Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Yes, very fustrating!

There is literaly nothing we can do - we have to sit back and let them get on with it. Let time heal them whilst time heals us - seperatly.

I do wonder if some of these men 'get stuck' in the 'Replay' stage, especially if on a superficial level they are successful with younger girl friends etc. I could take a long time for the Awakening to occur.

Reading this I almost felt sorry for twat but there is no excuse because his avoidance personality meant he didn't deal with the whole situation - just let it drift on and let himself get carried by the tide of it all (if that makes sense).

Certainly reading about the feelings of 'entitlment' and spousel blame is very familiar and comforting - allbeit unfair.

Twat is still angry but definately still in the Replay stage. He has run away and says what he does from now on is none of my business. He definately feels it is 'his time' now - after being lumbered with looking after his family.

I can't wait for the 'awakening' to occur - not holding my breadth. Like you say, when they come through this, it is likely to be too late - for the extent of the damage and time involved may be too great for reconciliation etc.

This has turned into a bit of an over-tired nonsensical ramble... That article has made all the difference to my understanding and saved me lots of self blame and given me hope for an end to this 'madness'

I need to mn stalk you Firepile

Hi Where

And Hi Fire and Bin :)

RE the isolated feeling after reaching out - Yes it has happened to me - with self help groups, with some forms of nhs support, sometimes but not always with the Samaritans ( depends who you get) and with various mismatched and inexperienced therapists.

But when I did through sheer bloody minded persistence borne of desparation, find the right person, it helped me to transform everything. With a few simple words she could put my world to rights and enable me to decide what course of action to take. She never directed me to do anything. Amazing. I matured hugely in our time together.

But I will never ever forget that awful icy loneliness. It does pass, Where, and you are doing all the right things.

And MN is a very good resource. We all need a soft place to fall don't we.....

Love
Bella
x

Cheers and good night ladies xx

Have just read this thread from start to finish. Where, you seem an amazingly strong person considering all you have had to go through with the Twat.

It may not seem like it, but in comparison to your posts on the first few pages compared to now you seem to be geting stronger and stonger as each day passes despite the fact it is still very early days for you.

I have nothing but admiration for you and hope your DCs are keeping OK, especially your daughter.

As another poster recently said, be kind to yourself. Its something I've started saying to myself a lot lately and it does help.

Hi Bella I admire your persistance and glad it finally paid off with you finding someone who sounds amazing. I really hope the intense loneliness passes...can't see how at the moment...x

FaffTastic wow - you read the whole thread? Thankyou for your interest. Thanks for your kind words. It has been 1 month today since it happened (worst month of my life) so I supose it is still early days. Thankyou for your perspective re me getting stronger.xx

Hi, please help me get a more mature perspective on this.

DD and I talked about going to see The Kings Speach today. Twat comes round in his new car that he is test driving (trading down) and DD has chosen to go and see the film with him, his sister and neice instead. I am sooo upset and jealous. I should be pleased DD is having contact with her aunt (who has never shown much interest in her in the past)and cousin but feel so jealous.

I know it is immature and selfish, but please can you help me 'get a grip' of this situation?

DS doesn't want to do anything except play on his Xbox - twat bought him a new game yesterday.

Sad that happened, you just have to shrug it off where, and let him and his family play their one upmanship game today.

Next time, book the tickets online as you are discussing it, so it is an arrangement and it is agreed you are going together with 2 tickets. Then if he suggests you say, sorry the tickets are already booked, it would be wasting money not to use them now, besides dd and I want to have a nice time together.

If you are calm enough perhaps now is the time to talk/email about parenting time and how you will divide it up, if he doesn't want to stick to an agreement, do remind him that this is what he has caused, by splitting up the family, this is how it must be done as a direct result of his actions, so wouldn't it be easier and cheaper to try and sort it out like mature adults, rather than involve a solicitor? And stick to it?

Do his family know all about the 22 year old and the £25000 incidentally op? Had he told them?

