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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A womens perspective

157 replies

MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 13:49

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice if possible.

got two DS one is 2.5 and the other is 8m.

Wife and I have not had proper intimacy for a while (i mean real intimacy) we do have sex once a week on a Sat night (not making love more a chore for her)

I thought I would be honest with her last night and said that I miss us having real kisses. this was taken completely the wrong way and ended up being that she is scared of showing me affection and that she has deliberately distanced herself from me because in her eyes, I always want to take it further.

I realise that she has changed but im really confused in what I should do. Do i leave her alone until she initiates any sort of holding hands, cuddles kisses etc.

At the moment I just feel that she does not want me.

Any advice would be appreciated. thanks,

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:06

Oh dear, if she finds that every time you kiss her you are looking for sex, that is a horrible feeling when you are knackered by childcare demands, it feels like you are being used!

You need to go right back to basics, if I was you I would gently touch her on the shoulder affectionatly etc, I would not even try and kiss her for a few weeks, let her trust you, then start the kiss on the cheek stuff, for another two weeks and slowly build up, don't try and have sex just yet and keep this up forever, or the same thing will happen again, love her all the time, not just when you fancy getting your end away!

Is she breastfeeding? as some women can feel that the baby has her body as it is and to have a man wanting to jump her with no intimacy could make her feel very used!

The fact you posted on here, is a good sign, I wish you well with this x

Why did you stop the touching anyways?

matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 14:13

Agree with you, Mummie. Not all physical contact has to mean it's leading to something else. When you've done something as huge as birthing only 8 months ago (and presumably sleep is broken, etc) it can be all you can manage to get through the day.

Make sure she's OK in herself, gets some time to do her own thing and really encourage her to find out who she is now first is my advice. It's great you're asking about it rather than pushing it and it ending up in a row... if only all DHs were like you!! This is very, very normal, IMHO.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 14:13

We have a great relationship and are best friends. But she miss interprets signals from me when there is generally none.

For example, I gave her a massage every day for a week and did not try once to come onto her(I never get massages). When I do say I want a cuddle she says you only want sex.

She is not BF and she stopped 6m ago but she is very self conscious and is hitting the Wii, Swimming Sit Ups every night (which I am doing with her to help her).

I really do not get the (I am only after sex) it feels like a big cop-out to showing affection.

Her point of view is that she has kids all day while I work and does not need someone else zapping her energy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 14:15

Sleep is broken but it is me that is getting up in the night with the children. (I do this because I can handle less sleep than her and only do it to make her happy). She does get up if I am to knackered to.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:17

Did you give her a massage every day so you could have sex?

Did you ask for a cuddle in the hope it would turn to sex?

Mr Spoc, have you ever asked her what she would like to do if she had a day to herself? ie have the house to herself, go out to a day spa etc, have you ever offered to have the children all by yourself for a day to allow her some freedom?

Was the reason you posted on here so you would get more sex or a concern for your dw?

Lulumaam · 09/12/2010 14:20

having two small children day in day out leaves you drained. even if not breastfeeding or up in the night. toddlers and newborns are a tiring , draining combination, who invariably want / need holding, touching, cuddling, nurturing constantly

can totally understand your wife feeling 'touched out' and not wanting to 'give' any more .

it does feel like a rejection, and i do understand, but she has tried to explain and you are almost glossing over how tired/drained she is.

2 small children is hard, plus she must feel like she's either been pregnant, giving birth, feeding and looking after them with no real gap for well over 3 years . that makes you tired

does she ever get time/space alone to recharge her batteries?

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 14:22

MrSpoc, I'll tell you how I felt when I had tiny children. They demand so much of you physically (cuddles, rocking, climbing on you etc etc) that by the time they were in bed I was touched out. My body and time stopped being my own and had to be at the beck and call of my babies. So once they were in bed, I was almost desperate to be left alone. I just honestly felt like I had no more to give. If my DH touched me I'd feel like screaming, purely because I interpreted it as another demand on me iyswim. Was it fair to feel that way? No. But I did. Things that helped: getting some time to myself (DH would do the evening shift so I could hide in the bath), talking about how I felt and also listening to DH's viewpoint (something which it is easy to forget to do when you're exhausted), but mainly time. Your children will get bigger and your wife will be able to find herself again in amongst all the mummy stuff. But it does take a while. So my advice to you would be to talk honestly about your feelings and to try and come up with a solution (both of you). I would also say that you should try hard not to take it personally. It isn't meant personally, it's just bloody hard to juggle everyone's needs. And it will change.

believeyourtruth · 09/12/2010 14:22

Maybe your DW needs a bit of me-time for herself from the dc and more sleep. It's a demanding time having a baby and toddler.

tesrocks · 09/12/2010 14:24

Mr Spoc

I think you sound lovely and also that it is great you are getting up in the night with the children.

I used to think the same about my DH that if he started touching me it was because he wanted sex. I was honest with him (eventually) and he explained that he just enjoys kissing sometimes, cuddling on sofa and loves to massage me and doesn't do it to persuade me to have sex.

