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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

On the brink

271 replies

blackcoffee · 28/09/2005 13:20

dp and I are having a really really bad patch. I think it is probably the end but, having been quite resolute to leave, I am now at the sentimental dithering stage. The trigger was an unprovoked verbal attack on me in front of ds which I found unforgiveable. He tried to brush it under the carpet but I wouldn't let that happen and during a second episode said some quite unforgiveable things to him as well. He is not speaking to me or ds at all, he stays in the pub til closing time and then sleeps in the spare room, or stays away (often away on business). This has gone on for over two weeks. My friend saw him drunk on sat night and he told her we were arguing (he usually tries to keep a good public face). He has not paid his contribution to ds nursery fees this month. I told myself I could sit this out until the baby comes (28 weeks preg) but he seems to be surviving on the regime of work/pub while I am beginning to crack up. I know I can leave but a big part of me wants to try and repair this dreadful situation at least for ds if not for myself. Just don't know how.

OP posts:
kangel · 03/10/2005 11:55

Hi Nunah,

Am sending you loads of LOVE & [[[[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]] If there is anything that any of us Dec ladies can do please let us know. I'm sorry you are going through this but we are here to help so use us - we are all in this together. You have our full support, its so easy to blaime yourself for all this but you musn't!!!! You need to keep your head held high, you are and always will be a good mother and NO-ONE can ever take that away from you!!

Wish I could come and give you a real big squeeze!!

beetlejuice73 · 03/10/2005 11:55

Just adding my support Ninah. Sounds like you're coping amazingly well. Please don't feel embarrassed about your situation, these things happen to all sorts of people, and shame is the last thing you need to add to your emotional baggage just now. Take care of yourself, and I hope things improve.

kangel · 03/10/2005 11:55

.........And that should have said Ninah!!! (but you knew that)

Nemo666 · 03/10/2005 12:21

Ninah hun
I am surprised you have managed to keep it together at all with this all going on. P sounds like an arse and tbh would agree with whoever said about a possible injunction against him. I know its hard as with having kids with someone but at end of day the way he hs behaving is not someone you would want your ds or db to be around. If you need anything then mail me
take care
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ninah · 03/10/2005 13:27

thanks everyone
am seeing friends after work tonight to sort an action plan
not thinking straight yet
don't know why he hates me so much, find it really shocking. Thought we could lead separate lives for a while - he seemed happier with his batchelor set up.

glitterfairy · 03/10/2005 14:38

Oh God ninah have just seen this you poor thing. It is so awful when the police get involved but also in a way reassuring. They sent me a really good leaflet about abuse and the name of a free counsellor.I got in touch made an appointment but then cancelled as DH persuaded me it was rubbish am now thinking I should go anyway.

A really big hug from me to you.

doormat · 03/10/2005 15:05

ninah I am so sorry that has happened over the weekend,offering support and cyberhugs.

you do not deserve to be treated like this

ninah · 03/10/2005 15:20

thanks gf! I think I got the leaflet. You are quite right, awful and nightmarish but also reassuring in that you KNOW it is wrong. At least you do for a while, til you start thinking 'why me'
I can't see that we need the counselling , tho,can you? surely the one with all this anger needs it but my p will never go
Thanks for all your kindness doormat, means a lot to me

dillydally · 03/10/2005 15:27

Hello Ninah,

I think I have missed a lot of this, and i have no constructive advice sorry. Just wanted to say hello and wish you well to get to a happier place.

ninah · 03/10/2005 15:59

hello dilly
as well as being my 'funniest' mnetter (in a good way!) you've said some thought provoking things on shared parenting
thanks, means a lot
x

CeeTee · 03/10/2005 16:34

BlackCoffee, just wanted to show you some support in whatever your decision may be. I'm going through a similar situation (got called a bitch this morning & just not feeling very loved) It is very easy for others to say to leave ( I would tell a friend to if she were in our situation), but when you are the one dealing with everything & there are children involved it makes it harder, with emotions & all. MAkes you feel kinda stupid for putting up with all of the b.s. but what can you do until things are sorted out. I wish you the best Girl, & if you figure things out before me, let me know, If I do first I'll post you a message. Take care. Oh & good luck with the baby, I think you should go & get a prenatal massage,If you can get a chance.

ninah · 03/10/2005 16:44

thanks CeeTee
sorry to hear you are in similar. I think you said to me on another thread 'keep the baby dump the bloke' short but perceptive as it turned out!
could do with a massage atm stomach feels like a drum!
can you talk to your p at ALL? i used to try with mine. If the avenues are open try to keep them that way is all I can say. Sure if we could have sat down and talked it wouldn't have got this far, he just refused and refused

CeeTee · 03/10/2005 17:15

We have tried councelling, but he has such a way with charming everyone else that the councellor didn't even notice his true ways until the last session when he kept interrupting me.

I have another thread called WTF..which shows some more of his lovely qualities.The thing is that no matter what he does he has a way of turning it on me to make me feel bad & then he apologizes & I feel like crap.

