When dh earns a LOT more than you how do you split chores etc.?

[mychatnickname]

I work part time when ds is at school. Dh works full time and now earns a lot more than me (maybe 10 times more).

We are obviously very lucky that he has such a well paid job.

Dh has intimated that I should be doing most of the chores/ household stuff because of this or I should get a full time job (even though we don't need the extra money). I think he feels it's unfair as I don't contribute much (although I'd argue I'm there for ds after school and to attend school events and that counts for a lot)

Recently, although still good with ds, he has reduced the amount of stuff he does round the house down.He has made comments questioning what I contribute as we have only 1 dc and I don't earn that much but enjoy my job. He seems to think I should pull my finger out. I actually work quite hard and don't go for coffees/ shopping adventures when ds is at school.

I sort of see his point but when we first got together and things were a bit more equal I probably wouldn't have signed up to the idea that I'd be little miss housewifey just because he'd end up earning so much more. I have a brain and don't want to be a stepford wife who wafts around the house. I don't spend much money at all so am not that kind of footballer's wife type either!

I do want a career and the satisfaction that brings. Maybe that's a bit selfish??

If your dh earns a lot more than you, what do you do about chores??

But where is it that some relationships go so badly wrong?

How is it that two adults partner each other, enter into parenting together, yet some years down the line end up with these seething resentments at each others roles? Or were these partnerships never equal in the first place?

I am genuinely interested, because these types of thread pop up regularly.

My DH would be appalled at the idea that my role should be to do all the housework, cooking and hands on parenting. But then he would be equally appalled at the idea that he should earn ten x my income, while I potter about with a part time job!

He wanted to be a parent as much as I did, and wants to be a hands on parent. He's just as competent as it as I am. There is nothing innate about being a woman which makes you better at changing nappies, or playing with young children, or dealing with stroppy teenagers. And as far as housework is concerned, there is nothing about being a woman that makes me better at switching on the washing machine.

Similarly, I have equal qualifications and skills as my DH, so why on earth would I hand over responsibility for working outside the home and providing to him?

I am really shocked by the number of unequal situations that seem to be around - but you need to ask, how did this situation arise? At what point did one partner start to feel like they were getting the raw deal, and the other was having it better? And why didn't the couple sit down at this point and talk about how to redress the balance? Or do some people not look for an equal partner from the start? I am genuinely quite shocked at some of the stuff I read

TheSecondComing - she feels totally worthless, her husband says she doesn't contribute to the relationship despite being the mother of their child and cutting back hours to be there for him and do the post-school parenting.. he's the big cheese because he earns shitloads and she should be serving him... and people here come on here with advice about how she can get more chores done and keep him happier!!!!!!!!! FFS it's like the 1950s on this thread!!!! OP doesn't have to post on the feminism thread but she has a right to know it exists and that people who do NOT think that the OP deserves to be treated like a servant or subordinate with time-management issues.

ruthie, I am that you haven't had a lie-in for four years. But I'm sorry, you are partly responsible for allowing that to happen. There is NO WAY that I would have continued getting up for the kids 7 days a week for four years whilst my DH lay in bed "because he works." You should have sorted him out from square one.

No one has suggested she 'keeps him happier' - now that would be a 1950s idea!
People have just suggested that with one school age child, a cleaner, and only working part time, its not outside the realms of possibility to get household chores done during the week! That's all.

Her DH saying she contributes nothing to the relationship is an entirely different issue, and shows an enormous lack of respect.

Which leads me back to my post above: at what point do people end up on this slippery slope of resentment, lack of respect and unhappiness? People are not (usually) forced into marriages they don't want. What attracts a person to someone who doesn't respect them? Or does the relationship start off on an equal footing and then go downhill? And if so, why not stop that downhill slide a bit earlier? Or are some people quite comfortable with having unequal roles, sometimes for years and years, and then suddenly start to feel resentful?

The problem with some men is that they still expect women to do the lios's share of the housework even if the woman works longer hours and earns more money.

