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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 20/10/2005 16:23

HI Ninah what a complete t**r really how pathetic. He even makes my dh look better!

How are you? How did relate go? You must get legal help to sort out what is happening and what you are entitled to. As soon as you have those answers his threats will seem much less real.

Big hug

ninah · 20/10/2005 16:40

thanks you two feel a bit better now! when someone you have loved is this horrible you question why and it really dents your self esteem. and it hurts like buggery. well, not quite like that ykwim.
Relate is next Wednes. will keep you posted! you're SO right Pap don't want to be in cons with baby screaming sorting this out soonest. Will also be reassuring to know position in detail and have some proper backing.
I really loved him and at some level I know he loves me, he just can't do family life. Such a sad sad waste when there is so much we should be celebrating.

ninah · 20/10/2005 16:42

oh yes lol at makes your dh look better gf!
glad to be of service! you ARE still persuing divorce, tho?

george32 · 20/10/2005 16:58

Did you ring him at work in the end Ninah?
He isn't having job troubles is he? If he wasn't getting on well at work it would explain his obsession with finances.

glitterfairy · 20/10/2005 20:10

Not divorce yet but a solicitors letter asking him to repect my privacy and leave me alone. My solicitor feels that I am too fragile for the whole divorce thing and need some space.

I totally understand your point though about self belief and esteem. To think I have been controlled and manipulated for 16 years is very hard. It makes much of what I have done as a wife and mother a travesty.

ninah · 21/10/2005 09:07

oh gf I wouldn't say it makes it a travesty at all. It has been a strain on you, a strain which you didn't realise until it lifted but I am sure you have been a marvellous partner and wife despite the uphill struggle and I know your children will see you as a rock. Well good luck, nothing like headed paper from the sols to indicate you mean business. I called a friend last night and she's calling back today with details of a good local practice.
No george sods law it was so busy here didn't have time to call anyway! He's self employed so work is always a stress factor, not more so now than ever. He's keen to retire early so having a young family wasn't the best move I guess. I even offered to retrain so I could take on some more of the burden later on but when he realised the courses cost money and he'd need to help he quickly changed his mind. He's always been obsessed with money, his father lost everything when he was a young adult and he had to give up his plans and go to work (as an accountant ). Money and status mean a lot to him, another area where we are incompatible cos intelligence, creativity and vitality are more important to me.

glitterfairy · 21/10/2005 11:19

Sounds like you are more clued up now ninah. Good for you!

ninah · 21/10/2005 12:47

totally
Relate AND solicitor next Wednesday let's hope this wraps it up or at least begins to
Let's plan to meet on the frivolous threads by next year - style or something!

Papillon · 21/10/2005 19:55

Glad you are feeling empowered today Ninah - store that feeling and keep it for rainy days.

Good luck for Wednesday x

glitterfairy · 21/10/2005 23:26

DH got me in a car alone for an hour today not a good idea and I got a telling off from friends for saying yes. He then harangued me about taking back what I have said about his abuse and he has found out about the solicitor through tickets he found in my car for parking!

He also said he cant wait for the kids to be involved in his new life with new woman. Since my eldest has made him a birthday card showing him running off with a woman and saying "Dad its not going to happen even on your birthday" I am not so sure they will take to new stepmum like ducks to water.

In the end he will make his mistakes with them and then have to live with their feelings for him for the rest of his life. I cant do much about it.

He is such a plonker it is worrying how I ever saw anything in him.

glitterfairy · 21/10/2005 23:27

Ninah may go on frivolous threads right now! LOL

ninah · 24/10/2005 09:12

gf are you OK? so he's been searching through yr car now? my friend warned me not to tell dp about sols as it will be a huge wind up to find I'm growing a spine. This is where your h's comments about the new bird are coming from, anger and frustration that you are getting on with life and no longer under his control, he's just trying to hurt you. V immature. Ignore, your children sound quite capable of making up their own minds and you'll always be mum

ninah · 24/10/2005 09:13

gf are you OK? so he's been searching through yr car now? my friend warned me not to tell dp about sols as it will be a huge wind up to find I'm growing a spine. This is where your h's comments about the new bird are coming from, anger and frustration that you are getting on with life and no longer under his control, he's just trying to hurt you. V immature. Ignore, your children sound quite capable of making up their own minds and you'll always be mum

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 09:49

Ninah, I've only just seen this thread, I haven't read all of it but I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, I didn't realise things had got so bad between you and your P.

