Is it ever possible to have a successful relationship with an active alcoholic?

[Isiteverpossible]

That's just it really... I've always known dh was a drinker but since losing his job earlier this year it has gone from bad to worse - hiding booze, mouth wash in the car, school complaining of him smelling of drink when he picked up dd ( the shame).

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. My family are overseas. His are crap and our lives are geared round him doing most of the childcare at the moment. We can't afford to pay people but I feel my kids aren't safe.

Help. Please.

Regular namechanger btw. Some people on here know me in real life and I am hideously ashamed of our situation at the moment.

Isit I have been through exactly the same thing as you. My ex used to drive my DS to school while still pissed. I didn't know for a long, long time and when I did find out, I immediately banned him from doing the school run in the morning and took that role over myself. I had to reorganise my working hours until I could get my DS into breakfast and after school clubs.

After all that, he still used to pick his own DD up from school while he was pissed. After a couple of years of living like this, I couldn't tolerate it any longer, so made him leave.

I appreciate that you're fragile at the moment, but I don't think you need to be rude to people who have the safety of your DS at the heart of their posts.

FWIW - I too had to keep my job. I had to keep it all together. I could not let my son down.

Can you use the holidays to get everything sorted out.

How far do you live from the kids school - can you at least ask dh to walk and pick them up - rather than drive?

Is he in denial about it to you or admitting it?

I think if it was me - I would ask him to move out and go to his family/friends.

Could you get a transfer to your kids school - and then you could keep them with you till you finish of a day? Or transfer your kids to the school you work at?

Or do as most of the teachers at my mum's school does - take long term sick with stress!

babehun, you know he drives drunk, which means he can kill someone's else's child, mother, father, etc, or maybe even a whole family. He shouldn't have access to a car at all.

I lost a very dear friend to a drunk driver. I cannot believe people don't report a loved one whom they know is driving around drunk. How would you feel if your child were killed by a drunk driver and you found out his/her family just stood by with no regard for other peoples' lives?

That is so whacked.

And you're okay with your kids growing up with an alcoholic?

That.blows.my.mind.

ExPinS You haven't read my posts obviously.

re the taxi - I think the schools have an agreement with the taxi company don't they - and use the same guy all the time?

No, I see what expat is saying - even though you are keeping your Ds safe by not allowing him in the car with your DH, your DH still has access to a car, despite you knowing that he drives drunk, and someone ELSE's child/parent/friend could get killed by him one day.

So in reality, he shouldn't have access to a car AT ALL, seeing as how he can't control his drinking enough not to drive afterwards.

expat she hasn't said she's okay with her children growing up with an alcoholic, that's unfair of you to put words in her mouth like that.

It's fucking hard living with an alcoholic. I knew my mum was drink driving and I didn't report her. I should have. I regret a lot of things about the way I unwittingly enabled my mum to endanger us, herself and others. But loving an alcoholic is an absolute mindfuck (OP, do you still love him?) and if you've never been in that situation yourself then I couldn't possibly explain it to you in a way that you'd understand.

That said, I DO think that the OP should leave her H and agree with everyone who has said it's an untenable situation and must be sorted immediately.

It just upsets me to see the OP getting so much judgey flack because I saw my dad struggling with the same thing and it's just incomprehensibly horrific and difficult and tied up in guilt and denial - on the non-alcoholic family memebers' part too...

This is why I hardly ever contribute to threads about alcoholism, because it's too close to home and makes me upset to the point where I'm not even sure if I'm making helpful contributions.

'expat she hasn't said she's okay with her children growing up with an alcoholic, that's unfair of you to put words in her mouth like that.'

She's obviously okay with it if she's letting it happen.

Actions speak louder than words.

I read every word of that post babehunmug.

Kids don't have a choice in matters like this, adults do.

And letting your kids grow up with an alcoholic just blows my mind. It really and truly does.

