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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever possible to have a successful relationship with an active alcoholic?

152 replies

Isiteverpossible · 15/12/2010 21:17

That's just it really... I've always known dh was a drinker but since losing his job earlier this year it has gone from bad to worse - hiding booze, mouth wash in the car, school complaining of him smelling of drink when he picked up dd (Blush the shame).

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. My family are overseas. His are crap and our lives are geared round him doing most of the childcare at the moment. We can't afford to pay people but I feel my kids aren't safe.

Sad Help. Please.

Regular namechanger btw. Some people on here know me in real life and I am hideously ashamed of our situation at the moment.

OP posts:
QuintessentialYuleTide · 16/12/2010 16:11

babehunmug I have read your entire post. You DID let your child have that judgement call, until you saw some sense and thought of something else.
What came first? You instructing your child how to take responsibility regards their dads drunken driving, or you arranging other transport. Surely the first would not be necessary if they happened at the same time. And your dh is still driving. It seems to me you are finding ways around his alcohol abuse that enables it to continue, rather than tackling it. You are still letting alcohol be boss in your household.

babehunmug · 16/12/2010 16:20

Quint ass-u-me ing
as I said I do not post my every thought word and deed. Very interesting.....

KittyTwoShoes · 16/12/2010 16:59

OP, no matter what else, you cannot let your daughter be driven by him. Not even one more time. Even if you have to not go to work, even if you have to borrow money to pay someone. If he keeps driving drunk he is going to crash. Your daughter could be killed - this is the time to keep her safe above anything else. You'll only end up wishing you had, if you don't. Seriously, nothing is more important than her life, even jobs and money. Find a way to not let him drive her. Even if you have to keep her off school, do that. It's not the end of the world. Please don't stand by and watch him risk her life.

humanheart · 16/12/2010 18:54

No you can't have a functioning relationship with an alcoholic. As colditz said, he is already married (to booze, the whole process of being an addict). Alcoholism - or any addiction - is extremely toxic to personal relationships.

alarmed tbh at Heroine's suggestions: addicts usually sniff out an enabler and to drop everything to pander to his addiction is what enablers do: they keep it going and are part of the addiction. Addicts don't have the luxury of becoming "less active": they have to STOP, there is no middle ground. You also can't 'make' an addict stop - anyone who thinks they can is deluded: an addict has to want to stop and tbh they don't care one bit how much anyone around them is suffering because of their addiction, just as long as they get their fix.

I don't envy you isiteverpossible - this is a very hard situation to be in. But you are nothing like the first and will not be the last. AlAnon is the first port of call tbh - keep looking until you find a group that suits you.

It is very possible that the school have already reported the situation to social services (I'm so sorry) and you need to act quickly to get in first. Social Services protect the chilren's needs first and foremost and an addict in the home is a disaster. Contact womens aid who will give you some excellent advice about where to go from here. He has to leave, not you and the kids. Also try the Alcohol Advisory Service - I think that is a national org?

Please don't minimise this problem (oh well, he's down) because it is very serious, apart from the obvious danger of driving the kids around whilst drunk Sad for example. ok he's lost his job and that's hard - but many lose their job but don't develop a full-blown addiction. ie it's a reason not an excuse.

and btw you haven't 'got yourself' into this situation: he has.

good luck, be brave. think "single parent" and carve out a solution. There is a LOT of help out there. Look after you and the kids - leave him to his 'wife' who doesn't complain or make things difficult for him (I am not being bitter, just tough on the addiction)

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 17/12/2010 00:29

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santasakura · 17/12/2010 01:05

Such a sad thread.
granhands post made me sad as well, and Malificence Shock Sad

It is impossible to have relationship with an alcoholic because their first love is the booze. Alcoholics (and your dh definitely is one, I'm afraid) have to hit rock bottom before they even realize they've got a problem- that means losing their money, their family, their house- ^everything- and even then, many don't realise their alcoholism is a problem.

So I think if he wants to prove he's serious about you and the kids, he has to move out.

I'm guessing he can be scary at times? Are you frightened to ask him to move out?

Heroine · 17/12/2010 02:55

I stand by the fact that condemning an alcoholic will normally result in more drinking than less, and lower self-esteem, and I also stand by the fact that low self-esteem means getting out of alcoholism or reducing the impact of it becomes impossible.

santasakura · 17/12/2010 03:05

you understand very little about alcoholism, then Heroine,

by not condemning, you are enabling

An enabler is the last person an alcoholic needs in their life, because they can be enabled towards death

Condemning means the alcoholic has to stake stock, to know that there is a line right there that has been crossed (in this case, driving drunk with children in the car)

When they've crossed a line they need to face the consequences of their actions. We cannot baby them, or tell them what they've done is okay.