I'm thinking of you {hugs}

ninah · 24/10/2005 10:10

Oh hello Squirrel, and thanks. No it's like some ghastly soap opera. I'm in a good frame of mind for dealing with it now however and getting advice on Wednesday which I hope will help. Thanks for the good wishes!
As you'll guess from the S-parenting threads one thing I'll definitely wish to do is keep in touch with my dss.

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 10:20

Thats really good Ninah, will your P and dss's BM let you stay in touch with him? I hope so, it would be a real shame for you and your dss if you can't keep some contact with him.

I admire the way you are coping, I hope you get some good advice on Wednesday, I really feel for you, you don't need this when the baby is so close.

I don't know what else to say apart from I'm thinking of you and BTW you are still a stepmum no matter what, so all of us stepmums would still value and love to have your input on the step-parenting section.

{{{hugs}}}

ninah · 24/10/2005 10:26

BM has always been quite good about fostering the relationship between the two brothers (ds and dss) so I can't imagine it will be a problem. If p decides to be obstructive it will mean we don't see too much of dss in the flesh as it were but I will write to him, as I did when he and bm went to South Africa for a year. And he has a mobile. He is 15 hence old enough to make his mind up, ds loves him dearly and is proud of his 'big brother' so as long as dss knows where we are and that we love him that's what is important. And I'll make sure he does.
Thanks, in that case I'll keep popping in to sparents threads!

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 10:31

That is so lovely, I'm pleased that continuing the relationship with dss will not be a problem, its important for both boys to keep contact.

ninah · 24/10/2005 10:33

yes, despite the age gap they really love each other.
Dunno about the new baby, guess the bond may not develop with dss as much esp if a girl but I will send pics and so on

glitterfairy · 24/10/2005 10:39

Hiya Ninah how are you? Did you have a good weekend? I am ok and beety is staying with me which is lovely.

Speak soon. Couldnt email as it got bounced by the way.

george32 · 24/10/2005 10:44

Ninah, I think that is lovely about you staying in contact with your DSS.
When I've been through rocky times with DP, I've often wondered what would happen with my relationship with my 2 DSS's. I'd hate not to be in touch with them.
It's a weird relationship isn't it. It takes so long to establish on a really solid footing and then it can just be taken away if you split up. So pleased that you will be able to continue it.

glitterfairy · 24/10/2005 10:53

Interesting to see it from the other angle here as I am terrified for my kids of a relationship they develop which is taken away at the drop of a hat.

I am also nervous about when they should be introduced to new person and how. My DH has been seeing this woman for three months and moved in then moved out (he says) now comes and goes. I feel that he needs to leave introducing them until that relationship is more stable and he knows to some extent where it is going.

Ninah I would love for my kids to have a wonderful and caring relationship like you describe because it would help them with their relationship with their dad and also to be more happy and contented.

ggglimpopo · 24/10/2005 10:54

Message withdrawn

ninah · 24/10/2005 11:15

yes, it's an odd one, you are neither mum, friend, aunt, sister or anyone thing but a combination of all these. we've never had the kind of family dynamic I'd consider ideal partly cos p has a distant relationship, non communicative with his own family which he has tried NOT to pass down to dss but contact has been sporadic, and he does find intimacy and affection hard ... also bm makes erratic plans which don't make stability easy to provide ... still although we're not Boden catalogue stuff we did have something ...

ninah · 24/10/2005 11:59

hello gf. I wouldn't worry overly about the effect on your children of dh's future relationships. To be honest this is something you can't control. Dss got to know a series of his father's gfs and took all the changes in his stride. In fact we were talking once about a party he had and I was reminiscing and he said, goodness were you there then? and we had a laugh about my stamina! It just means that the relationships he developed with them were friendly but not intimate, rather than the solid bond we probably aspire to for our children. Equally I worry about this for ds, but at the level of contact they may have it will be bowls on a Saturday and if dad has a different 'friend' for that every lunar calendar it won't impinge on him unduly cos his love is for his dad and for me.
The only time dss was a bit upset was by my predecessor who had a son his age he was expected to bond with but couldn't stand and she used to complain to p about 'Your Son' - dss really didn't like her and bm stopped contact for a while. He's not deeply scarred by it, though!
There are no guarantees about where your h's relationship is going and he can't give you any. Doesn't sound particularly stable - he's just come out of long relationship and family situation with you. I'd keep contact with his partner casual and light for your children and do things at a pace that suits you.
gglp your keyboard is working! is sausage roll some kind of code lol