My father (married 25 years) frequently "secretly" using gay porn

[TotallyFrozen]

Hi all, I am so grateful for the name change feature on this. I am posting here because hopefully there are many women on here who would be in a similar-length marriage to my mother and it is her welfare that I am concerned about here. Sorry this will be long-ish.

In a nutshell: My father is an unlikeable and difficult person. He rarely helps around the house, usually disagrees with whatever is said seemingly for the sake of being difficult, gets very angry and defensive if anyone criticises him (screams, makes threats towards you, threatens to leave), and spends his days rotating between sleeping, eating, watching TV, and using the computer. Unfortunately the feeling that I and my sibling have towards him is contempt, even though we wish we could have a good relationship with him. He has some good points (financial contributions, nice towards our pets). He has a history of falling out with others but always blames them, and has few friends or people he gets along with. The "narcissistic personality disorder" description rings very true for him (and I say this as someone who works in the mental health field). This description is basically "the tip of the iceberg".

My mother, whilst an imperfect human like all of us, is a kind and caring woman who is very selfless and giving.

The problem: My father is constantly looking up gay porn on the home computer. He has been doing this for probably 13 years, though my sibling and I only became certain of it around 2-3 years ago. Previously we attributed things we found (videos/ pictures hidden away in folders, constant viruses on the computer, etc.) to viruses, etc. He has been doing this since we were both children. Once we realised what was happening, we decided to install K9 (a child internet protection program) on all our home computers to at least stop the behaviour in the house. I know that there may be an argument against trying to control someone's use of porn but considering his horrible behaviour at home, we felt that it was awful of him to disrespect my mum in her home in this way whilst using her for her domestic services. I am OK with being criticised for this decision and would be interested in differing perspectives. My mum is not very good with technology and has no inkling of his behaviour. He thinks he is hiding his tracks, but he is not as good as he thinks he is with technology either.

Anyway, increasingly I am realising that installing programs that prevent him from accessing these sites constantly (i.e., every night once everyone has gone to bed, during the day when no-one is behind him) is only addressing a symptom rather than the core problem. He is now searching for images on Google images and on social networking type-sites which the internet protection program cannot block without blocking ALL such sites. It really angers me that he uses and puts down my mum during the day, then goes behind her back and does this most nights. My post is prompted by the fact that he did this last night and didn't even bother trying to cover his tracks by deleting his history. Is he WANTING to be discovered? Initially I was shocked finding this out, but I've now had 3 years to become semi-desensitised to it all.

My mum describes him as "a good man, though he has his problems" and has spoken in the past about how she is happy to be part of a couple and be financially secure. Most of his behaviour, she has learnt to "let go", because he gets so nasty when criticised. It is like we all tiptoe around him. They have been married around 25 years. I'm quite sure they have no sex life anymore (I say this because he sometimes goes off for "massages" twice a week or so - they seemed legitimate but I'm aware that gay porn might not be all that he's seeking out and I wouldn't want my mum's health at risk).

My question is: What do I do? His seeking out of gay porn is pervasive and frequent; before I put K9 on our computers he was doing it constantly and just minimising the screen when someone would walk past. I haven't brought up the topic, just passive-aggressively installed K9 and refused to remove it when he asked me to. We got some new computers and he installed K9 first so he could have control over what he viewed, and was watching all the porn again. Luckily I was able to hack into it, uninstall it, and put in a new version of K9 that I have control over. It is like this ridiculous passive-aggressive dance back and forth between us; however I do not feel it is my right to potentially destroy my parents' marriage by publicising what's going on.

I'm basically wondering, from women in long marriages, what you would want if this were your husband, and what issues might be important for me to consider? Should I remain quiet, talk to my father privately, tell my mum - what?

Am so pleased that more sensible, sensitive and mature posters are around now.

Am utterly revolted by the sentiment that the op "deserves ti be kicked out".

I don't think that's the feeling of most people- just that the OP is rather over-involved and would be less so if he/she got their own place. It is not expensive flat-sharing, and most people find a way to independence somehow.

The point Dignified, is that it should not be affecting them because they have outgrown the age at which they ought to be at home.

But they are at home and are still very much a part of the family . Whether they should be or not is obviously a personal decision this family has made. I dont think its up to others to decide how long the op should live at home for. While they are there they should not be walking on eggshells nor having to witness someone veiwing porn in their prescence.

Im really really surprised that there are so many unpleasant comments towards the op , yet hardly any comments about this abusive man who has his family walking on eggshells and who shoves porn down the familys throat.
Seems its ok to be an abusive arsehole but not ok to complain about it.

I wonder how comfortable some of you would feel if your dh was watching porn in front of your daughters , regardless of whose house it was or how old they were. Disgusting really.

Even if this were not the case, interfering in anyone's relationships-- especially your parents- is not on.

