On the brink

[blackcoffee]

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

I mean a good thing to have a 3rd party, not to lie. I don't lie.
As long as it's not one of his drinking buddies.

God ninah what a b***d. How absolutely awful for you. Have you somewhere else to go or do you know anyone you can stay with?

oh ninah - I'm so sorry it's come to this. What a total arse!

I'm here if you need anything!

OMG . That is terrible.
No matter what has gone on between the 2 of you he shouldn't take it out on your DS.

You certainly need a neutral party there. I hope he isn't thinking of one of his mates and agrees to see someone from relate or something similar.

Does he realise that it is probable that if you end up in court over this you are likely to be allowed to stay in the house esp if you have custody of your DS. It will be a case of him moving out.

I just don't understand how he can do this to you especially at nearly 30 weeks pregnant.

it's his house george, as he never ceases to remind me, in fact this is one of the things he was most enraged about having to leave 'his' house during the scene. He refuses to take responsibility for any of it and is full of anger and hatred towards me. He has however stopped threatening to throw me out in the street and the 'How much' indicates an awareness that he will support the children I suppose. He went for a long time without seeing his eldest son, whom he now sees every weekend .. ostensibly because ex would not let him, now I wonder. He is very keen to be seen as a pillar of the community and by vilifying me hopes to keep some credibility. The trouble is being in this predicament and being unable to discuss it is doing my head in and although I am trying to keep my cool I am so stressed I can hardly function, god alone knows what effect this is having on the baby.

NInah hun there are people who will talk to you. I have jsut come back from Womens AID who were fantastic and have access to legal help as well. They filled me in on residency and spent an hour and a half talking things through.

The pillar of the community thing is apparently a typical scenario but they have all the research as well to tell you you are not alone. THere must be a central line where you can find out about the nearest centre near you.

I talked about anger management and the counsellor said does he throw things at people at work who piss him off? He doesnt need anger management he can control his anger this is about controlling you.

Relate can offer some help but it is not so practical. Do both and you will get more support. The police have been involved and they also have domestic violence officers and these also deal with financial bullying and pressure which is what he is doing to you now.

Take care I am thinking of you.

that is very helpful thanks. I do wish you weren't in a position to be so knowledgeable but since you are it's a huge help to me. As you say, our p's do sound v similar. Women's Aid was on the leaflet the pc gave me will check this out.
It's a bit of a nightmare trying to fit this in around work, childcare and general preg exhaustion. Spent all night awake sweating and worrying.

NInah have been away and am so sorry I didnt reply. I am now in discussions wiht DH about his behaviour he is starting to admit his problem and actuaaly talk which has made me feel better. Actually it has also helped that I am feeling stronger and have said I refuse to be guilty any more you have made me miserable, set out to punish me and involved our kids it is your behaviour whihc must change nnot only mine!

He is a little gob smacked by my strong attitude now and I have said that without work, change and an acknowledgment that he is abusive and violent we cannot go anywhere and I will look for a divorce. I still do not know what it is I really really want but know that one thing will be not to go back into such a horrid relationship which makes me unhappy.

The womens aid counsellor has really helped ninah adn made me see that this is not my fault and I shouldnt take the blame for his behaviour and also that I should take responsibility for me and the kids and that means saying what it is I want and starting to insist on change.

brilliant news gf, sounds like you've achieved a real breakthrough. Keep strong and keep going! Really hope it works out for you.
My p is still avoiding me - slinking back from the pub when I'm in bed, I have to leave before him in the mornings - so we still have not discussed anything but I'm now thinking sod it I'll run my own life, can do without all this crp. May still go to relate but mainly focussed on practical issues now. It irks me a bit that by acting like an ar s he's got what he wants ie me out of his hair without any undertakings re the children on his behalf, leaving him free to act like the abandoned victim but what the hell. I need a better life.
Keep us posted on developments with your dh, I really hope you make it. Will be sending you positive thoughts! take care

Thanks ninah. What is happening in a practical sense with you? You can see a solicitor free for the first hour and get some sound advice. I would recommend this as you can outline your needs for support, finance and housing and see what he/she says. When you know what oyur rights are it makes things easier and it means he cannot threaten you with stuff which cannot happen.

