When dh earns a LOT more than you how do you split chores etc.?

[mychatnickname]

I work part time when ds is at school. Dh works full time and now earns a lot more than me (maybe 10 times more).

We are obviously very lucky that he has such a well paid job.

Dh has intimated that I should be doing most of the chores/ household stuff because of this or I should get a full time job (even though we don't need the extra money). I think he feels it's unfair as I don't contribute much (although I'd argue I'm there for ds after school and to attend school events and that counts for a lot)

Recently, although still good with ds, he has reduced the amount of stuff he does round the house down.He has made comments questioning what I contribute as we have only 1 dc and I don't earn that much but enjoy my job. He seems to think I should pull my finger out. I actually work quite hard and don't go for coffees/ shopping adventures when ds is at school.

I sort of see his point but when we first got together and things were a bit more equal I probably wouldn't have signed up to the idea that I'd be little miss housewifey just because he'd end up earning so much more. I have a brain and don't want to be a stepford wife who wafts around the house. I don't spend much money at all so am not that kind of footballer's wife type either!

I do want a career and the satisfaction that brings. Maybe that's a bit selfish??

If your dh earns a lot more than you, what do you do about chores??

And frankly I think Clam has hit the nail on the head with some of this. I feel he does not value the work I do and the parenting I do because I earn less and am annoyed he's sat down and analysed it in this way.

He said I "take take take" which really hurt me (although was in the middle of a heated argument) as I hardly spend anything compared to our income and am very sensible with money. I don't understand what he means. I think I've done a good job of parenting ds too. I work as hard as I can in school hours and as mentioned some evenings.

But I feel he doesn't value any of that because he earns so much more and also he likes the idea of a housewifey running around in a traditional way.

Doesn't matter if you;re a ful-time SAHM either. Doesn't lessen your worth as his wife, who he's supposed to love, not just for the monetary contribution you might make.

You know, I think I'd be suggesting that he sticks his well-paid job up his backside if he can get his head out in time. If it means you can have back the man you married, whose values are in the right place.

My DH works, he still manages to get most things done during the week. Perhaps you and your husband could get up an hour earlier in the morning.

A certain number of chores can be done by mychat over the week, but a remainder still remains to be done over the weekend, such as laundry (if it piles up quickly), tidying toys, dishes, cooking, putting out bins.

I would expect that for the weekend chores, both mychat and her dh should muck in equally, if both are equally available outside of childcare. If her dh expects her to still do all of those, whilst he puts his feet up, then that is taking the piss and treating her like a servant.

Laundry is not really a chore, you put it in a machine and press a button. Most people have a dishwasher - again just pressing a button.

Cooking - one person cooks one day and another the next day if you aere really that bothered.

i understand what the OP is saying totally.

i would NEVER 'wait on' my DH at the weekends no matter how we split our time during the week. he earns more than me right now but we work equal hours so do equal chores. when i'm at home more during the week i will do more during the week. but i will NEVER run around doing more during the weekend while he 'rests' because i will have been 'working' all week too and deserve equal 'rest'.

Tingle, I agree it is easy. It is also as easy for mychat to do it as her dh. Perhaps mychat loading the laundry and her dh loading the dishwasher is a fairer split than mychat still continuing to do everything over the weekend.

oh, and OP - i would advise you to go over the feminist section if you don't just want lectures from other posters on how 'easy' it is too do the lions share of the work and how you should just suck it up.

This is not about the chores. It's about how he seems to have set himself up as the important one in the relationship.

I think it depends on the situation. There are times when I need to rest at the weekend because I have had a long and hard week at work. So DH will run around doing more than me. During the school holidays I do absolutely everything in recognition of what DH does the rest of the year.

Op - thats what I mean about this being a deeper issue. He clearly is not happy with the current arrangement. Perhaps he DOES want a little housewife at home, doing all the chores, and resents the part time job you do. Perhaps he's secretly NOT as happy having all the earning pressure as he tries to make out.

Whatever the reasons are, he has made it clear he is not happy, and he doesn't respect your position, so you need to discuss things urgently.

Tbh it wont make a blind bit of difference whether some people advise you that he should do more, or you should organise your weekdays better. He isn't going to listen to that.
The problem is with your relationship with your dh and the fact hat you both seem to resent the other.

I agree he should not set himself up as the most important one in the relationship.

Sorry to hijack; I know that OP you work part-time. Mr H's argument (one of them) has been that I contribute 'nothing' to the home (wouldn't help with them when they were babies/toddlers even).

YY blueshoes - that is how it feels. He has been sitting around reading etc. while I have been doing the dishes, the cooking etc.

I'm fine with the during the week situation but this holiday is different and I'm not that happy with it.

I think it's time for an open chat with him and I will try not to be confrontational so we can set boundaries for the week and then weekends/ holidays.

I agree with violethill about it being a relationship issue.

However, I fear if mychat's dh is like my father, who is a dyed in the wool male chauvinist. Fine for someone who is happy to slot into that traditional role. But not if mychat instinctively senses an erosion of her identity.

And, he is the top dog at home because he pays for things.

And yes I know that a few chores are easy enough and I haven't been worked off my feet but it's bugging me he is sitting around and not mucking in.

I'm struggling a bit with this one.

In principle I agree with the previous poster that work should be split evenly at weekends

But it doesn't sound as though it's split equally in the week.

The OP has
Childcare responsibilities before/after school
A school-hours job

The OP's DH has
Childcare responsibilities after work (which she admits he shares
A full-time job with effectively sole-provider pressure

So i think the OP's DH has a point because the work midweek doesn't seem evenly split - ie he does more.

My DH earns a lot more than I ever could; I'm f-t mother. His hours are pretty full on. We view it that him paying for a cleaner is him paying to get his share of the chores done, instead of him doing them. I then do the washing and tidying up during he week.

At weekends, although I do the majority of anything that needs doing (such as laundry), we'll both pitch in with tidying up and loading the dishwasher.

We have 4 kids so there is a lot more that needs doing (2 loads of laundry a day, 7 days a week) than in your home.

can hardly believe you asked such a question unless you just wanted to "test the waters". He needs to grow up. Get quotes for house cleaners, childminders, taxi firms etc etc and then see who earns what. How much does he charge for hugs and kisses by the way?

Have you asked your DH to cook at the weekend?

My DH rarely cooks at the weekend, not because he is lazy but because he knows I enjoy to cook. We have fallen into that pattern and therefore if I do not want to cook at the weekend I have to ask DH if he minds cooking.

When one partner says the other contribute 'nothing' to the home, that's a massive lack of respect- and I suspect is always a symptom of a massive problem in the relationship.

The practicalities of the partner who is physically AT HOME more doing more housework is purely that- a practicality. They are two separate issues.

I would have felt ridiculous expecting my dh to do equal shares of the childcare and housework while I was on Maternity leave. I was physically at home; he wasn't. Even while caring for a newborn and two small children, it was easier to stick a load of laundry on and press a button, or run the hoover round, than it would be to do it from the workplace 20 miles away! Lets not get hung up about it- housework isn't rocket science, it doesn't need to take huge brain power or huge amounts of time- and on a purely practical level, its easier to do if you are home more than your partner

Mine;s the same,

I work three days and the rest of the time is spent dealing with DS, parents and inlaws.

at weekend he expect lie in cos he works all week.

I haven;t had a lie in in 4 years! DS is 4! Find the link!

Men - huh!

ruthie - is the lesson here, that some men will just make sure they have it arranged at home to have an easy life as possibe (if they can get away with it)?