Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

[CuriousSub]

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

You could go for a nice meal as friends to see if you click. I agree I do not see this type of relationship as a casual it is alot deeper than that and something casual is what I call being kinky in a vanilla type relationship.

What experience has this man can you speak to previous subs. I would talk to old school old timers for their views by the way not sure if anyone told you on informed a new subby brings the Doms out likes bees round a honeypot so be careful to explain your learning not looking.

Also nothing stopping you from meeting him with a friend or fellow mumsnetter.

we will meet in a public place first.

CS, that actually wouldn't reassure me

it just gives him more opportunity to look for visual cues to reel you in

sorry

Thanks AF for your concern.

The problem with this sort of thing is that the danger is very much part of the excitement. I also realise that I am coming out of a 17 yr marriage with the need to put that mundane, boring life behind me and do something that takes me out of my comfort zone.

And no, I dont fancy taking up extreme ironing!!!

so you would recklessly put yourself at risk ?

too much of a leap, for me

so your marriage was boring and mundane ?

ok

your next relationship might not be..

don't throw caution to the wind completely with a random internet person

it is madness

lots of nice blokes are far from "boring" and "mundane"...why do you have to go so far to the other end of the extreme, particuarly since you seem rather ill-prepared for it ?

There is also the point that domination/sub DOES NOT involve sex at all.

Are you looking for a sexual experience in this situ OP cos if you are then you are thinking about it from the wrong angle.

Completely ignorant about this world but I just had an idea - if you explained that you were concerned about the risk, do you think you could talk to his ex - the 'previous sub' he mentioned. Obviously you'd never normally ask someone for a 'reference' from their ex, but if he was ok with it it might be a fast way of finding out whether he genuinely respected his sexual partners or whether he's someone you should avoid.

Good luck.

Whle there is a risk that the OP's new playmate could be a bad person, the risk is about the same as if she was arranging to meet any kind of interenet date. Internet dating is a litte risky (though most of the time the worst thing that will happen is you will be bored by the person).
The OP is an adult with all her mental faculties intact. Several people have advised her of the bog-standard precautions to take when meeting anyone that you only know through emails/text etc. Now it's up to her.
Also, the reson some people like being spanked/.tied up (not everyone does, obviously) is fairly basic - it's the same 'safe scare' as some people get from rollercoasters, extreme sports or horror films. Extreme sports, BTW carry just as much risk of physical injury if not a lot more, than BDSM does, yet people who want to jump out of aeroplanes or climb sheer rockfaces or whatever are not seen as freaks.

I cannot agree that arranging an interaction of this nature is only the same risk as a "normal" internet date.

How can it be ?

She is looking for somebody to sexually dominate her. By the law of averages, that is going to attract more nutters than usual, no ?

who is talking about "freaks" ? Only you said that, sgb.

AF: Having been on and around the fetish scene for more than 20 years, if anything the percentage of unpleasant nutters is slightly lower than I have found among mundanes (ie nutters-per-pubful-of-people). Most BDSM fans (same as most people) are basically OK and not malevolent. BDSM is (for most of the OK people who enjoy it) a game with rules. THe fact that this bloke is spending a lot of time discussing stuff with the OP suggests he undeerstands this.

I've found most of the nutters are only on-line nutters. It's all fantasy for them. If you meet real people in real life you'll be fine.

I guess we will never agree on that, sgb

I just wanted to add my own mundane voice (as someone who has known lots of nutters over the years, of all sexual tastes) to ask her to take care and think very, very carefully about what she is doing

I would do it for anyone chasing a sexual relationship with someone they met online, who has come out of a long and bad marriage

words are cheap, are they not ?

Jumping in with both feet is too much, too soon, IMO

< shrugs >

I do appreciate the concern, honestly especially as so many of you are people that I look up to and respect on here

I know this is a hard one for anyone to understand if you dont want to be in a dom/sub relationship but I do - and not just because he is 26 (he will be 27 tomorrow, so that changes everything!!).

We chatted again, at length, and he seemed truly surprised that I thought he would hurt me. This whole thing to him is just about sexual play, and even though dominance comes into it, he has no desire to hurt me. I dont expect everyone to understand what I want to do, but then I didn't come here for approval, I was just asking for advice from people who had been/are in a dom/sub relationship.

I will be meeting him in a public place and hopefully we will like each other enough to take things further

will you let us know how you get on ?

I love to be proved wrong, honestly

Definitely AF

I will be back after our meet on Saturday to let you know what happened

and thanks again!

good luck wth the meeting CuriousSub

I'm sure you've been getting great advice from SGB and have taken on board all the advice here, I would suggest though that if you are serious about exploring this side of your sexuality that you sign up to InformedConsent and spend some time on there reading through old threads and having a good look round the site. There is a wealth of experience on there, from people at all stages of the journey of discovery who will help you make the right decision about whether you do this or not and who with.

There are many emotional aspects to what you are thinking of doing and I think you'd be better off on a site dedicated to the subject as you will probably need more support than you are likey to find on here.

AF: She's meeting the bloke in a public place to see if she fancies getting up to fun and games with him. That's a risk that an adult is entitled to take if they so choose. Dating anyone at all is a risk at some level (let's not forget that men who are not into BDSM and who seem very conventional can turn out to be the most appalling bastards and this often doesn;t become really clear until you've been dating them a while).
We've advised the OP on the safety precautions to take (which anyone meeting a potential date should take anyway) and pointed out some possible red flags (none of which this bloke appears to have shown).
SO people going 'Bwaaah, don't do it, it's not normal, what women really want is Love and Romance' is a bit pointless.

oh do shut up, sgb

I haven't said any of that twaddle on this thread

please quote where I banged on about "love and romance"

where did I say "not normal" ?

the OP appreciated my concern, I have as much right to post as you do, so quit putting words in my mouth

sometimes I think you are the romancer

Is it what you'd be happy for your Daughter to do?
Taking those risks?

Whatever floats your boat! I am with AF on this. Be very, very careful! I would NOT be happy for my daughter to do this, but on the other hand appreciate that when she is 46 she can do what the fuck she likes.

I am probably more concerned with the internet nature of things. It's not like SGB where she has been to a club, where people know each other.

I hadn't thought about that merrily, but, you know, if she felt safe and it was something that she wanted to do, then yes, I would be ok with it

Forgive me but is BDSM
Bondage,domination,sado masochism?

Really just asking.Have been trying to work it out.