Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Hi Fire and Where! Can't keep up with all the threads but just want you to know I'm thinking of you both. Much love xx

Hi Goo x

Feeling so depressed today.

Phoned up re counselling - waiting list is 'months' for NHS counselling.

'Marriage Care' counselling also months away and in the evenings so can't go anyway.

I feel so abandoned and alone and hopeless - can't see any future

Hi Where, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Life has its dips, hang on in there.

I know its not easy to get on with things when ur feeling down (I've suffered from clinical depression for 40 years so know the script) but if you can try and do something to keep yourself occupied and not thinking of the obvious. Be good to yourself too.

I always say, if im not good to myself then perhaps no one else will be .. so I enjoy.

The 'hanging in' time is sometimes the worst when you are waiting for appointments to come up.

I wont be online for the next hour or so but I hope things pick up for you. xx

Thanks AnotherMumOnHere

Hi Where

thats a great step going to learndirect and shows at some level you are gathering strength even if it doesnt feel like it.

I am about to finish my computer course through Learndirect and I am dreading it because going to the centre the last 4 months has given me much needed focus and occupied my time. Hopefully it can help you in that way too ?

Just keep going as best you can , if you cant get to actual counseeling have you thought about any books that might help? In the first few months they helped me a great deal to get over the physical pain of the heartbreak even if you just dip in and out of them.

This really is the most devastating of journeys and it can feel like you wont make the finish line but trust me you will but to quote from the Chin Up thread you have to go through it you cant go around it. On which note I havent seen you (or Firepile)on that thread much , if its a case of feeling you shouldnt post because you feel so low then do reconsider. That thread was and the new one still is a lifeline for me.

Take Care x

Hi, I've being trying to follow this thread but, well, there's a lot of it! So I may have missed some important bits.

I just wanted to say that you DH (sorry if you take offence) is a bit of a perv and rather sad, needing to be with young girls to feel young himself. It's all a bit pathetic and I do feel that you'de be better off with someone else who doesn't judge you on how old you are and how perky you are.

Also can you clear something up? I thought the age gap was about 17 years as you are late 30's and he's mid 50's but then I thought I saw later that you said you got together when you were 17 and him 27. Just wondered which one it was.

Thankyou gettingeasier I do lurk on that thread. Good luck with finishing your computing course - I can imagine it has been a focus for you. I hope you can find something to replace it. I almost obsessively read about Mid Life Crisis online (printed some info off too) and it has been very useful. Twat is a walking cliche of MLF and understanding what is going on has help enormously because it has confirmed this is all about him even if he is blaming me for everything. MN support from such lovely ladies has been invaluable - I don't know how I'd have managed without it, particularly the fact that I will eventually come to terms with it.

Hi monkeyflippers It is a long thread, I wouldn't expect anyone to wade through it all! Our age gap is 12 years. I met him when I was 17 and he was 29. I've just turned 39 and he is 51 (though he did once say he was going to remain 44 from then on!)

I hope you don't mind me saying, that a man who is nearly 30 dating a 17 year old is a bit "wrong" if you know what I mean.

I know the breakdown of your marriage must be horrendous especially as you were together so long and from such a young age for you, but I feel that you have so much else to offer. I don't know much about your situation and you life but do you manage to get out much and see friends?

I was wondering if it would be possible for you to maybe start going to an evening class or even singles nights? Exercise classes (Zumba is supposed to be good) and just coffee with friends. Try to get a bit of YOU back.

Sorry if this has all been said already. I usally pop on here when I have a few spare seconds so not long enough to read 558 posts (you popular girl!)

He must have left you feeling so awful about yourself (what is he blaming YOU for exactly?) but at 39 you are still very young and won't have lost your looks or anything silly like that which I suspect he might have said to you.

He is the one with the issues here not you. I really want you to be able to get over him (as if it were that easy), stop worrying about his midlife crisis and start building a new life for yourself.

It does sound to me that the midlife crisis isn't the main problem here anyway. Yes he might be having one but that wouldn't FORCE him to be horrible to you. That comes from him. Also if he was dating a teenager when he was nearly 30 then he has always had these issues. It's not your fault, you were just unlucky enough to end up with him rather then someone who would love you for who you were and love your 30/40/50 something body as much as your teenage one.