My DH was always talking about a 50 50 split in the house I know this will not happen. He also said he could prove I was an unfit mother and take my kids off me and I know this will not happen. It means when he becomes threatening I can just admire his childishness and say very little knowing the law will back me.

Ulitmately I have a responsibility to make myself and my kids happy and I have put him first for too long. I do feel sneaky doing this behind his back but actually he has asked for it. I need to be the strong one and control the outcome so that it is best for my three kids and me as well. I have accepted guilt for my affair and bad behaviour for too long and I will not punish myself for ever.

gosh you do sound together gf!
I think I know where I stand and I can get away and make a new life for myself and the children but you're right, a bit of legal advice would be helpful in terms of consolodating matters. I understand it's actually quite difficult round here to get the half hour freebie family law advice that used to be poss, but it would be money well spent in any case. I'm going to call someone I know who works in a local firm over the weekend and ask for a recommendation. It's actually quite hard to find time and energy on top of day to day life but I agree it is worthwhile, probably more so that relate atm.
It's actually really getting me down now that ds and I are being pointedly avoided. Yet I feel I can't just leave without some kind of postitive closure. Another thing that really worries me is that p was having tests for a kidney problem when all this kicked off, he kept saying he had not heard any results, and last night I saw something about scans, I am now worried sick in case his behaviour is down to something terribly wrong.

LOL I may sound together but my decisions change daily and I go form one crazy thing to another.

In the end though ninah sharing his problems or not is his choice if he chooses to zone you out of it. You are not responsible for him and he has made it plain that he wants out. You obviously still care for him and that is good it shows you are not as cold as he is. Ultimately people in your life will respond to that wonderful and caring part of you. Your child will have a mother who cares about them and will always know you were there for her. That is the important thing in all this.

Most lawyers give the first hour free ime. Ring and ask your friend sounds a good idea.

I am thinking of you. Big hug. This is so hard and you probably have hormones racing around and tiredness issues which make things even more difficult. Concentrate on being kind to yourself as well because you are important too in all of this. See gglimpopos list on my thread it is great.

will do, thanks!
weekend turned out a bit better cos he took ds off my hands while I went to see dad who is pretty ill, so ds had some time with his dad and I had a chance to visit mine. Means all the legal stuff is still on back burner but did have chat with solicitor friend on the phone meanwhile. hopefully at some point we can sit down and sort something out.
Hope things continue to improve in the gf household. xx

Am going to divorce him ninah! HAve made my decision and seen my relate counsellor today who was wonderful. She says he controls me and uses power to frighten me. She will not see him again but has agreed to see us both next week when she will tell him he needs help and will also be there when I tell him about the divorce.

flippin' heck gf! well done you! it sounds like you should be proud of yourself coming to this difficult decision. You know you have done all you can, so good luck with a new happier life. Please keep me posted - I'm inspired by your strength.
p and I are now on speaking terms but he refuses point blank to discuss anything about our relationship. Asked him if he loved me and he said 'sometimes'. Although it's much nicer not to have silence in the house I don't think 'sometimes' cuts it for me and I'm beginning to realise he will never be what I need him to be. Also he says he always treats me well and when I disagreed said well you deserve it. When I left this morning he was polishing an expensive new pair of shoes and I knew then he is always going to please himself. The sad thing is I think he really does love me, and I know he loves ds, but he is just too f-d up to show it. If I stay with him I will have to put up with leftovers all my life. The good thing is that the ice has been broken and hopefully we can agree on a plan so that he still sees his son and has some input in his life.
I am making an appt with relate, doubt he will come but offer is there. I also thought about making a list of changes I need from the relationship and asking him to do the same. I am open to change cos I do still love him but I am realistic, and I don't think it's going to happen. Feel much better that we can part on better terms tho.
Oh this will make you laugh gf, he said he repaired the bed cos 'the cleaner' knocked it .... no wonder he won't talk, he's in complete denial!

