"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi Everyone

New counciling session went well, i cried but i feel better now for talking.

The woman pointed out some good things for me to think about and i can see where she is coming from which is good.

I need to get my xfamily out of my head and relize that i havent lived there for 6 years and i have changed and they can't see it as they dont know me. They are all adults and can look after them selfs and they are not going to change just beacuse i want them too.

I'm going to stop trying with them and take a step back and try to fouce what is in my life right now.

Also she give me homework!

I feel really strong in myself today (i dont know why) but i answered phone and it was my mum. I choce to talk to her and she tried to upset me but it didn't work and i just said "well if thats how you see it fair enough" and then she made an excess and hung up and i felt good for the first time in ages. I was firm and assrtive and i didn't loss myself.

I'm going to stop giving her amnition(sp?) to use agenst me by just not telling her tthings. Its going to be hard as i'm a very open person by nature but i feel strongly that this is a skill i now need to learn.

I think distance needs to be in the mind as well as in miles

Thank you all for giving me the space to ramble.

Hugs to everyone and have a good christmas how ever you choice to spend it ( personally i think grace has the right idea )

Sorry thats so long

Welcome secondbest x

I think you have come to the right place and i'm sure someone better than me will come along and have wise words to help

Also you mum sounds very none passive about being insulting

Hello all,

finding well done with the therapy x

Secondbest, nice to see you made it here, I wonder if you mother feels like a whale and is prjecting (I had no idea people did this until a year and a half ago!) x

Thisis, nice to hear from you x

I just wanted to post to share something that I think some of you may find usefull that I have found. I have read no here that others purchase "psychologises" magazine also. There was a freebe in the magazine this month, which I for one will be using, it is something a life coach has prepared, and I had a flick through it and I found it something that I thought may help me and some of you also x

Haven't seen that, mh! Might go & get it while I'm at Golden Brother's

ftp, thank you for your brilliant post! Well done

2nd, it sounds like you belong :( Silly old bag your mum sounds. When she does that shit, do you feel small/helpless? MummieHunnie has a very good point, you know - chances are she's trying to put you in her place!

MummieHunnie, could you tell us some more about the psychologies magazine as I am not planning on going out but will if it is helpful. Also what is the date on the magazine? TIA.

mh thanks for the heads up, might send dh to buy that for me. I do like that magazine a lot there is always something useful in it.

finding so proud of you . You have shown what a strong person you are in spite of your bullying family. You have gone out and resourcefully got yourself some help. Now you are already reaping rewards.
I think I need to be like this with dad. Not tell him anything about anything much. Tricky as he is a nosey bugger .

secondbest at your mother's remark. Also sadly relate to it. When I was hevily pg with dd I went to visit my middle db and mum came to see me there. the first words out of her mouth (in fron of sil) were 'hello fatty!'.
I cut my mum out of my life about 2 years ago now. I never intended to cut her off for good but she was just so damaging to me and had begun to filter some of her poison onto ds. 2 years on a wonder if I should let her back in but I have to ask myself to what end? What value would she provide for me or my children? Just thought I'd share a bit of my own history so you know you are not alone. sadly.

grace agree your day sounds tantalisingly good.

Hi everyone

My mum called me and here is her drama - In october she bought turkey but it in my xbrother frezzer and this tuesday asked him to take it out to defrozet. He didn't untill today so they have no turkey for tomoro. They cant get car out of garge as lock iced, They cant open gates as the wall is falling down and its not safe. They were having my sister and her son, my uncle and his stepgrandson were going to hers for dinner tomoro.

But its not my brother fault its his wife beacuse she should have known to take it out

I offered for them to come here and she said no but could i bring my food to them and we can stay there and all have christmas together.

I said no we are having a family christmas at home and if she wanted to join use then my DH would come and pick her up.

She declined

I was firm and assertive and i dont care if they dont have xmas dinner its her problem and they are adults.

She is not pulling me back in to her hopeless drama.

Also i'm upset as son had a tamtrum in Asda went floppy and banged his head and now he is sleeping. I wake him up to see if he ok and he did wake up and then went back to sleep. He was tired and thats why he had a tantrum but i feel bad that he banged his head.

So not a great xmas eve so far

finding hugs x

dd1 had massive tantrum today and she is in secondary school !!!!

Fab, I bought the mag a few days ago, it has bellatrix lestrange (HP) Room with a view woman can't think of her name, on the front cover!

Mother phoned at 9am asking if she could come around at a time today that suited us, i am in shock really, she is being respectfull of boundaries! even last time she turned up unanounced!

I had a new friend for dd2 around yesterday and I asked her to do things I would have been to scared to have a while back, I asked her to put her rubbish in the bin after I asked my dd's to and they did and she ignored the general put your stuff in the bin thing!!!

I have not done anything about Mother as I normally would do something and not think it through and do the wrong thing that would drama inducing so I am doing nothing, I really don't know what to do for the best at the moment!!!

Findingthepath - good for you. You know one of my problems is that my parents always manage to upset me with their verbal abuse. I haven't yet learned properly how not to care about what they say, or how to respond in a way which makes me not feel frustrated afterwards.