Where of course it isnt immature and selfish to feel like that you dont need to get a grip just have a sob and shake yourself down and chin up etc.

Unfortunatley it does take time to deal impartially with these kinds of situations and until you do you just have to suck up the pain.

Trust me when I say there will come a time when things like that dont affect you and well done for already recognising its nice for your dd to spend time with him and his family.

Are there any good films on TV you could watch to distract yourself with a nice coffee and some chocolate ?

I wish I was back in England and nearby where, I can't find it on in any cinema in Switzerland, and if I did no beggar wants to see it with me!

And I'd have gone halves on a family bar of fruit and nut with you.

What about your friend who came round the other day? Would she like to go with you?

Thankyou SO much for your replies. I'm afraid I did send an email to his blackberry saying 'I bet you are all feeling SMUG' and he replied 'no I wanted the day to myself but we have to do what the kids want don't we'.

Just spoke to ds and twat told him yesterday about the cinema so I think my dd knew but didn't/couldn't tell me. She knew I was going to take her...

I supose I'm also pissed off (and ) he is having a nice time out with family and I don't feel he deserves it. I want to have family to go to the cinema with! Bin I know he has told his sister about the 22 year old and she warned him off this girl (so he says) but I don't know if he's mentioned the £25,000.

I didn't think to ask my friend about the film. Just as she was leaving dd said she could see it again with me another day

Maybe one day in the future, especially if I get on PGCE, I'll be wanting him to take dc out at the weekends...

I don't care how great he thinks he is; he is still a part time father

Thankyou very much for helping me see sense - again

He wanted the day to himself did he? I'm sure your daughter would love a day out with her dad being enforced on his part as just something he had to do, rather than I miss my kids like my breath itself and every moment with them is appreciated now.

Cockfag!

Next time don't give him the satisfaction sweetie. Type the text, walk away then come back and delete it after 10 mins clarity.

Now ask your friend!

LOL thanks Bin xx

'Don't you hear any voices cryin'?
That's the sound of my love dyin'
Here comes the rain

You don't know how to play the game
And you cheat, you lie
You don't even know how to say goodbye
You make me wanna cry'

BUT not forever you fucker!

Hi Where - how are things going with you?

Hi Firepile, how are you? Lovely to hear from you.

Things are ok -ish.

Family therapy was a bit difficult yesterday. DD was ok but twat was winging on about how in our 21 year relationship he has had to always keep quiet and let me have my own way with everything because he didn't want to risk upsetting me or making me angry and he's finally had enough and wants to be his own person etc etc. I didn't know what to think about that. I decided later yesterday he was making up stupid excuses. He denied it was midlife crisis (despite lots of evidence) so he is just transmitting blame onto me to justify his behaviour.

DD and I were on the way to her 'anorexia meeting' this morning but the car broke down on the motorway slip-road . I phoned him to collect dd and take her to school (had to rearrange appointment and didn't want her hanging around on the side of the road with cars whizzing by). He gave me some money incase I needed a taxi from garage. Luckily the car was fixed (had to wait nearly 2 hours for assistance to arrive, mind you, but very relieved).

Thanks for your message x

Hi there Where,

Sorry that family therapy was difficult yesterday. If it is any consolation, that is pretty much what my H is saying about me. As you know, I am convinced that he is also having a MLC. Did somebody mention scripts?

I struggle with hearing him say these things, and try and hang on to the fact that I was there and I know that it isn't true, but it is very hard to keep doing that. And he is so angry with me about everything.

But keep reminding yourself about the twatty way he is behaving - that helps me to remember the it is all about him, and nothing to do with me.

Sounds like you had a bit if an adventure earlier, but you must be relieved not to have conked out on the MWay itself. At least the twat turned up to collect DD, and finally that both you and car are OK. Did she miss her anorexia meeting?

Thanks for your reply Firepile

Your ex and mine sound rather too similar. I keep reading that link re stages and it also reminds me it is all about him like you say...