I disagree . There are times it is apropriate to interfere , the op states quite clearly that her dad is abusive to her mum and threatens her and screams at her . This isnt ok and i think if everyone interfered in these sorts of situations these abusive idiots wouldnt be quite so comfortable doing it.

Personally i think when a family member is being abused / deceived ect its everyones business.

Well, the OP is not in the UK, so there might be a whole other array of cultural differnces there we're not seeing.
I would not tell the mother though - she must know, or at least suspect hat is going on.
No wife is quite that clueless, after 25 years. And I do hope the saying "famous last words" won't bite me on the backside anytime soon .

THing is, OP, if you do decide to take some sort of action such as telling your mother, the chances are pretty good that your parents will unite against you and ask you to leave the family home. That's much more likely than your father making a grovelling apology and cutting his cock off.
The key question you have to answer is: are you prepared to have to leave the family home and manage on your own, or would you prefer to swallow your knowledge of your father's habits and stay in comfort and financially supported.

Because, well, that's the choice your mother has contended with. and it's not up to you to try to force her to choose differently.

Dignified is right.

Basically large parts of this thread consist of: so what if someone is being abused and cheated on and having their health put at risk. You qre an interfering little witch and should wind your neck in.

I think you're overstating your case there Appletrees.

I don't. You're bound to. But it's stinking obvious that there's a lot of hostility because he's a repressed homosexual. The advice might be the same if it was a straight issue. But it would be accompanied by a depth of sensitivity and understanding that ought to accompany such a distressing situation.

It's part of a horrible hypocrisy that same sex cheating "isn't as bad".

RRocks- but you are still an expert on Oedopus aren't you? That much is obvious.

You seem to have had a major hissy fit at the mention of Oedopus and the suggestion ( It was a suggestion) that it might apply. I wonder why?

Perhaps if you wish to resort to a personal, and unsubstantiated attack and single out my comments, without actually saying WHY you disagree, then you will PM me so as not to hijack the thread.

SGb- that is not entirely true- you imply that her mother knows about the porn and massages which she may or may not, and she may not percive the father's behaviour as abusive or intolerable.

One final point from me- in the absence of any more posts from the OP- okay there is a time zone difference we are led to believe- does anyone else think this may be a wind up?

my gues is that after a marriage that long and these regular 'massages', the wife knows... in fact it is probably an arrangement between them... dad is probably gay and she has exchanged a sex life for finantial security... not exactly unheard of in that generation is it?

To be fair I do think a lot of the points are good ones but people are being generally fairly extreme with their answers (on both sides). Personally, I don't think it is ever really appropriate to mess with anyone else's relationship unless absolutely necessary so if the OP's dad had confessed to secret extra marital sex and point blank refused to even contemplate telling his wife then I would advise for the sake of the mum's health and her right to make informed choices about her sex life that she would have to tell the mother and probably move out to give them space to sort out what they were going to do. However this whole thread seems to have run away with itself. How the family choose to arrange their living arrangements is nothing to do with us, no doubt there are good reasons for the OP living at home but even if not it has little to do with the actual problem. The actual problem as I see it is that the OP is very worried that her mum may be being lied to by her dad. She has a difficult relationship with her dad and so has understandably chosen to tackle the problem through avoidance and passive aggressive prevention. This isn't the best thing to do but in my opinion neither is being confrontational with the father or telling tales to the mother. She is understandably worried but surely there is as much probability that her dad is suffering secretly as there is that her mum is being abused and perhaps what is necessary is some understanding and exploration with her dad so she can confront her worries and actually establish what is going on. At the moment, apart from knowing he looks at porn the OP is merely speculating that her mother may be being hurt. Can't anyone understand that this speculation might be very upsetting and that this must be a very difficult thing to confront with your father?

I dont think its a wind up , i think its another genuine sad story about abusers and how they impact their familys , and also the quiet message family members sometimes receive , ie " keep your nose out , mind your own " ect.

There was a recent thread where a woman saw a man abusing his wife in a car park and intervened , applause all round " well done , how brave " , yet this poster is objecting to how her mother is being treated and is called all sorts , just look at Larrys shit post.

The op has attracted some horrible comments here , none are deserved , after all , she is not the one threatening and screaming at her family members , he is.

And of course its her business , whether she lived there or not. If someone was abusing my mother , sisters or daughter i would happily make it my business and make no apologys for that. At the minuite the op lives at home. Presumably at some point he / she will move out , along with their siblings and possibly have children of their own.

How will that work ? Who is going to visit the family home when grandad openly looks at porn and screams and yells at grandma and anyone else who upsets him ? Never mind mind your business , abuse is everyones business .

I wanted to add , my ex husband visited prostitutes , and was financially fraudulent with family money too . Even my soliciter seemed a bit doubtfull when i said i didnt know . How would i ?

