"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi, I hope it is okay if I post on here? I've not been through a quarter of what some of you have (long time lurker, and really in awe of how far a lot of you have come) but just need to share some things with people who understand.

I am the only child between my mum and dad-they split when I was 3 or 4 (not sure). Both found new partners and had more children so I have 5 siblings now.

When I was around 4 or 5, my step-dad moved in with me and mum. He had a foul temper- if he became irritated, he lashed out. He kicked me in the thigh once for swinging my legs when it irritated him. My dad (when I visited him) asked what the huge bruise was and I told him. I was 5, had no concept of telling anything other than the truth. My dad went ballistic, told my step-dad never to hurt me again. When my dad went, my mum said 'oh well done' to me... ...blamed me for telling my dad. The next time he punched/ kicked me, my mum begged me not to tell my dad.

I have a lot of anger around this- as effectively she valued him more than me. She might not have liked him physically lashing out at me, but she didn't stop him/ leave him/ show me that she was on my side. She made me feel guilty for telling about it. Actually I got drunk at about age 17 and told my mum that step-dad used to hurt me, her reply was 'what did you want me to do? Leave him?!' I've never mentioned it since.

He was the same with my sister (his bio child) so don't think it was a step issue. Though my sister has had her every whim granted since being about 2 or 3 years old. As I got older, he stopped physically punishing me, but still lashed out at my sister- so I tended to step in to defend her.

Sorry, think I'm rambling now. The thing is, I don't particularly blame my step-dad. He had a shit upbringing himself, and he has really reined himself in and though he gets angry he doesn't seem to get physical with the younger siblings now. I am however quite angry with my mum. She was the one who should have protected me. If my husband ever kicked one of our daughters he'd be out of the door.

I saw my dad every weekend growing up, but from me being very young (4ish) every Saturday with him was spent in the pub, him drinking and me entertaining myself. He eventually met his now wife, only 10 years older than me, and they have had children together. I was pretty much pushed out, but not by my step-mum, just by my dad's thoughtlessness. For eg, when their second child was born, a notice went in the paper saying 'a little sister for X (my step-brother) and no mention of me. . Also his 'new' children did not spend all day in the pub at weekends inhaling 2nd hand smoke, seeing their dad get drunk, and reading all the time to try and get out of the situation.

I love my parents but still angry with them. I'm trying to do some work for myself, (I've had counselling before, but could do with more I think, though we can't afford) looking at 'homecoming' by John Bradshaw and the Lucia Cappachione book, but am finding it hard. For example, for some reason I have this thing in my back of my mind that I may have been sexually abused- (I'm so sorry to all of you that have been, I feel awful saying this) but I can't get to any memories,if I think about it I feel sick and defenses kick in. It's more a feeling than a specific memory. And if it's not real then that makes me pretty mental doesn't it? Making it up? So much I can't remember about being young. Also I had a very strong memory of my mum dragging me away from my dad and him hanging onto me, but my mum told me that never happened- so if I'm wrong about that I could be wrong about other things.

Sorry for the massive outpouring, I just don't have anyone to talk to in RL apart from DH and don't like telling him some of these things. I push him away a lot. And much as I love my children, I adore them, but I often try and 'get away' from them because I'm terrified that I might be unintentionally doing them damage because I'm so messed up. My mum you see does not have a clue why I have no self esteem (constantly put down by her) or as to why I've been depressed since age 14, she seems genuinely baffled by it. I am still very close to my mum, and just trying now to step out from her shadow and do things my way instead of (failing to do) things her way. See my dad once every couple of months too.

Sorry again for length, medal for those who got the end any advice most welcome.

Snowdrop that is very sad. I hope your sister gets through her section okay.

Welcome Phisfoodaddition

It sounds like you had a dysfuncational family growing up. Some people believve that by changing your behaviour you can change you childhood famile members behaviour. I think it is important to find yourself and then look at how they treat you now and what you would like to change. Counciling can help but it will never change what happened in the past. I hope you continue to post as it realy can help get thing out and you can then work throught it. It helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. I hope it helps you to post too.

I need some hand holding today
I'm worried about my sister, I'm worried about my mum calling me, i have a feeling of foreboding
I'm worried that my mum and dad will hurt my sister by insulting her children because they had donner egg IVF and my Dad does not class her new children as part of his family because they are not his blood
I'm worried she will not be able to cope and that i will not have much to do with her family. Then i think how mean she was to me and know i should keep my distance.

I feel so sad because it i had a normal family i would be at my mum's and be there to help my sister and her family but we are not we are dysfunctionable family and it upsets me that i cant be a good sister because they just dont get how a family should be

I just cant change them

(((hug))) snowdrop. I know that sense of foreboding when expecting a phone call all too well. Could you perhaps use every opportunity you find yourself fretting to practise visualising your shield?

You know yourself best - would taking the time to rehearse possible conversations make you over think/fret more or be helpful to calm yourself down? (Me, I get into an over thinking spiral where I get more wound-up, hence me finding a mantra I can just repeat as soon as I notice myself doing it!)

