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Original poster

When dh earns a LOT more than you how do you split chores etc.?

176 replies

mychatnickname · 26/12/2010 10:26

I work part time when ds is at school. Dh works full time and now earns a lot more than me (maybe 10 times more).

We are obviously very lucky that he has such a well paid job.

Dh has intimated that I should be doing most of the chores/ household stuff because of this or I should get a full time job (even though we don't need the extra money). I think he feels it's unfair as I don't contribute much (although I'd argue I'm there for ds after school and to attend school events and that counts for a lot)

Recently, although still good with ds, he has reduced the amount of stuff he does round the house down.He has made comments questioning what I contribute as we have only 1 dc and I don't earn that much but enjoy my job. He seems to think I should pull my finger out. I actually work quite hard and don't go for coffees/ shopping adventures when ds is at school.

I sort of see his point but when we first got together and things were a bit more equal I probably wouldn't have signed up to the idea that I'd be little miss housewifey just because he'd end up earning so much more. I have a brain and don't want to be a stepford wife who wafts around the house. I don't spend much money at all so am not that kind of footballer's wife type either!

I do want a career and the satisfaction that brings. Maybe that's a bit selfish??

If your dh earns a lot more than you, what do you do about chores??

OP posts:
AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 22:46

Mr AF "gets away with" plenty, contrary to MN opinion, but disrespect on this level ?

no way, jose

TDada · 26/12/2010 22:49

AF you are a MN icon so you can't be saying that Mr AF isn't on best behaviour. Xmas Smile

AnyFuckerisFucked · 26/12/2010 22:57

hey, I never said he was perfect Xmas Grin

I am top of the queue to be TD's second wife anyway, so if he so much as doesn't iron my socks how I like them he is history

TanteAC · 26/12/2010 23:05

It's not about the practicalities of chores being done as much as an imbalance of power in your relationship, it seems.

I would be really hurt if my DH inferred any of this. We don't have DCs, but I am in a similar position (although obv work full time), and it would never occur to me to think we have to balance out chores related to incomes, etc.

We are a team, so I end up cooking/cleaning more because I am often home 3 hours before him. But I don't 'owe' him that time for earning more than me/working longer hours, I am happy to do it because I know he appreciates it.

I think you feel like he does not value your role any more. Maybe it's time for a frank discussion about how you both wish to provide for your family unit (money/chores/childcare/shopping) and what you are happy with the other person doing. But nothing good will come of power struggles or superiority/inferiority games.

HTH!

TDada · 26/12/2010 23:09

yes, your DH attitude must be disappointing. Deep down, is he a good guy who is just getting a bit carried away and beating his chest or is he a pig? Hopefully it is the former. If he is 40+ and acting this way then I am a little worried for you. If he is acting this way cos he is a bit young and pinching himself cos of his recent career strides then I think you can whip him into shape.

sakura · 26/12/2010 23:15

Well...seeing as your dh regards your relatonship as a business, then i would say:

1] Does he realise that he probably wouldn't have got his precious promotion if you hadn't been taking on the bulk of the responsibility of caring for your son (when he's ill off school, getting him there, picking him up, all the other chores in between)?

2] Does he realise that married men fare better in the workplace, and in life in general, than single men? Having a wife is an emotional asset to men; whereas married women fare worse than single women in the emotion stakes.

3] I don't get all these men people who were perfectly capaable of doing their own chores when single and working, but suddenly lose the ability to do half as much once their acquire a wife...

4] As you say, there is a reason you don't have a career, and it's not laziness... there's a reason your DH is doing well in his career, despite have a child, and it's not brilliance on his part that enabled him to do it....

PenguinArmy · 27/12/2010 01:04

My DH is a SAHD to DD. When I'm at home we split the chores as that what seems obviously fair. Overall he does a lot more than me. In fact he's bathing DD right now (something I have never done but then he's never BF her).

TDada · 27/12/2010 17:30

can you have a chat with DH and show real appreciation/positive feedback for his career achievements and financial provision but at the same time make strong point about him losing sight about what your partnership/family life means.

Most people are more receptive to feedback if you tell them what they are doing right at the same time as areas for improvement.

