"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

droves You are spot on. Every year I think...this year it will be different .
This year I know I can cope. It just does bring it all to the surface. I feel bad for the dc's because this is about them not me.
When I hear all those cheesey xmas songs it just reminds me how every christmas we would all be stuck in the house together pretending.
Maybe this is why I am thinking about australia wistfully. I was the only expat that loved aussie christmas's. There was nothing reminiscent about them.
Everyone used to go on about how 'it's just not the same' and I would think, 'I know, great isnt it'.

bookcase yes I think as they get older the dc's they see through me and they wont like me. This is quite a revelation actually. I didnt realise that is how I was thinking. So thank you!

fab Perhaps this man reperesents to you what australia does for me. When bad feelings come up, which they ineveitably will this time of year, we want to escape.
He is your mental escape hatch? Australia is mine.

smithfield - dont think your dc wont like you ...thats the toxic (effect) training kicking in. Stop it now.

The thing is .... toxic people didnt like you (or any of us ) , because your not like they are. This is good !
It means normal people will like you. Normal non toxic people will love you , especially those lovely DC of yours.

How weird that Australia is yours. He went there when we were dating to visit family and his sister lives there now.

I don't know what mine is as I don't really know what you mean .

My battery is about to go, so bye for now. Hope to chat to you all tomorrow.

I'm glad it's helped to post how you are feeling Fab.

I'm glad I was able to help trs.

I'm off to bed now. Take care everyone xxx

I absolutely hate this time of year for so many reasonsit was horribly solitary for many years when I was growing up and now my children are getting bigger it's happening again. I ran thousands of miles away to escape from my solitude only to find I'd brought it with me. My DCs go off to visit their respective dads and families and I am left on my own now that I don't have a DP. After lunch on Christmas Day I will be alone for 24 hours. The loneliness is just horrendousvery, very close to unbearable.
I think I've been guilty of keeping my DCs at a distance partly because that's all I knew how to do and also because I thought that like everyone else if they really knew me they wouldn't like me.
Now I'm afraid to let them know how much I hate being alone because I don't want them to feel obliged to spend time with me. So I wonder if they think I'm weird because I spend so much time on my own. I hate having to hide from them but I don't want to be a burden.
Sorry, as someone said, this thread moves so fast, I haven't kept up with who said what. And there is so much self-knowledge, so many things resonate and then in the very next post you come across something else. I feel I've fallen so far behind. And that anyway I'm hopelessly broken, past mending.

hi quiddity, your post sounds so sad x

Quiddity your post is very sad are there any friends of yours you could call around to on Christmas day. Is there a reason your children don't stay with you on Christmas day? I'm not sure how old they are. If its any use to you I can imagine I will probably online a lot on Christmas night with the situation im in!

I know, sorry. And thanks for the x.
Not seeing the silver lining at the moment.

Quiddity, would it help you to know what others are doing on xmas day?

I am spending the day with my 2 dd's, their father has not had contact for a very long time so has not asked to see them! We may go to Church, we will play charades and some other games, they normally put on a show and we watch rubbish on the tv, I make a dinner with all the trimmings and that is it now a days, no body else involved in our Christmas day's since last year, so quiet!

What is everyone else doing?

Yes it would mh, nice idea, thank you. I have no idea what's normal, so I probably imagine other people's days are far more wonderful than they really are.
BreakFree, my DCs go to spend time with their dads and their families--which is good, of course. I don't really see my "family": toxic dad dead, toxic mum not here this year thank God, don't see bro because of his toxic wife.
As for me visiting other people, I wouldn't dare, least of all on Christmas Day, unless maybe they asked me, which they don't, and even then I'd find it hard to go alone. Part of the legacy from my family is extreme social anxiety & crippling shyness.

