When dh earns a LOT more than you how do you split chores etc.?

[mychatnickname]

I work part time when ds is at school. Dh works full time and now earns a lot more than me (maybe 10 times more).

We are obviously very lucky that he has such a well paid job.

Dh has intimated that I should be doing most of the chores/ household stuff because of this or I should get a full time job (even though we don't need the extra money). I think he feels it's unfair as I don't contribute much (although I'd argue I'm there for ds after school and to attend school events and that counts for a lot)

Recently, although still good with ds, he has reduced the amount of stuff he does round the house down.He has made comments questioning what I contribute as we have only 1 dc and I don't earn that much but enjoy my job. He seems to think I should pull my finger out. I actually work quite hard and don't go for coffees/ shopping adventures when ds is at school.

I sort of see his point but when we first got together and things were a bit more equal I probably wouldn't have signed up to the idea that I'd be little miss housewifey just because he'd end up earning so much more. I have a brain and don't want to be a stepford wife who wafts around the house. I don't spend much money at all so am not that kind of footballer's wife type either!

I do want a career and the satisfaction that brings. Maybe that's a bit selfish??

If your dh earns a lot more than you, what do you do about chores??

This thread is making me think. I will have to pull my socks up and do alot more from now on. Dh starts his 'dream job', in 2 days, after being made redundant. More cooking, less demands, more supportive. The expectations that go with the job description and salary, will be high. Thus mine will have to be less.

in your shoes op, i would get a full time job. put your kid in after school care - and get your dh to pay for it.

pay more for the cleaner

do the maths - you might end up less well off

then tell your dh to go fuck himself

and shit in his shoes

When my dp was in the forces I had to give up my work at certain points during his career as the commutes were too far. As I was at home I did everything, now that the roles have reversed and I am out working I did expect him to pick up and do everything.

Problem was he had no idea how much I actually did!! He has had a huge bloody shock in the last few months. He has totally changed his view on my SAHM status of the last few years.

Perhaps the OP should take a week off and let him get on with it....he'd soon do a double take.

Oh and tell your husband I earn 250% more than my husbands pension but I don't waft it in his face every 5 minutes. It's not about earning potential IMHO it sounds like he is scared of having the responsibility and is lashing out a bit.

Shit in his big shoes*custard" -he's the big man in the house remember!

Bifullofgiblets - I think you've hit the nail on the head, that the problem usually arises when couples have totally polarised roles and can simply not realise exactly what the other person's role entails.

A partner who is out working all day, can fall into the trap of thinking that being home is easy, and not realising that looking after young children, particularly if you have several pre-schoolers, can be demanding and full-on.

And a partner who is home all day, can fall into the trap of thinking that going out to work means a leisurely commute and then sitting in an office drinking coffee without anyone making demands on you. Wrong - working life (particularly these days) can be cut-throat, challenging and having to be constantly on the ball.

FWIW I've seen both the above views bandied about on MN at various times - that both looking after young children is 'nothing' and that going out to work is 'nothing' - and both views are direspectful.

For many couples (us incuded) it works best to both share both aspects of life pretty much equally. You then know first hand that the grass isn't greener. I think its a lot harder for couples who have quite separate roles, particularly as life isn't static, children grow up, careers progress and can become more demanding, and what works for a couple of years might not be a reasonable balance later on.

'can i just say that firecting someone to the 'feminist' section is a bit knobbish.
not everything is a fucking battle- why find a feminist agenda in putting someones pants in the washing machine,someone she loves and married and had children with...it's not like she's chained to the fucking sink is it...'

Gosh well said Second! So true! How is it that the world is full of sour women bleating and moaning about everything?

Er, not the world moondog mumsnet, there is a big difference; mumsnet is here for the purpose of 'bleating and moaning' (amongst other things)is it not?

Isn't it just!

I don't bleat and moan about everything

but I would if this was my husband !!

I rarely bleat on MN ..but if my dp thought he was more important than me, because he earnt more I would do more than fucking moan

This has turned into a useful and interesting discussion.

We are having some relationship counselling. Can you tell we need it ??!

On a break from it for Christmas and this issue was bugging me.
We have now had a chat and cleared up expectations on who should do what and when. He has asked that I stop nagging him/ being bossy (probably fair enough) but generally doesn't mind mucking in at the weekend.

I still worry about the statements he made (albeit mid a heated argument) about me not bringing anything to the relationship but hopefully we can explore that in the counselling. It's f'ing outrageous to say that and totally undervalues e.g. the parenting I do and the support I thought I gave dh e.g. if he has a big career decision.

In the heated argument he said something like "I bring more to the relationship in terms of economic value so what do you bring?"

Yes, I think counselling is a good idea in the circumstances

People do say horrid things to each other in the heat of the moment.
It's called an argument.Have you never said anything unkind and unpleasant to him that perhaps you don't really mean?

Why can't we just have a reasonable discussion, within A topic,( relationships, AIBU or whatever) without someone re-directing it to the feminist section ? Re-directing it,was unnecessary.

\my x earned about five times what I did and then I went on maternity leave. He wouldn't do pick ups or drop offs (to creche) so I had to resign from my job. I had to make that sacrifice, I had no choice, and yet he thought he was doing me a favour. I left him though. Some men think money is power.

But a decent fair man won't behave/think like that. ONly an arsehole will consider the money he earns 'his' and worse, use 'his' wealth to control you.

Whilst also thinking your DH has ishoos, TBH OP I too am wondering what you are doing with your time if it's taking 40 hours a week to run the house and look after 1 DC. It should take 4-6 hours a week plus school run.

Quite.
My dh is away for weeks at a time.
I manage a f/t job, a home and 2 kids no problem, whilst also doing plenty of other stuff.

OP

What Mothers Do When it Looks Like Nothing

This is a brilliant book.

And as for sour and moaning women....there is an easy way to cure that....LEAVE.

I did just that and have to say that not once since I did leave my ex-H have I felt like moaning about anything, but then I have no man in the house taking the piss. It's very liberating, and I can highly recommend it as a lifestyle choice.

Boffin...the OP works while her DC is at school.

I realise now. I misread the original message and missed that. In that case her response should be that she is working and bringing up his child, and he should get stuffed.

If my dp earnt a million quid a year I would still expect him to help with the housework ..not come home to his dinner on the table and his pipe and slippers warming

If I or my dh earned a million pounds a year I wouldn't expect either of us to do the housework.

My ideal partner a millionaire(ss) who does the housework.