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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
ninah · 01/11/2005 14:47

thanks you two. Yes I will take advice first. I have a good idea of the current position and I am v impressed with my sol. I don't want to be left tense every month in case he lets me down with mortgage like he has been doing with nursery (though I don't think he realised this was coming across as a threat to be fair, he was stressed about cash as ever)
Still have a hankering for commune though. There was some chat on here about this previously and have my name down as mn commune gardener!

glitterfairy · 02/11/2005 22:58

LOl ninah I could do with a gardener! I have a rock garden as well with some spectacular rocks in it shame I cannot make dh into a little gnome I keep tucked away in there!

NotActuallyAMum · 15/11/2005 09:24

ninah how are you?

Thinking about you, hope you're OK xx

ninah · 15/11/2005 09:40

NAAM that's good of you!
Well things are plodding along here, what with being 8 months preg and in full-time work still with toddler not much time to reflect. Still pretty unhappy with the relationship the way things are. As a matter of fact we had a step mum related run in last night, someone disconnectd the fax element on his computer, the only people who use it are me and dss, I'm adamant is wasn't me but p is furious and is treating me like the 15 year old equivalent. As the habitual peacemaker in these situations it really psses me off to be told to 'sort it out with dss'. In fact he actually accused me of lying about it, I was so angry and upset I cried for hours (preg hormones not helping). Dss has been in spot of bother about school and has been lying about homework etc but he isn't a bad child, if he has disconnected teh bldy fax by mistake he will never admit to it cos of how his dad is. I am so at being treated like a child, esp after all the effort I've made to build a relationship with dss only to have p setting us against each other. A+rse!
Bet you wish you hadn't asked now lol FAMILIES grrrrr!
How're things with you NAAM?

NotActuallyAMum · 15/11/2005 11:24

No I don't wish I hadn't asked, I meant to speak to you last week but didn't get round to it. Sorry to hear things are not good, must be awful for you

{{{{Hugs to you}}}}

Thinking of you, do take care of yourself xx

Things are fine with me thank you, still struggling to settle in the house but nothing new there

ninah · 15/11/2005 11:26

oh thank goodness, you had me worried cos I saw your post about deeds! glad all is well

ninah · 01/12/2005 10:43

need some input please
p agreed to pay a certain sum towards ds nursery fees into my account on a certain date each month. He hasn't kept to this, he has paid but v patchily. Last payment he made was September. I had a go at him for not paying in Oct and he said he could not afford it and put phone down on me. With reluctance (cos we lose the tax incentive) I therefore asked nursery to invoice us half each. This morning he telephoned and told me he was transferring some money into my account and so I said don't bother cos I've asked them to invoice us. He then went absolutely crazy at me called me stupid for costing us an extra 30%, told me not to come home tonight etc. Also said he will no longer pay anything, nursery has no authority to invoice him and he won't pay them.
I wish I'd just kept quiet, taken his goddam cash and paid the invoices myself. I know he has up and down cashflow being self employed but it seems he likes to use the fact I need the financal input from him as leverage.
I am v pregnant and hormonal and of course v upset. I am hanging on to status quo til baby comes then I have to get away but how on earth can I last another month. Does he have the right to refuse to pay nursery?

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2005 10:58

Poor you ninah

{{{{hugs to you}}}}

Don't know about him refusing to pay the nursery - can you just leave it to them to chase him for the money? If they invoice him surely it's not your problem if he doesn't pay them?

Do you really have to wait till the New Year to leave? If that's what you really want to do - and I really don't blame you, I defintely wouldn't stay with him - can you not leave before then, do you have anywhere to go?

ninah · 01/12/2005 11:08

thanks NAAM just needed someone to talk to!
Yes, I guess it's up to the nursery to chase him for fees, which is one of the big pluses for it being between them and him not me and him. If they're not paid, ds will have to leave and I have mat leave coming up soon anyway. So not the end of the world.
He's just going to make himself look a mean moron.
The legal advice I have taken so far is to stay put. I was planning to do some house hunting next week and ask him to look after ds while I do so but usual form is for him to now disappear to pub and not do anything at all at home. I am definitely not staying with him.
Just feel so desperately bleak and scared atm.

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2005 11:28

No wonder you feel down, so very for you

It's all very well for your solicitor to tell you to stay put but don't think he/she realises how miserable things are for you. Did they advise you on how to go about it when you do eventually leave?

