"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Yes, RubberDuck, fake it 'til you make it.

Brilliant, thanks Mizzy - that's really practical advice.

Been re-reading.

Snowdropfairy...I think...in my very unprofessional opinion that the reson you perhaps feel uncomfortable when showing you emotions is just that you aren't used to expressing them.

You aren't used to the feeling of crying, being silly and happy etc...which makes you feel as though everyone is looking at you or judging you. (That last bit maybe a projection - not sure?)

I used to feel that way...but the more I let the emotions just 'be' what ever they were and however they showed themselves the more comfortable I became with them being 'my' emotions...good/bad/indifferent - at least they were real and mine.

Then I had to work on reeling them in a bit...a wee sniffle at a sad film is one thing...weeping and wailing is another!

I'm sorry but i need to get a few things out there and as i have no friends i'm just going to put it here and then hopefully feel better and get on with life.

I'm depressed and upset today because of the following

1. I?m not dressed yet or had a shower
2. My washer has broken again and I have 5 bags of washing to do
3. Today is the first day of potty training and he has been on the potty 5 times now and nothing
4. I have put weight on and I?m going to weigh in this afternoon
5. I have been up since 6am and I?m shattered
6. I have no money
7. I have to go out tomorrow for PIL wedding anniversary and I have no money and I don?t want to get dressed up
8. My son is running around shouting!
9. I just can?t cope today
10. I think it?s all my fault
11. I feel lonely and that no one is on my side
12. That I?m worthless and should just leave
13. I?m going to be 29 next month and I still feel like a child
14. I don?t know how to feel better
15. Its mother?s day soon but my mum does not want to know me and never has
16. My in-laws think that they can raise my son better than me
17. My husband is cutting me out and letting his mother take over my home
18. I have tried to get better but he has done nothing
19. I don?t know how to put any other the above right There will be 3 babies born in my ex-family next month and i will not know or see any of them and i hate the way my family has treated me and i think that they are all bonkers and so am i.

My mum and dad never showed me anything, never teaugh me anything and just ignored me. I think my mum was depressed. I just dont know anything, if i asked questions or talked i would get hit or shouted at.

When i tested for dyslexia at 18 the man that did it was a phycotheripest and i just could not help but cry all the way throught the testing as i thought he would figuar out i was mad and lock me up and he put it down to PTSD related to me being dyslexic I was on my own in the house with him as my family left us to it.

When i was 21 and living at home i cut my wrist and i vowed to get away and not kill myself. My mum know and just said that "she could forgive anything except if i merdered someone or if i tried to kill my self" that was her helping.

Her favorte saying was "I brought you in to this world and i will be the one to take you out of it".

I wish she had now.

Sorry just ignore me i'm just having a very down day tomoro will be um just as bad

That was kind of a joke really i'm ok and you can just ignore the above post i just needeed to get it out of my system.

Oh Snowdrop :(

It's good to get it out - it seems to me that you're holding an awful lot in at the moment.

"I don?t know how to put any other the above right"

I think that's the problem right there - you're overwhelmed and that's never a good place to be. Remember, no-one's keeping score :)

Can you pick one thing from your list and think of one small way to make the situation a teeny bit better (note: don't try to solve it all at once, or you'll get back to overwhelmed state). Doesn't matter what it is - just something small to help give you a little bit of control back?

And also, look at being kinder to yourself. I'm 37 and I haven't grown up yet either But I think if you've not ever had permission to be a child, then that's no bad thing. It's possible to be childlike without being childish. Plan something silly once in a while (I like playing on my dses swing when no-one is watching ).

Maybe drop the weight/diet thing for a while until other stresses are dealt with. Again, it's being kind to yourself - are you perhaps setting yourself up to fail? (like Mizzy, I might be projecting there) Or perhaps find a kinder way to keep a healthy eating pattern until you get to the point you feel strong enough to tackle the issue. Something like the No S Diet maybe?

Is the weather nice where you are? Can you let your son run around and shout outside while you sit down with a nice cuppa for 10 mins or so? Just to give yourself some breathing room?

I think actually from reading that, I've just worked out why yesterday for me went so very wrong. I was tired, stressed, not looking after myself properly. I need to parent myself better in order to be a better parent.

(oops, sorry - no idea why the bold went nuts)

Thanks RD

I Think your right i'm overwhelmed at the mo. Everyone seems to want a bit of me but i just want to get me sorted out first but i dont have time to do that.

I have sorted some of the above out. I just wish that my mum and dad had been normal and actually noticed me and showen me how to do stuff then it might be easier now?

I need to work throu my childhood and compear it to the one i'm giving my son and make the best chose i can to give him the best start in life i can but its hard when i dont know whats normal to start with.

I just want to be better than what i am but i dont know how too be. In the end i just feel like i have failed everyone and more importantly myself for being better than them.

I promise you, you haven't failed. :)

What is the one thing you could do right now that would give you a little breathing room? Something that is completely for you - even if your immediate reaction is that it's pointless or selfish?

