Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Good luck 2 morrow re Ds mf x

I rang Child Maintenance Options which is a Govt Dept who talk you through all the options regarding maintenance for the children you can go down, such as private agreements etc and they send you brochures all about it. I first rang them about 6 months ago, after hearing an advert on the radio. I read the bits that came though and sat on it and thought about the different options but then as the months went by and despite asking him to contribute reliably and consistently etc. It's just been so haphazard and hard for me to make ends meet and budget and in the end I gave up with the constant asking nicely, telling him about my finances and the help I needed etc and asked Child Maintenance Options to transfer me through on the phone to the CSA who took all my details and his. So it took me a long time to get to this stage to be fair. But knowing from now on that they will chase him for money and ensure my kids get what they deserve is a hge relief for me. In fact he seems fine about it actually for some reason. But I did mention in the past that I was considering CSA as a better route and then when he moves in with the OW and she starts to complain about how much money comes to me etc. As there will be a third party between us she'll just have to suck it up iyswim? But the CSA is not for everyone, I typed my message just before heading out the door to church. I get 20% of his earnings per month for my two DCs.

DS has woken so I must dash...

Hi all

CSA sounds like a good option. Of course I say that glibly when I receive sweet FA from the saint and he has even suggested that I send him money for DS . Don't shout girls, I do have a cunning plan honestly.

Good luck with DS tomorrow MumFun.

Well I have had DS and the saint here virtually all day as the saint appears to have totally cocked up his move. Annoyingly I appear to have millions of boxes that I pray will be moved next week. Pushover moi? Oddly some of the time we do get on fine although one wrong comment and WHAM THWACK!

DS looking ok so the saint must finally be doing something right though.

Lovely walk today with a friend. Work tomorrow and business trip this week.......

oooh Happy when I read posts like that re money I get so annoyed for two reasons... one for you because that's rubbish and two because the saint actually makes my H look like one. I mean he's not - he's a twunt but he has always paid his maintenance and is still paying half the mortgage (tho warning alarms are going off as he is currently making noises about being skint). When I read about people who are having to deal with more outlandish behaviour then I start seeing my exH as ok - when he's clearly not - and it actually starts making me question if I am being too harsh on him - when I want an excuse to hate him for the rest of my life. I could actually start to feel lucky if I read enough posts which is scary when I consider what he is actually like..

On a different note... Tea maybe lack of interest in or desire for men is something to do with having v young DCs ? I am still B-Feeding so that may have something to do with it but actually even when I stop when DS is 9 months or so I still can't see me feeling ready or interested -I think when they are young (thanks for advice on teething btw) they take up every shred of your time and energy. The thought of finding the time or will to let anyone into our lives in the near future seems alien to me - plus it's an uncomplicated and happy house - and a huge part of me feels v reluctant to rock the boat.

Ggm - I really identify with what you say about not rushing in even once you do feel like it - I am trying to do some work on myself and I am really getting the Co-dependancy stuff - and have been to some CODA meetings - really eye opening and it's all really resonating with me - and making me be much more aware of my own feelings and behaviours. When I first called my sister and told her that H had walked out the first thing she said was 'This will be the making of you' - and I am actually starting to believe her. On some levels it almost feels like him going was a gift

kate - Where does it all come from ? You are one strong lady. I have a lot of respect for you.

Patience - really good to hear you are starting to feel stronger. When I first came on here your posts really kept me going and still do. Have been meaning to ask you ... are you doing a twelve step program ? I am just starting to - It's just the serenity prayer made me wonder....

I think having young DCs does have a reasonable effect on how I see myself and men. I love my kids and have a very full life but I also feel like a "mummy" not an attractive potential lover iyswim? I'm not saying I have self esteem issues, I just cannot get my head around being anything other than mum right now Tbh they'd have to be spectacular for me to even go there. I've always chosen the wrong men and then the one man I thought would always take care of me, betrayed me and he had a hidden porn issue as well and said some disrurbing things on separation about everything. So I think that all may be tied into it as well, but I am happy and content alone right now. Had a chat with ex h tonight by phone about DD and a rather overbearing friend of hers who hit her today and it was nice to chat about our DD etc.

yes exactly Tea- I see myself as a "mummy" too - well actually I feel like a mummy rather than seeing myself as one. If I go out in day or whatever without DCs I am aware of men looking at me and I sometimes wonder if they would have any idea by looking at me what my situation was - and they wouldn't . I don't look or dress as a 'mumsy' mum (whatever that is ?!) but anyway when I notice men looking at me I have NO interest whatsoever. A few months before H left he said something really horrible as a joke (I did not know there ws an OW then as that may have explained it) but we were in bed and he called me A sexual - as a joke - yeah hilarious. I do wonder if that may affect how I feel about myself when it comes to new /potential blokes... I know not to take all their shit on board but when the most important man in your life says that (ok he's not important now but I used to hang on his every word) then it kind of sticks and makes you doubt your appeal and ability iyswim

Hello gettingeasier, I saw your post about can I tell you more about myself; it is funny but I sort of don't want to go back over the horror of last year but to tell you how it is now: I have two dds. One is 14. The other is 12 and is profoundly physically disabled. She is in a wheelchair full time and has other care needs. She is unable to stand and so moving her, for me, involves hoisting. Because of her care needs it is not possible to leave her with an untrained baby sitter, and though I have a good care package, it requires two people from the agency, so promised shifts do not always materialise.
So H moved about 3 hrs away when he left us. He moved in with OW who also has three teenagers - two at boarding school, one on gap year.

