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Original poster

When dh earns a LOT more than you how do you split chores etc.?

176 replies

mychatnickname · 26/12/2010 10:26

I work part time when ds is at school. Dh works full time and now earns a lot more than me (maybe 10 times more).

We are obviously very lucky that he has such a well paid job.

Dh has intimated that I should be doing most of the chores/ household stuff because of this or I should get a full time job (even though we don't need the extra money). I think he feels it's unfair as I don't contribute much (although I'd argue I'm there for ds after school and to attend school events and that counts for a lot)

Recently, although still good with ds, he has reduced the amount of stuff he does round the house down.He has made comments questioning what I contribute as we have only 1 dc and I don't earn that much but enjoy my job. He seems to think I should pull my finger out. I actually work quite hard and don't go for coffees/ shopping adventures when ds is at school.

I sort of see his point but when we first got together and things were a bit more equal I probably wouldn't have signed up to the idea that I'd be little miss housewifey just because he'd end up earning so much more. I have a brain and don't want to be a stepford wife who wafts around the house. I don't spend much money at all so am not that kind of footballer's wife type either!

I do want a career and the satisfaction that brings. Maybe that's a bit selfish??

If your dh earns a lot more than you, what do you do about chores??

OP posts:
Original poster
mychatnickname · 26/12/2010 10:27

I meant I don't contribute much in his view. I do most of the chores already - I think he thinks I should do all of them even at weekends.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 26/12/2010 10:31

It doesn't matter how much you earn, it matters how much you work. Work includes paid work and household work and childcare and grocery shopping and all kinds of things.

You should both get the same amount of time to sit down and Mumsnet (or whatever it is that you like to do). :)

usualsuspect · 26/12/2010 10:32

I think it has nothing to do with who earns what and hes taking the piss

JustinCaseyHowls · 26/12/2010 10:34

Agree with usualsuspect. Try some advice on the feminist boards. Nip this in the bud with a powerpoint presentation, explaining equality. Don't let this run.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 26/12/2010 10:34

So, when he's got time off, having been to work, when is your time off due to the fact that you've still got work to do after work?!?!

Surely, he shouldn't be viewing spending time with his child as WORK!!!

Tell him to grow up and pull his weight at home.

nbee84 · 26/12/2010 10:35

Chores shouldn't be about who earns what money, but about who has time to do things.

My dh works 6 days a week and often 11 hour days - so most of the chores fall to me as I work 3 days a week. I have more time so it makes sense. He's still expected to do his bit when he is around, but as I'm here during the day I've usually done things like bathrooms, washing and ironing.

AnotherMumOnHere · 26/12/2010 10:37

I dont think its as straight cut that if he earns 10x your earnings that he should do less work or you should do more. There are a lot more things to be taken into consideration - one of them being - what hours does he work - does he do a 30/40/60/80 hour week. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I dont think its selfish wanting a career of your own, though, sometimes that has got to be put on hold while the children are growing up.

Lots of others will have other thoughts too ... lets wait and see what they say.

Original poster
mychatnickname · 26/12/2010 10:46

He doesn't work very long hours - probably a max of 40 hours a week but sometimes skives off.

He does definitely do his fair share of parenting. It's the other stuff I'm wondering about. Like at weekends putting dishes away and I think he thinks I should do all his laundry.

He has questioned what value I bring to the relationship compared to him. I don't understand what more I can do - I earn less I can't change that.

OP posts:
lucy101 · 26/12/2010 10:46

Some (most!) years my DH has also earned 10 x what I have... but we have never considered earnings to be linked with what is done at home.

We do put his work first a lot of the time (as the money is important)... but not always and household tasks are more linked to who has the most time after their work/who is actually working. We are both freelance so our work is very up and down so we also have lots of days together when neither of us work. On those we try to spend equal amounts of time on stuff at home.

Berelin · 26/12/2010 10:47

We are in the converse situation. I earn much much more than my DH, and I work nearly full time, while he works fewer hours. It would never occur to either of us that the disparity in our incomes should affect who does most around the house. There is one issue that we're both struggling with a bit: I feel quite strongly that because we live off my income (we could never live off his, and use it basically as pin money, savings etc.) and my job is most precious to our family life, I should get 'first dibs' on overtime etc. At the moment, DH is working very long (essentially unpaid) extra hours to finish a project and I have not really been managing to do my full hours - this is causing quite a bit of tension (but that's a whole other post).
We both agree that our kids benefit from not having both parents work full time, and the main reason why DH works fewer hours than me is because he is the lower wage earner. Because he works fewer hours, he does more around the house but not THAT much more. And I still do an awful lot. Certainly when we're both at home, we share 50:50 (or perhaps I do a bit more. Grrr).

