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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A womens perspective

157 replies

MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 13:49

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice if possible.

got two DS one is 2.5 and the other is 8m.

Wife and I have not had proper intimacy for a while (i mean real intimacy) we do have sex once a week on a Sat night (not making love more a chore for her)

I thought I would be honest with her last night and said that I miss us having real kisses. this was taken completely the wrong way and ended up being that she is scared of showing me affection and that she has deliberately distanced herself from me because in her eyes, I always want to take it further.

I realise that she has changed but im really confused in what I should do. Do i leave her alone until she initiates any sort of holding hands, cuddles kisses etc.

At the moment I just feel that she does not want me.

Any advice would be appreciated. thanks,

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 14:45

Mr Spoc, I asked questions to help you by understanding the situation further, as sometimes people give off an overview that when you look deeper is not the true picture and for some reason you don't want to share more which is your option, I wish you well and hope that you look at how you communicate x

matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 14:46

No, I think you're probably wondering whether there's anything else you could be doing that could improve your relationship. And in my book that makes you a good partner looking for the closeness that you maybe both took for granted when you had more time and energy for each other.

I don't think you're necessarily doing anything wrong at all, the whole scenario's just knackering - for both of you! Someone on here suggested a moratorium on sex for a while, so it's actually a tacit agreement that it won't happen for a while. If she can relax and see that you are trying to offer her something (and not looking for sex, just trying to rekindle some non-sexual intimacy because you need to know the relationship's OK) then maybe she'll be able to put into words what she most needs right now. And if you've already had that discussion, then maybe it will all just take time.

It took me at least 12 months after birth to feel in any way ready to offer much. Could be the same for her, though it's so individual..

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 14:47

I really think you need to have a full and frank discussion with your DW. Explain your feelings, but listen when she explains hers. Try and find some common ground without blaming anyone. I know that when I really felt that DH had heard me, that I felt much happier about hearing his grievances. It can make you fele terribly lonely to lose affection from someone, so I understand how that will be making you unhappy. I know that I used to jump the gun all the time, so if DH hugged me I'd already be leaping ahead to 'he wants sex, the bastard'. That was my issue. I don't think DH understood the physical toll of small children, because he was only with them a few hours a day. I couldn't pee in peace for years. It makes you a bit mad. I was jealous over my own body in a way.

nubbins · 09/12/2010 14:50

blimey, looks like most things have been covered. I feel similar to your wife at the moment and very little my dh does can affect the way i feel.

Does she want more intimacy? Could it be a contraceptive pill affecting her mood? does she miss her work or any interests she had before the kids? could she need a holiday?

matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 14:54

Also wanted to say that it sounds like you have a really good division of labour going on between you (lots of relationships don't - hence there are a lot of very angry stay-at-home partners out there!)

There's actually not many things that make the stay-at-home partner more angry than when the other person says they're 'helping out' at home. It's not 'helping out' when the home and the children are also yours. When you're both at home, it should be divided as fairly as possible between you over the course of a week, say. After hours and at weekends, the housework/shopping/parenting etc are shared tasks.

It is hard on both of you to try to find some enthusiasm for each other once everything else has been done, but keep at it - you sound like a keeper to me, and even if she can't see it, I'm sure there are many things about you she appreciates.

Having 2 children is much harder than having one.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 14:54

thanks JodiesMummy - my DW is not spoilt she works very hard for us and has even managed to get us out of debt. I no she has been worrying about money again recently and also we had a rocky patch last year and I was flirting with a girl online. (which i am very sorry about and would never get in that situation again).

So she has her reasons but i am struggling.

OP posts:
matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 15:00

Ouch. That may have scared her quite a bit.. we all make mistakes, but after you've had a baby these things can come back to haunt you.

After you've had a baby you can feel quite weird about yourself - physically especially. If you're not feeling totally secure, something like that could be really difficult.

Not judging, just saying that could be influencing the mix here. Time, time, time.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 15:06

Yes i understand that and she knows he sorry i am and it is something that i will try to make up for for as long as we are together.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 15:13

It sounds like the problems are with you really Mr Spoc, the guilt, the repercussions, the poor communication etc, it sounds like a complicated issue, you may want to see a counsellor to sort it through, there is also a very helpfull poster on here, wwifb, who is fantastic at pulling situations such as yours apart, who will be able to help you so much, you would need to give further details, please go back and look through the posts and read them again, you didn't answer my questions, they were posted to help you and you avoided asking them, that made me think that you may do this with your wife and if one of the issues in your relationship is poor communication and you have felt the gap in your relationships prior to the second child, this is not about your wife and her having two little children, it sounds like your issue and that is not always something easy to come to terms with.

I just want to add, that I had poor communication with my ex husband, there was a lot of him expecting me to mind read him, and I sometimes find it hard to work out what the real problem is and end up asking the wrong questions, and not getting situations resolved as I don't understand the problem myself!

You could repost, asking whenwillifeelbetter in the post title to assist you with distance with your wife and recovery from your cheating x

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 15:14

should have said avoided answering not avoided asking

BreakFree · 09/12/2010 15:17

I think your wife sounds a little spoiled as well(in my opinion)! You appear to do an awful lot for her for very little in return.
I agree with Jodiesmummy. I think the more you pander to her the more she is getting her own way. Advice I should really give my self more as well!