I know it must be very scary but you'll be fine - you really will. Just imagine a life with your two wonderful children, not having to put up with being emotionally abused constantly. You will find someone who will treat you properly

{{{{more hugs}}}}

Thinking about you xx

ninah · 01/12/2005 11:42

thanks NAAM
I have given up hoping for him to change at least. That was the most exhausting bit, hoping for a better life WITH him and getting disappointed

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2005 11:49

People don't change ninah - not permanently anyway, they may do temporarily but not long-term

You're definitely doing the right thing, believe me you can and will have a happy life without this bully. Of course it will be hard at first but you will get through it - your children will see you through

Do you have any good friends or family nearby for support?

Squirrel3 · 01/12/2005 12:05

Ninah, I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you again, you really don't need it with the baby due so soon.

As NAAM says let the nursery chase him for the money.

Ninah, you are strong, you may not think it ATM but you are, every mother has strengths that they didn't know they had until they need it. You are coping, you are having a hard time and being all hormonal doesn't help, but you will get through this, your love for your children wil spur you on and get you through.

{{{Hugs}}}

I wish I could be more help, but I am thinking of you.

ninah · 01/12/2005 12:18

thanks you two
I have good friends luckily, family are a bit crp tbh tho I know dad would help out if he has to
Just need to get through the next month somehow, DREADING Xmas

Squirrel3 · 01/12/2005 12:25

Ninah, please don't dread Christmas, you have the baby to look forward to, he/she is due on Christmas day isn't he/she? Thats got to be something to look forward to.

ninah · 01/12/2005 12:30

yes, you're right, well remembered x
Going to be a little girl ...
He's the one losing out here really by being such a bstd

Squirrel3 · 01/12/2005 12:37

Little girls are so sweet, I'm getting excited for you.

Yep, you are right its him that will miss out, I look at my kids and I am so proud of the way they have grown up, and I did it single mum. I know that you will be able to look at your kids when they are grown and feel that pride too.

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2005 12:40

That's very true ninah

Can you perhaps spend a bit of time over the next month with friends to get yourself out of his way? Probably difficult with your ds, and I suppose you have to go back to the house eventually

Stay strong hun, you will get through this - just keep telling yourself you'll have a far better life without him

george32 · 01/12/2005 12:41

Ninah, I'm so sorry that things are going downhill again. I was hoping things would be OK for you both at least until the baby was born. What a bard
What plans have you made for the birth? Have you got someone who will be with you and anyone who can take care of you after? I hate the thought that you might be stuck in the house with him at a time that should be so joyous.

ninah · 01/12/2005 12:51

things WERE a little bit better, that's the annoyance of it. I tell myself if I had waited before asking the nursery to invoice him maybe we couldve got through the Xmas bit, maybe when he saw her he would be happier and things would improve.
He was going to be at birth but god knows now.aa
I need to stop feeling sad and start getting angry I think.
Was thinking of your Xmas name to take my mind off it george but it's a bit of a challenge tbh!

santageorgeiscomingtotown · 01/12/2005 12:59

Can you talk to him and ask him what he wants his involvement to be? I don't see how you can go into this without knowing whether you have his support or not. No matter what happens to your relationship surely he won't just abandon you at over 8 months pregnant without letting you know what part he want to play in his little girls first few weeks. At least then you have a chance at putting a plan in place to help you through this time.

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2005 13:11

ninah you mustn't beat yourself up over this - you had every right to do what you did with the nursery, and by the sounds of things if this hadn't made him go into a strop it was only a matter of time before something else did

Agree with santageorge that you need to start putting a plan together for your daughter's birth - whether or not he's going to be a part of it

Try to keep smiling, we're all thinking about you xx

ninah · 01/12/2005 14:13

thanks for being so sensible on my behalf!
Just had small glass red wine at Lunchtime and absolutely 3 sheets to the wind it has been SOOO long! so keeping my head down.
You're right NAAM, if not this then it would've been something else.
George I'm going to leave him OUT of the equation as far as baby is concerned, can't cope with any more letdowns.
2006 WILL be my year for coming on MN and NOT MOANING promise xx

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2005 14:41

You moan all you like - that's what we're here for

2006 will be your year tho - the year you find your independence, take control of your life and be happy

ninah · 01/12/2005 14:46

I believe it will! thanks for the friendship and support you've shown over the nasty bit!

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