunity to upset you all over again. Keep it business. And I agree with the others that your ex is no doubt miserable. My exh is miserable. Always has been really and always will be. That's why he can be so horrible to other people. Lots of love to you x
Mumfun - read the round up - I laughed a lot!
Clouded - hope you are ok - you seem to be coping really really well :)
Happy - BE has a bloody nerve. That would boil me, as we say up here. As you say, your son hasn't even unpacked! What a cheek. How is lovely mman btw? I meant to say that I also made a lovely friend a couple of years ago - a young actor/puppeteer who came to work as a teaching assistant in my school. He's such a breath of fresh air. I was out around Christmas and I saw him and his gf and friends in a trendy pub and he came running up gave me a big hug and said "Amy! It's Mrs N!!!!" to his gf, who was really pleased to meet me. It was lovely. Mind you, it doesn't half ruin your feminine mystique when a fully grown man who is yet nearly young enough to be your son (depressing!) runs up to you and calls you your teacher name - haha!
Pink - I've also felt funny about the new thread. Just going to post on both.
Patience - glad you come on here too. I know you are in pain at the moment but you know how far you have come and I think that this might be one of the final hurdles for you. You are such a self aware, brave and honest person that you will always prevail.
Kate - hope you continue to be a shining light, wearing sexy outfits and exuding positivity. Your blog is one of the most positive and moving testaments to single motherhood I have seen. It made me think that I might start one.
Makedo - something tells me you are going to learn to drive AND be on this thread very soon.
Love to all. ps still having email conversation with CD man. Cuppa in two weeks. Really enjoying our musical conversation. Even if there's no attraction I think we're going to be mates this year :)

Hi everyone. Really knackered tonight after hugely long day at work and youngest son just not sleeping, so sorry if I miss anyone.
Getting - as the others have said, so sorry about your ex. Yes, it's horrible to think that perhaps your situation will be different and then it isn't. I'm sad for you. I really never discussed my financial settlement with exh - I was still scared of him and found naming his unreasonable behaviour in the divorce very stressful. I only talked to him about it once and the rest was just done through solicitors. I think that this is often the best way. I think I surprised my exh by working out all the finances and then giving him a proposal. He always said I was shit with money, as in I couldn't add up. Then when he left and wasn't stressing me and swearing at me I realised I was more than capable of sorting it out! So all I would say is keep things official - it's a lot less stressful and means that you don't have to have upsetting conversations where he gets the opportunity to upset you all over again. Keep it business. And I agree with the others that your ex is no doubt miserable. My exh is miserable. Always has been really and always will be. That's why he can be so horrible to other people. Lots of love to you x
Mumfun - read the round up - I laughed a lot!
Clouded - hope you are ok - you seem to be coping really really well :)
Happy - BE has a bloody nerve. That would boil me, as we say up here. As you say, your son hasn't even unpacked! What a cheek. How is lovely mman btw? I meant to say that I also made a lovely friend a couple of years ago - a young actor/puppeteer who came to work as a teaching assistant in my school. He's such a breath of fresh air. I was out around Christmas and I saw him and his gf and friends in a trendy pub and he came running up gave me a big hug and said "Amy! It's Mrs N!!!!" to his gf, who was really pleased to meet me. It was lovely. Mind you, it doesn't half ruin your feminine mystique when a fully grown man who is yet nearly young enough to be your son (depressing!) runs up to you and calls you your teacher name - haha!
Pink - I've also felt funny about the new thread. Just going to post on both.
Patience - glad you come on here too. I know you are in pain at the moment but you know how far you have come and I think that this might be one of the final hurdles for you. You are such a self aware, brave and honest person that you will always prevail.
Kate - hope you continue to be a shining light, wearing sexy outfits and exuding positivity. Your blog is one of the most positive and moving testaments to single motherhood I have seen. It made me think that I might start one.
Makedo - something tells me you are going to learn to drive AND be on this thread very soon.
Love to all. ps still having email conversation with CD man. Cuppa in two weeks. Really enjoying our musical conversation. Even if there's no attraction I think we're going to be mates this year :)

Waves to all.

