Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

[CuriousSub]

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

Have pm'ed you SGB x

Oh no!

I've missed Christmas! According to SGB's site spring is here.

Informed Consent is a great place to go to talk to likeminded folk. They are generally welcoming and the forums are great for advice.

As for clubs, I live in Scotland too and have been to clubs in Glasgow and Edinburgh. Could be good if you want to experience a few things such as bondage or flogging in an open environment where you know there are plenty of people around to notice if things are going too far for you (also good if you like the exhibitionism although tbh I found once I got into it I didn't notice anything around me at all). If clubs are not your thing though don't be put off D/s because of it, I consider myself sub and have had some very fulfilling relationships but dislike the club setting as I personally find that the people can be a bit cliquey (sp?). They are always welcoming to newbies though.
SGB I'm not sure the bitchiness has changed much in the last 15 years - I've not really been active in the club scene for 5yrs because I was put off by that, like two rival munches on in Glasgow at the same time on the same night because the organisers fell out. That's not to say there aren't some wonderful people involved and I do have a few friends who are well known on the 'scene' up here.

OP good luck with it. Usual advice of be safe, set out some ground rules before starting anything, and just because you're sub doesn't mean you can't still say no (or another agreed safeword).

Thanks fayc84.

He has talked about clubs but knows that it is in the future. I think I need to understand this role a bit better, and have time alone with him to get my confidence before we try anything like that.

For most people, is the sub/dom relationship also the main relationship or do you have another partner? I am not sure how this works as we will only be able to see each other, maybe, once a fortnight.

We hope to meet next Saturday. I cant tell you how excited I am

That is interesting funkysnowskeleton, even though we have only emailed/texted and talked (briefly) I have already felt some protection towards me. Like he wants to look after me.

It depends what you are looking for. You mentioned it just being fun and about lust. That's more a Top/bottom relationship I think meaning it's more a 'play' thing, either sexual or non, albeit with someone it sounds like you could be friends with, whereas for me I would say that D/s really has to be within a wider and deeper relationship. Personally I see my submission as a part of who I am in all of my life, and I would want a Dom to control/look after me in more ways than just sexual. I have done it as a fun thing and not as a 'main' relationship, but I enjoyed it a lot more as part of a more full-on, loving relationship. But like any relationship it just depends what you both want and need and what is practical. Sounds like you are being sensible about meeting etc and I hope it all goes well x

I think the fun/lust thing is my doing. I am just out of a 17yr marriage and dont want anything heavy. I really just wanted some fun but didn't expect all of this but now it is being offered, I really want it!

A lot of people find that with D/s. It's like suddenly your eyes are open to all these new and exciting things. I find giving control to someone you trust a very liberating thing, if that makes sense.

eyes are def open to all these exciting things. Makes me kick myself i didn't leave the marriage sooner. I just know that giving control to someone else will feel liberating fayc84 xx

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to add my pov. I've had one particular relationship that involved this and although I definitely am turned on by being a sub, I feel that is was very bad for my mental health and I have promised myself never, ever to go there again.

The man in question was a sadist and because I got close to him I allowed him to break my barriers so that he hurt me more and more. I was often covered in cuts and bruises that I had to try to explain to people.

I would not recommend it - I believe it damaged me.

Sorry your experience was so bad electra. From all my chats with dom man i made it clear that i dont do pain and he said that was fine. It seems to be more of a sex-thing for him.

But i will check again with him now as that is a worry - Thanks

Yes sorry to have sounded so negative - I just wanted to let you know what happened to me but I'm sure not all people into this are sadists.

dittany speaks a lot of sense - spanking does hurt and it will likely get harder and and harder and then transfer into something else. It is true that you will think you like this when in reality the guy is manipulating.

BDSM is like cycling.

Some people who do it are very nice and some are complete shits.

Right - alot to think about here!

Thanks Dittany, I really understand what you are saying and I know it is difficult to "know" someone on here but you have assumed a bit about me. I dont think I am niaive and I not going into this blind. I have always known that I love to be dominated sexually but my stbx-h wasn't happy with the role so, apart from a couple of experiments, it wasn't something he wanted to do.

I also disagree that I am doing this to please a 26yr old. In fact I have looked at this quite selfishly that I will get some pleasure from this. And I feel, after emerging from an awful few years in my marriage, that I just want to let my hair down and have some fun. Straight sex is of no interest at the moment.

Other people on this thread have brought up the term BDSM. I never mentioned that and my Dom contact hasn't either. He just talks about dominating me sexually. He also hasn't used the "real" or "true" labels.

But I want you to know that I really appreciate your comments. I read them earlier and have spent the best part of the day re-considering what I was about to do.

I am very unsure now and will speak to Dom-man later.

I have also been privately messaging SGB and she has been helpful. We are at opposite ends of the country so she cant be any more use than to give me advice.

But I also agree with Tiggy, in that there are good and bad in all walks of life. I dont believe that all men involved in dom/sub relationships are women hating sadists, though I know there must be alot out there.

I still have all week to think about this. If anyone is interested I will let you know what I decide and what happens

My husband of 25+ years certainly isn't a woman hating sadist - he just likes spanking me because he knows how much I love it and love him being dominant in bed.
I'm 44 and I didn't know I liked this kind of sex until a couple of years ago.

Thanks Mal, it is nice to have some positive input (sounds fun )

I'd be very wary of starting something with a man young enough to be your son though, it's got the ick factor for me I'm afraid.

Late to this thread, sorry, but..

I think that this side of yourself should be explored within a loving relationship, where you know that person has only your best mental and physical health at heart

You cannot know that about some random off the internet

It sounds to me he is sensing what you think you need to hear, and responding accordingly

Please proceed very, very carefully

Although, tbh, if you were a friend of mine I would be urging you to think again

I agree with mal, also, the large age gap is a red flag here. Perhaps not so much in a "normal" relationship, but in one where there is such a massive power-play, I feel it is unhealthy

sgb is experienced in this it seems, but she cannot be there for you physically. If you were my friend, I would worry for you, if not physically, then certainly emotionally and mentally...you sound like a girl in the candy store who is going to end up being very, very sick

just my opinion of course