I am speaking from a bit of experience here with the older guy/younger girl thing and when I got to the age the guy was (we had split up by then) I couldn't believe how my perspective changed which is hard to see when you are that young. As a woman then in my late 20's I couldn't believe that a man of the same age that I was would be interested in a girl of 16/17 as the difference is huge. They looked so young that is seemed pervy and like it should be illegal! And acted so young! And had so much less life experience which is so important to how you relate to someone. I felt (and still do) that a guy that much older would only go for a girl so young for either sex (taking advantage in my opinion) or because there was something really quite wrong with them which older women just wouldn't put up with, or a complete innability to relate to women of their own age (again warning bells there).

Sending hugs your way.

Hey Monkeyflippers I really appreciate your perspective.

I think you are probably right about him actually. It is only now I am admitting it. I used to think it was ok because he wasn't old enough to be my dad! When I met him I was a young looking (and immature) 17 year old. I thought he looked about 24. He never pressurised me to have sex (he was my first) and waited for months to play 'hide the sausage but did everything else so he was ablt to get pleasure from my 17 year old body. Now he says (to my DD) when he has a long term relationship he wants it to be with someone in her thirties (he is 51).

I thought it was great having an older boyfriend, much better than an immature 17/18 year old. He taught me to drive etc and seemed so worldly - my night in shining armour. He was almost the loving father I never had (that fact was never lost on me) and I think he got an ego boost from being my 'hero'. No coincidence he replicated that with a 22 year old recently.

I definately missed out on the usual teenage friendships/clubbing etc and at the time felt it was well worth it. I have allowed myself to be 'absorbed' by him. Even when I did have friends to go out with, it always felt good to be home with him. Yet I have been lonely without normal friendships. He's never directly stopped me having friends. When I asked a uni friend for dinner with her boyfriend, h wasn't very friendly to them - didn't understand why.

I have read loads about midlife crisis and everything I have read could be written about him. These men blame their wives for their own dissatisfaction with life hence his coldness towards me. Dispite how depressed I'm feeling, I don't blame myself for his apparent perssonality change. My looks are 'average' [face for radio] but there are probably worse looking 39 year olds.

My DD is exactly a year younger than I was when I met him and yes it would be very concerning if a 29 year old was after her - to say the least! I think he feels inadequate - or simply plain pervy?? I would like to know more but you are right, I shouldn't be worrying/thinking about him now.

I do need to get a life and be an independent woman...but the future is so scarey...

Thankyou for your insightful post - made me think...

Typos

Oh Where - I'm so sorry you are feeling low at the moment. The first few months are definitely the worst and it does feel like being on a rollercoaster. Just remember there are lots of people thinking of you here and wishing you well. You will be able to face this journey and find peace at last. I promise x In the meantime, keep posting.

Thankyou for your kindness goo. I take my inspiration from you lovely ladies who are further along the bumpy road than I am

Hi where, sorry to hear you have been feeling down. Have you any plans for yourself at the weekend?

Even if just to put your feet up and watch a film read s good book or a crap magazine.

Please be kind to yourself. You are realizing more and more that the blame lies squarely on your husband's shoulders.

I have come through the mill to the other side - there is hope I promise you.

Well done on the maths! That's extremely brave! Good to fill your time usefully with something that will benefit you. I just wondered if there were any charities locally that ran counselling? You do sound like you are suffering from depression. The way to look forward is to realise that it is your circumstances causing this and with clarity you should feel strong again.

Have you thought of contacting MIND? They cover all aspects of mental health and may have local help.

They have a website if you google them.

Thinking of you and sending hugs from Switzerland xx

Big hugs to fire too xxx

Thankyou Bin

Twat is taking both DC today because I have an awful headache and will go back to bed. When I spoke to him on the phone this morning he said; "I'm very impressed at how well you are coping" I don't get it. I've told him how I'm feeling but he doesn't believe me because he spoke to DDs care Co-ordinator who told him they were not worried about me anymore. maybe it's part of his denial?

