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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 18/10/2005 20:13

ninah my email got bounced!

Beetroot · 18/10/2005 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

glitterfairy · 19/10/2005 02:38

PMSL yes I do beets and that comment was really tongue in cheek! You have been a best mate and listened ceaselessly to my rantings!

ninah · 19/10/2005 10:55

oooh, what happened there? There was a msn window on here for seconds last night before I logged out, then it went. Maybe the office police are on to me!
Well I could talk over a glass of wine and a few nibbles but 10.30am in an office ... nah. Maybe he'll wind me up SOO Much by then it'll unleash something. But the person I really need to talk to is him! have not even had a chance to tell him about appt yet.

ninah · 20/10/2005 09:28

called him last night to tell him about relate and he is not coming, no surprises there. However he was really unpleasant on the phone accused me of never suppporting him, the kitchen being greasy (ONCE! I made ds birthday cake and didn't clean up immediately as had party for 30 children) not contributing financially (I work full time pay half ds nursery fees and buy all clothes groceries etc) he earns £80K plus and spends most of it on himself - OK he pays mortgage and bills but his house, v much so - He says nothing to talk about problem solved when I move out. I said what about supporting his son and he told me go on dole and try and get cash from him out of CSA. I rang back but he wouldn't talk then turned mob off. He was in bar. I am so Fing furious I can hardly stand it and I am planning to phone him at the office today and have another go I am SO mad help please

dramaqueen72 · 20/10/2005 09:37

ninah what a total....berk (to say the least) your p is being. whata bad daddy and crap crap partner. YOU go to relate, and you get all the help you can. its so very much his loss!!! men always use the 'house is dirty/you never support me' line, honest to god, its only one up from 'its not you its me' crap. it means they dont actually have a great reason, and he knows relate will laugh at him for such cliches...
I'm angry on your behalf.
that was NO help, but wanted to tell you anyhow.

ninah · 20/10/2005 09:39

We are supposed to go out on Sat night with friends. I just can't think straight. What on earth can I do with someone who won't communicate and turns phone off? Why the hell is are his children my sole responsibility? so bloody angry and upset

dramaqueen72 · 20/10/2005 09:45

well how immature is he being? i wouldnt make any plans with him ninah, hes bound to let you down or show you up, and make the evening crap. make sure you keep some sort of record of everytime you contact him etc and what you ask......so that when he does the 'you never said/you never told me' line you can scare the pants off him with facts and times.
Do you have somewhere to go? so you can move out. hes just being such an arse. obviously trying to get hold of him today is going to be useless. and you must be calm and cold on the phone when you do. dont let him know hes riled you, because sounds like he might enjoy knowing that.
maybe you should post his phone number here and all mumsnetters can tell him just what a tosser hes being

ninah · 20/10/2005 09:45

oh hello dq, thanks! It just seems so bloody unfair he behaves like this. Yes, I will go to relate anyway and get teh help I need cos I am very much at the end of my tether. I wasn't expecting a lot from him but to be told to f off and go on the dole is a bloody cheek. He certainly isn't suffering finanical hardship, he drives a £37K car (becuase he trvales a lot, tho he stays in hotels so I can't see how that adds up) spends loads in teh pub and on himself I don't konw any of our friends with children whose partners contribute as much finacially as I do I do my very very best with not much support. SInce his mob was still switched off this morning I left a message call me or I will call you later at teh office now I can't think of anythign coherent to say I am so so upset.

ninah · 20/10/2005 09:50

sorry xposted. I dont have anywhere immediately but my house is about to go on the market so I can find somewhere to accomodate me ds and new baby. Don't see why it is all down to me!
Sat will be with friends so OK. We'll just ignore each other I spose.
.

dramaqueen72 · 20/10/2005 09:54

((hug)) to you this morning ninah. hang in there.

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:09

thanks feel a bit calmer now. Will still ring him at work. Hadn't heard the clean house/support crap was a common cliche, was taking it to heart even though it just isn't true.
Was so upset last night and it was all festering cos stuck home alone while he off 'working'

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:09

thanks feel a bit calmer now. Will still ring him at work. Hadn't heard the clean house/support crap was a common cliche, was taking it to heart even though it just isn't true.
Was so upset last night and it was all festering cos stuck home alone while he off 'working'

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:09

thanks feel a bit calmer now. Will still ring him at work. Hadn't heard the clean house/support crap was a common cliche, was taking it to heart even though it just isn't true.
Was so upset last night and it was all festering cos stuck home alone while he off 'working'

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:09

thanks feel a bit calmer now. Will still ring him at work. Hadn't heard the clean house/support crap was a common cliche, was taking it to heart even though it just isn't true.
Was so upset last night and it was all festering cos stuck home alone while he off 'working'

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:09

thanks feel a bit calmer now. Will still ring him at work. Hadn't heard the clean house/support crap was a common cliche, was taking it to heart even though it just isn't true.
Was so upset last night and it was all festering cos stuck home alone while he off 'working'

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:09

thanks feel a bit calmer now. Will still ring him at work. Hadn't heard the clean house/support crap was a common cliche, was taking it to heart even though it just isn't true.
Was so upset last night and it was all festering cos stuck home alone while he off 'working'

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:10

oh f,f,f! looks calm, don't I!

george32 · 20/10/2005 10:16

Hi Ninah, sounds like he was being very petty and spiteful on the phone, probably not helped by drinking if he was in a bar. It seems so strange that he can let this realationship go without really explaining what the real issues are. It really does seem like there are other things going on in his head.
It is almost like he is heading for a bit of a break-down and is taking it all out on you.

I'm just so sad for you and your DS and your new little one. I hope you have some good support from friends near-by.
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} to you

george32 · 20/10/2005 10:19

Whoops!
Stay calm on the phone Ninah. He wants you to rise to his bait and have a go at him, then he can feel justified in saying whatever he likes.

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:26

I know, that's what freaks me out the most, I simply don't understand george! I keep racking my brains as to what went wrong and I can't see it. And he can't seem to come up with anything sensible, just runs away or gets nasty. he's sending ME round the bend never mind going round it himself! yet he's able to keep up a front to everyone and apparently happy as Larry
I think it scares him the thought of having a third child to provide for and the possibility that I will also become more dependant on him finacially. I sound as if I'm obsessed with money but it's only that it means SO much to him. But I'm only surmising, I don't know what on earth has got into him.

ninah · 20/10/2005 10:29

good advice. I wasn't calm yesterday I was caught off guard and really upset. This morning I felt furious.

Papillon · 20/10/2005 12:40

Hi (((Ninah)))
He sounds very difficult to communicate with, this is why it is good you are going to relate. Did you see a solicitor? Third party communication can help you not be so emotionally involved - the ringing him up. My advice would not to chase him down to much - but you will know bit by bit how much you can let go of this relationship in your own time.

I understand that you want the kids to have a father, but be careful not to compromise your own Self - you deserve to be loved properly and not in a financial / housekeeping capacity.

ninah · 20/10/2005 13:11

thanks P! and hi again
I don't normally call him. It was just that we had not had 2 mins to speak (avoiding me) and I wanted to let him know about Relate to give him the chance to come if he wished, although I knew it was highly unlikely. He then upset me SO much by saying all these untrue and unkind things and putting down phone on me.
Yes agree R is going to help me toughen up and let go. and that I need to organise a lawyer as soon as.
being heavily preg's not doing my coping skills a lot of good.

Papillon · 20/10/2005 13:23

Yes the bump effects! Completely understandable.

Great you are doing relate and just look after yourself. Might be easier to get the solicitor ball rolling for you and for the interests of the children rather than once the babe arrives though!

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