Nice to see everyone posting.

Been out tonight to the cinema to see the kings speech. Fab fab fab.

Had a meal with DS and the saint grrrr.

Ok had a few drinks tbh think you are not meant to post then but... THANKYOU ladies for your words not sure why after all my ups and downs but this time round your replies have meant so much to me.

"He is getting old . He isnt as well off as he was. He has lost his big house and his new woman has been around the block a few times."

Wasnt expecting to throw my head back and laugh but I did ! Why do you think we cant see these things ourelves.

OK cant keep correcting self am pissed byeee and not quite sure what I would do without you all xx

Didn't know u were scared of ur X ggm.that's really bollocks ,did u get counselling at all ,big bastard bully.my problem was and probably still is that I was born with my middle finger sticking up.But I think I'm making progress there.
Started reading fantastic mister fox tonite ,kids love it x

You are a bit of a mystery Patience def the most feisty of dumplings , remember your dc had red hair but what about about you ?!

Who do you tell in RL how you are feeling ? About all this ? You dont mention your parents are they around ?

I know getting LOL ,I just think I've had a week of contemplating ,ultimately healing means we see our Xs as others do.We swing like a pendulum between loving and hating them and eventually find an equilibrium of indifference.UR X was always the big shot do you think he enjoys sponging off Ow re digs or having his dc sleeping on a couch .U might not see it Getting just as I will never know about my X s new life but I reckon a year is long enough for them to start noticing a TWUNT'S life is not a good life. It's built on lies and negative energies.
Ggm missed UR links atm not getting broadband til Feb fucking SKY .

Dont miss much do you Patience. I wear glasses think might need to get an eye test again . Reiterates to self why dont I see stuff others do did you mean to say we dont see Xs as others do ?

That wasn't my kid in that picture LOL well the baby was. But neither have red hair.Yes my parents are both around but no use for this kinda stuff.That might sound harsh but thats why mn has helped me so much I can type away til my head works it out.they live about 45 mins away and that's plenty close enough.Nice thing is the awareness thing that I have learnt this year is helping my family situation. I recognize the things that would have triggered me b4 and caused a fight.most peaceful Xmas we have had in years.
Ps dd just as fiesty,my sis said at Xmas we are going to have to channel that ...........LOL!

Getting Its only after this week that I am seeing this clearer.if I start the ball rolling with this polite chatting o think X may stay polite.He just doesn't want told off anymore by angry X wife .He just wants s quiet life to get on with being a mac donalds dad.I was angry because I couldn't let go and he hurt me so bad.But me being bitter isn't going to change the facts.and it might jeopardise the kids visits due to Xs guilt and subsequent detatchment.But I had to cry it all out for a week to get to an acceptance stage.This is another field study now,if I ease up on the negative vibes to X will visits and maintenance settle down.Don't het me wrong though I'm watching him like a hawk and nothing wrong with throwing a few fucks around all part of the healing x

Hi Patience I have found that being polite does work with the saint although of course sometimes I lose it with him and he also is sometimes very edgy. We can get on fine and then something happens and all flares up. But having said that I sometimes feel when I'm being polite that I get carried away and am overly helpful so have to watch that. For example I made him dinner today and he didnt get up to wash up. He has got away with it before but today I just said please run the water now and wash up and he did.

Urgh challenging night in the end. Big tense conversation with mman. He is ' just' a friend but a good one and sounding really lost atm. Very late night and now weather permitting I need to leave my lovely warm bed and zoom off to do the sport I do for the day.

I hope all have a good day and I will endeavor to chat more helpfully later or sooner if it rains.

Wow can t imagine being in the same room as him happy.But I'm working on 90 second phone calls ATM.Just trying to work out the cheapest possible monthly outgoings if X gets a flat.I don't think he will ever afford it tbh .

Morning Patience,90 seconds sounds good.