Quiddity, as a child every Christmas seemed to be in a new house/town and sometimes new country, it was always the four of us, and I remember the one Christmas we had guests, we had Mother's spinster learning disabled Aunt with poor speech and social skills and my Father's abusive Father, we were always the rejects due to things my Father did prior to my birth, which included him stabbing Mother's Brother at her Mother's funeral. I remember I was about 6/7 and I was so excited as we had never had anyone for Christmas before, well, my only memories are of Mother and her Aunt fighting over one of them taping conversations, and my Grandfather scaring me (not sure what went on there) and me zoning out with Barbie and her dining room set, breaking up crisps for each dinner service and pretending people were having a nice dinner, it was dreadfull and the only childhood Christas I remember with any clarity actually come to think of it! The last I remember as a family of four was my Father being ill with flu in bed, with a bell and a shoe on the floor in my bed, demanding me to run up and down the stairs continually with one thing or the other, a bit like Anthony Royle, apparently I was not doing a good enough job as he got pluracy and he said he was going to leave after no one looking after him enough! I was just 15 that year! I tried really hard once I had children to make Christmas fun, the exh's family never wanted to share any of Christmas day with us, the last one I remember his parents were 20 minutes away visiting another family member and we were holdind dinner for them, they were late, exh rang them they said they were too tired to come and to have dinner without them they were not going to come now! I used to have just us in the morning and late in the afternoon my parents and step parents around and did my best for the kids, my parents only wanted to talk about people they both knew mutually and would not look at the kids shows, would join in with games but not pay attention and would not put any effort in (why I expect better than I had I will never know, they used to buy me board games and never played even a game of cards with me EVER), they would only dance if the music was from their country of origin that type of thing, Exh would pretend to have flu in the evening and put a hood over his head and sleep it was so embarrising and I would be running around with dirty dishes, kids, and demands etc, it was a shambles really, I tried to have fun, the kids enjoyed it and it was ok I suppose, so very different to how things turned out to how they are now!

Quiddity you poor thing.

Well, this year I will be here with my jekyllandhyde partner and my two dcs. I will spend the day feeling false and uncomfortable exhanging presents with him, as I put on a smile for my children all the while worrying that another stupid row will erupt where I am verbally abused or just basically just me trying to hold it together and ignore his ways. I made a decision in my head recently to be out of this situation soon and the claustrophic feeling that I can't get out of it as easily as we would all like is hard to cope with. Hopefully it will go without any crap but this week so far has not been promising with constant bickering.
As I said in my post above more than likely Christmas night I will be on here drowning my sorrows

OMG, mh, that image of little you trying to fix the Christmases that the so-called grownups were ruining is so awful. You poor little thing. But your Christmases nowadays sound peaceful as they are meant to be. I am sure your children know you love them, that's the important thing.
BreakFree, good luck. I will probably be here with you that evening, so we can have a glass of red together.
I am feeling terrible about whingeing now, I will be getting off lightly it seems.
What's everyone else doing on The Day?

I'm spending Christmas day on my own
I'm having roast beef for dinner, making the house really hot and watching all the crap TV. I'm looking forward to it.

I love Christmas, though Christmas Day as a child was all bloody rules & regulations. My parents were obsessed with having breakfast before touching the presents - and the breakfast was a particular dish that we all hated. Present opening was in strict rotation. Each child had to be watched opening their gift, then we all had to admire it, before moving on to next gift & child, and repeat. I do think there's merit in that although they were too rigid about it. I still feel slightly repulsed when other families launch into the present pile, grabbing & ripping.

After lunch we had The Walk, which was military style, and we had to write thank you letters after tea.

ahh the xmas walk ! i rember that also.
WTF was it about ?

We only wanted to stay in nice and cosy , perhaps play with toys (if we got any that year) .
Why drag little kids out for a walk in winter ? never could get my head around it.

Its up there with turning the kids xmas film over to songs of praise or queens speach....not exactly child favorites.

Xmas is all about the children in my house now.
Chocolate for breakfast . Toys must be played with before lunch ,DH always ,plays with the children when im cooking. And if the dc dont want an "offical xmas dinner" then they get whatever they want (think ds4 wants pizza this time) . They watch tv if they want ,ect.
In the evening ,we go visit gran and grandad ( Pil) . where they get spoiled rotten again , pil gets on the floor with them and tries his best to keep up with mariokart or whatever toy they have been given. Mil makes mountans of food for nibbles .
The pils never complain about the noise or mess the children make , and always take loads of photos.(the photos are shown later to everyone with great pride , they love to boast about their grandchildren ).