I just dont what to do anymore.

glitterfairy · 03/10/2005 17:33

Yep that is why counselling may help because they always make it your fault!

ei23mummy · 03/10/2005 18:34

oh ninah hun i had no idea things were so bad for you iv got a spare room for you t camp in if you want (there is a 4 1/2 hour drive tho!!) i cant say i understand completely how you feel hun as my prev relationship was abusive but didnt involve any kids! it would be so easy for me to say to you to get as far away from this nutcase as possible and move on but with children involved it makes it so much more complicated! i agree with everyone tellin you to stay at a friends house in the meantime to getting this horrible situation resolved tho! and fwiw it sounds to me that your p is only not speaking to your ds to get at you. either way tho he sounds like bad news and his childish behaviour shouldnt be directed at your ds- or at you for that matter! he sounds like an arse and you deserve a million times better hun
xx thinking of you xx
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

george32 · 04/10/2005 07:37

Ninah, any news at all? Did you sort something out with your friends last night?
I hope everything is OK and no more trouble overnight.

Blu · 04/10/2005 07:49

Ninah - I have been away - sorry to hear this has been going on - it sounds very horrible and frightening. How are you managing now?

dramaqueen72 · 04/10/2005 09:56

ninah, checking in on you to see how last night was? better I hope. take care hun.

glitterfairy · 04/10/2005 18:10

How are you ninah? I am thinking about you.

ninah · 04/10/2005 20:20

thanks all of you,, v v much - hi blu hope you had good break - no mn, good grief!
will be quick (has been v busy at work and try not to use puter at home 4 this .. tho you are all so nice to ask I have to tonight)
things have calmed down and I feel so much better for a night's sleep
having The Talk later tonight so wish me luck (have mobile down my bra)will come on here tomorrow and update you, also want to chat to those of you who've been here

MummyJules · 04/10/2005 23:05

Good Luck for tonight Ninah - I used to also put the mobile down my bra + money and house keys!

Hope you manage to get things sorted. Please let us know how you get on. Love Jules x

ninah · 05/10/2005 06:51

right well I am really hacked off now. At 9.3-0 he calls from pub to say it's a bit late to talk now, sounded like he'd had a drink I asked him he said '2 beers' I said well that's 2 too many isnt it? there was absolutely no point having it out with him he says now we'll talk on Sunday when he gets back. I told him it is priority and he agrees, says his life is 'shit' we don't get on and we haven't been together for ages? to whch I replied you mean I havn't spoken to you since you called me a c in front of ds and he said he got mad cos the kitchen was dirty, he blows up sometimes he can't 'timetable it'. I can think of loads of answers now but I just told him you DON't do this in front of a child you wait and have an adult discussion. He is wriggling out of facing up to any of this by basically hiding in the pub and I can hear the anger back in his voice, wish to god I had tackled him on Monday but was so so tired. He said we don't need to talk, we could do it by email! told him to grow up and be a man.
Oh SOOOO fed up. He left just now, I was awake and I asked him if he could take ds in cos I have flat tyre but he said he had to leave to get to his meeting in time, didn't say goodbye or anything in fact he was very keen to avoid me. I did one very stupid thing and left him a note cos I was upset I said some emotional things in it like how he had been love of my life bugger bugger bugger, asked him for reply but nothing of course. No doubt everyone in pub could hear him telling me how shit his life is and the woman who does our ironing works there no doubt he's been bending everyone's ear and trying to turn things around so he ends up the hero not the villain. Feel so so sad. was hoping whether we ended it or not we could do it in a way that showed there was still some affection and respect there. Got to sort out f'ing car now get ds to nursery and get to work somehow and have the whole big mess hanging over me til Sunday ffffff. Sounds like I'm on my own, doesn't it.

glitterfairy · 05/10/2005 13:13

It is a nightmare ninah when they make everyone around them feel sorry for them and they have been acting like s*s. It makes me very angry. I have been taking this for some time and giong on about my own bad behaviour whilst he was off with another woman.

In the end I know the truth wil out and in a way it has already. He has told a pack of lies about his violence towards me and is still doing it to me, the kids and to our friends. Personally I dont think this sort of man can really live with what they do so they bury it and make it our fault.

Seek out your friends they are your strength as are your family. Spend time with them it makes things better.

ninah · 05/10/2005 17:24

gf I have been trying to post all day but sooo busy here - good thing too, feel much better.
You certainly know the score 'Personally I dont think this sort of man can really live with what they do so they bury it and make it our fault' is spot on. There was a big change in him from the hangdog man on Monday to the man in pub last night. The trouble is I can understand how horrible they must feel about themselves, I almost feel sorry that they are trapped in such a destructive personality then you get into the trying to fix it trap. Hope I can talk with you more on here. Had a quick look and you are meeting ff? I don't know her in rl but please tell her chin up from me
I am seeing friends this week (kind enough to visit me cos with ds I can't go out) and have a lot of support. No family really to help but great friends including on here - THANKS SH for the emails! xxx

ninah · 05/10/2005 17:25

WILL cat you Jules! trouble is don't want to do it from his puter at home and work has been frantic. Means a lot
Never thought of the money and keys ... gonna have to get bigger bras!