Blimey what are they like? Yep just like I deliberately banged my own shoulder! Yes! Grrrrrrrrrrr

As I said he is going to be told at relate next week though and told he is no longer able to be counselled by them until he has had treatment. He will either think I have got to our counsellor or that everyone is mad. I doubt very much that he wil take it on the chin.

Anyway I may cat you because this has become a bit of a two way chat! Are you ever on MSN?
Until then I am keeping up the facade and ebing very very nice. I have no idea how he will react but just being told by a professional that he is abusive and a psychological bully and control freak who enjoys having power over me has made me resolve to break this up.

Your experience at relate is really encouraging. I mean, they're impartial, outside observers of your relationship, so you need to take note of what they say and STOP taking the blame! it's so difficult when you're alone with it and your p has a convincing public facade. Go gf! you sound so resolute!
Hope it's OK I CAT you. want to make sure my work email is on it cos the home one was bgred when we went on broadband. I don't msn, but I'm pretty accessible.

im in a similar situation at the moment, well we aren't sleeping serperate but it wouldn't bother me if we were, i have no sexual desire for him most of the time and we argue all the time, he's so selfish and imature and i think im falling out of love with him. i still love him but not in the same way. we have a son together who is only 4 months old and i really don't want to end it for his sake but im not sure if theres anything there to save. we live with my parents which causes alot of arguments coz he dosen't like my mum. but we have no choice because im back at college and not working and he dosen't earn enough on his own for us to manage on our own with a home. he is also so lazy and i know i will end up doing everything myself and with college i know i won't be able to cope with ds aswell. but i feel selfish because ds should have his dad around and if i wasn't at college them we could move out and maybe things would be better, but deep down i know things will be so much harder and we'd probley argue over him being lazy. i don't know what to do, any advise would be greatful.

should i move out and see if things will work or is he being unreasonable, coz in my eyes my mum is a great help and dosen't interfer but he thinks she does and that he dosen't get time to spend with ds, but thats not true coz she wants him to be involved, he's the one thats not interested and just uses it as an excuse i think.

should i leave him, or what shall i do?

OMG mathewsmummy cant answer that one only you can decide.

IMO though you need to remember your responsibility to yourself. Instead of putting him first think about the life you could have on your own and bringing up your child your way. How would that look and what would it involve? He could still be a dad being apart doesnt stop him.

THen compare that with a life with him. THink about how you feel in both lives and what each will involve in terms of personal sacrifice, happiness, finance and help with your child.

I think if the thought of one life makes you feel happier then that is your answer. I often ask myself these questions and know now the answer is a life of my own. That has taken a long long time and soul searching and is not a decision I have made overnight. I have tried and have felt miserable and guilty but as ninah says that hsa to stop. I had an affair from need because my marriage was bad and my needs were not being met. I was abused and treated badly and it is not my fault. My solution is not everyones though and you ened to really think. You say your mum is very helpful and I am sure she would be good to talk to in that case. Personally I cant do without a physical realtionship as I am a very physical person and that would sway my thinking. Dont forget you ahve needs too and your kids will only be happy if you are.

mm things are always going to be difficult with a 4 month old baby, and it sounds like life in gen is quite a strain so it's difficult to judge the relationship in its own right. How about relate? I just booked up an appt, it's a start!

Well done ninah have emailed you!

oh, cool! hasn't come through yet! it's on 26th wish me luck. don't spose p will dare come! if not I am having some retail therapy straight afterwards. It's an hour, bloody hell what do you talk about for an HOUR?!

LOL I have been going for four months matey and I can tell you once we are off it often passes really quickly.

I am looking forward to my sessions on my own after next week when I can get my head sorted I must say.

glad to hear it does what it says on the tin!

TBH having someone listen to you without being involved for an hour is a joy. I can really see why people get addicted to therapy. But then as beety will tell you I love to talk about myself. She nods off in the corner!