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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 24/10/2005 13:27

THanks ninah great advice although he is currently now living at home again! Wednesday will be a shock to him I think. I cant put up with this situation though and frankly did a birthday party for him on Saturday and he had been with girlfriend all day then waltzed in and did the father/husband act!

At the least I want a really good break from the emotional rollercoaster and the hurt. I also want him to sort out his bullying and bad attitude but not sure he will.

ggg feel free to hijack. Beety is off seeing great aunt and will try to remember to say later. She is getting fanatical about hob nobs and tetleys LOL

Beetroot · 24/10/2005 18:35

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ggglimpopo · 24/10/2005 18:55

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glitterfairy · 24/10/2005 21:07

Wednesday is the day for me and ninah we will be sending positive thoughts. She is lawyer relating and I am going to relate to face up to him and sort out a proper separation.

ninah · 25/10/2005 09:47

yes, tomorrow's our big day! good luck gf. Like you, things have been a bit more amicable here - at least on the surface - and p has been around more - we need to be ready for the fallout when it comes. Things might be superficially more pleasant at the moment but it's certainly not enough for me, and I imagine the same for you. Keep going!
sausage rolls, tetleys, hob nobs - definitely a code.

NotActuallyAMum · 25/10/2005 15:09

NINAH!!!!

Only just seen this thread - how on earth did I miss it??

So very sorry you're going through all this. Is there absolutely no way your DP will go for counselling with you? I imagine not, you must have already tried to go down that road...

{{{{{{{ big hugs to you }}}}}}}

Really, really hope you're feeling better soon, try to be strong for you, your child and bump

glitterfairy · 26/10/2005 10:19

Ninah I am thinking of you today. Hope all goes well. I am in a state of panic! Will let you all know how it goes later.

Squirrel3 · 26/10/2005 13:28

Thinking of you today Ninah, I hope that you get good advice.

george32 · 26/10/2005 17:03

Hope you are doing OK today Ninah and it is a step forward for you.
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

glitterfairy · 26/10/2005 18:28

Ninah hun how are you? Hope no news is good news. Am off to relate now myself. Scared s*less!

glitterfairy · 26/10/2005 18:28

Ninah hun how are you? Hope no news is good news. Am off to relate now myself. Scared s*less!

ninah · 27/10/2005 13:11

hello gf how did it go? Relate is absolutely knackering! felt like having a sleep afterward, but then off to lawyer! wiped out.n You?
Not sure how helpful relationship counselling is with just one person tbh. A bit like one hand clapping. I've agreed to go for more but when I expressed reservations told I'm hard to help, maybe p doesn't realise how much I need support because I just battle on blah blah. Well what the f am I meant to do with a 3 year old and one on the way. Going all weedy and needy is guaranteed to bring out the bully in him. So all in all a bit upsetting, I'm willing to keep trying but feels a bit maudlin picking over this dying relationship.
Lawyer good but pricey!
I think part of me was hoping yesterday would provide me with The Solution of course life's not like that. However I guess I'm prepared for the next phase. Didn't help to be reminded by both of them that baby is just round the corner ... PANICKING!

Squirrel3 · 27/10/2005 13:21

Ninah, no matter what happens you will cope, if you have to bring your babies up alone you will do just that.

I know how scary it is being pregnant and having a three year old, I was in exactly that situation when I was only 19 yrs old, (yes, I know) if I can do it you most certainly can. Its hard I'm not going to tell you that its all sunshine and roses, but you can do it. Its better than bringing two children up within an unhappy/abusive relationship.

Thinking of you.

You will be ok, I promise.

Squirrel3 · 27/10/2005 13:28

And dispite the problems I am having ATM there have been loads of very happy, rewarding times.

Look forward to holding your baby and seeing its face, look forward to the special times that you, ds and the baby will have together as a family.

