Is it ever possible to have a successful relationship with an active alcoholic?

[Isiteverpossible]

That's just it really... I've always known dh was a drinker but since losing his job earlier this year it has gone from bad to worse - hiding booze, mouth wash in the car, school complaining of him smelling of drink when he picked up dd ( the shame).

I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. My family are overseas. His are crap and our lives are geared round him doing most of the childcare at the moment. We can't afford to pay people but I feel my kids aren't safe.

Help. Please.

Regular namechanger btw. Some people on here know me in real life and I am hideously ashamed of our situation at the moment.

Deep breath, keep calm.

1. do you know any other parents with whom you could drop off your kids in the morning and pick them up after work?

1. have you talked to DH about his drinking during the day?

1. do you WANT to maintain your marriage?

You need to decide whether you want to keep a relationship with DH, before deciding your next move.

ANyfucker that is fucking harsh. I know I asked for help but threats like that are really not constructive.

I KNOW I am in the shit.

this man is not a "functioning" alcoholic

he is a well-established, out of control alcoholic

No - you are wrong. He is not out of control. He is functioning... impaired yes but functioning. Many of our friends are ignorant of the fact.

I am not defenging him btw. It is a shit situation but facts are facts and he is not out of control. Yet

Your DC are first here, as you know.

If you do want to maintain your marriage, it's paradoxically the same course of action you must take as if you don't. He has to move out. Hopefully that'll be the shake he needs to sort himself out.
If he stays at home with you he will probably sink lower, because he can, all the while you will resent him more and more for the damage he is doing.

Your first problem, as I see it, is childcare. A practical problem with a defined solutiom which you can sort out, while your back brain is working on the emotional stuff.

It's horrible, horrible for you. But you can limit the damage here.

OP, I am not threatening you

I am telling you what will happen if you continue to condone your husbands out of control drinking and the fact that he risks his childrens life by driving them when drunk

you will lose control of the situation very quickly when someone reports you (and they will...sooner rather than later)

the school will probably be obliged to do it quite soon, I am afraid

What do YOU want to happen - do you want to stay with him? And in the short term, can you find someone else to do the school run? Could the school help?

Well, as a teacher I am fully aware of the way the school will handle it. I have even discussed it with my headteacher...

do you mean the childrens headteacher or your own headteacher ?

what was his/her advice ?

was it to continue the way you are ?

www.alcoholandfamilies.org.uk/documents/2/Child-Protection2.htm

Not sure you are correct AF but I appreciate the sentiment.

You are all right. I must pull my torn popsocks up and act like the adult here.

Shit

Walking is right - your dcs' safety is the priority here. And if DH won't get help, and will even imperil his children, then really, for all your sakes, the next move IS to give him an ultimatum - get help or go. It really IS the only way - otherwise you are enabling him to continue to self-destruct. Believe me - I know.

Link again

Itsever, how is it harsh? He is driving drunk with your kids in the car? Do you realise the head or the teachers can and just might report your family to SS?

He has to own his addiction before anything can change, so all this 'the need for booze will wash away' in Heroine's post is bullshit.

What AF said.

At this point, he has to go or there's a not impossible chance you will lose your children - if he doesn't have an accident with them in the car and kill them and possibly someone else first.

OP, my exh is a recovering alcoholic.

I found out he was leaving my 9 year old DS alone at night while I was working and going to the pub. That is how low they can get.

He left me with £19000 worth of debt, this was nothing compared to what he did to my poor boy.

He lost his wife, child and home and it still did not stop him drinking.

Someone that has a relationship with alcohol like he did does not have room in his life for anything else.

You have to be the strong one, the responsible one, the one who steps up and stops this from happening to your children.

Take care.

look, if he is driving drunk, and the school are aware, they are obliged to inform the police

they won't want to take on any of the liability if they knowingly let him take them in the car when pissed...and something awful happens

thy will protect themselves and the children jointly first and I am afraid you and your husband come a very lowly second (as it should be)

As I said expat - I am a teacher and I am fully aware of how a school would approach this issue.

Heroine is talking crap - we all agree that.

Why ? I have the right to be angry. Not your problem. I am just asking for advice and support. I don't need scolding... this is not an aibu thread.

Tanee, granhands thank you.

I'm angry with him, that he's driving your kids around whilst drunk.

You asked it's possible to have a successful relationship with an alcoholic.

EVERYONE has told you no.

But you're not interested in hearing that.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

OK, I am sorry to harp on about the drink driving but it is paramount you stop that from happening immediately

the rest of your family problems take 2nd priority to firstly making your kids safe

and when you appear to be defensive about that, people cannot understand why

just because you are a teacher it doesn't give you any special dispensation if you are not protecting your children...the authorities will rightly treat you just like any other parent who fails to do that

You need to get practical isitever, and get yourself sorted for the next few days. Busy time at school so you probably can't take a few days off, or go in late, but you do need to make sure all drop offs and collects are covered by someone other than DH.

Focus on that for now.

IsItEver, I am not scolding you - but you still have not said whether you want to continue your relationship with DH. If you do, you will have to take drastic measures, with the risk that they will not lead to a happy ending. I don't believe it IS possible to have a 'happy' marriage with an active alcoholic. You can have a marriage, but not happy, as the drink will always come first. It is, in fact, the 'other woman', and you, your children, your life together, will always come a poor second.

SO - you need to be hard headed and pragmatic, and decide what you want.

Do you want your children to be safe? Then you find other childcare. You are a teacher, so you have seen a slice of life in your work. You know what resources are out there. Use them. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Better that, than to have your children in an accident.

Do you want DH to get help? Tell him so. If he won't, tell him to leave. He may have to have every support stripped away from him - including your support - before he will seek help. And be prepared for him carrying on drinking, even then. Alcoholism is a cruel mistress, she doesn't let go easily.

What do YOU want?

Can your DH's family help with school runs, after school?
A lot of the children/parents you come into contact with, as a teacher, must use afterschool. Can you get recommendations from them?

This is your main problem for now.

Ok - I am going to bed now.

expat - I am NOT in denial. I KNOW there is a problem. I came on here to find out if anyone else has managed to save a relationship. The answer was no. Point taken.

AF - I have never said I deserve special dispensation because I am a teacher. What a load of shit. If you read my posts you will see that I said I have discussed it with my head teacher. I know the way the school will deal with it if it comes to that. Probably better that ou do with respect but I am not planning on it coming to that.

Thank you those who gave me kindly thought out advice and honest appraisal. I am fucking fragile at the moment and I am grateful for those of you who recognised that.

YES - the drink drive thing is a fucking nightmare. You try going to work and trying to keep life going with that going through your mind. I HAVE to keep my job. I can't afford not to. I can't afford wrap around care at the moment and it will be a nightmare conversation to have with him. But have it I must. Term ends on Friday and I can think this through with a bit of space.

To those pontificators amongst you... good night. Happy **ing Christmas.

Get your kids a taxi in the morning and afternoon. Call and arrange one now.

Or take your chances.