Is it ever possible to have a successful relationship with an active alcoholic?

[Isiteverpossible]

That's just it really... I've always known dh was a drinker but since losing his job earlier this year it has gone from bad to worse - hiding booze, mouth wash in the car, school complaining of him smelling of drink when he picked up dd ( the shame).

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. My family are overseas. His are crap and our lives are geared round him doing most of the childcare at the moment. We can't afford to pay people but I feel my kids aren't safe.

Help. Please.

Regular namechanger btw. Some people on here know me in real life and I am hideously ashamed of our situation at the moment.

OP - seek some help via GP and also other organisations that can help with addictions. Try to arrange for alternative transport methods in the event that your partner is over the limit.

AF - actually, I would agree with the OP that your responses are not only insensitive but also threatening. The OP is NOT condonding his drinking problem - you have elected to misinterpret what she has said. Not only that, you have gone on to make a further threat.

OP - your situation is not at all unusual (sadly) and there are professionals out there who will try to help, rather than judge.

If you have a sympathetic GP - try them, also AA and other organisations that can help with alcohol addiction.

Good luck - you can get through this.

So helpful - a 5 year old in a taxi...mmmm

It is possible to have a successful relationship with an alcoholic in at least some cases. I know people who've done it. It would require you to massively reduce your expectations of him. He might be there, he might not. He might be sober, he might not. It will also require you to work hard at emotionally withdrawing from his drinking and its effects. His drinking is his responsibility.

The people I've known who have managed this have achieved it by regular attendance to Al-Anon and working very, very hard. There may be other ways. Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" would also be well worth reading.

All that being said, and having had first-hand experience of being in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic, I'm not sure I could've managed all that and still kept enough respect and trust in my D(runk)P to make maintaining the relationship worthwhile. And it does tend to leave me wondering whether a relationship should be that much sodding work and with that little ability to rely on ones supposed partner.

You can't rely on an alcoholic to stay sober enough to look after their children properly. You can't rely on an alcoholic to stay sober for any particular occasion, no matter how important. So that means it all comes down onto your shoulders to organise things. It's not easy.

Thank you tadpoles, tanee and granhands and some of you lovely people who posted earlier. This has got silly now and I know what I need to do.

Great post Snorbs. Thank you.

I am not threatening anybody, for the second time

I am predicting the future if this situation is allowed to stay the same

'So helpful - a 5 year old in a taxi...mmmm'

Plenty of people in this building do it.

The taxi comes, the kids get in.

But hey, go ahead and keep telling me what a bitch I am.

Preserving a relationship with an alcholic at all costs is a choice the kids don't have.

I'm sure plenty of children of alcoholics will be along to tell you just how fucked up their upbringing was living with one.

hi isit!, im sorry this thread went a bit tits up!

i am the alcoholic in our marriage - since my dh gave me a 'point of no return' ultimatum, i have stopped drinking and we are working on our marriage

you havent said whar you want long term!, do want to stay married?, do you think you can cope with a drinking alcholic?

our dd is older than yours, i must say though, if dh had thought for one minute that i was driving her while drunk i think he would have killed me!

do speak to al-anon, my dh goes and finds it really helpful - please dont be ashamed, you havent caused his drinking and you cant stop it either, all you can do is point out to him just what he faces losing if he dosnet stop! - i wish you luck, you have been dealt a shitty hand!

No, AF, you're not being helpful and lovely, now.

Can you call in sick at work tomorrow? It would give you a days breathing space.

Talk to the school, ask for help.

Get signed off work, I did when my marriage imploded, then I took some holiday. In the time off I managed to get some things put in place.

Don't feel that everyone is getting at you, we just want to help.

I know how hard it is, I remember sobbing to my auditor (!) It was awful when it finally happened, like someone had died, but I managed and when the dust had settled my life was a million times better.

I wish the same for you, a happy, peaceful life x

i have to say, i would rather a 5 year old in a taxi with a sober driver than in the family car with a drunk father!

IEP, sorry to hear you're having to deal with this. Snorbs had some great advice. Also, look at the sticky posts on this forum I found it immensely helpful when I was in a relationship with an alcoholic.

But, please. Don't let him drive the kids or let him look after the kids on his own. Their physical safety is paramount here. I know you know that. Please act on that knowledge.

Goodnight, IsItEver, and good luck. Priority, get some childcare, then get yourself to AlAnon. They really can help. They've kept me sane for a year now, and my DP is showing signs of improvement where I thought, a few months ago, we had no hope. But the most important thing is, do something to ensure your children's safety. DH is probably massively depressed, an ex-drinker I met in AlAnon said she's never met an alcoholic who wasn't depressed. But he must NOT be in charge of the kids whilst he's drunk. Even if he could at least stop drinking during the day, that would be a start. You have some hard choices ahead and I do wish you luck. Let us know how you get on.

My DH is an alcoholic and has been dry for at least 4 years now. It hasn't been easy and much of what you've posted resonates with me. I'm pretty sure my husband was drunk when he drove me home from hospital with our newborn. Before anyone attacks me, I had NO idea he'd been drinking (or indeed that he was an alcoholic) at the time.

I go to a fantastic support group for the carers/families of addicts and I am going to send you a PM on the off-chance you can get to one of our meetings. Otherwise, Al-anon is an alternative but one I have no experience of.

Our relationship is pretty strong these days but my DH was able to recover with the help of AA. If he hadn't, I'm pretty sure we would have split. Happy to talk more if you want but I'm not sure how helpful this thread has become.