Welcome Phish - others will come by with far better advice than me as I'm just starting along this road myself :)

The homecoming book was recommended on another thread recently, I've been eyeing it myself. Having read a few reviews though, it seems it can open a lot up and if you had a particularly bad childhood it's recommended to go through it at the same time as seeing a therapist. If you feel you might have some repressed memories, it might be a good idea to get proper counselling rather than trying to battle through on your own?

I keep thinking "dont get into a conversation" just take the information and say bye and hang up. "Dont let them in".

The shield vis med is good and i have been doing it alot latly. I like medatation. I just cant shake that feeling of foreboding

I dont think my mum will call as information is power and she will hold the information and say well you dont call me so you dont know. Or well she was stupid for have ivf at her age so no one cares what happens to her She/exmum has said this to me over xmas.

They really dont care about their children

If they had cared about us then they would not have neglected us as children.

Snowdrop, Thoughts for your sister today. Keep yourself safe from it all, be in nature, a part of the universe, it shrinks stuff sometimes.

Hello Phish. The John Bradshaw book is VERY tough going. I would really suggest finding someone to help you through the process. Try the GP. Perhaps print off you post on here and show the GP, so you don't have to speak these very tough words.

It may be that you could get help on the NHS, like I did. I don't think I could have got through it alone, especially not in the early stages.

Please don't under estimate what happened to you. There is no grade of dysfunction and abuse....it's all wrong and all so damaging and hurtful. It's funny, SO many people who come onto this thread start by underplaying what happened to them. I did too.

There may be a good chance that there are buried memories. If this is the case, don't rush it. Your subconscious will only let it out when you are ready. Trust yourself. That's very hard for those of us who "don't really exist"

Keep posting.

"It's funny, SO many people who come onto this thread start by underplaying what happened to them."

I find I've been doing that a lot this week too, in my own mind. I think I've read so many bad experiences now that mine seems quite tame in comparison (but then again perhaps I'm in a different grief stage now - I've done anger, now I'm in denial ).

But then I remind myself that the constant subtle undermining has done a significant amount of damage. And that at the same time, the "you were lucky, you didn't have it so bad, it wasn't real abuse" is my mother's voice gaslighting me, not my own.

At the same time, I am very grateful that I escaped some of the horrific abuse others on here have experienced and am full of empathy and admiration for the progress everyone's made to reassert control over their own lives.

Morning all.

..and Welcome Phish. x

I am reading, but my head seems to be full of cotton wool today, so am having problems managing to make a coherent sentence regarding this 'family' stuff.

Maybe my brain has decided just to not deal with it all today??

Snowdrop, I have had 3 c/sections and all have been Ok. I'm sending your sis' some positive thoughts anyway though. x

Harry Thomas and Finn Rory were born just after 11 today. Mum and babies are all ok

My mum and Dad keep trying to call me so i have turned all my phones to off or silent. I just dont want to talk to them. I'm feeling guilty and wrong and upset and confused. I'm happy for my sister and her family but a little sad as i know there are problems that my sister cant see and that they will be affected but the stuff my exfamily will do

Put i cant save them and its none of my business is it?

I just feel down about all of it.

snowdrop , good luck for your sister , im sure they will be fine.

Today i saw my mother at a bus stop . I was driving past.
As soon as i was out of her line of sight , i had to pull over because i felt sick and was shaking so much.

I went nc from her nearly 6 years ago , and she still has this "power" over me.

((((hugs))))) Droves

I feel shaky when my phone rang and it came up as Dad. I couldn't even turn it off i just let it ring as i was scared i would accidently anwser it and i just dont want to talk to them.

Then the house phone went and the same i know it was them and i just couldn't anwser it.

I hate that they have that reaction in me as i want to be strong but i just end up feeling sick at the thought of having to talk to them. I dont want to be drawn in to it ever again.

Thats the thing , i dont want to be drawn back ever , too.

Im feeling quite ashamed of myself , here i am , mid- 30's , and just the sight of her makes me feel like a terrified 10 year old again.

Once i'd calmed down , i started to get quite angry . How dare she come into my town ? (she lives about 20 miles away). That passed , now im just worried about what shes up to? I dont trust her one bit , and am now too afraid to answer the door.
I'll be glad when we can move into our new house, the renovations are nearly finished and it should only be a few more weeks. Then they wont find us.

When does this feeling end ?. Snowdrop , your afraid to answer your phone and im cowering behind the sofa .... What a pair eh?

Hi, Phish. I just wanted to tell you I share your feelings about sexual abuse. There's every objective reason to think my father sexually abused me but I've no such memories - in fact, I have hardly any childhood memories at all.

