Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Oooh, I thought they were probably hedgehogs Goo .

I've lost my identity.....I'm in between 2 threads....don't know which way to turn....confused.

Lol Pink!
Well, I'm meeting CD man on 22nd Jan for a cuppa in the theatre in Newcastle. We are exchanging emails. Yesterday I sent him a youtube clip of a woman called Imogen Heap who I'd never heard of before but she's quite mesmerising. He sent one back saying how weird, look at this little clip I shot a few weeks ago at the Sage (big venue in Gateshead). It was the same woman singing the same song as I'd sent him... I really hope when we meet that he's nice and friendly and we get on. Maybe I'm being naive but it would be lovely to have a male friend.

Hmm Happy well I guess you have to be the bigger person and think about what will be the best outcome for your ds. Also in the nicest possible way its about time BE started taking some of the heat so you can switch off a bit.

So today I am back on fighting form have dealt with the solicitor moving everything along as I wanted the finances sorted asap now. Also discussed the actual divorce with her which was a first.

This threw up a need to talk to xh which I did and I said I think we should meet up as we have a lot to sort out. Really had to take a deep breath for that one !! Anyway of course he is too busy atm so I said to get back to me. The dragon needs to be slayed though as we havent sat down and talked face to face since he left a year ago and apart from 2 minutes on the doorstep a month ago I havent seen him for 7 months.

I need to do this because things have become so frosty and firstly when we move I am going to need his help with certain things and secondly this isnt co parenting in my mind and my dd in particular is acutely aware that we never communicate directly.

Now I feel so much stronger I think it unlikely any meeting is going to precipitate "Oh my lost love" in me. Probably the reverse in fact as he is inclined to talk over me , patronise me and just generally make me move away from him.

Anyway this is a huge step for me but I want to get to the finish line now and one way or another having contact again in person will help I think.

Getting love your kick ass attitude now

Do you think the problems with your DS will ease staying with BE is more away from bad influences there iyswim happy?

In laws left 15 mins ago, shattered and need to eat something. They've been here since 10am but it's actually been a good day here. They even bathed them and read them stories, so it was very nice, and we pigged out on sausage rolls, pizza, ham salad sandwiches, pretzels, bread sticks and various raw veg items like carrots, cherry tomato's and cucumber and the birthday cake. Kids had a lovely day today but I didn't feed them a proper dinner due to their constant grazing today and then I wondered if the in laws would think I was a tad mad there

*is it

Goo I think that's a really nice coincidence about the vid :)

LOL - had a moment today, I am embracing my new divorce diet skinniness and went to work in new wedge knee boots, sheer blouse and pencil skirt - unleashing my Inner Librarian Goddess if you will!

had to nip to the PO when rather hunky guy, all suited a booted asked me where the nearest one was...I pointed, slowed down a bit so I wasn't walking with him...but when we were both at the PO counters next to eachother...I turned round and he was really giving me the eye!!!

I walked out - so confidently! Soppy, stupid woman I am...I kept thinking all the way back to work..oh, I wonder if he's following me so we can exchange numbers??

He wasn't...!! but this rather lovely daydreaming about another man kept my mind of Dickfeatures for a while!!

Good for you girl! :)

Found this on another thread. If you have 20 minutes you should watch it. The last bit is especially moving. It's about loving yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Getting - very impressed on your thoughts on dealing with XH - definitely an award coming your way.

Kate - wow get you getting the eye huh

Goo - need to look at link

Pink - you can post on both...

Tea - sounds like you had a great day - yep I do think that a fresh start in a different location will help - and I can't offer that . TBH although it sounds a tad dramatic I actually a bit PTSDery about recent events with DS so quite nice to find peace with other DS for now. Me and DS did some joint cooking tonight and are now chilling out with David Bowie

Patience and Starting - come hither...

Hi guys - just popping in from other thread to say that you've now given me a second NY resolution:

The first is to learn to drive - and now the second is to be on here in the next year

See you in a few months...

Not looking forward to tomorrow, my mum is coming up for the first time since that disastrous Monday Christmas get together. I've had a moan on my AIBU thread but no ones commented. Ahhh well it was good to type it out.

I'm shattered and much as I wanted to catch up on the ditched thread tonight, I need some shut eye. I'll have a go tomorrow morning as I love the ladies on there and want to keep up with them. But I like this little corner too

I watched a movie tonight for some down time, instead of mumsnetting, makes a change

And WQ and Chairmum -come hither too :)

WQ did say she intended returning but has been busy with work and also is in the throes of a new relationship with her old friend so I fear we may not see her for a while

Tea I hope you deal briskly with your Mum remember how you choose to bring up your kids is your affair. Read about your H and ow it sounds like thats where her age shows ie she is just too immature to understand how it needs to re dc etc. Also she sounds very needy to me I mean hes divorced you what on earth more does she want. I agree satisfying though it may be at some level to hear about their skirmishes be careful not to get drawn in.

Sorry you have been feeling stretched Mumfun , thankfully with my 2 being older I rarely have the being in 2 places at once scenario.

Well I have had more sol dealings today and have texted xh to ask when will be a good time to talk and am still feeling like we should meet. These will be amongst our last discussions and I kind of feel our 17 years together is owed the respect of sitting face to face rather than talking about who is divorcing who over the phone.He has offered/suggested meeting in the past but not since the summer so I am interested to see how willing he is now.

Grey and pouring with rain here but my spirits are high

Ah glad to hear WQ may be back.

Think you're absolutely right on meeting xh getting, I wonder if he is now getting cold feet about it. I sometimes think that these men position us in certain ways and then cant face it when they realize that we've moved on.