OP, my dh has recently moved out because of his drinking. The final straw was coming home to find him comatose on neat vodka while the DCs slept upstairs. I'd tried to save the relationship on a number of occasions, but he would only go for help when I threatened to kick him out, but as soon as he felt it was 'save' again, he started drinking.

The sad thing is that an alcoholic's relationship with booze is far more important to them than the relationship with their family and the safety of their children. IMO its almost impossible to have a good relationship with an alcoholic as they take your willingness to put up with it and use it to feed their denial.

Its tough, but once you've got the hard part out of the way (his leaving) you will find a weight lifted off your shoulders, even though it will be you alone with your dd. Its horrible just before the break and bloody hard work all around, especially with the DCs who don't understand why DH has gone.

Can you look into before and after school clubs? I am using a local childminder to pick DCs up from school at the moment as I'm still deciding whether to move them to another school closer to where I work or one with a before and after school club.

Thinking of you as its bloody hard.

You are in a shit situation.
Do you think it may affect your career if social services are called in? The way I see it you need to address the childcare issues pronto. If your husband moves out, and you are a single parents, you might be entitled to some benefits, or tax credits. You will most likely be entitled to the childcare element of working tax credits to help with after school care, breakfast club, ofsted registered childminder, etc. But it is important that you address the issue of your childrens transport to school, and after school care. Good luck

So you know that he drives your child while drunk.

And you're going to wait to think things through.

Because, of course, there's no way your h could have an accident in the next few days.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand how can you knowingly let your daughter be driven by a drunk. Even if it's just once.

And, btw, I am sympathetic to the whole situation and I feel very sorry for you.

But.

Your daughter's safety must come first, ffs.

no my sisters ex bf died through drink and the one shes seeing now is really ill too do not let him pick dd up at all

FWIW i never had the guts to post my story ,i just thought folk would shout me down for being a doormat .My X wouldnt give up the drink /pub for his family .I had to accept that and move on.This year has been the toughest one yet for me but i am 12 mths seperated and i have made the break.I was never going to be happy living with an alcoholic and life is 2 short .I owe it to my dcs to bring them up in a calm peaceful home .It might have been a struggle but what kept me going was knowing i was creating a more stable childhood for my kids .I jumped out of the cycle of dysfunction ,you can too,you can jump off this merry go round anytime you like ,remember children dont have that choice,they rely on us.He might sober up he might not ,but the sky wont fall in if youre on your own,there is nothing to fear but fear itself ,Take care of yourself the journey of a thousand miles does indeed start with a single step x

My cousin had her children removed by social services. She turned up one too many times smelling of alcohol at the school then she got done for drink driving with her daughter in the car. My aunt reported her.

Don't let your husband drive your daughter drunk. Take his keys.

Does he admit to having a problem? Will he go to AA? Until he hits rock bottom and wants help, he won't seek it. You can't fix him.

Because of DH's drinking - often lunchtime onwards I took DH off the contact list that DC's school has and replaced DH with DC's classmate's mum - after asking her if OK - she knows our situation.

I have given DC instructions never to get in a car with DH if he thinks he has been drinking but because I don't want him to have to make that decision I make sure that either I or a good trustworthy friend can collect DC. I've even begun to think I shouldn't let DH even occasionally take DC in the morning.

I am going to change my will so that my share of house etc goes straight to DC in trust if necessary so that if I die DH can't remortgage/sell the house to fund his drinking habit.

If I need to go out in the evening I will either get a babysitter or ask a friend if DC can go to their house while I'm out. I don't get out much.

My therapist made it very clear that she would have to report us to Social Services if she was aware DC had been in a car with a drunk driver.

Its a bad situation and it can be tiring making sure that all possible eventualities have been covered.

Stay strong and find positive ways to deal with what gets thrown at you. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Isitever - it is a horrible thing you have to deal with - but you do need to face the fact that if your DH is prepared to drive with your DD in the car, while drunk, to whatever level, then he is either a shit Dad or his drinking IS out of control.

If it were under control, he would not drink until he had picked her up. He cannot stop himself before he picks her up, therefore it is out of his control.

However you manage it, whether you get someone else to drive her or whatever, you have to stop him driving her around while he is under the influence because God forbid anything happen while he has her in the car.

I think it is possible to have a relationship with an alcoholic, but only a recovering one (i.e. a dry one). One that puts drinking ahead of his/her family (and especially their safety) - no. Not possible.

I hope you find a way through this and that your DH finds another job before he really loses it, because he sounds like he's well on the way to that state.

My mother was killed by a drunk driver after taking me to school one morning when I was 5.
Do you want the next victims of a drunk driver to be your children, with your husband the man who kills them?
That's what it boils down to , the lives of your children are at risk from the one man who is supposed to love them above all else.

You obviously can't handle the truth of the matter, I hope the school reports him.

No, I don't think you can or should continue a relationship with an active alcoholic.

My mum was an alcoholic for 20 years before the drink killed her. My dad stuck by her through some absolutely insane and disgusting behaviour - violence (perpetrated by her), drink driving and court appearances when she was banned, emotional abuse. At the time I think my dad thought he was being a good, loyal husband and sticking by his marriage vows: 'in sickness and in health, for better, for worse', etc. But in hindsight he can see, and has said that, in fact all he succeeded in doing was enabling her, not helping her.

To be fair, my brother and I were no better - we pandered to her behaviour a lot too as we loved her and thought we were helping.

What we should have done as a family is kicked her out and let her hit rock bottom. Maybe then she would have had the 'moment of clarity', who knows. We made it too easy for her to keep being an alcoholic.

My advice to you, especially if you have young kids, is to leave, leave, leave. Now. And don't look back until he is in recovery and is commited to remaining so.

I wish you good luck.