DH earns more than me, and always has done. I now work full time, having previously worked part time and before that was a SAHM. DH does more now that I work full time. He cooks most weekends and sorted out christmas by doing all the planning and shopping and cooking. We tend to do the things that we are better at. I do the ironing and DH does the heavy work like gardening, putting the rubbish out and fixing things.
I don't wait on him, though. We have been married 23 years and are partners in every sense of the word.
OP, your DH sees no value in what you do. He is living in the 1950s, and he will continue to do so until you tell him exactly how you feel.

lions

Not everyone sees money as a barometer of self worth.
My dh probably earns about 10x what I do not because he's a wonderfully driven hard working career centred person, but because he has not had any time off when the dcs were born. His earning potential has improved and mine has stayed at not much more than entry level.
It was a trade off for us as a family; I did not go back to my full time job, but work only when dh isn't or the dcs are at school. This means I'm there for them at home time and we don't have to spend any money on childcare.
Every so often we check with each other that this arrangement still works; I wouldn't want him to feel burdened financially. It works for him though too, he rarely has to worry about the dcs holidays or having time off for illness. I like my job too and it's the kind of work that I really couldn't do full time with dcs.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is just because a couples employment looks unequal it does not mean their partnership is unequal.
Oh yes, of course op's dh is being a git he doesn't get to do nothing around the house just 'cause he earns more.

forehead - so what makes a woman who is the main breadwinner choose someone with those expectations and values??

I'd have a big problem with this one too "He has questioned what value I bring to the relationship compared to him. I don't understand what more I can do - I earn less I can't change that."

Does he work in finance or something where he has learnt to give everything a monetary value??

There's resentment here - and it needs to be spoken - what is really making him like this? Has he really thought through what it means to have his wife waiting on him hand and foot at the weekend?

I'm wondering what your sex life is like? Do you feel like your libidos are matched at the moment?

I'd really suggest a very good, experienced relationship therapist for you both to help you have the discussion about why resents you at the moment.

DH earns well over 10 times what I earn and has a full on working week whilst trying to keep on top of a business we have abroad at the same time.

He does absolutely nothing in the house - his limit is putting stuff in the dishwasher but he would never empty it or even switch it on! BUT he pays for a housekeeper to pick up the slack and I treat this as "him doing his share".

I am on ML now and may not return following DC2 as it's hard enought with 1 but up until now I had been working 12-18 hours a week and like you I resented it a bit when DH didn't pull his weight at the weekends / days off...

OP if you have the spare money I would suggest he pay for a cleaner just for a few hours a week while you are at work to do boring things like hoovering / mopping etc which take up a lot of time.

Polka you havent read all the threads ... the OP does pay for a cleaner ........ its the weekends she thinks DH should share the chores more.

Sorry AnotherMumOnHere I missed that

Blimey. Dp works part-time and I probably earn around 10 x what she does, just because I work full-time and am lucky I'm in a good job. Inevitably a lot of the week day cooking falls to her as sometimes I'm in London, but I try to cook once during the week and then at the weekend.

Dp also sorts out all the washing, but that's because she likes to and is a self-confessed control freak

Everything else we split 50:50 - all housework, anything to do with the boys - everything. Why on earth would me happening to earn more money mean I do less in the house

I am a full time SAHM to four, two under school age. Whilst I'm in the home I clean, cook and general housework and look after the dcs...as well as lots of fetching and picking up. Two weeks out of three DH is home by 6pm and when in the house he does as much as me. Weekends are for both of us to have as much R&R as possible and so all chores are in the morning....all dcs do a little too. My job is as hard as my DH's but I don't leave it all behind at the end of the day. I wouldn't expect a full time worked to come home to a complete mess, but I wouldn't expect to wash up if I cooked either!