If your closest friend was telling you a similar thing right now, what would you recommend they do? (This latter is a great exercise for me - I cut other people far more slack than I do myself).

Hi RubberDuck, Snowdrop, Mizzy (and everyone ),

On the teenager issue, I try to visualize a Momma cat with a bunch of kittens. The Momma is patiently enduring the kittens' antics with care, but with a kind of disconnected dispassionate tolerance. What are they up to now?

So when my dd1 (16) was chewing my ass out because I had her school protrait 'retouched' and that resulted in the best school photo of her ever, but it wasn't really her because it had been retouched. (This crap really comes out of the blue doesn't it?)
I very calmly said that I was sorry that she was upset over her picture and I got the retouching feature because I got her brother's (one year older) photo retouched and thought she'd be upset if he got it and she didn't. She continued to vent-and I could see that it was just that and didn't need to make a contest out of it, I just kept saying "I'm sorry you are upset."

The next day she apologized profusely-I guess she ran this by her friends and they kind of let her know she was out of line on this one.

And the other thing I think of when they are being difficult is this: I will not shame them into silence as I was when I was growing up. Let them speak-they are developing their voice and are trying out things. I have stopped the flow of their verbage if they go too far and say that they are crossing the line into personal attack/hatred/anger and they need to stop that-keep it respectful if you have a point to make. Sort of like calling a timeout and reasserting the ground rules of engagement.

It has also helped to state bluntly: You are speaking to me in a very rude and hurtful manner. Know this today: if you ever speak to a coworker or boss the way you are to me right now, you will be fired on the spot.

Hope some of this helps.

Snowdrop (((hugs))). You are 29- I am 49 and still struggling with some of this crap. I am beginning to believe it is about self promotion. The idea of reparenting is there too, and that goes into the core of self-esteem...building it up from scratch.

Btw, my washer/dryer isn't broken and I still have 4 or 5 loads to wash and 10 at least to fold. Just hate it.
Good luck with the potty training. My youngest (turned 3 this month)is doing the #1 good in the potty, but won't try it on the toilet (with special seat for her); and still #2 in her pants. Trying to coach her with 'help Poo go to Pooland' which was recommended on the potty training board.

Teachmyselfbalance - (great name BTW) Thanks for the hug i needed it .

I did get up and go to reshape and give 3 bags of washing to my MIL and called the repair guy, i found some money so ok till payday and i'm not going to pressure my son to potty train.

For the last 3 days he has waken up and gone into the bathroom and asked to go on the toilet then when i get the potty or take him to the loo he does not do anything or said no or its too late. I think i feel so bad at being a mum that i dont know how to potty train as i have never done it before and i just think i can't do it.

I have no confidence in my ability to be a good mum because my mum and sisters said that i wouldn't be and its sunk in to me that i'm not good at it

My sister even said to her 5 year old "Would you want Anuty Snowdrop to by your mum?" and he said no. It justs eats at my self confidence to have people who were meant to be a loving family tell you that you are no good at being a mum even before the child was born . The same sister also said "we are your family and we love you and care about you and we want the best for you, so leave your husband, move home and let us raise your son!"

Its all just lies and untrue. They are quick to put me down but never notice the good things i do or just put them down. When i had my graudation i was the first person and only person in my ex-family to get a degree and my mum and Dad complained the whole time they were there and made it horrible. It was my fault that they had to be there and cause them trouble. I think most other mums and dads would be happy and proud of their childs achievements

My husband thinks that they are all just jelous of me because i have made a go of my life and they think they need to put me down to their level. But it still hurts like heck that they never supported me.

I think having my own child has brough all this up and for the first time in my life i feel safe and sucure to look at all the things that happened to me and all of it is just wrong and done by my mum, dad and my brother

Untill i meet my husband i can't remember a time where i didn't have to protect myself and fight for my freedom from these people. They have always made me so upset and feel so bad about myself when realy its them that have the problem.

TeachMySelfBalance: thank you - again, that's a really practical example and very helpful!

And I'm offering my own (((hugs))) to Snowdrop - your sister sounds really poisonous and horrible. Not only that but what damage is she doing to her 5 year old to drag her into that bullying behaviour?!

You are a good mum. Potty training is vile whenever you do it, imo. Hang on in there - I have a new mantra for you, it's my standard kid mantra "and this too shall pass"

Thanks RD i like your mantra's

Thats the problem they all bring there children in on it. They will judge and compare the children when they are there listening to them its vile. I never want my son to hear any of that - i dont want to judge him or compare him to anyone.

My ex-family play the children off one another and it ends up with the child that is put down hitting the "Golden child" and then the children re-enforce their lables. When i told them this the mother of the oldest said "No its true he is stuiped and usless" That sister also puts men down and hates them unfortunatly she will have 3 sons and a husband so poor her. She even said if her babies are boys she will be leaving home. Her atturde just sucks.

