Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

[CuriousSub]

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

Well thank you Butterbur, that was a breath of fresh air!!

I want to be used as a sex object when I am having sex, whether I am tied up or not!!

People seem to assume alot here. I am a VERY independant and confident woman in my everyday life. I make all the decisions for me and my family and enjoy being in control there. BUT, that makes the thrill of handing the control to someone else during sex very exciting and whether you like the term "sub" or not, I enjoy it.

I will go ahead with the meeting planned for Saturday and, if anyone is interested I will report back. Dont worry, no details!!

Dittany, spanking eg striking the buttocks with one's hand is not actually a very dangerous activity and it is for many people an enjoyable one for both pyschological and physiological reasons.

I'm also unsurprised that someone's come on to have a pop at re-enactors and gamers too, ooh eek yuk, thye must be 'sad' because they don't watch the X factor or spend enough time shopping... There is actually a lot of crossover among various types of hobby/interest that involve dressing up, playing games and making your own entertainment instead of buying or watching it, and of course the biggest factor all these hobbies have in common is how much Straightworld is afraid of them.

It says that he likes being in control.

I dont see any problem with that

Spanking does not have to hurt - that's not the point of it, not for me anyway - It's a game, it gets the endorphins flowing and takes you to a different physical and emotional level. It's not upsetting or humiliating, it's exhilarating and fun.

Being hit across the buttocks with a garden cane, now that would bloody hurt, but some people like it, not for me but then neither is jumping out of a plane or skiing down a mountain.

Funny people are mentioning gamers etc. DH and I are huge gamers and sci-fi geeks, I love Steampunk and I love the idea of Cosplay too.

"One question - why does he want to spank and dominate Curious. What does that say about him?"

Well, it could say that he's a violent murderer. Or it could say that, like thousands and thousands of other people in this country, he's found that spanking and role play can be mutually satisfying, sexually.

Guess people just have different opinions and experiences and desires to Dittany, I suppose.

OP please sign up to informedconsent if you haven't already. You will find loads of information and support there. I think you need to talk to other subs - you will find plenty there.

Hey I wasnt slating gamers. Not at all.

A lot of people dont enjoy the hobby aspect of bdsm though, some just like hot, kinky sex and all the other elaborate, ritual type stuff is a turn-off. Was just a bit of a tangent really after reading certain posts.

Sigh. Can't believe I'm going to engage, but:

It's kind of like, when you're working out, your muscles are sore but it feels good. And when you're in the rhythm of working out, you can push yourself further than you otherwise could.

It's like that. But sexy. On arse-cheeks instead of muscles.

Working out is not the same as being deliberately injured by someone else who is getting off on it.

That has consequences for your self esteem and consequences for how the relationship develops.

Spanking doesn't injure you.

I don't like sprouts. I think they're disgusting actually. I don't advocate that people shouldn't eat them at Christmas though, even though I haven't the slightest idea why they would want to, and think that as vegetables go, they are a bit nasty and wrong.

It does injure you - I had black bruises on me from spanking and the psychological scars were even deeper.

It affected the way I viewed myself in a very negative way.

And the problem is it all happens so gradually that you don't see you're being manipulated.

How horrible for you, electra. That sounds more like beating than spanking. If it leaves more than a temporary red mark, it is not what most people would define as spanking.

And the sprouts, BoF?

It was BOF but at first he did it lightly and it all got completely out of hand. By the time it did, I wanted him to do it anyway. He did other stuff as well and I got to a point where I felt it didn't matter. I think he enjoys hurting people generally but this was masqueraded as some kind of affection.

There is no way I would ever want anyone to do this to me now. And I'm very glad I can see it all so differently. But at the time I thought I was enjoying it.

Sod it I'm not going to namechange so here goes.

I'm a sub, now married to a dom. We met on a BDSM website. I agree that there are many many dodgy to say the least people out there masquerading as doms when in fact they just hate women and want to hurt them. On the other hand there are thoroughly lovely people who enjoy the thrill of domination or submission, being spanked or spanking.

DH and I began our relationship in the same way as a vanilla couple, we went out on dates, got to know each other, fell in love and had sex. We obviously had a conversation very early on about what we both wanted sexually as genuine Dom/subs usually have very specific turn ons/offs.

I have 'played' previously and I have to say that although it was fun, it is nothing compared to the joy of a loving trusting full time d/s relationship.

Be wary, be careful, don't take any unecessay risks and enjoy!

Don't try spanking after eating sprouts. That much I am sure of.

Loving and consensual spanking is as much about violence and hurting someone as cuddling your children is compared to Paedophilia.

Oh dont be silly - I love a good spanking but of course it is related to violence.

For some - probably most - it could barely be described as violence but it is about one person hitting another. It just is.

mm, I luuuurve sprouts I do

I could eat 'em on a butty

Dittany, you posted some "analysis" from what purported to be some sort of research experiment. I grant you that the people in the second group and the third group should definitely be avoided, but look at how the first group is described:

"The dudes in the first group were the least overtly terrifying of the bunch, but they were creepy and offensive in their own way. Most of them wrote what could best be described as novellas and used the word ?art? in their comical and terribly written blatherings about their BDSM ?philosophies.? Their descriptions of their sexual fantasies were like letters to Penthouse Forum written by dudes who wear eyeliner, with a lot of ?trembling,? ?aching,? and ?quivering? in between the generous helpings of ?pussy? and ?cock.? They all described the mental and physical sensations they would cause our poster to experience down to the last detail with the kind of confidence that only men who are terrible in bed possess. Nearly all of them explained that their ultimate purpose was to help their submissives grow as human beings and that they understood that feminism had caused emotional conflicts for women who felt the ?natural? ?feminine? urge to submit to a (much older and wiser, naturally) man/dad/teacher (for a bunch of purportedly countercultural motherfuckers, these guys sounded an awful lot like Promise Keepers). Many of them addressed our poster as ?little one.? Honestly, I thought I was reading the lyrics to a George Michael song half the time. Retch is right. These guys may have even fooled themselves into believing that their particular sexual fetishes are the kinds of things that women ?crave deep within their souls,? but they?re kidding themselves with all their talk of transgression. "

Do you think the language used to describe these men is at all dispassionate or academic, or would you agree that this 'researcher's' prejudice against such practices colours everything she writes?

There is no allowance at all in this piece for the possibility of benign, mutually enjoyable interactions that so many posters here are describing.

These people do not get a fair crack of the whip from you.