Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
blackcoffee · 29/09/2005 09:02

p is not a very hands on dad but yes, he loves ds, and ds loves him dearly.

OP posts:
Dior · 29/09/2005 23:46

Message withdrawn

blackcoffee · 30/09/2005 08:50

it's not good when he won't have anything to do with him! Your heart is breaking ... you know how I feel then.
I feel a lot stronger in myself and more able to deal with it and am coming to the conclusion that no father at all is better than a bad one.

OP posts:
Dior · 30/09/2005 19:02

Message withdrawn

doormat · 30/09/2005 20:03

bc I am going to apologise first as I am going to be straight here and I would never mean to upset you, I mean that profusely
but
IMO there is an unwritten law and that is never to take an argument out on the children.
Fair enough we can argue, fight ignore our partners, husbands, wives, lovers etc but no child needs to be a part of it.
I am not saying he is a bad dad etc but I think he is treating your ds unfairly by ignoring him.It seems to me it is probably more through your dh's stubborness. I dont know how old your ds is but surely he must be feeling the effects of his ignorance.
I think your dh needs an ultimatum thrown at him that this treatment of your ds cannot carry on.
Maybe then it might give him the kick up the backside to get and try to sort things out.
You seem such a lovely person and a fantastic mum and dont deserve to be treated like this.

Crazymama · 30/09/2005 21:01

How long you been together? What was relationship like before children (you say you think he is strugling with the family life thing)

Crazymama · 30/09/2005 21:02

...and (((((Hugs)))))). Cant be easy.

ninah · 03/10/2005 10:17

I can't be doing with changing my name for this, least of my worries atm! thanks so much doormat for your lovely comments about being a good mum you tend to doubt this when you see your child hurting and think you could stop it (ie by condoning behaviour for the sake of at least superficial peace).
Ds and I had a lovely weekend on the whole and I even had time to explain to dss who we see at weekends that while dad and I do not always see eye to eye I still love dss v much. Took ds to seaside and we went on tourist train and waved at loads of people, was great! He spent some more time with dad around on Sunday but this was actually v unsettling and there was a major tantrum when we got back with him wanting daddy not me etc. He did have chat with dad which made him happy and some lovely time with his big brother whom he adores.
However, when p got in from the pub last night things went v weird, he was doing his washing and stuff then he burst into the bedroom turned the light on (midnight) and started throwing stuff around looking for milk? (we had run out) he turned over the double bed and pushed it at me and was v scary, I was afraid he would hurt me or baby so I called police from a mob he does not know I have (he had taken the phone away so I could not use it). They were great, he acted really calm and tried to imply I was a loony partner, he said we had been through a bad patch and not talked for 3 weeks. But they could see the state the room was in and I was in and asked him to leave til 9am next morning. I told them the reason we had not talked was he called me a c in front of ds and they were quite shocked. they said I did the right thing to call them. As it happens he rang the doorbell at 8.05 saying he had to get in to work but really he was trying to get there before the cleaner arrived to pretend it is all normal. Feel like I am in a bad dream but do need to protect my son from this kind of upbringing however much he loves his dad and however much it will cost to break up the family.
CM we have been together 4 years, not together long before ds came along and if he had not I doubt I would be there tbh.

MummyJules · 03/10/2005 10:31

Oh my goodness Ninah - You poor thing. I do have experience of being in those kind of situations and I really feel for you - They are truly terrifying.
I hope you can get things sorted out hunny but please don't risk you safety by staying. Is there anyone you can go and stay with until things calm down? Perhaps a break would be the realisation your DP needs.

ninah · 03/10/2005 10:33

I have enough stuff in my car boot and I think I will impose on a friend as I could not sleep a wink last night in case he came back.
I am more scared as I have the baby.

ninah · 03/10/2005 10:34

you OK now, MJ?

ggglimpopo · 03/10/2005 10:36

Message withdrawn

tribpot · 03/10/2005 10:41

ninah, what an awful situation. I dread to think what might have happened if you hadn't have had another mobile. When you say he took your phone, do you mean he took the handset from the bedroom or has he actually confiscated your mobile or something equally bizarre? Either way, the idea that he deliberately set out to (at the very least) physically threaten you when he thought you would be unable to summon help is chilling. And at 28 weeks pregnant absolutely appalling.

Please go and stay with a friend, please pursue this with the police (surely there are grounds for a restraining order?). Wishing you all the best.

ninah · 03/10/2005 10:48

no just CAB
I think I know where I stand

MummyJules · 03/10/2005 10:49

Things are okay at the moment Ninah - Thanks for asking!
It happens very rarely and he is seeking help. Is there a chance that your DP might be an alcoholic? (My DP is)
If you would like to talk to someone who understands then please don't hesitate to contact me at [email protected]

Hope you are okay,

Please keep us updated as we are all concerned.

Jules x

MummyJules · 03/10/2005 10:50

Sorry the e-mail address has come up wrong - Probably best for you to CAT me!

ninah · 03/10/2005 10:50

um he said go on then call the police and stormed upstairs, when I looked in the kitchen he had taken handsfree off and is nowhere to be seen. Really freaked me out and I kept thinking any minute he could come and start again

ninah · 03/10/2005 10:54

MJ I will. busy here at work so may be a while!
I think he may have alcohol issues, which he stringently denies. He tried to convince me I had a prob in the past and I cut right down as I was horrified at the thought but it IS him coming back from the pub every night. He has heavy drinking friends. He says he is never violent when drunk he just goes to sleep .... I wish.

sweetheart · 03/10/2005 10:54

Go ninah - this is awful!!!

Are you at work today? Have e-mailed you!

ninah · 03/10/2005 11:05

yes I just replied busy here today so on and off thanks ...
I am embarrased my life is such an unrelieved disaster atm. I'm honestly just a normal person ...

ggglimpopo · 03/10/2005 11:07

Message withdrawn

george32 · 03/10/2005 11:09

Ninah, how awful. I'm so sorry, I had no idea that things at home had got this bad for you.

From reading through, it would seem that you certainly need to get some space between you and your P. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. To shove a bed at you when you are 28 weeks pregnant?
It doesn't matter why he is behaving like this, find that out later. Just please go & stay at your friends. I would hate for him, deliberately or not, to do anything to hurt you your DS or your new little one.

dramaqueen72 · 03/10/2005 11:32

ninah adding my support to you. I'm sorry its so awful at home for you, like you dont have enough to deal with. youre quite right time to stay with a friend and get away from this guy. I'm dreadfully sorry its happened at all, but esp right now when us third trimester ladies are going thro every emotion anyhow.
of course, youre a normal person and youre life isnt a diaster -your P is the diaster not you! nobody thinks any less of you for coming out and asking for advice. more infact.
we love you on the dec thread,dont forget that.

ninah · 03/10/2005 11:40

thanks december ladies! love you too
Hope you had a better weekend dq, haven't been on thread today - really busy here and in a weird hallucingenic state due to lack of sleep
It's all beginning to seem like a bad dream

dramaqueen72 · 03/10/2005 11:42

cant believe youre going thro the normal motions and are at work! youre a star ninah.
yes know the bad dream can i wake up now please feeling very well, I'm really sorry, hang in there okay?