Bin, I've been in touch with MIND but their support is limited. I may need to have a look on Google for other charities for counselling - I need something. I can't go on like this for much longer - I hate it but can't snap out of it.

Had a huge 'crisis' last night with DC. DD was on off one screaming inbetween goading DS through her own fustration who was lashing out at her. Phoned MAST team who phoned back 1.5 hours later asking; "has everything calmed down now?" A bit bloody late. I phoned them before DC kicked off because I was feeleing so desperate but had to wait and wait. The same bloke who came round before is coming round again Tuesday. He just says "you need to get out and meet people" If it was that simple I would be doing it. Feels like I am being fobbed off and no one wants to listen to how I'm feeling.

I know my h is to blame - still feel crap

Ok you go back tot bed and have a rest. Have you tried some rescue remedy or something to give you a little bit of calm from the anxiety.

Can you try and get some air and exercise later take the dog for a walk? Might clear your head a bit.

Where does your friend live, the one who came round the other day? Can they come round. Wish I lived nearby I would come round and have a coffee and a hug x have you though t about a mumsnet meet? You deserve a life, and something to look forward too if you feel ready. It is small steps I know.

Where are your parents around and do they know what is going on? I think you mentioned them earlier in the thread but a good 200 or so posts back!

Your teens are bound to squabble, if you can't cope and it is getting out of control then call tat and get him to come round and do some bloody parenting. He is getting the easy end of the stick and he knows it. He can at least man up for his kids can't he?

Thankyou Bin How are you?

My friend is very busy with her 4 DC and her Dad is very ill in hospital so I can't expect too much off her. She did suggest lunch on Friday though which will be nice.

I've been estranged from my parents for years BUT I did contact my mum the day after I found out everything and to her credit she wants contact with me and has been supportive. She lives 160 miles away and doesn't travel but she is often on the end of the phone.

My DC have spent the day with Twat and DD was crying in his bathroom and in one of her states and he got fustrated with her and lost his temper and basically punched her and when she fell down on the floor she accidently kicked the sink pedestal and he got even more cross and kicked her shouting ata her not to break the stuff in his flat etc. He them dragged her down the stairs telling her "you won't cry like this outside" and took her and DS across the busy road to a shop to buy credit for DS's mobile. DD said everyone in their cars were staring (no one got out to assist - probably didn't want to interfer). By the time they all got back to the flat they had calmed down and twat and DD had a talk. he was back to his nice self for the rest of the day BUT they dropped DS off at ice skating and then went shopping. In Waterstones he chatted up a woman by talking about a film and offering to take her to the the cinema. DD heard her say "no thanks" to twat and he told DD "it was worth a try".

I emailed him and he admitted he and DD 'had a fight' cos she was 'smashing up my flat'. Obviously I told him what I thought . I also told him not to chat up women when out with DD .

DD keeps defending him saying it was her fault because of her behaviour and it 'wasn't that bad' etc. I've explained why it is unacceptable but she isn't really listening. He is normally loving but he completely 'lost it'.

He wants to pick her up in the morning to go food shopping for both homes - don't know what to make of that. He's also offered to pay for a cleaner for me because I've let the house get into a tip since December. I'm stressing about money but he thtinks there is lots of money because he's down graded his car and only paying interest on the mortgage.

I need to keep DD safe. He is usually ok but how do I know he isn't going to 'lose it' again?

Where that sounds awful. He cannot act that way around her. Can he not see that he is responsible for her behaviour patterns?

What an awful thing to do to his daughter. I told my husband and he wants to come round and kick the shit out of him. I have eating disorders that were totally put on me by my mum and dad who were very abusive to me. Does he think this is helping the situation?

So what if she did trash something in his flat? Are the dc's not allowed to express any rage or anger that he has selfishly destroyed their family and pulled the trust and dependance out from their feet? He needed to put up and shut up not punch and kick her. Dear god, I would have been tempted to call the police.

As if you need him to start stirring up a hornets nest when you are still trying to work out your feelings about the end of your relationship.

I would be tempted to tell him he can't see the kids until he can convince you he has this anger issue sorted. What did your ds say about the whole occurrence? However your feeling have no doubt you are doing a better job of holding it together for your family where.

