"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Oh my effing god garlicbutter - is there anything more painful than having your experience totally invalidated?

Can't have happened? Maybe it was a joke? 'Only' happened once?

I'm not a violent person but not sure if I wouldn't have lashed out at someone giving me that shit.

Sorry, am very good at getting angry on behalf of others but not my own eperience, bit crazy that.

Feel a bit daft still talking about this because I had the great luxury of knowing what happened to me was def. very wrong.

My birth parents were taken to court over their abuse of me (nearly starved to death for one) Remember one of the court assessors asking me if I was sure I hadn't watched too many horror films at one point.

What I was trying to say is I've never had to have the courage of confronting the sick people who called themselves my parents, thank god.

Remember one of the court assessors asking me if I was sure I hadn't watched too many horror films at one point.
Aargh :(

Nah, I got to the point (after yeeeaaarrrs of therapy) where it was important to me to SAY my stuff to mum, in a way that wouldn't make her storm out. It was very hard work but I'm glad of it. I was curious to see what she'd say. Net result: I'm now convinced she does, indeed, have a PD. She's not the inhuman bastard my father was, but she's totally fucking insane. She heard me - job done for me. She feels she's "done her bit" for me - job done for her, which leaves the rest of our lives pleasantly blame-free, as far as it goes.

I'm contemptuous of her. I resent being in this pickle because I had the misfortune to be born to a pair of nutcases. Like you, I get VERY angry about abuse, unthinking or otherwise, and will rpobably never get off that particular soapbox. We have another similarity, too - my granny loved me unconditionally, and is probably the reason I am able to work this out. She was bonkers as well - she raised a psychopath, after all - but she loved me as children should be loved :)

I have to say I'm struggling to envision a life full of people who're only averagely mad! I imagine I will know far fewer people, and perhaps less intimately, but it'll be nice to stay off the rollercoaster.

"my granny loved me unconditionally, and is probably the reason I am able to work this out. She was bonkers as well - she raised a psychopath, after all - but she loved me as children should be loved "

That's exactly it!! Without my granny's love and intervention I'm convinced I would not be the fully functioning responsible citizen I am today.

I had other help along the way of course but knowing there was somebody on my side was a huge encouragement.

Even when I was tiny I remember her protecting me. Although yes, she did raise a total sadist for a daughter.

Wish I could work that out but I've never been given any background to my real family at all.

Isn't it absolutely incredible though that my parents managed to find each other since they were such a good match for their enjoyment of torturing their first born

I dont think you can hold a mother responisable how her children turn out because at some point the child will make their own desisions and view of the world. Some people are just evil and some are thick (my pearents).

I do not waste my time trying to put logic and reason when there just isn't any, if there was then my mum and dad would not have done what they did.

I have talked to my sister and she had a show today and she told me that my mum and other sister have gone on holiday and my Dad is at home but he does not want to look after her son when her and her husband are in the deliver room

I'm sure that they did it on perpouse and now my sister is worried about what to do with her son when she goes in to labour. Beaccuse she had IVF my Dad will not accept her new babies so is not willing to help. She still wants a relationship with these people even when they treat her like this.

Its just bonkers. She will get no help from that family at all.

They will look after my ex-brothers dog when my SIL goes in labour but they cant look after their first grandchild.

My sister told me that they are not bother that they will not see me ever again but they are missing my son as "he is just a baby".

I told her my son is not missing them and they are right they will not see me or my family again.

Didn't have a very good day yesterday. :(

Mother still not in touch (which is frankly a relief) but the kids were vile from the moment they got home - culminating in eldest running upstairs, slamming his door and screaming at me through the door. Which triggered me being vile back - really not my greatest parenting moment - pretty much channelled my mother throughout.

Once he'd calmed down and come downstairs, I ended up going upstairs for a good, private cry. I hate that I'm perpetuating the same cycles. Though this morning at least I can see it with a little more perspective and see that generally my parenting is better than that and yesterday was a rare event, I still feel upset and angry with myself.

But Rubberduck, the difference, and it's a fundamental difference, is that you are aware.

You're allowed to get emotional and react to things, that's normal! But you were aware that perhaps in an ideal world, it could have been better for everyone to behave in a different way. Perfection is unattainable. You did the best you could at the time. As you say, this is rare.

Don't be hard on yourself.

I am so shocked at your story Bibi. I hope you find that posting here helps you. :(

Hi RubberDuck

You do realise it's Ok to say sorry to your kids if you have an outburst don't you? x

When I lose it and revert to learnt behaviour I often talk to my kids after I've calmed down a bit and apologise for the way I expressed myself...

I don't apologise for being angry as usually my anger is justified, it's my way of expressing it that gets a bit messed up. I will readily apologise for being overly nasty or bringing my anger down to a personal level.

My lot are pre-teens and teens though and know I have/had a very difficult relationship with my parents...they know I was taught some pretty crap behaviour and am trying not to pass it on to them, so when I apologise they know where I am coming from.

Problem is because we know how we felt when our own parents did this type of stuff I think we feel our kids hurt far more than the 'average' non dysfunctional family person...to them the outburst is just a 'blip' in an otherwise loving family to us it feels like the end of the world.