And yes, I think it was nice to you to even invite your mother to your christmas.....

Hi Mummiehunnie hugs back

Do you want your mum round today? Do your girls?

My MIL is comeing round with Air's prezzies at 6pm tonite and i'm dreading it, i just dont want to be soicable today as i'm stressed about getting stuff ready for tomoro but then i think Air would like to see them.

I dont want her here tomoro i just want it to be us so in a way its good to get it over with.

I still think my family is in my head, its hard to get them out.

Hi Electra

I know she is only saying it to upset me. I know that my brother will take her to the shop and get her meat or that he is just joking with her.

They are adults its not my responsibility to sort out their xmas as well as my own.

I can tell now how she will react or behaviour in any situation and i know she is not happy that i didn't put my family out and go to her's for christmas as they want to see my son, but touth its not about them.

I could tell she was just tring to make me feel guilty for the choice i made but you know what, i think its all lies so i'm just going to forget about it and do what i want

Thank you for the magazine info.

Well she came around earlier, we were just on our way out. She irritated me, I am not sure why, I know she looked sad making her way in the ice to the door as I happened to be looking out the window as she came unanounced. She had bags of gifts for us, Iallowed her in the hall, stood there when she gave the gifts and she asked if we want to go and have some dinner with her tomorrow, I swore blind two years ago when she did not show up to the holiday I had paid for us all and she chose to spend the day with Father her exh and his g/f instead, I had had such a bad xmas the one before, I was threatened to be killed by exh, and all sorts I was so depressed, and she didn't even look after me then, I wanted to get away to make xmas better and she didn't show up, and now she wants me to spend xmas with her, I never will ever again, I didn't last year and I won't this year or ever again!!! I have her stinking gifts in the hall, and I feel like getting the box of chocolates and throwing them in her drive and throwing the bottle of champagne, which I have never liked and I don't drink hardly as it is and flinging that against her front door, I won't, I just feel so cross and deflated by her turning up, I don't want any gifts to make these people feel better about themselves as the expense of my happiness and my peace!

Anyone else spending Christmas Day with toxic parents? Someone please get me outta here!!

I need to talk to someone but not able to do it so publicly .

CAT me if you want :)

Thank you.

Are you sure? Just saw your post

Yes of course!

Okay, thank you.

Hi all again.

sorry to disappear for a few weeks just needed some time out from thinking about my toxic family but yet again they are here in my head on christmas day.

Normally i go to my parents on christmas day with the kids, only for an hr or so and then come home. well as i knew that SD and 2 of my sisters werent speaking to me i decided not to but hadnt got the courage to tell my mum so yesterday just thought i would wait and see how i felt about it this morning. As it happens i started feeling ill last night quite bad actualy, sore throat, headache dizziness and temp and then felt even worse this morning decided not to go, perfect excuse realy. Anyway my throat is so bad i can hardly talk so i text my mum saying i was ill have nice christmad, did she want to come and pick pressie up, love to all etc. Well i have heard NOTHING back at all.

Felling very rejected at the mo, i have my familt here with me my DH and DDs i wish i could stop thinking about them.

It is clear now exactly what i mean to them isnt it. NOTHING.

Ray81 that sucks being ill on christmas i hope you get better soon. Your husband and children love you, do you really need your extended family to care?

May be she has not seen txt yet?

I find it annoying that we try and try and get nothing back from these people. I will not get a phone call from my sisters this year and i'm not going to waste my time calling them.

I'm trying to get some "mental distance" from them and see if i get a different point of view.

It sucks feeling negletage by my family - i should be use to it by now but there is always that hope that they will change. They might one day and if they do i hope it will not be too late but i will not hold my breath or wait for then to change just in case. I want to move on with my life and find a new way of seeing my self with out their infeluates (sp?) in it.

Just popped in to mention the film I'm watching on Five - Santa Claus's son is getting married to a nice girl with a controlling mother

Findingthepath - i know my mum would have had my text almost immediately as she has her phone glued to her at all times. My problem is i couldnt imagine a time that i wouldnt call DDs to wish them merry xmas esp if i had a text from them saying they were ill.

The prob is i told my cousin i didnt realy want to go and am wondering if she has told Mum as so she is in a mood because of this and thinks i am making being ill up. The thing is i know damn well that they will want to know me again when christmas is over because i pick Dsis 8 up from school every day, wont be an issue then will it.

I wont be mentioning it will just make out as if i dont give a F because i dont want them to know they are getting to me ifswim i will file it away with the other things, for instance not getting a wedding present even though i paid for their outfits and for them to stay in the hotel over night and didnt have my real dad there so as not to upset them.

I have heard from dn's mother. I think my theory of things relating to her are right , she says she does not want to speak to me without db being part of it and she wants me to organise her and me meeting through Mother, oh deary me, she is obviously used to triangulation in relationships and being controlled by the sounds of it, she seems so worried for doing the wrong thing, I feel so sorry for her!

Hi how is everyone