"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi......Just wanted to know if I can join? My issues are not as serious as others on here but my upbringing has most definitely affected me and I'm desperate to try to sort it out.

Confused.
Sad.
Want my mum.

Hi snow and welcome. Try not to minimise your experience. The important thing is how it affected you.

Thanks Bookcase.

Thanks bookcase. I guess at least I know why I feel sad these days. I used to have no idea what or why I was feeling.
I guess it's better to be connected to feelings but...
I just wish I didnt care, at all. Though clearly I still do. I want to get it through to my thick head that...they are what they are, they will never change, and most of all that I dont actually 'need' them anymore.
I have a lovely family yet I take out on them my bad feelings about myself which are a direct result of their inability to care or love me.
My dad hasnt bothered sending anything for the dc's, nor have my siblings.
I sent vouchers to ex sil and got a card back saying her and db had agreed when they split to only buy for their own family and so she hoped db had 'popped' something in the post. I didnt want anything back from her, the vouchers were for my niece and nephew there wasnt any need to put all that in the card.

I just wish I had a normal family and I wish I could accept that I dont.
Sorry to post about me. I know all of you are going through the same

Bookcase, sorry to hear that it took so much out of you to be sociable with your new friends, did you enjoy the lunch? It is harder to be sociable with people you are not used to or comfortable with.

I don't know about self esteem improving, I just know that I stopped doing things around the house, a combination of reasons, and let things go, I have always been quite a perfectionist in the past, houseproud and would frantically do my best to have everywhere perfect for people coming around, for kids health etc... and I realised not long ago what my motivation was to do housework! I am not back to my almost ocd levels of clean, the bits I have done are good enough for now and it is making me feel better about myself. I have started to want to cook again, rather than want to ring for a take away and look for a "bianca meal" in the freezer, anyone that knew me a few years ago whould be flabberghasted at me really, the house, garden, food situation, lack of social contact...

Fab you are being heard, hi Snow x

TRS, I wonder why your brother didn't tell you the new arangements?

Don't be sorry to post x

It is ok to feel as you do that you wish you could accept things, it takes time x

sorry xposted with snow and fab

Does it help to put it into words Fab?

I know what you mean about taking it out on the people closest to you. I don't know if this is the same for you but when I see the family that I'm a part of now, with dh and dd, it makes me mourn for the family I didn't have. It hurts, and I think some of that pain will always be there to a degree.

Sending you hugs trs xx

mh Youngest db is a bit of a mess, he doesn't communicate much with anyone except dad. I just dont think he would have thought to say.
I spend so much time trying to do the right thing. I worry what they think if I do send stuff and worry what they think if I dont.
Im probably more angry at dad. I had nc with him for a year until last xmas when he rang out of the blue and was in the area wanting to see us. I wish I was still nc now.
I wonder if this is a punishment for not allowing the visit with gf?
I'd prefer it if I didnt care. It's not like the dc's need his presents. They barely see him.

TRS would you communicate with exsil that your db has not advised you as to their agreement and could she please let you know (so you are not worrying about doing the right thing)!

If you wish you were nc and have been in the past why stay in touch?

I think I enjoyed it MH. It's difficult to tell because I'm so separate from my self and have to keep up the performance, otherwise I wouldn't be sociable at all.

Bookcase, I am sorry I don't understand what you mean by performance? do you mean you feel you have to entertain everyone?

Hi to all and thanks for the welcome.
TRS I know what you mean about wishing you didn't care but you sound like such a considerate person.

Yes bookcase I think perhaps that is part of it. I should be closer to them when I feel like this but I become more distant. I was cleaning out ds's wardrobe before. I remembered what he was like when he was little and how much I enjoyed being his mum and how he changed my world.
Yet in the here and now I still find closeness so hard. Dont know if that makes sense. It scares me because time moves so very fast. They are growing up too quickly

bookcase I know what you mean. I feel like Im two seperate people. The one who is able to socialise with friends and the me at home. I think people would reject the real me. Is that what you mean?

mh I am frightened of going nc with my dad. It makes me anxious. He instigated it last time really not me.

fab Dont stop because of me. I relate to those feelings too righ now.

snowy Thanks, just dont feel very considerate when i am being a snappy humbug with dc's and dh

I think the feelings are accentuated because dh's family have also fallen out recently. MIl and SIL (dh's brothers wife) have fallen out. They say they wont speak to each other again.
So not only do I not have my own family but dh's family now have a rift and wont be in the same room together.
It brings up all my own issues.
In 2005 we moved back from Australia. I lived there for 6 years. I met dh there and had ds there too.
Then I came back to live here because I wanted to be close to family.
I do wonder if I knew then what I do now. had the isnight I have now, if I would have made the same decision .

