When dh earns a LOT more than you how do you split chores etc.?

[mychatnickname]

I work part time when ds is at school. Dh works full time and now earns a lot more than me (maybe 10 times more).

We are obviously very lucky that he has such a well paid job.

Dh has intimated that I should be doing most of the chores/ household stuff because of this or I should get a full time job (even though we don't need the extra money). I think he feels it's unfair as I don't contribute much (although I'd argue I'm there for ds after school and to attend school events and that counts for a lot)

Recently, although still good with ds, he has reduced the amount of stuff he does round the house down.He has made comments questioning what I contribute as we have only 1 dc and I don't earn that much but enjoy my job. He seems to think I should pull my finger out. I actually work quite hard and don't go for coffees/ shopping adventures when ds is at school.

I sort of see his point but when we first got together and things were a bit more equal I probably wouldn't have signed up to the idea that I'd be little miss housewifey just because he'd end up earning so much more. I have a brain and don't want to be a stepford wife who wafts around the house. I don't spend much money at all so am not that kind of footballer's wife type either!

I do want a career and the satisfaction that brings. Maybe that's a bit selfish??

If your dh earns a lot more than you, what do you do about chores??

During the week, he works outside the home; I do the necessary within it, take care of the children, and do part-time voluntary work (and carve out time for coffees, Pilates or whatever - just as he carves out time for the odd round of golf and visits to the gym).

The weekends are the time outside our respective "work", and so whatever needs to be done or enjoyed is shared.

Would he be responsive to your putting it in those terms?

He's just had a pay rise, and in the current climate that's not easy to get- no doubt he's had targets to meet. Is he feeling that he's not getting a fair deal by having so much pressure to provide?
Seems to me that both of you are feeling the current situation is unfair. You feel the amount of housework you do is unfair. He clearly feels its unfair that he has to be he major earner while you work part time.
It really doesn't matter which way round it is- whether the woman is main earner, the man is part time..... The problem is when a couple feel resentful of the other partner

mychat, it seems like your dh is putting pressure on you to give up your job and devote your time to making his life at home comfortable.

Resist - my father made my mother give up her job - and she ended up being taken for granted. Retaining your economic independence was one of the strongest messages my mother imparted to my sister and I.

moondog - I have been doing most of his laundry and agree but it's more than just laundry as that was one example. There's still not loads to do as we do have a cleaner but it's the principle and also the feminist in me is annoyed by this idea that because I earn less (and I probably actually earn a vaguely reasonable amount for school hours only work), I should be doing pretty much all the domestic stuff.

I earn more than my DH but not by the amount that you say. I think what counts is the number of hours you work. My DH works about 30 hours a week unless he wants more hours whereas during term time I work at least double that.

Therefore he does most of the housework so we have weekends together free of chores. I think that is fair to be honest.

Violet - he's bloody clever so that's why and I respect that. Not a pressured job or dangerous or anything.

Moondog - I really don't mind doing more than him during the week and do (I do all laundry, school related stuff, general family organising, food shopping and cooking). During the week if I go out occasionally to play hockey he will do ds' dinner (heating something up) so that's fine too. He's not a total nightmare.

It's just at weekends and during holidays such as at the moment - if we're both at home I think things should be shared more equally.

I must point out that I probably do most of the chores, which is fair enough, I just meant we don't sit down and say "I do this so you should do this".

Tingle - I agree that's fair. A few of you who have said it's the hours worked not sum earned are right. And if he worked 60 hour weeks I'd be much happier with doing the weekend chores too.

Tbh, if you have only one school age child, a cleaner, and you only work part time, it sounds like you're making a bit of a big deal over this.

You say it's the feminist in you making a stand as a matter of principle, but on the other hand you're happy to work just part time while your dh earns ten times more! Are you sure you aren't just switching on the feminist line when it suits you?

Don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you're making a point here just for the sake of it. He's got almost entire earning responsibility for the household. You do more of the housework because you work only part time . What's the problem?

If one or both of you is genuinely not happy, then you need to sit down and renegotiate. But that may mean changes on both sides. Tbh, I wouldn't like to feel I had to do more housework than my dh- but neither would he countenance having to earn ten time more while I worked part time.
M

E. It cuts both ways.

I don't see how there can be that much to do at the weekend. We have one child and there is never any housework as such to do at the weekend.