Since this conversation I have started to iniate sex more frequently and accept his kissed and cuddles without presuming he wants more. It is tricky and looking after kids is exhuasting and when they go to bed sometimes all you want to do is collapse in a heap.

Have a chat with DW and perhaps show her this thread...? It might illustrate how much you care and are trying to understand what she is going through.

Good luck!

believeyourtruth · 09/12/2010 14:25

Tiredness and the demands/attention needed for such young dc tends to decrease a woman's 'being in the mood'. Quite common, I would think.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 14:28

Hi MummieHunnie , i think i must come across wrong to women in general. when you wrote "Was the reason you posted on here so you would get more sex or a concern for your dw"

I would of thought that it was obvious. I am concerned that we may be drifting apart and i would like to do all i can to make her happy.

Now if i got more sex then as a male i would be delighted (i dont enjoy sex at the moment because she does not enjoy it and i have turned it down recently when DW has said I can have it) but this is not the issue at all. Please do not think it is.

I was giving her massages as she was tired, ackey and i like to do them for her.

Hope this makes sense.

OP posts:
worthless · 09/12/2010 14:28

I do think that it is lovely to see you asking for advice. I definately think that your wife probably feels hassled and physically/mentally knackered with 2 young children at home all day, every day.

On top of childcare I would imagine that she does all the chores (or lion's share) if she is a SAHM??

By the end of the day she probably just feels completely worn out and fit for nothing.

When you feel pressure - whether it is "real" or in your head then it makes you withdraw. Even when you were doing your massages (which makes you seem a really nice guy) then in her mind she was probably thinking "what is the catch - bet he wants sex".......

Make it clear to her that she is important to you, that you value her as a person, you value how hard she is working as a mum and your wife and friend and tell her that you really do just want to be close but accept that maybe at the moment you just need to take a step back from sex. Spend some time just having cuddles and sitting close to each other and touching (non sexual).

Make it clear to her that you want affection, genuine affection and NOT SEX and mean it!!!!

See what she says

believeyourtruth · 09/12/2010 14:29

Wanting sex tends to go out of the window when you have been looking after dc all day and don't get a break; you want to go to bed to get rest (sleep) to do it all again the next day.

But, I wish I had had a DH who got up in the night - not even once.Angry

believeyourtruth · 09/12/2010 14:31

You are doing the best thing by being supportive and thoughtful; just talk to her and listen.

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:32

I am still unclear what you are looking for advice on then, is it the fact that you feel there is a distance in your relationship and when you communicate with your wife you don't feel that she can hear you?

What do you think will make her happy? Have you asked her what will make her happy?

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:34

Do you think she is unhappy or are you are unhappy? could the distance/unhappyness be that you have to share your dw and it has changed your relationship having children?

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:37

Also what I notice from your communication style is that you don't answer questions, do you do that a lot, as it makes it difficult for people to understand what you mean, as you think it is obvious what you mean and don't clarify?

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 14:37

I think he is just feeling a bit rejected, Mummie. If their relationship was previously very affectionate (hand holding, kissing etc) then he probably feels a bit out in the cold. I know my DH did.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 14:37

I do, do alot to help out as well as running my own company (DW is very supportive of which takes alot of presure off me).

Kids wake at 7.30 - i get up with them and let DW have a lie in till about 8.15 ish. (We take turns in having lie ins at the weekend)

I get home about 6.00 and do everything with kids (bath, feed, play etc) until bed time - i put them down to sleep.

She has an hour a night to go swimming and i keep telling her to go to frineds or even go out for a few drinks but she just wants to stay in.

Is there anything else i could do?
(just noticed that it looks like im winging now).

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:38

You can probably work on yourself and your communication, it will improve your marriage x

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:39

I get that Chicken, I don't think his wife has a hope in hell of getting it as he is expecting her to mind read! feel sorry for them both x

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:40

Mr Spoc, what you describe is what a lot of families life is like, infact your dw has it a little easier than I did, still that is hard work for her!

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 14:42

MrSpoc, you really need to talk to your wife and try and work out what you want the out come to be. Just remember that she is probably under a lot of self imposed pressure (if she's anything like me) and that what she needs most of all is your support. Try and keep talking and ask her about the affection etc.

JodiesMummy · 09/12/2010 14:43

I dont think you are Whingeing and I think you sound lovely.

Your wife sounds very spoilt! Wish my DP gave me an hour's swimming and did night feeds and still fancied me as much as you do your wife!

And whats with the gestapo style questioning from some of you posters? Are men not allowed to ask for help on here?

OP - stand back a bit from your wife. It will do her no harm to make the effort to get YOUR attention for a change. You may even find she likes you more ;)

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 14:43

worthless - thanks, i have tried this, hence the talk last night. i want her to be relaxed an not think that i have a hiden agenda.

MummieHunnie - we abviously do not understand each other. i thought that i had answered your questions.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys - i think you hit the nail on the head. what would you advise me to do?

thank you everyone this is helping me see it from her POV.

OP posts:
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