All of them are bonkers because of the way my mum and dad raised them.

I just want to find out whats normal and try to behaviour in a good manner to everyone.

I'm going on a training course now and than out for a meal with my PIL so a late night for everyone. They are looking after Air today so i hope they take him somewhere nice as the sun is shining here and its spring

I hope everyone has a good day too

Good Morning all.

Thanks for the 'tips' on teens TeachMySelfBalance...all stored away for future use.

My lot are still early teens so we are still at the 'toddler tantrum' expressing stage...but now I have tools for later on too. Cheers.

Snowdropfairy I have potty trained 3 DC's...how I did it I shall never know...it was all very 'hit and miss' literally...but they all made it in the end! Just keep going he will get there. x

Well done Snowdrop for breaking down your stuff into manageable chunks!

With regards to potty training, ALL children get there in their own good time. How many incontinent teenagers do you know? Not many/ any? It happens on it's own, in it's own time, so chill about it. For what it's worth, my dd had her first dry night last night, she's six and a half. But I knew she'd get there in the end, in her time, in her way.

Teenagers. I use humour, a lot. I use teenage language back at him, and he laughs. In the end. I remove the x box, that's my weapon of last resort. And with both of them hugs and laughing. Something sorely missing from my "family". There's nothing more undermining of a teenage mood than a huge bearhug and a mummyish tickle under the chin.

Moving back up thread a bit....I am completely convinced that my RA is as a result of internal unexpressed rage and anger. Another auto immune disease. Funny that.

The sun is shining, I shall venture out into it today. Gardening burns tons of calories, and is good for the soul.

Incidentally, I had a weird experience last night and I keep dwelling on it. I know I have a tendency to overthink things - can I have you wonderful people's perspective on it please?

I go to a class on a Tuesday night - it's really my only social thing with other adults. I tend to arrive 10 mins early and I possibly am a bit over chatty. I like to find out how other people's week has been or talk about something related to the class before we go in as there's not much opportunity for social interaction once the class starts.

Anyway, was doing that last night, and one of the other guys (who wasn't really involved in the conversation) butted in and asked me if I had a lot of food colourings. It was in the middle of a fitness discussion, so it wasn't totally out of place, just odd.

Then clarified and said "tartrazine yellow?" then accused me of being hyperactive in front of the whole group. I brushed it off at the time (and class started about then anyway) but I've been dwelling on it since (never healthy really is it).

I know you weren't there, so can't tell me if my behaviour was off, but even if it was, the guy was being a bit of an idiot wasn't he? I mean there's nicer ways to suggest to someone they ought to tone it down a little?

:(

RubberDuck

Yes, he was being an idiot imo.

I would say you had the groups attention...he wanted it so put you down to feed his ego and 'grab' the groups attention.

Well done on the exercise class, I managed to dislocate my wrist just planting bedding plants yesterday! It popped back in again so all's well... but honestly, this stuff always happens to me...bedding plants in two inch pots if you will!!!

OW that sounds painful!

I'm really impressed with the gardening. I like the idea of a lovely garden, but no willpower or skill to go with it :) If I ever won the lottery, I'd hire a gardener to do all the faffy stuff for me so I could just sit out and enjoy it!

I like the faffy stuff RD ...it lets me 'opt out' of the hoovering/ironing etc etc...and I do like a bit of sunshine!

.

Hi Feduptrying and welcome

RD your like me i try to garden but i forget to water it and last year i had dry lavandry in a pot i'm so bad at it its funny but i keep trying.

With the guy i would have thought he wanted to know me as he talked to me and that he did not know how to approach me!

Lost my post!

In brief then:
Snowdrop-your sister is the bad mother teaching her child to bully while using you to do it. He probably had different feelings to the question but knew he'd be in deep voodo if he said, "Yes, I'd rather Aunt Snowdrop be my mom."

I am happy for you about your nice meal out with Pil. Good for you.
Potty training-one of those uglies no one wants to talk about before the kids are born. Make a haz-mat kit and keep it with you when ever you go out: change of clothes down to shoes, wipes, plastic bag for yuckky clothes, hand sanitizer is the minimum for me. It should fit in one of those drawstring packs.

RubberDuck, the guy is a jerk. I agree with Mizzy. Others were having fun and he wasn't, so he had to put a stink on it. Next time just look at him very sweetly and say, "Oh, are you not getting enough attention? How sad; awwww." Give pity look.

Or...(tee hee) "Why are you in this course? Shouldn't you be in Anger Management?" That ought to shut him up. Just roll your eyes at anything else he says.

Hi FedUpTrying...hope you are having a good day.

my sister is in hospital and is having a c-section tomoro.

She called me up and asked if anyone had called me to let me know that she was in hospital. No one in my exfamily had

She told me to call my mum to find out whats happening but i told her i'm not talking to them and that i will call the hospital.

She could die and i dont think my mum and dad would be bothered