I think you're DH is being a bit of a plonker, but I don't suppose he's that unusual.

violethill · 26/12/2010 10:47

I agree with mumofone. It's not about him
Doing less because he earns loads more. You need to look at the specifics of the situation. I assume that he works very long hours, or perhaps has enormous stress factors, if he earns so much? And op, you said you only work part time so therefore it seems logical that you do more at home because you're there to do it!!

But you need to sit down and discuss with him and come to a mutual agreement. Maybe he doesn't actually enjoy having such a big responsibility for providing? You say all you want is to have a part time job you enjoy, rather than chasing after money- that's all very well, but the bills need to be paid too. Sounds as though he's not totally happy with the set up either- so you need to talk

FanjoForTheMincePies · 26/12/2010 10:48

my DH earns 10 times what I have but we both just share out the chores and money, neither of us says "i do this so you should do this", i think that is very unhealthy!

Berelin · 26/12/2010 10:49

ugh. 'your DH' not 'you're DH' of course

Oblomov · 26/12/2010 10:53

You have one ds who is at school ?
And you choose to work part time.
So tell us what you do ?
I work part time, ds1 is at school and ds2 is 2, so at home with me. I do alot of the chores.
But my dh pulls more thna his weight and is the driver, in getting housework done, and looking after the boys, and cooking and ironing, when he gets home.

I think you problems are a bit more deep rotted thna you imagine.
I think your dh has deep rooted resentment. I am not sure what. Maybe he doesn't even know. But you need to get tot he bottom of it !!

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 26/12/2010 10:53

"He has questioned what value I bring to the relationship compared to him."

OMFG!!!

What an arrogant jackass. If that was all he's interested in, tell him to fuck off to his own place and employ a bastard maid!!!!

Original poster
mychatnickname · 26/12/2010 10:53

I think we had a good balance until recently - I probably did 75% of things as I had more time after school when ds is home but occupying himself.

It's recently since a big pay rise that dh has been giving the impression I should in effect do everything and it's showing at the moment as he hasn't done as much round the house.

OP posts:
moondog · 26/12/2010 10:54

I can't see that 'doing all his laundry' is taxing. It takes, what, a few minutes to push some clothes into a machine.

usualsuspect · 26/12/2010 10:54

tell him to pay for a sodding cleaner then

GypsyMoth · 26/12/2010 10:54

what has made him suddenly back out of doing stuff?? why so suddenly?

violethill · 26/12/2010 10:55

X posts there- I see he only does around 40 hours so not excesssive. What are the reasons he earns so much? Big pressure? Danger? Insecure work?
I'm not suggesting any of these are excuses for not doing his share- just throwing out reasons as to why he might not be happy. Clearly neither of you are happy with the current situation-you feel put upon at home, and it sounds like a classic situation where he has responsibility for the major providing and perhaps doesn't feel that's fair

moondog · 26/12/2010 10:57

If you work part time, it would be no trouble at all to do most of the chores too so that when he is home, you just enjoy family time. I can't see the issue here apaprt from a lot of resentful women getting into a tizz if anyone suggets they lift a finger.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 26/12/2010 10:58

With a 40 hour working week, the ONLY valid reason I can see for him trying to get out of doing chores is if he brings work home.

MollysChambers · 26/12/2010 11:00

He sounds utterly dreadful.

Doesn't matter how much he earns there will always be chores to be done. You're his partner not his slave.

If you have more time in the house then it is reasonable to expect you to do more than him but seriously, what an arrogant pig!

Would it work the other way? If you earned a lot more than him he would do everything?? Doubt it....

needsatrim · 26/12/2010 11:00

I agree with most of above. I really do think you need to address his flipping attitude now. It sounds like his pay rise has given him some sort of superiority complex. You need to leave him to it for a coulple of days to give him a gentle reminder of what childcare and household chores actualy involve. (I know, probably not a chance of that happening)He wouldn't get far with me I'm afraid. Sounds like an arrogant prick.

blueshoes · 26/12/2010 11:03

Chores should not be split according to earning power. It should be split according to time spent at home after paid employment and childcare.

I used to earn more than dh, then equal, now he earns much more. The split of chores depending on who was ft v. pt.