Not to mention knowing he drives around pissed, guess as long as your kids are safe it's okay to unleash him on everyone else's, and that's what people do when tehy know someone is driving pissed and don't report them.

I'm actually going to leave this thread becuase that pure fucks me off as so many are killed by drunk drivers and the drunk gets a slap on the wrist.

"And you're okay with your kids growing up with an alcoholic?" Errrrr - expat if she was okay about it, why would she be posting here? Have you noticed how many MOTHERS have posted on the alcohol abuse thread? Why not ask their partners, children or other significant people in their lives if they are okay about being brought up by someone who has issues surrounding alcohol?

Do you think that all the children of all the women who have posted on the thread who have had issues surrounding alcohol should have their children taken into care?

Why stop there? Why not remove all children from parents who have any kind of personality disorder, any kind of addiction, any kind of defect, in fact any parent who is not 100% perfect?

Yes - the drink driving thing is extremely worrying, which is presumably why the school have mentioned it in the hope that the OP will do something about it - ie make alternative arrangements for her children getting to school.

The OP is now trying to do something about it WHICH IS WHY SHE POSTED ON HERE?

Even if the OP booted him out of the house right now, you know what, he is still the father of her children and, in fact, his children may well love him and he them.

Addiction is an ILLNESS and is also a symptom of underlying issues.

OP, hope you are okay. It's bad enough having to cope with all that stuff without having complete strangers make nasty slurs on your predicament.

Not everyone makes 100% perfect life choices you know, expat. Sometimes bad things happen to people and sometimes people change.

If only we could all be married to paragons of virtue like you, the world would no doubt be a wonderful place, although most people's children would be "in care".

If you are bringing up children with an alcholic who is not in recovery, then you are okay with it, tad.

Why not ask my dead friend and others killed by drunk drivers what they think?

Oh, that's right, we can't.

But let's not be nasty now.

I'm outta here.

This whole thread is making me sick.

By the way I live near a very large council estate where there is a lot of deprevation. If I go into one of the local shops on the estate I notice the smell of booze on an alarming number of people even in the morning. If social services were to take away the children of parents who had an alcohol/drug/mental health problem they would be completely overwhelemed. Some FANTASTIC people work to help these families get out of their difficult situations and help the families stay together. They do not sit around all day on internet message boards being judgemental and threatening less than perfect parents.

I cannot believe that anyone would allow their kids to be driven by a drunk, alcoholic father even once, let alone for it to be the daily risk. I don't mean that to be bitchy, I just mean - OP, how bad have things got for you that you would accept this as even halfway reasonable? What else is going on?

no it isn't

"If you are bringing up children with an alcholic who is not in recovery, then you are okay with it, tad."

Expat - you have misrepresented what she said to suit your own agenda which is to take a pop at someone when they are down.

If she was "ok" with it, tell me why would she be writing about it with anguish on here??

She is not ok with it, so don't say she is.

I am sure the OP will try to make alternative arrangements for her children.

"If you are bringing up children with an alcholic who is not in recovery, then you are okay with it, tad."

That's a bonkers thing to say. How can you be so obtuse? So binary?

By that rationale, people who stay in their marriages after their partner has had an affair are okay with being cheated on?

Provincial lady, sorry but you are using the same tactic as expat, ie: misrepresenting what the OP has said. Where did the OP state that the situation was "even halfway reasonable?"

By suggesting that the OP considers the situation to be "even halfway reasonable" you are jumping on the bandwagon of kicking someone when they are down.

OP - make alternative travel arrangements for children and seek help. Good luck

babehunmug I cant believe what you are saying.

You have given your CHILDREN the responsibility to smell their fathers breath to judge whether to get in the car with him or not!!

Fucking hell.

I'm honestly not intending to be unkind. I know that having an alcoholic partner is a nightmare situation and it isn't generally a case of choosing an alcoholic, but one where a person becomes alcoholic over a period of time.