Urgh, BE due back tonight. Will have to see him over the weekend. Grrrr.

Happy no danger of that he is happily ensconced with ow I think , it will be more he simply doesnt want to see me and it will be quicker to sort out on the phone.

Hows your divorce proceeding have you submitted all the paperwork now ?

Its funny now the idea has sunk in and I have had a brief chat with the sol I feel quite keen to divorce whereas before I just cared about sorting house and finances. I suppose I am beginning to want more closure

It'd be so great if WQ came back I have stalked contacted her a few times recently

How are we all tonight ladies? Thank goodness today went ok with my mum, feel a huge sense of relief.

Glad all went ok with your mum Tea.

Getting, no I put it all on hold until after xmas so have not reopened the file yet actually. Took the view that I would not be pushed to manage divorce and ds situation solo at the same time. I will sort it soon though.

Feel free to laugh out loud but xh has said that as he currently has ds I will need to consider finances I.e. pay him wtf). I will take that one right to the solicitor I think.

Hi everyone. Another good day here. :)

Happy at BE and wanting to consider finances , utterly priceless , dont rack up sol fees with that one ds has barely unpacked ffs

Yes I put mine on hold too but of course no ds drama and no job has meant its had my full attention this week and there are no flies on my sol so its full steam ahead.

evening - am a relative newcomer to dumplings thread but hopefully qualify for this one too as I am 14 months on (ok well only 4 months on from his last and final disappearing act) but am well and truly out of the woods (most days) and most definitely could never have him back!

.. Have just posted quite a long one on the original thread but just flipped over to this one before bed and just wanted to say...

Getting well done at confronting what I assume has been an elephant in the corner for a while. I say this as it has been for me. I keep inventing 'things' that I need to do before biting the bullet and having 'that' conversation with H about money etc. We communicate via text and never look each other in the eye when he comes, never do a proper handover as we both can't handle how we feel in each other's company and yes.. I am thinking - How on earth is this co-parenting and DD and DS will end up suffering because of it. And the money thing - I think I am just too much of a wimp to face all the big ugly (possibly aggressive) money/the future conversations. I need a coping strategy for when I feel like I am going into victim mode (similar to imagining everyone in the audience is naked). Any advice ?!

Ok an hour after I said I was off to bed - I am off to bed.

Hi Clouded

Like you I struggle with xh (BE).

We have to talk because of the issues with DS but it's not great. We do the text and lack of eye contact thing, sometimes talk face to face with mixed success and sadly also sometimes do the sharp angry words conversations when 1 to 1. On a few occasions I am also sad to say that we have had words in front of the kids or at least they have heard cross words coming from the other room or bitchy comments.

But frankly what do you do when on xmas day (last year) mil calls and starts having a conversation with him about what hes planning to do over xmas with OW? Or when he responds to a crisis call re DS and walks in and accuses me of making it all up?

I swing between trying to avoid him and trying to get on with him for the sake of the kids. I have concluded that space really helps for me. Because of the ds issues I have seen him throughout the breakup but I actually would rather have been in gettings position tbh. At least now he has moved away with OW I do have the space although as it looks likely that ds will stay with them for at least a while that will no doubt bring some new challenges.

And, apologies for slight rant, of course as BE is now finally helping DS, he is acting like some kind of saint even more wtf. So at times I may now rename him The Saint. My goodness he has finally taken some responsibility.

I remember my good friend's son going to stay with his dad and he contacted the CSA to get money from my friend as he was now entitled to it having their son full time, she was incensed as he had barely supported her when she had him. Hope BE is reasonable about it.

Clouded - I was really lucky with my H regarding finances as we were both flat broke and he felt so guilty for everything he agreed to me keeping the flat and all the equity. I am so glad I never had all these horrid wranglings over money a lot of you dumplings do So no helpful advice from me just sympathy and ((hugs))

Money wranglings urghhh -feeel for those who have this on top of everything else. My H has always paid enough - following family pattern where father always provided but then lived own life and left children totally to mother with almost zero interest in them

Cant believe BE -yes the Saint is too right grrrr. Cant believe he has mentioned money.

Tea glad your meet and birthday went well!

Getting glad closure is near and that your feelings in tune with what happening

Goo glad you had a good one!

Makedo -youll be here before you know it

Kate glad you had a confident eye popping moment!

Hi Pink, Marble, LC and everyone else!

Morning all !

Well clouded my advice is get it over with and remember what ever posturing goes on there will be things he will be forced to pay for etc like it or not.

Now the dust has settled I can see that I have been fortunate in that the majority of xhs money offers have been fine and certainly he has been reasonable about money in the year it has taken to agree terms.According to my sol its quite unusual to have sorted a deal where both parties feel they have a fair deal and are happy with the outcome. That has a lot to do with the fact that he earns good money and so can afford to be reasonable and keep his own lifestyle.

I agree Mumfun those that are having to try and wrench money from their exs on top of everything else - hideous.

Ooh Clouded I have just remembered a saying I read on here which I used to steel myself back in our negociations. Something like marriage is all about love and divorce is purely business..?

Well lots of people looking at house in the next few days so fingers crossed. Still not anything coming on the market for me to view though [concern emoticon]

I am slightly surprised at not hearing back from xh about when we are going to talk/meet about the big stuff. Normally he would call me straight back , hes probably been busy saving the world . Happy I wouldnt want to see him after so long within earshot of the dc which is why when he ended coming here to do sale prep stuff and brought the dc I vanished. Bit annoying really as I had wanted to get spending time in his prescence out of the way then.

Tea glad it all went ok yesterday and the birthday earlier in the week was a success