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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A womens perspective

157 replies

MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 13:49

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice if possible.

got two DS one is 2.5 and the other is 8m.

Wife and I have not had proper intimacy for a while (i mean real intimacy) we do have sex once a week on a Sat night (not making love more a chore for her)

I thought I would be honest with her last night and said that I miss us having real kisses. this was taken completely the wrong way and ended up being that she is scared of showing me affection and that she has deliberately distanced herself from me because in her eyes, I always want to take it further.

I realise that she has changed but im really confused in what I should do. Do i leave her alone until she initiates any sort of holding hands, cuddles kisses etc.

At the moment I just feel that she does not want me.

Any advice would be appreciated. thanks,

OP posts:
PunctuationPixie · 09/12/2010 15:59

I can sympathise with you, but also a lot with your DW as after the birth of our second DC I only had sex once with my DH in 18 months.

I was just bloody knackered all of the time and just never in the mood, so I made sure that opportunities are few and far between, so just like your DW I just couldn't be doing with kisses, cuddles and the like. All I really wanted was to have some time alone and to myself where I don't have to think of anyone else's needs and that included the need for affection from my DH.

Libido in some women takes a hammering after birth. Tiredness and the pressure of never being able to put yourself first is a stress too. If she wants her space - give it to her. If you push it she'll probably avoid you even more. I know its hard, but don't take it personally. The best thing DH could have done to get kisses and cuddles from me during that period would have been to take both children and let me have a night and day to myself!!

FWIW, DH and I now have a decent sex life and kiss and cuddle again - but it didn't start to liven up until youngest DC was 18 months and I stopped being so bloody tired.

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 15:59

This thred has been so helpfull to me, it really helps me to understand why my marriage ended in divorce now, thanks Mr Spoc x

PunctuationPixie · 09/12/2010 16:00

Hang on - just spotted the infidelity bit. I was off with my DH without infidelity. With it he would never have got anything from me!!

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 16:02

Poor communication, fear of communicating, guessing, asking others outside the marriage for for advice, not giving the full story, others judging advising on a half story, wedges being put in the middle by the husband bringing others into the marriage...

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:08

MummieHunnie - Not at all, i think you are serously way off the mark. We have a great relationship apart from this. (at the moment it feels like we are best friends but not husband and wife).

I also feel that I have been very clear all along on this site. no one else has said that they struggle trying to interpret what i am asking or saying.

if you would like more info about the "i would not say affair cause nothing sexual was ever mentioned or acted on" i was online and someone who lives 300 miles away was giving me praise for something i did and we were just flirting like little kids at school. (it should never of happended and if my wife did it i would also be deverstated).

OP posts:
GraceAwayInAManger · 09/12/2010 16:09

I suspect she's got a problem with trusting you, MrSpoc. I appreciate that you were shocked at what you'd done and have learned from it - perhaps, to you, it feels as if it's all over but you may be underestimating the depth of her shock.

She was preganant, with a young toddler. Most women feel all whacked out under those circumstances, losing confidence in their femininity & personality. Then the one person she trusts to love her as she is, to stand honestly by her, turns out to be lying to her and seeking sexual thrills from other women. It's not only hurtful, it totally undermines the foundation of your relationship :(

I wonder if you told her, then, that it was "only about sex"? I'm asking because it might have set an idea in her mind that you prioritised sexual gratification over your love for her and your kids. Are you understanding what I'm trying to describe here?

From your posts, I think there's a very very good chance you can fix it. To get there, though, you'll need a great deal more sensitivity to her fears & insecurities. Counselling could be a big help here, but first I think you need to show her a lot of gentleness & understanding. Resist the temptation to think you know what she "should" feel! I know logic doesn't come into it, feelings are just that - feelings. They can't be right or wrong. Try to respect hers, and offer her loads of really good listening.

I wish you luck :)

loopylou6 · 09/12/2010 16:11

Mummiehunnie you are sounding quite insane, you're like a dog with a bone.

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 16:11

Did you wife praise you and flirt with you a lot more before the children came along? is that what you want from her more praise?

newnamethistime · 09/12/2010 16:11

There are several obvious reasons for your problems.

Your 'flirting' on-line while your dw was either pregnant or soon afterwards is MASSIVE and is obviously in no way resolved, despite your hoping it is....