Mychat, i'd be getting the hell outta leave and leaving behind a list of cleaners

If you are generally ok with the situation during the week can you think of what you can change to lighten the load during the weekends?
For example, what day does your cleaner come? Can they come on a Friday (either as their main day or as an extra depending on funds) so that the house is clean for the weekend? This would only leave basic tidying, cooking, load/unloading dishwasher and possibly a little bit of laundry to do over the weekend leaving you maximum time to relax.
I do very little over the weekend, preferring to leave things until Monday so we can have as much "family time" as possible. We often get a restaurant takeaway on a Friday night so I don't have to cook or do M&S dine in meal.
I agree it's not really a question of how much DH earns, more that he is working full time and you are not. I think you need to talk to him as you have said about his attitude towards money and explain that your contribution to your relationship cannot and should not be counted in monetary terms.

I'm with Violethill. She speaks sense. I did, however, think the OP's dh's comment of her 'contributing nothing', was highly offensive.

It puzzles me why some posters are extrapolating from chores like loading dishwasher, washing machine being easy, that OP should be the one to do them. It seems to me that when you hit the weekend, stuff should be shared, unless one partner is knackered or ill. Equally with lie ins. Yes you can manage things so there isn't much to do at weekends, but then what there is left, of course you share. For us, I do more of the chore type things and Dh does correspondingly more childcare at weekends.

Weird the big pay rise and then starting to question op's 'value' in the relationship. I'd be terribly upset by that.

"Weird the big pay rise and then starting to question op's 'value' in the relationship."

Yes, the OP clearly feels there's a link between these two things, which is why I raised the issue earlier of whether he's under a lot of extra pressure in some way. (And extra pressure isn't necessarily visible in terms of hours).

One thing is for certain - employers aren't giving huge pay rises lightly these days. That's why it would be a good idea for the OP to sit down and discuss with her DH what the issues really are. Is he starting to feel that the balance has tipped too far in terms of him being the provider? You don't know until you talk.

FWIW, I received my annual appraisal and was awarded a pay increase the other week, and the targets I had to meet to get that were rigorous and challenging. But you wouldn't know from looking from the outside - I mean, I normally work fairly long hours, so there wasn't any change in my working pattern, it was a different kind of pressure, but still a pressure, nonetheless. In terms of our work/home responsibilities, it makes no difference, because DH and I work at a similar level, similar hours, and share things evenly. But tbh, if my DH was working part time, in a much lower pressure job, then frankly, I would expect him to do proportionately more in the home.

I think getting hung up on the details of housework is not the real issue. I still think there seems to be quite a bit of resentment between the OP and her DH, and it will only fester and get worse if they don't talk.

I agree that the main issue is not so much the split of chores, it's the dh's opinion that her contribution is worthless.

And, FTR, if her ds is at school 9-3.30, that is still 32.5 hours, not that far off the 40 her dh works.

Even if she isn't working that entire time, I assume part of her responsibility is to take ds to school and pick him up, which is still contributing to the household and is part of what is necessary to run the family.

Lack of respect is the key issue here.

No lie ins for 4 years ?
Sounds terribel. Dh and I allow eachother lie ins, from time-to-time.
Infact he's asleep now, all gammoned and trifled out, whilst the kids are watching shrek.
I too have eaten so much of dh's fab trifle, that I am almost unable/can't be bothered to get up and go tot he toilet.
Tis called domestic bliss

He has questioned what value I bring to the relationship compared to him

what a fucking offensive statement

who the hell does he think he is ?

OP, we have a similar household set-up to you. During the week, I do most of the household chores and kid-stuff because I am around the home more (nothing to do with "value" or money earned)

at weekends and holidays (and the days where we both work outside of the home for a full day), we share it all

if my DH ever questioned my "value" in the relationship, I would be questioning his "respect" for me, as an equal partner

for your DH, he seems to think "some are more equal than others"

a coincidence, that this new attitude appeared close to a pay rise ?

it sounds like he might just be geting too big for his boots, and I would be stepping on that very firmly indeed (as would my DH if I tried to do the same)