It may be a different family to the one you had planned but you are still a family.

ninah · 27/10/2005 13:37

Gosh squirrel I didn't know that! at 19, WOW. you're amazing!
Thought things were better now ds has a little time with his Dad but not so sure, he doesn't seem all that happy.
Maybe clean break is for the best. All this agonising and analysing isn't helping. Walking away may let p off the hook but so what.
Sorry things are still off colour with your dd (checked on you earlier, but couldn't think what to say in the least). Wish she could see how lucky she is.

Squirrel3 · 27/10/2005 13:46

Not amazing Ninah, was just a bit daft when I was younger, wanted something to love, ex dp was a violent drug user and I grew up at 19 when I was expecting DS and decided that I didn't want ot bring another life into the hell that was our lives at the time so I got out as fast as I could.

It is going to take time for you and your ds to adjust to the new situation. I know its easy for me to say but be patient, I'm sure that things will work out for you.

ninah · 27/10/2005 13:58

gosh at 19 I was retarded by comparison, still figuring out how to use the launderette and which nasty cocktail to try next
you'd think at 38 I'd be better sussed!

glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 18:42

Hiya ninah. Glad you are feeling abit more postivie about your decisions! Squirrel is right it will be ok in the end so long as we stay strong for our kids they will also be fine.Relate alone is weird it is where I am now and yes picking over the peices but it is helping me. Although our counsellor did know dh.

Have close friend that I see in essex and also sister in cambridge so may come and see you one day! We must think of some silly threads to start soon. How is the pregnancy going? You sound amazing doing all that in one day.

ninah · 28/10/2005 09:21

you'd be very welcome gf!
Yes, was a TIRING day! am now huge and rushing around wasn't ideal.
Are you fed up with everyone going on about Christmas shopping etc? it's so hard to concentrate on with all this going on at home. I think I'm cancelling Christmas this year for eveyone except ds.
True to form p is now witholding his contribution to ds nursery fees and ignoring emails. It's become a question of who cracks first.

glitterfairy · 28/10/2005 19:58

God what a b***d how can he be so cruel to his kid? Also to you at this time in your life, sweet jesus! You really need to take legal action against him now and make him pay his proper share.

How are you today? Did you manage to have any rest at all? Perhaps you should come and live here and we can set up a commune! I have six bedrooms at present! LOL Move up north and my kids will help look after the baby. To be honest if you want a break feel free to come up.

glitterfairy · 31/10/2005 21:34

Ninah i am worried how are you? You have not been on for days!

ninah · 01/11/2005 10:01

hi gf, I'm OK, don't worry! I don't mn at weekends cos I can't link up on my laptop, something to do with our phoneline when we had Broadband, and he won't let me on his puter anymore cos his fax got disconnected, now I am dss are banned. Yesterday was manic at work cos I suddenly realised I could actually have this baby any min and haven't done anything to speak of to prepare.
He has now paid the nursery fees and things are civil at home. On Saturday we agreed I would put my house on the market in the New Year. His proposal is that he remortgage, keeping his present house and letting it, and we get a family home jointly.
I am not entirely sure how I feel about this. While it is all I ever wanted in the past, I am not happy with our relationship the way it is. However it does take the pressure off decision making until the baby comes along. Whatever happens, I will sell my house and start again. No idea where all this is going, but at least I can concentrate on me and the baby for the time being.
Bless you for the commune idea. You know in many ways this appeals to me a lot!
How are things going with you, I am checking the other threads and hope to have some news. xx

glitterfairy · 01/11/2005 12:00

Hiya Ninah thank goodness it seems a little more settled for you and he is being a bit more sensible. Strange how they come round when told its that or buzz off!

Will keep the commune in mind for any further trouble or perhpas we could jsut start a virtual one! One of our light hearted threads!

Papillon · 01/11/2005 12:17

Hi Ninah, I am glad to hear from you also

I recommend you speak with your solicitor about the house selling, his remortgaging proposition. Just because from what you have spoken, he is quite financially focussed and I would hate for you not to be an equal party. Especially if your relationship is not very stable at present.

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