I work part time.
The problem is that in order to see the girls, which H wants to do, he has to come here to our/my house: tho he has made it clear he considers the OW's home his home now. We have a separation agreement whereby he comes here two weekends in three; one he has sole care of the girls; the other we have joint care; so the third I have sole care. It is impossible for DD2 to go to the house as it is inaccessible.
I really hate the way he appears like (Friends fans you will know what I mean) HOliday Armadillo, scattering happiness and patience. While I am the baddie looking after the kids the whole time, the full gamut, who naturally loses patience and is sometimes grumpy. Easy to be smiley when you are here just for a weekend and can sod off to OW come Monday morning.
I see no change on the horizon;OW has house on market but no bites at all in seven months.
So here I am, surviving, with a fab group of friends, a life I love, but up and down dramatically at weekends. On the one hand I like the help when two of us are caring for DD, on the other I wish it was not H here.
Does that give a bit of a picture?

Offschool - hi. You are an amazing person to cope with all this. I'm so glad you love your life and have good friends. I know just what you mean about being the baddie - I feel the same. It's so easy for part time fathers - they can go to the pub after their "shift" however long it is but have no idea about the relentless long haul.
Had a really busy day here with the boys. Patience - am I allowed to come to your meetup with Maybee? I would love a girly night out/in! :)
And I think when you have young DCs you do feel like a mum rather than a potential love machine! Mine are 7 and 4.5 now and so I'm coming out of that "sick in hair" phase and starting to feel more like me again. I've been having fun recently trying to make more of an effort with my clothes, even for work, and it really has made me feel less like a walking car crash of emotion and more like a fully functioning member of society (well, at least someone who is lurking on the margins on good days!)

Hello Offschool
Sounds like you have a lot to deal with - but you do sound very strong. I know the Holiday Armidillooo! So I know what you mean when you say that.

Clouded and Tea my dc are 9 and 6 (and 19!) but don't feel too mumsy. I actually think I felt mumsy when I was with girls and ex more..maybe that was what he projected on me? I would like to meet someone - some of my friends are on dating sites, some just to chat to men - some to meet fellas. I have only ever 'been intimate' with my dc's dads...so feel like I would have to know a man really well and probably for a long time before I took the plunge! (much to the hilarity of my mates!)

That said - I am desparate for a shag! and I am clearly giving out those sort of pheremones!

Kate - you sound like you are in a good place. Good on you and if you chose to lets hope he is worthy of you.

ok being a bit thick here - want to post profile/pics etc but don't want to give any info away on the off chance that H has nothing better to do gets bored of shagging ginger marriage wrecker one night and investigates so is there a way of just doing everything privately instead of everything being public ? (ok - I am hanging head in shame at IT rubbishness)

Hi all

OffSchoolAgain, that sounds tough to me. hard to have to see him but difficult to avoid it when you need the help

Kate, I think sh*ing is probably for me too. I thought not if I could find a good candidate then well yes

Waves to all

** but if I could find a good candidate ....

** but if I could find a good candidate ....

clouded - you can just make pics available to your "mumsnet mates" - you just have to add the people on this thread to a list :)

thanks ggm - am signing self off to bed pre-empting another night of teething fun but shall get around to tmrow. errr can u do that with profile (likes etc page) too ?

Righto - I'm going to do my MN profile!

I think so clouded. good luck with teething. I too have night time shenanigans even though youngest is 4.5! He should be up any minute now. Sigh.

Cv I went to alanon on Startins advice last year but x had to babysit so only went for a couple of months.read some good books with the 12 steps in it.after philosophising for a year I re read the 12 steps and thought I was living my life close to that.after UR post I think I will search them out again and read them regularly have u read women who love too much?

Done my profile and put on a couple of pics! lol, don't know how I managed to choose 'no children' option.

I'll change it tomorrow :)

Gorgeous pics Kate

Thanks ggm.patience I have have grown a veritable self help library under my bed since h left ( would scare any potential suitors off!) and women who love too much was the first one I read.yes tis me-but a less extreme version of!

Re alanon/ CODA -the books are great-but it's actually going to the meetings that have made a difference for me-thAt said I know you don't get a chance to get away much and it's not essential.something that really helps me is the CODA daily reading book-'the language of letting go' whether you are co-dependent or not I think this book could be a real help to anyone in our situation.I love it and it only takes few mins every day to do and think about each reading . it's all about detachment,self esteem,loving who you are, being true, decision making etc-it's like a guide that was written with me in mind!

Loving the bw shot with the little uns didn't know u were from the north Kate x

Thanks if

Never sure if I'm a single mum or lone parent...if the kids do see their dad sometimes? But this campaign made me feel better tonight :)

www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/488/Youre-Brilliant

Patience
That was the first pic I did for my photoblog for last year...it was so rare to get the 3 of them together!

I find it difficult (but not impossible!) to look at last years blog, but in a way...it gives me proof that ex is rewriting history to suit him and OW...it's full of "me and ex" did this and that, including my birthday, valentines and stuff like that...all changed in April though when he gave OW a job...and I knew subconciously that something had changed in my life...and I stopped doing the photo a day.

But so glad I started again. Blip Foto is great, not only do you get lovely comments...but I can look at thumbnails of all my photos...and reaffirm how well I'm doing despite his best efforts.