I find that very odd , bear in mind he was a liar , someone who was deceptive and extremeley devious . Yet somehow , despite everything , i should have somehow just have known.

Op , dont assume your mum knows , she might not , and even if she does know everything and chooses to accept it , it doesnt mean you have to , your entitled to have some boundarys regarding porn and abusive verbal behaviour being acted out around you.

'If your mum won't leave him despite his generally abusive behaviour, she's not going to leave him over gay porn either.'

I disagree with this, SGB -- sometimes what keeps a woman in an abusive relationship is the malignant hope that things will get better if she can find some magic formula, or try harder to transform herself into the woman her unhappy man needs (he will have told her in many ways that she is the cause of her own unhappiness and his). Learning that he is gay might be the catalyst for an immense mindshift for the OP's mother. She might stop hoping, start realising she has no way of improving things and that nothing she does will ever be enough for this man.

LarryGrylls I'd like to see you try to tell my own DD1 what you have told the OP here. I would like to see you chastise her for running across love letters from her father to another man, and I would like you to hear her side the pain she carried with her until she felt she could finally tell me. How dare you excoriate the OP the way you did for running across something that her father had no right to have there in the first place, basically because you think a man who provides a home for his family has a right to do whatever he wants to there, and a right to have his so-called privacy respected. You are arguing in favour of male and paternal privilege here, saying the interests of his alleged authority in the home trumps all other rights.

DD1 found the evidence of exH's amorous activities with a man on our communal home computer thanks to exH's arrogant belief that he was much smarter than anyone else in the household when it came to computers. His total disregard for boundaries was clear to me when I sat down one day and moved the mouse, only to find what he had been up to. A man who leaves porn basically out in the open on a shared computer for his children to find is a man who is deeply hostile and self centered, has no boundaries and no respect for his children, and does not value his relationships with any of his family members.

Dignified ..star post.

I haven't read the whole thread,so I may have missed something,or repeat someone elses comments,but I must say how brave of you to come on here and how horrible for you to be in this situation.You are very young to be dealing with this.I have been with my husband for 15 years and I would absolutely want to know if this was going on.I would be appalled over any porn at all,but gay porn would also make me worried about his sexual orientation and that is obviously another issue.I do wonder whether some of your Dad's nastiness is to do with him being a repressed homosexual man.
Unlike other posters,I think your mother probably does not know,or I imagine she would be really worried about you finding things on the computer,as you also use it.However it would be quite humiliating for her to hear this from her children.I wonder if you could tell her while seeming to "not realise" e.g.say that you found stuff on the computer and why would it be there? This might give her a get out clause if she is very embarrassed.Or you could wait until you move out and then write a letter,or you could get together with your siblings and all tell her together,and say that you realise she may know and may not mind in which case you will never mention it again as it is then her issue to deal with.
I do think, like others,that you shoudl move out as soon as you can.You are studying,you don't want to have to worry about what will happen every time you log on to do some work,and you need some distance from this.
i think your father needs some help and advice from one of the gay helplines.
I don't really agree that this isn't your business at all,you are a family,it isn't your parents sex life as such that you are worried about,it is more like you finding out that your dad was having an affair,in which case I also think you would need to proceed on similar lines.
Really hope you get some words of wisdom here that really help as you must be worrying about this all the time.

cabbageroses,

I did say why. You were drawing a conclusion from an invalid argument. Sorry, but I can't be bothered going back to check the detail.

( It was a suggestion) that it might apply.

Didn't read like a suggestion to me. Maybe if you can be bothered going back to your original post another time you'll be able to see it in that light.

Don't take it personally that I don't agree with your reasoning.

The reason for bothering to point out where I disagree is that your conclusions were, in my view, potentially upsetting to the OP, who is already upset.

RRocks

"It's part of a horrible hypocrisy that same sex cheating "isn't as bad"."
Fairdos Appletrees, I think you've hit the nail on the head here wrt to the blatant hostility towards the OP

Same sex cheating is every bit as bad, and some aspects of it are worse imo. You look back at your life when you find out and wonder if even one day of it was real, if even one thing your spouse told you about loving you, blah, blah, was true.

I haven't been able to read the whole thread as it rings awfully close to home for my liking.

In a nutshell, it was discovered that my father, horrible narcissistic abusive man, had gay porn on his computer. Upshot is that he had been cheating on my mother throughout their over 25 yr marriage with men. When this was confirmed to her/she was told she insisted ona separation (lukcily he was commuting weekly anyway by then) and she has since divorced him and been much happier.

She had no idea, how could she have stayed with him if she had?

I am so sorry for you havign to og throuhg this and if you would like to PM me I ma happy to talk about it with you but cannot read this thread, sorry.