Oh trs, I really do relate so much to your comment about time moving too fast. It's frightening. Can you find things to enjoy about your ds now? Are you distancing yourself because you're scared of losing him?

I feel like two separate people too. That's exactly what I mean by performing. As soon as I've said goodbye to people my mood drops dramatically. I worry about people getting to know the 'real' me because I just want some ordinary friendships for a change.

Who is the real you and who is this person that went to lunch today?

I used to forget my own needs and think others were above me, I don't know if that is the same thing, I don't think it is?

If you had stayed abroad do you think you would have grown so much? Your family would have imploded regardless x

I feel like two different people too. I get really exhausted when I've been out at work or out with people due to trying to be someone. I am never myself - don't know who I am really.

mh No you are right. I dont think I would have grown as much. I would have blamed my sadness, feelings of abandonment on the country I was in.
But now I want to go back, I dont know if this is real. Or I am wanting to get away from bad feelings.

bookcase Perhaps I feel he and dd will leave me eventually. Abandonment feelings are overwhelming for me. i think that is why Im obsessed with a third dc. The thought of dd going to school, but she doesnt even go until 2012. I am even laughing at myself now as it seems so ridiculous writing it down.
I think the person that socialises is still you. It just takes time for the two seperate part of self to integrate.
I do take more risks now and say things I really do think or feel despite fearing rejection.
i am just so glad you are getting out there and doing it bookcase.
You deserve happiness you know.

I have no I idea who the real me is MH. Possibly, the me that types on here. Perhaps it's easier to hide in plain sight on here than in rl.

Again, trs I can relate to that. I'm convinced that something terrible is going to happen to dd and/or dh and I'll be left on my own; or that dd will grow up and never want to see me again. There's something there about our children internalising us as good mothers and growing up but not away from us iyswim.

I spent alot of today trying to convince myself that I was worth being friends with. I kept batting away at that monkey on my shoulder but it's attached by invisible elastic or something.

Fab, if you're still around. There have been times on here when I've felt intimidated by the sheer speed with which the thread moves and the self-awareness people show. Sometimes I feel positively monosyllabic and incapable of typing anything of worth.
I guess I'm just trying to say that if any of that resonates for you, you are not alone with it and it may be worth taking the risk.
Equally, if you feel you need to protect yourself, that's fine too x

Fab , snow, loster and everyone else hope you have peaceful days over the holidays.

Can i ask a question ? .

Does anyone else think that this time of year makes things worse ?

We are constantly bombarded with images of perfect christmas celebrations , adverts for gifts for mums,dads , siblings ect. Its a relentless reminder of what we dont have.
Its so difficult to rise above it.

Im very aware that no-one has lives like those portrayed by the media. But no bloody wonder we are all having wobbles .

Same thing at mothers day & fathers day.

I think we are all greiving on some level for what we should have had.

Absolutely droves. Every year I get together with my mum, brother and sister in an attempt to put the past to bed. It never goes well. The carpet can hardly stay flat with all the issues brushed under it.

Hello again.

I went off to wrap yet more presents for the kids.

Yes, I do find it hard to keep up with this thread as it goes so fast and by the very nature of the thread, the posts are long, so it is hard to build up a memory of who is who and who has said what.

It did help putting it into words. So much so I can't understand why I have never done it before.

I have been a bit mad with dh tonight though haven't said much. When he comes in with a glass of wine I think that means he doesn't want to have sex with me. We don't do it that often and never when he has had a drink. I actually asked him about it and he said he was stressed and it isn't about not wanting sex. I know he would be willing to satisfy me but I told him it is the loving I want, not just an orgasm.

I have been thinking about an ex these last couple of days. He texted me out of the blue last week and I didn't reply. Rather surprisingly I felt nothing and felt no desire to reply but with other stuff going on this week I have really missed him. Earlier I asked DH what he would do if he wasn't a husband and father for 2 days and he said sleep and eat. I said what, no naughty fun? and he said no. He said what about you? Me - hell, yes. Oops said more than I should have then.

I still feel something for my ex but we don't have any kind of relationship as I can't handle it and it always makes me sad when I think about him as there is a bit of me that wants to be with him but also sad because after everything we went through together we can't be friends. There is still lust there and that is why. But I wouldn't want to be without dh so it is a no-brainer as well as a confusing situation that is actually quite clear.

I have mixed feelings about my mother too and can't see a resolution with that.

I really hope I am not going to regret posting all that.