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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A womens perspective

157 replies

MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 13:49

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice if possible.

got two DS one is 2.5 and the other is 8m.

Wife and I have not had proper intimacy for a while (i mean real intimacy) we do have sex once a week on a Sat night (not making love more a chore for her)

I thought I would be honest with her last night and said that I miss us having real kisses. this was taken completely the wrong way and ended up being that she is scared of showing me affection and that she has deliberately distanced herself from me because in her eyes, I always want to take it further.

I realise that she has changed but im really confused in what I should do. Do i leave her alone until she initiates any sort of holding hands, cuddles kisses etc.

At the moment I just feel that she does not want me.

Any advice would be appreciated. thanks,

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 09/12/2010 16:44

probably feels obliged to keep you happy to stop you straying

this is your shit, you need to man up and deal with it. stop fudging the issue

you did not think to mention this in your OP, well, i reckon you took a decision not to mention it, until you'd gauged our reaction/garnered some sympathy

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:46

i see on here alot about people saying that there is nothing wrong with harmless flirting and everyone does it.

Obviously i am very sorry for the hurt i put her through and i am trying to make up for it.

Lulumaam - what is very telling? and what is it i am hiding? There is nothing else to hide and was a mistake at the time.

OP posts:
notjustapotforsoup · 09/12/2010 16:47

You've posted about this before, haven't you?

Ask your wife if she will go to Relate with you. If she will, you make the appointment and arrange the childcare.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:48

Lulumaam - i think that you are way off the mark.

"this is your shit, you need to man up and deal with it. stop fudging the issue"

Why do you think i am on here. It wasnt meantioned at first as it did not occur to me as it was over 12mths ago. it wasnt until i was reacting to peoples advice that it come up. Do you have anything constructive you can offer?

OP posts:
matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 16:49

I think it's pointless to attack the OP. He's being open..

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:49

Hi notjustapotforsoup this is the first time i have posted on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 16:50

thank you matildarosepink

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 09/12/2010 16:54

it's just my perspective

you are lacking intimicay

you are missing a good sex life with your wife

yet don't think to mention something as important as your online flirtation

this is what i would feel/ think in your wife's shoes

and again, you need to talk, listen and hear what she is saying

it is not a harmless flirtaion if it damages your marraige, and no, not everyone does it

boohoo80 · 09/12/2010 17:14

I had 3 children under 2 and the last thing on my mind was sex. Ironic huh.

I think your wife probably just needs time to herself. When your at home all day with young children it's very difficult. I used to say to my husband that I had 3 children pulling out of me all day long and the last thing I wanted was him at me when I could FINALLY sit down in the evening.

Does your wife know that your on mumsnet?

It won't help the situation as you were flirting online previously.

dittany · 09/12/2010 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notjustapotforsoup · 09/12/2010 17:26

I can't imagine the levels of resentment that I would reach if I were in a situation where I felt obliged to have sex with someone who was happy to use me as a wanking device, not long after he'd been massaging his ego with other women whilst I was pregnant with his child.

How do you make it OK in your mind to shag your wife when you know it's a chore for her?

LisasCat · 09/12/2010 17:31

MrSpoc, I can't offer much advice, but I just want to say I think you actually sound like a decent bloke. When I'm too tired, and DP and I go a week or more without sex he looks at porn. I've noticed the correlation in his browser history between our bedroom action and his online looking. Personally I let it go, because I don't think it's that big a deal, unless I ever found a site which involved interaction between him and one of the people on screen, in which case I'd go ballistic. But I'd actually prefer it if I thought he'd approached a group of anonymous women and said "I want to fix this" in the way that you have (even though I don't actually think we need fixing, but you know what I mean. Well maybe you don't.) But I'm only really here giving a different kind of response to try to balance things out a little. I don't think you're a villain.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 17:31

Hi boohoo80 my DW knows i read this site every now and then as it is very interesting understanding the female pshyche (not like i am any good lol). and i do not think that me being on here is an issue. does me typing this mean i am also cheating?

Dittany your are way off the mark. i will try and be seductive and my DW response will be "im not in the mood but if you want it hurry up" and then i will say "no not if you o not want it" does this make more sense?

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 09/12/2010 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 17:35

thanks LisasCat & BeerTricksPotter i will try that and see how it goes.

OP posts:
dittany · 09/12/2010 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 17:42

dittany - we decided as a couple that we need to make more effort (this was after the flirting) and saturday nigghts were are date nights.

recently well only the last three weeks i have been refusing unless she actualy wants it.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 17:47

Mr Spoc, was there an issue with intimacy/sex in the relationship prior to the internet flirting? did it coincide with the first child?

Original poster
MrSpoc · 09/12/2010 17:54

Hi MummieHunnie yes it did. I understand that she was diffrent before we had kids and i suppose i did not realise how much it would affect us both. I suppose i am being childish and expecting too much from her.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 09/12/2010 17:56

So if you could pinpoint an exact time when you started to become happy it was when the first child was born is that correct? Was that when she stopped praising you and flirting with you?

boohoo80 · 09/12/2010 18:03

No of course being on mumsnet doesn't mean you are cheating, but I doubt it's going to help the situation.

I think us ladies are looking at you as a flirt now and not as a man who is concerned for his wife/sex life.

She doesn't want it, so leave her alone for a bit. Nothing more of a turn off than a man banging on about it. No pun intended.

matildarosepink · 09/12/2010 18:29

boohoo80, be careful not to speak for everyone on here, we all have different opinions.

MrSpoc, it could be that your DW is having sex with you now and again not because she wants to, but because she's afraid of the outcome if she doesn't. Sorry to make it sound so depressing a reason, but there it is, for what it's worth. It's just a possible..

It might be worth really telling her - maybe more than once - that sex isn't the be all and end all for you, it isn't the whole reason you love her. And that's why you may suggest no sex for a while.

And she may need to hear many times why you are married to her, why you love her so dearly, and it may take some time for her to gather her response too.

I think if you can be honest on here, you can be honest with her. It will just take time for her to trust you, IMHO.

dittany · 09/12/2010 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraceAwayInAManger · 09/12/2010 18:41

I don't see the date-night programme as a problem in in itself, however I suspect Mrs Spoc might be submitting to sex as part of "making an effort". That was never going to work. I agree your best chance right now, OP, is to tell her you're putting a good long ban on sex (6 weeks?) so she can feel more secure in your affection. I also think you need to face up to the damage your FB flirtation did to her trust in you. Do your level best to ask about her feelings - DON'T minimise her discomforts or justify yourself - and really listen to how she feels.

DuelingFanio · 09/12/2010 18:44

May I ask... when you were flirting with another girl online was your wife pregnant at the time? Could her issues with her body be down to the fact that she feels like she was unatractive while pregnant and that perhaps her lack of desire for you may be directly connected with the fact that you effectively cheated on her?

Also - does your wife use mumsnet?