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Relationships

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Original poster

How would you feel if your mother told you you were her least favourite child?

52 replies

secondbest · 22/12/2010 17:23

Just wondering if I'm supposed to laugh this off or not.

My mother announced at a family party (with my PIL) that my older brother (and only sibling) is her favourite child, and then qualified it with it being because he was her first, as if that explains thing.

I have two children and love them equally so can't quite understand her point, other than that she favours my brother over me and always has.

How would that make anyone else feel? Am I too old to find that slightly hurtful?

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 22/12/2010 17:25

Have you seen the "Statley Homes" thread?

bisybackson · 22/12/2010 17:30

No you are not too old - I would find that intesely hurtful. I would be cutting back my contact considerably with her. Do you usually get on well?

Original poster

secondbest · 22/12/2010 17:30

I haven.t, no, is it worth a look?

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 22/12/2010 17:31

People on there will know where you are coming from.

SnowyIcyFrostyRinglets · 22/12/2010 17:32

It would make me feel dreadful, hurt and upset.

But in my situation, I would know that she speaks the truth - she favours my brother, always has done (I am the eldest), and recently announced to a mutual friend that my SIL is the daughter she should have had.

I wouldn't pull her up on it. Just get on with what you want to do. No, you're not too old to find it hurtful, it doesn't matter at what age comments like that come at you.

And I might check out that thread too.

WADA · 22/12/2010 17:32

secondbest I think you have every right to feel hurt. Last year at the age of 36 my dad told me he loved my mum more than he loved me and my other two sisters because........'she's just so special'. It hurt to the core because it somehow told me that I was not good enough and never had been. I have two children and have no understanding how you could love one more than the other. I think it's a parent's responsibility, even if they did think that, to keep it to themselves. Someone may try and correct me but in your mother's case and in my father's there could never be a positive outcome for the child could there, regardless of how 'old' we may be?

That said, rationally, it says more about your mother than it says about anything else but on an emotional level it's pretty hard to take isn't it? Sorry you had to hear her say something so cruel.

YunoYurbubson · 22/12/2010 17:32

My mum tells me that I am her least favourite.

Also that she loves me but doesn't like me.

Also that she thinks I was meant to be someone else's daughter.

I could go on. And she would be horrified if she thought any of that upset me. As far as she is concerned we have a loving, healthy relationship.

How does it make me feel... meh. Sometimes it bothers me, but mostly I don't care for her opinion. It makes me feel distant from her. I am polite and we get on okay, but I don't crave her love or approval.

TrillianAstra · 22/12/2010 17:36

Pfft.

There are two of us. One has to be the less-favourite.

If someone held a gun to her head and said she had to say who was her favourite, it might not be me.

I think it's weird to say it, but being the less-favoured is only a problem if you are not loved enough.

Original poster

secondbest · 22/12/2010 17:37

"One has to be the less-favourite"

I couldn't disagree more, and I have two children.

But I think there are obviously some people out there who think like that, my mother being one.

How do people end up like that?

OP posts:

Original poster

secondbest · 22/12/2010 17:38

Yuno, that's pretty much how I feel about her too - her opinion doesn't interest me overly, I have no respect for her as a person.

But I was pretty shocked to hear her announce it to all and sundry at a party.

OP posts:

Original poster

secondbest · 22/12/2010 17:39

Wada and snowy, sorry to hear that

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 22/12/2010 17:41

I am not saying one has to be favoured by much, but if you had to say there might be a whisker in it.

FattyArbuckel · 22/12/2010 17:41

I genuinely wouldn't care - have had some very helpful counselling recently though!

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 17:42

I would tell her she was my least favourite mother, so I'm off to seek another one.

And that would be the last words she ever heard out of me.

I honestly can't be bothered with immature fuckwits in my life. It's bad enough I often have to work for them, but need to for money. But there world is too full of good people to be bothered with people who can't keep their thoughts to themselves, no matter if they're related to you by blood or not.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 22/12/2010 17:42

I would be hurt.

My dad has 5 children and I am definitely the least favourite. He doesn't need to tell me, it's all apparent in his deeds and actions.

If he actually humiliated me like that in front of anyone else I would be really ANGRY with him, I think.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 17:43

People like this don't deserve to have children, IMO.

Original poster

secondbest · 22/12/2010 17:44

Good point expat - I should have just told her she was my least favourite parent, then laughed in her face like she did.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/12/2010 17:46

There's a lot of thoughts that we, as parents, feel. Not all of them are good at all.

But as an adult you're supposed to learn that there are things you just don't say to someone because they are irrevocably damaging.

animula · 22/12/2010 18:10

Good answers from expat. It really is a massive parenting "fail".

If she does it again, tell her, as one mother to another, you're awarding her a straight 0/10. Of course, that's far easier to recommend than to actually do.

Really, what an idiot. I am sorry, it must have hurt. Sadly, we only get one mother, and she has an important position in our lives. (As most of us on here know, and we try to do our best, because we know the responsibility that comes with the privileges of the position.) Totally crap for you that yours isn't so great.

Original poster

secondbest · 22/12/2010 18:41

Thanks.

I think I'm more embarassed than anything, just about the circumstances in which it was said.

DH's Auntie was talking about her kids, her daughter was joking that she was her favourite child and DH's auntie made some (very obviously joking) comment about of course she was her favourite she was her firstborn and my Mum leapt out of her chair, pointed at her triumphantly and shouted "yes!".

I just kind of said "pardon?" DH's auntie then asked what order we were born in (she didn't know) and looked really shocked when I said second, I guess because of the way my Mum had been so emphatic and so clearly not joking.

Then my Mum came over and sort of went "oh dear, second sittings, ha ha ha" but didn't take it back.

It's making me cringe to think about it actually, will stop typing!

OP posts:

freddiestarratemyhandbag · 22/12/2010 19:15

I think the context makes it worse actually.

Said in anger it's deliberately trying to hurt, but said like that, in a matter of fact kind of way, as though it's ok to say that kind of thing is...not nice.

snowmummy · 22/12/2010 19:24

Unforgiveable thing to say and the circumstances in which she said it just makes it worse. I'd be incredibly hurt.

corlan · 22/12/2010 19:27

secondbest Did your Mum make you feel that you were 'secondbest' when you were growing up?

What I'm trying to say is that if what she said came as a shock to you , in a strange way, she should be commended for making you feel as loved as your brother.

My Mum is completely unashamed about picking favourites and it definitely affected myself and my siblings as we grew up. (I fear it will affect her grandchildren too)

Guitargirl · 22/12/2010 19:30

Had she been drinking? Not that that matters anyway as it's a dreadful thing to say alcohol or not. What is wrong with people, honestly . I would be very hurt in your situation, I think I would tell her that and then withdraw so she gets the message. And you have nothing to be embarrassed about - she is the one who has made herself look a crap parent.

freddiestarratemyhandbag · 22/12/2010 19:32

Corlan, no, I've pretty much always known it - she's alluded to it before by going on and on about how precious the mother-son relationship is with the emphasis being on it being more important than a mother-daughter one.

She likes to say things like how he's got her fine nose and I've got my Dad's splodgy nose.

God she's a charmer!

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