Be kind to yourself RubberDuck...remember it's a 'blip' not a way of life anymore. xx

Yes, that's the one thing I do try very hard to do - apologise when I screw up with them. I think as well that I'm really tired at the moment which isn't helping matters - need to look after myself a bit better and get some early nights.

Meh. New day today with no mistakes in it.

The issue of anger is important isn't it? We weren't allowed to be angry, probably weren't allowed to be/feel anything.

In my therapy, I was given permission to express my anger, and I just curled my knee up to my body, folded my arms and became silent and embarrassed. I simply couldn't express the anger that I know is there. It's made me very ill over the years.

Anger is ok, and normal.

That's a good point. Which worries me that I react so badly to my ds1's anger - it's not going to stand him in good stead if he learns to suppress his either (although it does have to be said that doesn't seem to be an issue so far )

I often wonder if my ME/Fibromyalgia is anger related thisishowifeel, the stress of holding it all in for so long??

I know stress makes everything flare up so I have no choice but to 'opt out' for a while...it's like I had adrenaline overload for so long my body has developed it's own way of making me rest??

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I have no idea what is going on with my family...just had a very odd phone call...

I have been NC with my sister for well over 3 years....minimum contact for 2 years before that.

5 mins ago the local hospital phoned here to make an appt' for her as my phone number was given to them as her contact number???!!!

We are ex-directory...the only way anyone would have this number is if they are given it....sister still has her maiden name so there is no way to 'link' us unless you know us both!!

I presume I am now supposed to go all out to check she is Ok???

Meh, I fancy gardening instead today!

Okay - so best practice strategies for when your kid is angry at you and screaming abuse?

Flipping back through my holy bible (How to Talk.. ), I think maybe I need to just say "I can see that you're angry" and then back the hell off for both our sakes?

But then that tends to lead to him sulking in his room and that's a trigger too (silent treatment from my mother).

I really want to learn to change my responses here, because I can see this becoming a much larger issue as he enters teenage years. Any tips?

Gardening sounds a fab plan, Mizzy :) Especially if that then puts you out of hearing range of the telephone!

Do you find it hard showing emotion to others?

Yeasterday my FIL told me that his cousin had been murdered when he was in his 20's and i just couldn't show emotion. I always beat myself up and think i hurt people because i just cant show them my feeling or i think i'm abnormal and everyone thinks i'm strange. That a big hole where "i" should be and there is just nothing no hurt, no anger, no happy just nothing.

Maybe i have a pd

I seem to have two extremes, Snowdrop - one where I'm so oversensitive to any emotion I'll get teary on a tv advert, can't listen to upsetting news, get very easily hurt. I've had a martial arts teacher tell me he always knows how I'm doing in class because you can read my emotions clearly on my face.

Or I feel like a heavily armored automoton where nothing feels quite real/hyper logical and distant.

Neither response particularly 'normal' - I think I yoyo between them depending on how I'm coping with either. I don't really like myself in either mode, tbh.

Gardening is good

Rubberduck - if you work out how to handle your children's angry can you let me know? I think i would have to walk away and calm down then go in with a peace offereing and have a chat to him. I think communication is important.

With my teens RubberDuck when they start screaming I tend to tell they to go in another room and compose themselves (timeout)or if they won't remove themselves I remove myself to another room...when they are ready to talk properly then they are more than welcome to come back and I will listen.

If I don't scream at them...they aren't allowed to scream at me...mutual respect.

If they are really stropping Kevin stylee...I ignore and concentrate on the kids who are behaving...when the strop is over I then seek them out to talk.

...and even though I may want to strangle them (Grrr!) I do make sure I am actually listening to what they have to say when we talk.

Oh snowdrop, I'm sure you don't. Just emotionally battered from a difficult upbringing.

I know when I was younger, I worried that I had aspergers traits. I remember when I was about 10/11 trying to 'learn' normal responses with the aid of Readers Digest EQ tests But I don't think I have mild aspergers anymore, I think I just haven't been exposed to much of what is normal.

I think I'm worried that being emotional means not being in control. And I need control. I spent too long in an environment where I had none.

I can cry if it on tv or a book but not in front of people! Like in real life i'm not allowed emotions but then i get triggered but loving families on tv or in films and i'm in floods of tears.

I just dont get people or emotions or how to be normal i always feel like i'm acting or just blank.

Yes Snowdropfairy my emotions are very all or nothing when left to their own devices.

When not being 'mindful' I am super angry, super loving, super happy or super sad.

There is no 'balance' at all...

Thanks Mizzy - so definitely removal from the situation is the best way to go, then.

The trick, I think, for me is to make sure that as I remove myself I don't go emotional cold/appear to be giving silent treatment until they fall into line. It's a really narrow line between the two, for me, and that's something I've got to be hyper vigilant against.

Oh I forgot to add when not being 'mindful'...many a time I appear very 'controlled'...I'm not...I just look it...I maintain the facade.

A kind of fake it until you make it thing?

I think the trick is to tell them why your are doing it RubberDuck.

Such as saying, "I will listen but I can't actually understand what you need from me in amongst all the shouting. Go and calm down sweetheart and we will talk properly later."