The only decent thing for this man to do, to prove he knows he's done wrong, would be for him to move out

beijingaling · 17/12/2010 04:54

Hope you are OK OP. This is obviously a tough situation to be in. You know you need to protect your children first and I hope also realise that this means your marriage and relationship with your OH have to come second to this.

I suggest you look here at the al anon family website. They have lots of support for the families of alcoholics and groups and meetings. Maybe they can help you find some clarity in this situation.

I don't think there is an easy way forward for you but good luck.

Snorbs · 17/12/2010 07:41

Heroine, your view of alcoholism doesn't match what I've heard many ex-alcoholics themselves say. Typically they have incredibly low self-esteem at the point they decide to stop drinking. Indeed, it's the desire to recover that self-esteem that is often one of the key driving forces that forces them to seek recovery.

That's not to say that one should go out of ones way to denigrate an alcoholic or other drug addict. But all the time you emotionally and financially prop up an addict and help them avoid the real consequences of their actions, you are helping that addiction to continue.

santasakura · 17/12/2010 08:55

An enabling wife is one who finds her husband blacked out in the garden at 3 a.m and who drags him in and cleans him up so the neighbours won't see.
A wife who has drawn the line is one who leaves him there, in all his glory, for everyone to see the next morning.

Which one of those two scenarios do you think will make the alcoholic stop drinking soonest?

BigTillyMincepie · 17/12/2010 09:02

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum didn't drink - disaster. He ran a woman over. Get the car key off him now and don't ever let your DD get in the car with him. Finally divorced when I was 10, but should have done it years before. I was devastated by the fact that my dad loved his whiskey more than me Sad

ginnny · 17/12/2010 11:30

Heroine - Shock I hope you are a troll, because if not you really are talking bollocks nonsense!
I'd love to give you my ex's number, he would love you!!!
When he is so drunk he can't even walk and starts abusing you and lashing out every time he doesn't get his own way you can be the one who doesn't condemn him and boost up his self esteem by telling him how great he is, then no doubt he'll stop drinking and be full of the joys!!!
UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Heroine · 17/12/2010 17:18

I am amazed that you can't see that that abuse and anger at himself comes from a very insecure and vulnerable place or understand that it takes a phenominal amount of reinforcement and belief to overcome it. As it happens I used to drink up to 40 units a day (Merrydown, grimness fans) and I had five years of male friends and girlfriends telling me I was brilliant before I believed even one of them for more than a few days - I do know what I am talking about.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2010 17:50

heroine...you do not know what you are talking about

Heroine · 17/12/2010 17:55

what's this? Stalker-flaming?

maypole1 · 17/12/2010 17:57

the only relationship an alcoholic has is with the bottle sorry but while je is dealing with "baby mamma" drama he cannot sort himself out the added pressure of having to consider you and dd is not could the only thing the addictive should be thinking of is getting better and the prize at the end if and when he gets sober is his family and not before

also i question your health wanting to be with someone is not really available to you especially having a childShock

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2010 18:05

stalker ?

no, I am on this thread too

stalking implies following someone around...not the case here

Heroine · 17/12/2010 18:08

so you admit flaming?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2010 18:11

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QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 17/12/2010 18:11

Flaming is not synonymous with disagreeing.

I think people disagree with you.

Trust an alcoholic to tell the wife of an alcoholic she needs to let him keep drinking. Hmm

Heroine · 17/12/2010 20:06

I didn't necessarily say let him drink, but just focus on dealing with what the problem is, not its symptom. We all know that taking an addictive thing away from someone who feels they need it and attacking that is just going to harden the grip on the bottle. I just advocate moving towards a state of mind and/or lifestyle where suddenly it 'oh I don't drink as much as I used to' and then to 'I can see a life with no drink' if that's what's needed. if a whipped and sorry alcoholic is reaching for the bottle, then getting told off, then waking up feeling awful, head in bits ill and paranoid.. and then getting told off, then buying more drink.. and getting told off, and sleeping it off a bit waking up feeling awful.. and then getting told off and responsibilities taken away.. and then...

do you see what I mean??

Heroine · 17/12/2010 20:09

Lets not forget HE HAS LOST HIS JOB maximum vulnerability,feeling loss of masculinity, shock of a dramatic lifestyle change, depression - etc.. the male equivalent of staying in bed eating chocolates and crying - how would you guys feel if everytime you ate chocolate your DHs told you you were fat, lazy lacked self-control couldn't be trusted and then stole your chocolates and the duvet and told you to get out of the house.. what would be your next desire?

walkinginaWUKTERwonderland · 17/12/2010 20:15

Doesn't matter how much chocolate you eat, your mental abilities stay intact and you're not putting your children in danger.
You can't reason with someone drunk.

Heroine · 17/12/2010 20:28

oh jeez I'm not talking about the drink or the chocolate I'm talking about what happens behind them, 'there's none so blind as them as won't see' springs to mind...