But if there was ever a black and white situation then letting a person who keeps mouthwash IN HIS CAR ever, ever drive a child is it. I don't care how difficult anyone's situation is, there is just no way.

And someone who is making excuses/pretending things are not catastrophically bad for their partner to that extent, is likely to be letting a whole lot of other stuff go too.

That isn't intended to be a criticism, more a point for the OP to think about.

Hi isitpossible,
Not going to judge but just wanted to urge you in the strongest possible terms to put a stop to your Dp driving, and under no circumstances whatsoever allow him/enable him to drive your children at all until (if) he is in active treatment and 'dry'.

My father was an alcoholic and regularly drove me about when drunk. My mother was not aware as it happened on his weekends of 'looking after' me.

One day he had the inevitable accident with me in the car. I wasn't seriously injured but to this day i am a terrible passenger, extremely anxious, haven't been on a plane or train for about 8 years as I have such high anxiety about being a passenger. All due to my father.

My dad only sorted himself out when people had run out of chances to give him, he had no-wher to go, emotionally or literally.
Amazing how quickly after that he managed to come off the drink!!

What you are unwittingly doing is enabling him in using alcohol to numb or ease his distress, walk away this is wh\at you can do to best help him.

My fathers drinking screwed up my teenage years, and has given me lasting anxiety.

Even though the alcohol intake stops, the effects on the young person is likely to remain.

As a teenager I became terrified of alcohol, and people under the influence. I had learnt to not trust them, to never know what to expect from them, and that nothing good would come out of their mouths.

And my father was not even really that bad. Just a jolly man who drank cognac in the evening, and indulged in long deep conversations of hate filled spite about other people in the evening, after mum had gone to bed. She was going through menopause and went to bed around 9 pm, pissed off and tired.

I agree with MW on this .My marriage ended because of alcoholism and dv.I had to decide do i stay with the man i love or do we split .It was heartbreaking for me and the family .But i had to accept my "fairytale" was over ,big time .Only when he left did i discover the amount of dysfunction involved ,when i was living it i thought it was normal but the last thing i needed was to be judged .I was enabling it by trying to keep my home stable but eventually you realise its not normal and not healthy for the kids .I loved him but as more truth about his lifestyle emerges that love is fading fast .Drink will always be first on his list ,i cant save him ,all i can do is look after me and dcs and keep them safe x

I know it's kind of an unrealistic hope - but is he actually DRUNK when driving. I know if I even have a sip of beer during lunch - my breath can stink of alcohol.

Am I not right in thinking that some alcoholics - just need a mouthful every now and then during the day to keep the shakes away and then ramp it up at night??

He might not actually be any more pissed than a yummy mummy having had 2 glasses of Chablis at lunch!

I think OP has to sit down with her H and sort it all out - and be able to state her case with evidence -so that he can't deny anything.

exPinS
I don't post my every thought, word and deed here. You probably know about ass-u-me.

OP - how you can let your DH drive your dd around while drunk is absolutely beyond me, sorry you have had such a hard time on here, but you must see how dangerous that is, not just for your dd but for anyone else he comes into contact with. Although they came across quite harsh, I do agree with expat and AF, it is irresponsible of you to let this continue and to risk losing your dd.
To answer your question, imo it is not possible to have a relationship with an alcoholic, particularly when you have dc. The alcohol will always come first, over everyone and everything else, even the alcoholics own dc.
I am the dd of an alcoholic and it totally screwed me up. I have had a string of disastrous abusive relationships throughout my whole adult life, and had to watch my dad die a slow painful death at the age of just 56
I had a 5 year relationship with an abusive alcoholic and made all sorts of excuses for him and finally got rid of him back in the summer. Its only now, at the age of 40 that I recognise the damage my dad did to me, and am trying hard to undo all the damage he did.
Do you want this for your dd? To grow up with a screwed up view of relationships and to maybe end up with an alcoholic herself.
Please go to Alanon or your GP.

Quint - read the rest of the sentence.

I'm beginning to think trolls/flamers