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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
compo · 28/09/2005 13:22

have you considered relate?

Toothache · 28/09/2005 13:22

Blackcoffee - DH and I were on the brink a couple of weeks ago.

Do you think he would go to counselling? What happened to send him off on one like that????

SherlockLGJ · 28/09/2005 13:24

If it is any consolation Rickamn left whilst pregnant with children in tow, it wan't easy but she would tell you that it was the best thing she ever did.

Hopefully she will be along soon.

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:28

dp would NEVER go to counselling, he will not even talk to me! at all
I have suggested it in the past as I think it would help a lot but he says all the talking gets us nowhere, we just argue. I know I could go on my own, but without his involvement I can't see it helping.
I think he is stressed about having another baby. I think he can't 'do' family life, even though part of him wants to. I don't think we argue as much as all that, but it shocked me that all this blew up from nowhere, he just started calling me names, i wasn't expecting it.
I have seen rickman post and I think she is lovely and very brave. I do believe I could find the strength to leave but at the moment I am feeling overwhelmed by love and regret.

OP posts:
Toothache · 28/09/2005 13:30

Blackcoffee - The fact that it was totally out of character for him shows that there must be a major reason for his behaviour! Does he want to save the relationship?
Why is he sleeping in another room and not talking to you both? That has to stop either way or nothing will be resolved/decided!

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:38

I wouldn't say it is totally out of character. He will blow up from time to time. Then it will pass. I said some cruel things and we had quite a row, he is very stubborn so no I don't think he does want to resolve it probably. I think he is hoping I'll just go away.

OP posts:
blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 14:58

so what next? exit with dignity? try to call him and get the phone slammed down? anyone

OP posts:
Dior · 28/09/2005 15:00

Message withdrawn

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 15:10

I told him ds was my resposibility nothing to do with him and he should leave us alone

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blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 16:18

I was really angry.
The way he spoke to me during the initial row shocked me, it was stuff I said I would not accept.
I'm feeling really vulnerable atm, it all feels too much. I want him back. But the him I want probably never existed.

OP posts:
doormat · 28/09/2005 16:24

why not send him an invitation to a venue, place of your choice on your own, without kids where you can both talk, and try and find some common ground between you with the way you both feel at the moment.
write down a list of his good and bad points and what you want to change
if you both want to stay together work on it together,

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 16:31

yes, that's a good idea
I don't know if he will agree, but I have to try.
We have tried this in the past and it is increasingly difficult to get him to talk nowadays. Then again if I don't try I'll never know
Trouble is he is ignoring me so thoroughly it is hard to make the first move. I tend to placate and this hasn't stood me in good stead in the past. Every time I think about our situation I get very emotional and he will see this as weak and pathetic. I am not feeling all that great physically either as I am not sleeping

OP posts:
doormat · 28/09/2005 16:36

leave a written invitation for him to meet you
the ball is then in his court, it may take a couple of times to get through to him but without arguing (believe me I know it is hard) just stress to him that you both need to talk.
Also try not to get too stressed out and get some sleep

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 16:44

thanks so much doormat. I will do that
Keep it brief and to the point? I know he is not coming home tonight and like I say he comes in when he knows I am in bed. Chances are I will find it left on the side
I don't know where we are going and I wish I was brave enough to go 'oh well', shrug, pack my bags, and start again, but I'm not, well not like this. I don't think he loves me any more, and I don't know why. I am scared to hear it. Despite being really fed up at the way he's treated me I have no ill will towards him deep down. I don't know if he will or even can explain, he is the sort to just draw a line and get on with life (ie work and pub)

OP posts:
doormat · 28/09/2005 16:53

thats alright blackcoffee
maybe, just maybe he could feel the same way, I really dont know but I hope everything works out ok for you.
xxx

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 16:57

thanks for that, your kindness is a big help!

OP posts:
sweetheart · 28/09/2005 16:58

bc - is that you???? Think I know who you are - won't let on though

Hugs to you sweetie, you know you have my support (hope your the person I think you are!!!)

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 17:06

yes I am
having a wobbly couple of days sh, not good at conflict. hence pseudonym. Sure I'll find some backbone shortly! xxxx I leant on you too much already with this, but yes, I know you are there - I am so glad you are a friend, hope we will share some happier times soon!
I think I have been through the anger stage and am on to the maudlin stage, not sure what stage comes next! sensible and dignified I hope!

OP posts:
sweetheart · 28/09/2005 17:16

bc,

I think you have been so very strong and brave through this whole thing. Please don't ever feel like a burden. I wouldn't offer my support if I didn't mean it.

Your dp has been a tosser and I think youhave handled the situation in the most dignified way possible. He is the undignified child with no backbone, hiding at the pub FFS how old is he!!! You have a child to raise (and you have done the very best by him), you don't have the option of skulking off whenever you feel like it.

Be proud of yourself - this is a tough thing to cope with at any time let alone when you are heavily pregnant!

Unfortunatly somone in your relationship has to behave like an adult and it looks like it's you. At least by backing down and talking to him you may be able to resolve some issues one way or another instead of living in limbo!!!

I'll be thinking of you
xx

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 17:18

thanks sh
You working overtime?! go home girl!!!
See you tomorrow
Thanks, everyone!
feel stupid cos I know he's been a tosser, but still I'm hanging on to the shipwreck! feel a lot better now going to get ds and give him big kiss

OP posts:
sweetheart · 28/09/2005 17:24

I'm already at home - you don't think I'd stay in the office a single min past 5pm did you!!!

sweetheart · 28/09/2005 17:25

Oh, and just coz he's a tosser doesn't mean you stop loving him!!

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 17:25

really do feel SOO much better, you have helped a lot thanks guys

OP posts:
Dior · 28/09/2005 21:55

Message withdrawn

blackcoffee · 29/09/2005 09:00

I said it because I was angry and because at that point I felt that being called a stupid c+nt in front of ds (3) was the absolute pits, to the point that he didn't deserve to be a father. Yes of course ds is distressed, he doesn't have words for it, but he will be playing and then pick up a pretend telephone to talk to daddy, or cry for him, or keep saying he doesn't like me. I emailed p to ask him to set time aside for ds but he has not replied.

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