Its so different to the Xmas we had when i was young.

I hope all you stately ladies have the type of xmas this year that you want. One that is fun and filled with laughter and that we all get to enjoy our own little famiies.
The kids are the best thing ever .

If it helps, it is just dh, dc and me on christmas day. I have no real plans, other than cooking christmas dinner.
I just want to take the day as it comes, although i think I will take a leaf out of droves book and let the kids take the lead.
Play lots of happy music and relax, hopefully the children wont find it as stressful as I used to when I was a kid.

Same here re Christmas Day. It will just be the three of us here. And that's how I like it!. No turkey here either; am not well enough to collect it currently and am thus not busting a gut over the issue.

Some of my happiest Christmases have actually been spent abroad; other countries do not seem to go the whole hog on this false ideal of festive cooking shows (no-one shows the washing up afterwards) and this materialistic/perfectionistic build up/ expectation like the UK does.

At least my current flu like virus will prevent me from having the outlaws over - a result!.

I honestly cannot remember the last time FIL saw DS. And this from a man who stands in the pulpit as a lay preacher who promotes the idea of helping family and family values!. Balls to him, he can stick the turkey where the sun does not shine.

My best wishes to you all; it is a difficult time of year for many people. You all on this thread have my profound respect.

Oh attilla have just recovered myself from the dasterdly flu bug really hope you feel better soon. Balls to them all indeed . Not the christmasy one's either!

You have also hit on something there attilla think christmas brings the perfectionism out with a vengeance.

Hi Everyone,

Xmas day is all about our son he is 2 in Feb but he is very clever so i hope he gets xmas this year. We have gone overboard with toys and i can't wait to play with them . We have turkey and trimmings for dinner and then play with toys all day and its great.

My mum and dad never played games with me so i like doing it with dh and ds.

I have my first counciling session at 2.30 with new person and i'm nerours.

I have to go get ready now

Back later

'I think we are all grieving on some level for what we should have had.'

I agree.

findingthepath - good luck with your counseling session.

Hello all,

I had a massive catch up read. We have had frozen water mains and a frozen boiler, so no heat or water. :( Been busy sorting it all and brewing up for Gas engineers and plumbers.

It is sooooo difficult isn't? I find myself on the verge of tears a lot. The Emerson Lake and Palmer song is, for me, unbearable. I sob every time I hear it.

It is three years to the day when the witch appeared on my doorstep after five years NC. She was bearing the trade mark completely innappropriate presents for the kids, one of whom she'd never even met. I truly believe that she came back with the fore knowledge of what they were about to do to me. I really believe that. I believe that is why they came back, with the express intention of destroying me and my life.

The grief of hearing conversations between mothers and daughters planning for presents for children is the hardest.

There was a card this morning with what looked like her hand writing, and I felt sick with terror.

I wish she would die, so there is never the risk of her coming anywhere near me ever again.

I would like to wish all the Stately Home dwellers a peaceful and hopefully happy christmas, and that 2011 brings the peace of mind, happiness, fulfillment and complete belief in just how amazing and beautiful we all are.

Merry Christmas Princesses. xxx

Hi there everyone, I've not posted here before and not sure this is really where I should be.

It was recommended that I have a look after I posted this thread

I'm currently trying to deal with a mother who only seems capable of criticising me, whether it's implied, passive/aggressive stuff e.g. I was going to a wedding the other day, first day out since giving birth 6 months ago, I have lost all my baby weight and more and the only thing she said when she saw me was "your skirt is sticking to your tights" (we were on holiday - there was nothing I could do about it, didn't have a slip, couldn't pop to the shops) and then when I ignored her repeated it again, louder 5 minutes later. Presumably to make sure I felt as shit as possible in my new dress.

Or if she can't sneak a backhanded insult in she'll just be obvious - e.g. DD was pretending to be fishing the other day and said 'Mummy's a shark' and she said 'no, Mummy's a whale'.

Gah!

Anyway, sorry to barge right on in, just wondered if anyone could help, it's all come to a bit of a head for me after spending 4 days with her wher she managed to criticise/insult me and tell me I'm her least favourite child. Impressive even for her!