Set him some SMART objectives, in corporate speak Smile

clam · 27/12/2010 19:06

Massage his ego, you mean?
Hmm

TDada · 27/12/2010 21:05

No; don't you think that unless he is a real loser that OP is likely to get better resolution if the feedback is balanced? This is her DH that she has not yet given up on remember.

clam · 27/12/2010 21:44

No. This is her DH who is believing his own press and is in need of a reality check.

Ripeberry · 27/12/2010 21:50

He is being an arse! Even if you worked full time, he would find fault in you not doing the housework to his liking and even if you brought in a cleaner he would complain about having to fork out for it...even if it's your own money!

Marriage and having kids is all about comprimise and working together, not getting into petty squabbles about who earns what!
You are both grown adults who are keeping a roof over your heads and bringing up your offspring.
Can't stand this competitiveness with what people earn, as long as you have food in your belly a roof over your head and everyone is in good health what more do you need?

Original poster
mychatnickname · 27/12/2010 21:51

He did say some of the worst stuff after I'd said that he had been lucky to get where he was compared to me - he took that as an affront i.e. it wasn't just luck. So he was reacting to that when he said the stuff about me not adding anything. Still not forgivable but it is important context and I think TD is right there.

OP posts:
ShanahansRevenge · 27/12/2010 21:58

I "waft around" being a "housewifey"

You sound very judgemental to me.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/12/2010 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EdgarAleNPie · 27/12/2010 22:15

SMART

Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Targets

this husband is dumb

Disrespectful
Up himself
Misogynist
Bum.

TDada · 27/12/2010 22:43
Smile
epicfail · 28/12/2010 10:49

OP your DH should chip in on the weekends. How is it your fault that he earns more than you? As you say, it isnt as if he is working 60 or 80 hour weeks. If he sits doing nothing on the weekend - sit yourself right down next to him and do the same!

As an aside - I am Shock at the many people implying that doing the washing merely involves pushing the button on the washing machine. Do none of you peg the washing out, get it back in, fold it, iron it and put it away? Or spend days in the winter rearranging it all over racks trying to avoid having the tumble dryer going 24/7? Or is it just that I am washing for 6 people - washing is a huge issue in our house!

Chandon · 28/12/2010 10:54

We are in a similar situation, but my DH is very appreciative of me being there for the kids after school.

So we got a cleaner.

And do our foodshop online.

and get the kids to help a bit, we ALL help, housework is not one person's job but the family's job.

Chandon · 28/12/2010 10:56

epic fail, washing is the job I hate MOST!

sorting socks, draping an undraping....

But I guess I don't feel comfortable with using dryer, for economic and environmental reasons. Maybe that is silly?

Chandon · 28/12/2010 10:57

OP, don't like the way you dismiss housewives though.

IAmReallyFabNow · 28/12/2010 11:08

My dh earns a lot more than me as I earn nothing. I stay at home full time to look after our children. He would never say I need to do more than him. He isn't a prick, sorry OP but your husband is.

mjinsparklystockings · 28/12/2010 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mychatnickname · 28/12/2010 13:34

I hold my hands up and apologise for that - I did not mean people who are home with young kids or have a big brood and sorry if it came across that way. I would never make a negative comment about that intentionally. I did mean the sort of wives round here who don't have young children and have an au pair plus kids at school who literally spend all day shopping/ having coffee/ at the gym. So that's a bit judgey pants of me but my point was I could understand dh being hacked off.

I totally understand the value of being a housewife staying at home with young children and how hard it can be so apologies once again if I chose my words badly.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 28/12/2010 13:43

Mychat, if your dh questioned your contribution in the heat of an argument in response to a perceived slight on his ability, then I would not make too big a deal of it.

Only you know whether that was a one-off comment or was the symptom of larger problems in his perception of you in general. His asking you to go up to ft also seems like him dossing around for points to score in an argument. Even if you went ft, he would still have a stick to beat you with, in that your earnings will still be so much lower than his (I assume).

Is he eaten up with resentment about his perceiving you are having an easier life than him? Who put him up to doing so well financially at work. Is there something in his upbringing that makes him compare and fret at perceived unfairness.