Do you think maybe she just doesn't fancy you anymore? Have you asked her out straight why she feels the way she does. I can understand the sex thing because often our libidos just drop off the planet but I can't understand the affection side. If my DP offered me no strings attached pure affection and tenderness things might have been better for us but he is just not that person. (he is a selfish bs!)

She doesn't sound like she is under that much pressure to me at all so I think she is using that as an excuse. Most mums have to deal with kids most of the day and get totally exhausted in the evening and are not up for sex but the problems there in my experience arise from the H or DP huffing his way around for not getting what he wants and you say this is not the case here.
Have you thought about counselling?

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 15:21

Hi MummieHunnie - I wasnt cheating but it was very wrong.

I am not sure what questions you have asked and i have not answered. I appreciate that you trying to help me.

I know that the issue is with me and that i can be too clingy and this is why I am asking what can i do to make her feel better.

We do communicate hence the reason why i told her last night that i miss having real kisses not a peck on the cheek when i go to work. She took it to mean i want sex - sometimes it is hard to explain to her how i feel as it is now trying to explain to you. She is very articualte and can twist things to sound another way.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 15:26

Hi BreakFree i can assure you my DW is not a spoilt madame, it may come across like she is by the way I am writing but she does and has done more for me than anyone else ever has.

Your right i do worry that she has gone off me and does not find me attractive anymore and this is something i would like to change. rekindle the fire etc.

I can probably come across from sulking too which i do not mean to do - she has asked me on occasions if i am in a huff and i have said of course i am not.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 15:27

From what you describe communication is poor, if it was good, you would both undersand what the other was saying and this is not happening?

I have asked you questions previously, that you have not answered directly, you said to one in particular that it should be obvious, well it was not, I like many posters have been guessing and trying to work out what you are saying, we don't know what you are saying as you do not explain fully and do not answer questions when asked for clarification, is this making sense to you?

There seems to be a pattern of people guessing at what you are saying, posters on here and your dw!

you telling her one thing her hearing another, this could be you not explaining yourself well, her not understanding you, or a combination, so you are not communicating what the real issues are and not getting the situation resolved, hence you are posting on here

TurkeyBASTer · 09/12/2010 15:27

Oh FGS!

The poor woman has an hour out of the house per day, in who's twisted perception could this count as spoiled!!

She has to cope with two young children, a recent infidelity and possible issues with depression or anxiety and some of us here, mothers too, are calling her spoiled because her H does no more than his fair share?!

Angry

I'd bet a lot of the current issues with intimacy are due to the time surrounding your infidelity, OP.

You've thrown it in, in a blase manner, many posts in and this leads me to believe that you are not as aware of the depth and longevity of damage that such behaviour can cause to a partner and relationship.

TurkeyBASTer · 09/12/2010 15:31

...as you should be, for the benefit of both of you.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 15:37

Hi TurkeyBASTer the infidelity was a huge mistake that i thought got sorted out. I never did anything and have tried to change and develop to be a better person.

I do feel that since the infidelity she has gone off me completly and i would like to get my DW back.

She may only be with me because of the kids, i dont know. ( i am really trying to sort this out as i would hate to loose her).

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 09/12/2010 15:43

Mrspoc, how long have things been like this? I might be totally off the mark but I think you are doing too much for her, she can't be that knackered if she's using the Wii every n I think you're gonna gave to come right out and ask her if she's happy in the relationship. I would also promise her that kissing andht. cuddling

loopylou6 · 09/12/2010 15:45

Sorry. stupid phone. make it clear that kissing and cuddling will not lead to sex.

TurkeyBASTer · 09/12/2010 15:45

If you don't know the answer to that ("she may only be with me because of the kids") then I think you really do need to speak with her!

If she has been "off you completely" since the infidelity then 'things' are obviously not 'sorted out'.

Couples counselling? Would you be willing to invite her? It does sound as though there is a block to communication between you and whatever the cause, it seems unfair on both of you for neither of you to attain absolute fulfilment within your partnership.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 15:48

the infedelity was over 12mths ago then we had our 2nd DS in April so it has been like this since then.

She is trying to loose weight before Christmas to get back to her "before" pregancy weight and that is why she is hammering the excersie (she has only been doing all this the last couple of weeks).

she has told me she loves me but she needs her space and chance to get back to normal. I just dont understand why she does not want the kisses and cuddles. (She is fine with giving pecks if that makes sense).

OP posts:
matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 15:51

She may also still be quite angry about whatever happened. Things like this rarely just 'get sorted'.

TurkeyBASTer · 09/12/2010 15:52

The infidelity was while she was pregnant.

I am an outsider going only on what you say but I would be truly surprised if this was not at the root of your current situation.

"Hi TurkeyBASTer the infidelity was a huge mistake that i thought got sorted out. I never did anything ...

You did enough damage for the repercussions to have resonated since, it seems!

MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 15:53

Lots of guessing going on here, you with her feelings, her with what you are meaning, nothing straight going on, is this how you were brought up for everyone to guess at things and to avoid actual communication?

Is this how your internet affair started with you pushing a gap in your relationship by asking someone else to judge/guess for you?

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 09/12/2010 15:56

If you'd told this important piece of info at the beginning, it would have helped. It's quite likely that she's angry and hurt about your infidelity. You might think it's sorted out, I'd bet my last quid that it isn't as far as she's concerned. Now I think that you have to go at her pace, however slow that might be. And don't trivialise your behaviour by dismissing it as a reason for her current attitude. I'd second counselling. It will at least show her that you're serious. However, the fact that you have broken her trust is a difficult thing to come back from.