Actually I think you are extremely naive to think that all that had just gone away (because you wanted it to).

The other thing is possible PND - feeling tired all the time, lack of interest in doing things perviously enjoyed etc. And I hate to say it - having an unsupportive partner is a big risk factor in getting PND - while you might be supportive now in a practical way - emotionally you were very obviously not supportive re. on-line emotional affair/flirting.

I would suggest some form of counselling to help - a good start would be asking WWIFN for advice (previously suggested by several posters)

newnamethistime · 09/12/2010 16:12

previously..

lydiamama · 09/12/2010 16:13

Hi Mr Spoc, you sound like a lovely loving husband and father:) Let me tell you how I felt after the birth of my girl, well the only mention of the word sex made me sick, I hated anything related to that for a few months, then it got slightly better, but still no any interest from me at all, for around 12 months. And yes I was tired, yes I was not sleeping, but it was no that, it was just MY BODY rejecting it, I was not at all like that before, not that I understand why that had happened either. When DD started walking, I felt better and better about it, and as she got more independent I came back to my normal self, that taken around 24 months in total. Looking back, I think that until I was not ready to concieve again, my hormones were keeping my livido on the floor, so I would not fall pregnant. You have to allow time to your wife to come back to normal (she will), she is not rejecting you, just she is not 'in the mood'. Keep being as you are, give her time to overcome the online flirting (that may add a lot to the hormones), best wishes.

loopylou6 · 09/12/2010 16:14

Mrspoc, how did your wife 'find out' about tour online thing? also how long did it go on for?

Lulumaam · 09/12/2010 16:16

see, that was a salient piece of information, totally germane to what is going on

for a lot of women, when the trust is damaged, it's the end. or very hard to get back

she has two tiny chjildren , she gets maybe an hour a day on her own.she is knackered, you had an online flirtation, which if she was pregnant/post partum/tired/overweight/exhausted is not going ot help her feel like rekindling your sex life

you might think it was nothing and she should be over it. but she clearly isn't and her actions are telling you this

how have you proven you've chnaged? that it won't happen again , that it was never anything more than an online flirtation, which is bad enough

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 16:20

loopylou, am here with two ill children, watching rubbish on tv, responding to a post, so yes dog with a bone on this particular poster, I actually find the other things you say quite unnecessary and offencive really, what a nasty thing to say to someone else!

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:21

It lasted 2 may be 3 times (1 week at the most on FB).

She goes on my FB all the time, even when im at work (not because she is trying to catch me out, she plays the games on their)

She also has access to joint account, my phone, e-mails, we share everything. same as me, she would not think it weird if i used her phone or FB.

I am very attentivte to her and try and do as much as i can for her.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 09/12/2010 16:22

And what things would those be?

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 16:23

So why the flirting?

Lulumaam · 09/12/2010 16:24

depends if she thinks the attention etc is a sign of guilt

it's a complicated issue

you need to talk to her, really talk, really listen ,hear what she says and then take steps to make things right

loopylou6 · 09/12/2010 16:24

So did she discover the message herself on your fb then? you say 'flirty' I'm curious to know exactly what your idea of flirty is.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:27

My be it is a sign of guilt. as i am very guily and sorry for what i did (but i have always been attentitive and careing towards her).

Not sure why the flirting, someone contacted me and i was taken with the attention. (My wife does say that i nver realise when someone is flirting with me).

OP posts:
dittany · 09/12/2010 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:39

Yes she discovered the conversation at the time and we discussed what had happended and why.

and the flirting was along the lines of giving each other compliments.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 09/12/2010 16:41

oh, you were just the passive one, sucked into this online flirtation?

It's very telling you asked for a woman's perspective, without mentioning osmething as crucial to the issue a your online stupidity flirtation....

i bet she deosn't trust you at all

waht else you hiding

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 16:41

Right, so it only stopped because she found out? This is your problem MrSpoc. I can't believe that you haven't worked this out tbh.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:42

Hi dittany - it is not the way you have made it out. my DW feels that she has to do it and i have even turned her down a few times recently as i do not want her to have sex unless she really wants it.

as prevously expalined, it is not about the sex but the intamacy that i miss and want to get back.

OP posts: