Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 01/12/2005 22:53

Oh NInah I am so sorry . You have been such a support to me. Keep going and do what oyu know is best for you and your family. In the end it will be ok honestly.

What makes you scared? Is it being on your own wiht young kids or the loss of the family unit? Neither will stay that way for ever you know.

dramaqueen72 · 02/12/2005 00:12

if theres ever anything I can do ninah. just say so,
sorry hes such a sh*t. you hang in there hun. baby girl and new house all coming your way. and like everyones said, 2006 is YOUR year. hes the one thats so losing out.
we love you on the dec thread.

glitterfairy · 04/12/2005 11:27

Ninah how are you? You havent been on for a while that I can see and I am worrying about you and how you are doing!

NotActuallyAMum · 05/12/2005 10:54

How are you ninah?

Hope you're OK, we're all thinking about you

ninah · 05/12/2005 13:01

hello had friday off, sorry, and then weekend ... will be brief, but yes am OK, am actually pretty angry which is helping me cope
He was on a jolly on Friday and did not come home eventually turned in wrecked 11pm ish Sat!
dss was lovely, helped me settle ds and really stuck up for me with his dad, love him! (in fact will come on smums thread naam, cos he's just so great)
handed over ds yesterday and had day out, including making an extravaganta/metretricious purchase for my new home.
Onwards and upwards! will come back later, just a bit of a rush with work etc only 5 days to go
Thanks so much everyone for thinking of me
Want an update on you too gf, will be checking! xx

NotActuallyAMum · 05/12/2005 13:34

Glad you're OK ninah

That's the spirit - onwards on upwards, you can do it, we're all behind you

ninah · 05/12/2005 14:17

I know, and it feels great to have the support, thanks.
Thinking of having baby at dad's instead of p's. What do you think? dad is very unwell, can't keep any food in his system basically, and can't come to us. But will do what he can. Whereas p is fine physically, I know hospital etc, have friends round here ... would you rather be with a bloke who's permanently on the loo or one who's permanently in the pub when the time comes?
I am seeing mw on Wednesday and get some advice on how easy it is to change LHA

NotActuallyAMum · 05/12/2005 14:46

If Dad is happy to have you I'd go there - IMO better to have some support, even if it is a bit restricted due to his health. Does your Dad know about your situation at home?

ninah · 05/12/2005 15:41

yes, dad knows pretty much what it's like, I was trying to avoid telling him but ended up blurting it out
I tend to agree, at least it will be a better atmosphere for Xmas
Have friends on standby with van for next week (and to help pack my stuff) also got all ready to put my house on market - househunting later this week while I still have only one child (just!)

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 05/12/2005 15:46

Daft question (cos you've clearly thought about it and decided it's not a good idea) but do you have to sell your house? Could you and your child(ren) move out and live there?

Definitely think you'd be better with your Dad for Christmas. Apart from anything else, he must be worried about you and I'm sure he'd also feel happier having you with him

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 05/12/2005 15:47

Note the Christmas name change

ninah · 05/12/2005 15:57

hey, like the name, v good indeed!
my house is a two up two down with no bath and a tiny second bedroom - I can SEE his house from my window.
The good part is that it's in a 'picturesque' location here in the South East and I have good equity in it cos for ONCE in my life I did something sensible financially. For 2/3 the price I can get something with 3 beds a garden and a proper bathroom a bit more 'northerly' thus reducing my housing costs to the absolute minimum.
I'm ready for a new start. He will live out his days where he is and I can't handle being round the corner - not at the moment.
If I move back into my house with ds I will have no chance of bettering my environment as I literally cannot afford my mortgage at the present level plus childcare for 2 on my salary.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 05/12/2005 16:05

Thought it must be something like that. Think you're right to have a fresh start, not good to live within shouting distance!! Presumably you have somewhere in mind, will you have friends or family near you when you move?

A very big well done for having everything worked out You're very brave

ills · 05/12/2005 16:26

well done hope it works out for you. I wish I had the courage to do the same

awayninahmanger · 05/12/2005 16:34

it's ALL new, but I think I can make friends - and the ones I have already will stay in touch. I am fairly self sufficient.
Booked into b&b for househunting and they sound lovely.
My dad and sis's about the same distance away as at the mo, maybe a bit closer.
ills you find the courage you need when the situation is bad enough, trouble is I think it has to get to rock bottom to believe that staying is worse than going. I am by nature very pacific, and change scares me, it takes a lot to get to my cut off point - but by God I've reached it now. Don't know your situation but hope you can find happiness.

Squirrel3Kings · 05/12/2005 16:47

Ninah, well done for getting everything sorted out, see, you are a very strong person, you are brilliant!

Go to your Dads and have a lovely Christmas

{{{hugs}}}

ills · 05/12/2005 16:48

thanks for those words. I suppose I would have left a long time ago if it wasn't for ds and dd. My husband would fight me for custody and i am scared of loosing them. Anyway love the name. Good luck

awayninahmanger · 05/12/2005 16:52

thanks squirrel!
ills I know what you mean it is SO hard with children. But I bet you would get custody? my p quite often says really vile things that I can see are threats rather than having any reasonable basis. Thing is, if it's miserable but tolerable one tends to plod on ... I spose by being SUCH A bstrd mine has done me a favour, really!
I'll keep you all posted.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 05/12/2005 16:57

Yes please keep us posted ninah

NO WAY would your DP get custody, he's just trying to scare you - please don't let him

glitterfairy · 05/12/2005 19:52

My xh is fighting me for residency but I reckon its nothing to do with the kids just the money he will get if it works out.

Ninah I am so glad you have sorted this!

awayninahmanger · 06/12/2005 09:47

Bet you're right gf, he'd probably be gutted if he did have care of the children, I know mine would! he said he could get an au pair who would be cheaper than me
Pathetic, aren't they. In the end I just know my p will be giving everyone hard luck stories about what a b I am taking his children away while secretly rubbing his hands he doesn't have to support them financially or any other way.
Far from sorted just yet, but on the way - signed contract with estate agents last night!

awayninahmanger · 06/12/2005 09:47

Bet you're right gf, he'd probably be gutted if he did have care of the children, I know mine would! he said he could get an au pair who would be cheaper than me
Pathetic, aren't they. In the end I just know my p will be giving everyone hard luck stories about what a b I am taking his children away while secretly rubbing his hands he doesn't have to support them financially or any other way.
Far from sorted just yet, but on the way - signed contract with estate agents last night!

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 07/12/2005 11:34

Good for you ninah

Hope you sell your house quickly. Have you sorted things with your Dad about staying there over Christmas?

Just picked up that you said DP won't have to support you financially? Surely he'll have to pay you maintenance for the children?

awayninahmanger · 07/12/2005 14:16

hello NAAMC! yes dad is up for it, and when I spoke to mw this morning she said no prob going to other hosp just take notes and bag!
Have a couple of days off when I will be house hunting - finish work end of next week so any time after that I am free to go.
mw said head is in position but not engaged so it looks like not a lot of time ...
I will apply to CSA of course. P is a self employed accountant so won't hold my breath ... when I asked him about dss p actually told me the CSA 'werent taking on new cases' I have phoned htem and its a load of crp

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 07/12/2005 15:20

So you'll have a new baby very soon

You're right about the CSA, they certainly are taking on new cases. this should give you an idea of what you can expect from him - assuming you know how much he earns

Really glad you're going to your Dads - bet he is too, he must worry about you