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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever possible to have a successful relationship with an active alcoholic?

152 replies

Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:17

That's just it really... I've always known dh was a drinker but since losing his job earlier this year it has gone from bad to worse - hiding booze, mouth wash in the car, school complaining of him smelling of drink when he picked up dd (Blush the shame).

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. My family are overseas. His are crap and our lives are geared round him doing most of the childcare at the moment. We can't afford to pay people but I feel my kids aren't safe.

Sad Help. Please.

Regular namechanger btw. Some people on here know me in real life and I am hideously ashamed of our situation at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:24

Please

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2010 21:28

perhaps, if you are a problem-drinker too I see how you could have a "we are in this together" kind of thing while you wait to see which one of you destroys yourself first

otherwise no

Your children are not safe. You need to remove them from the situation before someone else does. I am very sorry.

Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:32

I don't drink.

Shit. What do I do?

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 15/12/2010 21:32

Please, don't be ashamed. Alcohol affects more people than you know. And IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I would seriously suggest you contact AlAnon and go to some of their meetings. It will seem a bit strange and cultish at first, but if you find the right group, you will find them generous, loving and non-judgemental. The first thing you will learn, is that you did not cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it. Your DH has to WANT to heal himself - you can't make him.

Have you talked to him about it? This is a hard road, but in my AlAnon group, I have met people who have got through, whose partners have stopped drinking, and who are leading happier lives. It's not all happy endings, but you need to find some support for yourself first, before you can think of ways of coping with his illness.

Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:32

Thanks for repying AFfaMP

OP posts:
granhands · 15/12/2010 21:33

Sorry, no. There is no way, not if you feel that good parenting from both parents is one of the things that make a successful relationship.If your DP is drinking at inapropriate times, he is not a good parent.

I agree with AnyFucker, your children are in danger, please don't allow this to continue.

Remember that someone else's alcohol problem is not your fault: no matter who they are.

SheWillBeLoved · 15/12/2010 21:35

You leave. You take yourself and your children somewhere safe until he acknowledges that he needs help and gets it. Which he will never do whilst you're prepared to sit back and ask if it is possible to have a relationship with a drunk.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 15/12/2010 21:35

Does he pick dd up in the car?

Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:37

Sad Yes bibbity... usually

OP posts:
Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:38

WHere do people go in situations like this though? Do I uproot the dds and move dd1s school? She is only 5 fgs.

Bastard

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 15/12/2010 21:38

Does he drive when he collects them from school? If so, you MUST find someone else to help out - do you have any mums at school who could keep them at home till you finish work?

loves2cycle · 15/12/2010 21:41

No why should you have to go and move your DDs? He should go if anyone has to.

Can you rope in friends for this and next week, to do pick-ups/cover whichever he usually does. You must tell him that while he cannot be trusted to take or collect DD from school, other people will have to help you out - until he is well clear of the alcohol problem.

Don't believe him if he says he won't drink until after pick up - you just can't trust him.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 15/12/2010 21:41

Well that can't ever happen again. This is a bit of an emergency, isn't it? I'm not sure what to advise you but for starters can your dd go to an afterschool club or childminder until you can get home from work and collect her?

maktaitai · 15/12/2010 21:42

No experience so I am sorry if this comes across wrong. Am Sad that YOU feel ashamed, on top of everything else.

I don't know about the relationship. I think that has to come second at the moment?

Is after-school club a possibility? Could/would your family send money to pay for it, or to help you in general if you can't bear to say what's going on?

Tanee58 · 15/12/2010 21:42

Ah, I see he does drive. No, this is scary. Your children are not safe if he's drinking and driving. For your own peace of mind, you need to think about moving out or getting him to move out, until he gets help. Have you thought of phone Women's Aid? they can offer advice and also a refuge, if you have nowhere else to go.

SheWillBeLoved · 15/12/2010 21:43

In fact no, you don't go anywhere. He goes. He has family nearby, shit family, but family. You don't.

You cannot let him carry on putting your children in danger. If he wants to kill himself with drink, fine, but don't let him take the children down with him.

colditz · 15/12/2010 21:43

he already has an exclusive relationship with alcohol, so you and the children are getting scraps, really.

Heroine · 15/12/2010 21:43

yes it is.. but your best trick here is to try to help him to become less active.

at the very least be really really supportive alcoholics love the dangerous and self-destructive buzz of being told off and being made to feel useless - that makes them feel strongly emotional and useless and that helps them with an excuse to drink.

You need to acknowledge and feel and understand his pain at feeling useless because he isn't working (that the world thinks he is useless) try to become the centre of his world again so you .. as 'the world' can let him know how wonderful he is - its a complicated task of allowing him to feel trusted and appreciated enough that he can pop the emotional bubble and let his emotions wash over him, without feeling that his world will end. as those emotions wash over him, they will kind of wash the need for booze out - many alcoholics drink so they can experience emotions they daredn't let out when sober.

The mouthwash and the hidden bottles, though, suggest he is thinking about booze all day and that will come from emptiness, so get him doing things for you - dream with him, ask him to do things and then be really nice to him.

A friend of mine who lost his job said that it was like losing all your bones - the shell of you feels held up by who you are at work, and you sort of collapse and it takes a lot of energy and time to remember who you are/were afterward. That's pretty traumatic for anyone.

Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:44

I have an aunt 7 miles away but that won't help with the school run and I leave for work by 7.15 at the latest.

God I can't quite believe I have got myself into this mess. My poor girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:46

"try to become the centre of his world again"... if only. It has gone way to far for that - I don't even want him near me half the time Sad.

OP posts:
Schnullerbacke · 15/12/2010 21:46

Nope, I would not put up with it. I know from experience how awful it is living with an alcoholic and I would not put my kids through the same. Don't get me wrong, my parent was and is also a functioning alcoholic and we did not have the worst childhood ever. That said, I did have to battle with my feelings a lot, still do. Kids pick up on all sorts of things and its just not fair.

I can deal with a lot of things but it would be a deal breaker for me. Your kids deserve better.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2010 21:46

he has to leave and you have to make alternative childcare arrangements

I don't like telling someone what to do in such bald terms but if you don't sort this out, your children will be taken away from you

do you properly understand the enormity of that ?

not for something you did...but for standing by and condoning something he did

I cannot say this strongly enough

in fact, if I knew the circumstances in which you as a family were living (drink driving while pissed, with children in car) I would report you to Social Services myself

I am so sorry, but you have to change this situation right now

nettlemummy · 15/12/2010 21:47

You need to tell people (including school) what is going on, they will help you and you will find that other mums have been through similar situations.
Please don't let this situation carry on, it is not right.
I hope you work this out and that he gets sober.
Alcoholism is scary and damaging to the whole family. I am sorry this is happening to you

loves2cycle · 15/12/2010 21:48

Can you just go in late tomorrow? Just as a one-off, then get the rest of the days sorted during the day tomorrow by phoning/texting friends?

If the school have already been involved, so know already about the alcohol problem, could you phone and ask the headteacher for advice as to anyone who could help you? Sometimes they know of people local to the school that can childmind? I know ours does and is really helpful.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2010 21:48

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