I've found it helpful to learn why the definitions of child sexual abuse have been broadened to include inappropriate language and misplaced 'affection' - since children haven't got a sexuality with which to process such behaviours, they jar with the child and cause feelings of frear & confusion. It is also true that adults behaving & talking inappropriately to children have poor boundaries where sexuality is concerned, and are therefore more likely to go on to physical touching. I had a flashback once that came out of the blue - I can't relate it to any known events and it hasn't happened again. This doesn't make me delusional, though! Therapists say the mind protects itself for good reasons.

If your sister isn't in denial, it might be worth trying to edge towards the topic with her.

I'm sorry you had the misfortune to get lumbered with parents who, by the sound of things, are children themselves.

Apologies to everyone whose posts I'm reading and would like to respond to - my head needs a break from the Stately Home for a while longer! x

garlicbutter i have big holes in my past too.
Some years i just cant remember. So i know what you have to live with (at least a little bit). Its horrible.

I have a strange issue with spoons.
I am frightened of big spoons,(soup spoons , desert spoons) . I cant eat with them. I have to use tea-spoons instead.
Although i do have ocd , the spoon thing is different, its not just ocd .
I dont remember much , but i have a very vauge memorey/feeling that as a child i was force fed and was gagging/choking on a spoon.

Thank you for all your kind messages of welcome.

Snowdrop I'm glad your sister and her babies are all well. Sorry it's been such a tough day for you though.

Garlicbutter something you said in your post really hit a nerve with me- I think since I was very young I was sort of inadvertantly exposed to my mum and step-dad's sex life. I used to stay awake very late and hear things I shouldn't- also if we were on holidays and all sharing a room they would still have sex and talk about it thinking that I was asleep. I never thought of that as abusive before, and I guess they never knew but it still had an impact- perhaps that's where these uneasy feelings come from? My dad was very affectionate with me which also felt uncomfortable- but as my mum didn't go in for cuddles and kisses, maybe it was the contrast that felt strange? I can't picture anyone in my family being sexually abusive, but there's just this uneasy feeling deep inside.

ThisishowIfeel thank you for the advice. I maybe do tend to play it down a bit, because I don't like other people to judge my family, and that's why it's hard to share it all with DH. I've already had a course of counselling on the NHS, so think they would be reluctant to give me more. I found that through the counselling I couldn't stop crying, and I went for about 6 months. Now though, I find it hard to cry and feel more angry than sad- not sure if that is progress!

Hi RD and Mizzy.

Droves I'm sorry you had to come across your mother like that today, must have been a hell of a shock, no wonder you felt like hiding. It sounds like you had food forced into your mouth at some point on a big spoon- not suprized you have a thing about them now.

I'm worn out with all this thinking so think I'm going to try and switch off tonight with a large glass of wine, a slab of chocolate and a good book! Wishing you all a nice peaceful night.

Hi How is everyone today?

I'm still hiding from the phone. I wanted to move and not tell them where or when i was go but no one wants to buy our house yet so we have to wait a bit longer

It never stops does it

Snowdrop - can you change your phone number or get caller ID until you do sell? Might help you to relax a little.

I'm with vergin media and they dont do caller id and my husband does not want to change our number just because of them

You can with Virgin Media - it costs £2.05 a month extra. Might well be worth the cost: Calling Features

According to money saving expert forums you might be able to get it for free too:

"You might be able to get Caller Display for free if you call up and tell them both BT and Sky offer this for free. This is how I got my Caller Display for free."

Alternatively, get an answerphone and screen calls for a while?

Or, be mentally prepared to pick up and immediately hang up if one of them answers - don't even get involved in any conversation.

Hello everyone,
That's a hard one about the phone, Snowdrop. You want to hear it for other possible calls. But if the phone ringing is a trigger for anxiety then I'd let myself have an anxiety free appointment and turn it off for a set period of time. Assured peace.

I'm glad the babies were born without difficulty. Your sister may have a new perspective on life developing in the next few days, months, years, don't you think?

Droves, I hope you have been able to detox from your brush with contact with the toxic one. How long does it take you to recover? Sometimes for me, it takes over a week - if it is a phone call; but just a couple of days for a letter. Look forward, not back. (Is that a mantra? )

Hi Rubber Duck, Mizzy. I am buying more stepping stones for my backyard. I paint them different colors and line them up. My 3 yo loves them.

I am trying to work on stopping the self-sabotage in my quest for healthy life choices-nutrition and exercise mostly.

Teach ... it depends how i have been feeling anyway.

Last time i saw my brothers it took a few months to get over it . But i actually spoke to them , and they were trying to get me to talk to mother who was hiding in farmfoods.
.
I dont suppose it would take that long this time , as she didnt spot me (i think) as i was driving past her.I didnt have to speak to her.

I just feel a bit empty now , its reminded me that thing are not supposed to be this way .

Love the mantra ... LOOK FORWARD NOT BACK ! LOOK FORWARD NOT BACK ! LOOK FORWARD NOT BACK !

Congratulations snowdrop on your new nephews ! .

Hope everyone has a peaceful , toxic free weekend !