Hi. I just wondered what you think of my situation. I have always been a SAHM and my H earns alot of money. I have done virtually all the childcare and everything else to do with running the home. He does some cooking as he enjoys cooking. He has never put the bins out. Do others agree with him that as he goes to work, he shouldn't have to do anything outside of that? (I am looking for work, improved skills/taken courses to help my employability, but not easy to get back into work after being at home for several years; dc 8 and 10 and money (my lack of contribution has been an issue).

There isn't that much to do I agree. I think we should share what there is at weekends though.

Violet - he doesn't have to earn more than me as I have told him he could downshift if he wanted so he's not exactly hard done to either.

I know I'm lucky so apologies if it sounded like a whinge. It's this idea that he wants me to be housewifey and doesn't value my work (even if part time) or parenting etc. that I think has riled me.

I don't think income should determine how much each person should do in terms of household chores. More down to who is available to do it.

I work pt and I am not at work every afternoon so have approximate 2.5 hours a day when I am not working and not got dd, in term time. Therefore I do the greater where of housework and cooking etc.

I hate having to do household chores at weekends as I prefer us to be free to do other stuff, so unless we have people coming and need to do an extra clean or something It is done in he week. Apart from ironing which is dh's job in our house which he does on a Sunday morning normally whilst listening to music.

I agree about the weekend thing. We have 3 children, and even when they were younger, its possible to organise things so the weekends are pretty clear from housework.

I always did the lions share of housework when I was on maternity leaves and when I worked part time. Once the youngest was in school, I returned full time, and chores have always been evenly split.

As thesecondcoming says, you have far more time, if you're only working part time, school hours. And tbh in this day and age, how long do chores really need to take? Laundry means sticking clothes in a machine and pressing a button. The days when housework genuinely was a full time job are long gone

If my DH was at home full time I could not see how I would not have that much to do at home tbh. Once a house is tidy and organised it does not take long to run a home.

I agree with Moondog. What is the OP doing all day to warrant this complaint. You hAVE NO CHILDREN At home. You drop your ds off at school, and you can't get the chores done ?

Errrr yeah, I'd be complaining aswell if I was your dh.

"It's just at weekends and during holidays such as at the moment - if we're both at home I think things should be shared more equally." says OP.
Agreed. BUT, what are you refering to. What possible chores could be left at the weekend, that your dh SHOPULD be doing ?
You should have completed them all yourself, int he week, surely ?

Oblomov - Please read the thread, I work when he is at school. God if I didn't work there's no way I'd even think about it. As I said I don't even mind doing the chores during the week.

But he is at school between 9 and 3.30ish. That does leave lots of time to do housework.

It is about being organised and then no one ddoes chores at the weekend. My husband works school hours but still manages to get most things done. We also make use of early mornings so we can both relax at the weekend.

I had read every post. But I just didn't get it. Best I step away.

deludedfool - in rpely to your post, if one parent is working full time and the other is a SAHP, with children age 10 and 8, then yes, I would expect the SAHP to do all of the housework, and indeed all the 'organisation' aspects of running a home - paying bills etc. The SAHP has more than enough time for all that, - like I said, these days, housework really doesn't need to take that long.

Of course, if you start working, then you should re-negotiate responsibilities accordingly.

I don't see it as a gender issue at all btw - the same applies whichever parent is home.

"He has questioned what value I bring to the relationship compared to him."

So maybe you could question how much he has devalued your relationship by reducing it to such a crude monetary assessment.

His attitude stinks, frankly. I would be royally pissed off if I were you, and not because of who does what chores. That's down to opportunity in our house. If I'm here more, I tend to do them, and vice versa. But it's you H's assumption that somehow you're a lesser person because he earns more that would have me eyeing up that shovel with a view to smacking him round the head with it!

I would agree 100% if one is a SAH parent of course they should do all the chores.

BUT I DO WORK. I am not sitting around at home filing my nails/ going to spas or whatever. Sometimes I work in the evenings too.

Tingle - yes dc is at school those hours and I WORK those hours. I don't have a problem with doing the chores after school when ds is home. I probably did not explain that well.

My last try at explaining this (and some of it is my fault as my OP was rambling) - I think that at weekends and during the holidays we should share stuff more (and yes I agree I should try and keep on top of things during the week and no I'm not having that tough a time with just one dc etc).