Sounds to me like the stress of his choices is finally getting to him. Perhaps he is seeing the results of his selfish actions and he can't handle it Don't let him put any pressure on you though. If he thinks getting a cleaner gives you time to work etc. Be wary of an agenda in his actions.

How are things moving with the solicitor? I would feel more comfortable for you if everything was on the table and you could do some planning for the family.

Asking a young woman on a date in front of his daughter on her visiting weekend while he is still a married man. If he can't see how sad pathetic and wrong that is then he is a deluded twat where, and you are better off kicking him to the curb.

Thankyou so much for your reply Bin. I'm sorry to read about your eatting disorders and the reasons behind them - awful. You have confirmed what I am thinking about everything.

• His denial means he won't admit to his effect on DD. I think he likes to think she is 'better' so life is easier for him

• On email he did admit he shouldn't have done it. But he did say he 'fought with her' because she was 'smashing up his flat' A grown man admiting he had a fight with his 16 year old daughter! He has no idea how wrong and serious this is! Most of the time he is ok but that isn't good enough.

• DD (normally a daddy's girl) admitted he is usually like he used to be but sometimes sad looking and angry. maybe you are right - he is realising buggering off hasn't made him happy etc. I hope he IS sufffering.

• I have decided against a cleaner. I'm going to try to get motivated and hope cleaning the house will be theraputic and give me back a feeling of 'control'. I'd like to think he is feeling guilty but doubt it.

• Meant to be seeing solicitor on Feb 8th but waiting for proof of benefits. My fault I've been procrastinating. Very stupid of me and I'm annoyed at myself. I can afford to pay for one appointment so may just do that. I'll see...

DD cleverly suggested I take photos of her bruised arm. I'll also print off his email admitting to it - as evidence. There is no way he could accuse her of self-harming because the bruising is on the back of her right arm. She self harms on her left fore arm. DS is so fed up with DD I think he sort of understands why Twat lost his temper - not that it is right ofcourse. DD and I are seeing family therapist on Monday and will show her the bruises. Surely it's child abuse? Surely she'll have to take it further? If Twat is stopped from seeing DC - guess who DD will blame? Me.

Events today have taken away more of my 'old love' for him and hopefully will help me detach and stop longing for him to come home etc. I just can't believe what he has allowed himself to sink to. Just because he is having a mid life crisis, it does not excuse his behaviour today. Even if I was kind and referred to it as a sort of 'breakdown' there is no excuse.

Bin I wish your husband could go and kick the shit out of Twat - anyone who beats a child (I don't think that is an exaggeration) is a coward imo and needs sorting out. If ever he does come crawling back to me, I'll remember the bruises on DD's arm and tell him where to go

Thankyou for your support - much appreciated x

Hi Where, read your post and think that that is truly awful behavior from xh.

He sounds totally irresponsible IMHO. I would talk to your DDs people about it and your solicitor. So difficult as you need him to be sensible around your DC and you also need him to give you a break.

Is there anyone you know who could talk with him and help him to understand what is appropriate behavior?

Hi IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt Thanks for your post. Hope you are ok.

You are right in everything you have written.

There is only his sister but I have no contact with her (don't know her phone number/address). I think he would listen to her but I doubt he'd tell her everything he gets up to so I don't know what to do.

I'm sure he knows he was out of order re DD but I doubt he sees the problem with letching/chatting up women with DC around. I think he feels he is entitled to what he wants - no one elses business, least of all his families' (in his deluded mind).

Can't wait for family Therapy appointment tomorrow morning.x

Bloody hell Where - just caught up with your thread. This is appalling behaviour from your H, and great advice from Bin, as ever. So glad you have family therapy where you can talk about it tomorrow.

Take care.

Hi where, hi fire just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow where, get it all out on the table as they need to hear how this man is affecting your dd's health.

All the best and a big hug x

Thanks Bin I made a mistake - it is an appointment for twat and me (not DD). I shall not hold back...

You go for it! And don't forget to take in your evidence.

And do do tell them about him chatting up women with his dd listening.

Will be thinking of you. And hope you get some support and practical help for yourself x