Yes, he did the right thing re DD. He isn't angry towards DC - just wants to be away from me and the stresses of family life etc.

I've just taken DS dwarf hamster to be put to sleep - bad timing (and £38!).

As a result from the Ed Psych meeting yesterday, DS is going to have support from school and they mentioned something about support for the whole family.

Got to keep reminding myself it is not my fault like you say

Oh I meant to say - we have rearranged meeting. It really stressed DD out.

Do you think your ex will come out of his MLC? If he came to terms with things and is remorseful, do you imagine he'll want you back? Would there be any possibility of a reconcilliation?

Hi Where, I've just read your thread, I think you're being unbelievably strong. You're coping with a life changing upheaval and of course you're finding it difficult! He's a twat and you know that so I won't labour the point!

Are your friends being more supportive now?

I'm glad you're getting support from here, hopefully your counselling will come through soon..

Did you mention you used to be a teaching assistant? If you are thinking of doing a PGCE then some "work experience" in some local schools might help you in that area, obviously if you've done the work before you know what you're in for but it could help you get motivated and active? As you know you'll need to do a CRB check (if yours has expired) (which takes a few weeks, but apart from that schools are very open to the help, especially if you're experienced, and it looks good on the application.

Where in the country are you?

Stay strong! x

Hi Where,

Sorry to hear about hamster - animal sadness Not Helpful just now, I iamagine. Am surprised it costs £38 to out them down though.

Glad that DS is getting some support - sounds like that will help him. How do you feel about the idea of "support for the whole family"?

Wrt to my H and his MLC. I love him, and I miss him, and I desparately want him to come home. I would consider reconciliation, if he was prepared to do the work to understand what had happened and why, and to protect us against it ever happening again.

But...

A number of people have told me that having a crisis does not excuse bad bahaviour. Behaving the way that your H and my H have behaved is simply not acceptable, regardless of the pressures in their own lives, and their mental health / hormone issues.

I am starting to recognise that my H's behaviour is an extreme version of the selfishness and dishonesty that he was actually displaying throughout our 10 year relationship. That selfishness and dishonesty is not all right.

I am trying really hard to reconcile myself to the fact that I can't control whether he comes out of it or not - it seems that some do, but many don't and are irreparably changed (for the worst) by the whole experience. There doesn't seem to be any rationale about what camp they fall into. And no amount of wishing and hoping and wanting and pleading is going to influence the outcome.

My (wise) counsellor says that I will have moved on by the time he regrets leaving, if he ever does.

I really think the most sensible strategy is the hardest one - we have to assume that they have gone, accept that they aren't coming back, and get on with our lives without them.

And start to recognise that - however much we love them - we deserve to be with people who do not treat us this way.

Believe me, I wish that things were different.

Thankyou Aims80. I used to be a parent helper then TA (did CLANSA) but in primary and I hope to teach secondary so I should really get some relevant experience (thanks for reminding me about CRB). Can't face doing much atm but need to complete personal statement and apply to uni - too overwhelming but it needs to be done. I must say ['say'] the kindness of the ladies on here has been wonderful on many levels and feel guilty I can not fully repay their kindness. xx

ps, I'm in the South East of England.

Firepile That is so depressing; some of these men don't come out of MLC and are irreparably changed for the worst. If I'm honest I keep hoping twat will one day travel through this selfish journey and gain some emotional intelligence and one day be mortified at his behaviour. It is that thought/hope that has kept me going lately. He used to be SO kind and loving (not shown any hint of this selfishness in the past 21 years) so my justification for his behaviour is it is 'out of character'. I think after the stress of today, I'm feeling extra anxious about the future and how I'm going to cope alone. I also know you are right; there is no excuse for their atrocious behaviour and we deserve to be with someone who treats us better. It is easy to cling onto hope of regaining what is familiar rather than thinking about the uncertainty of the future.

I know there is nothing we can do and I know we have to move on with our lives but it is so hard to come to terms with

I'm so scared about the future...being alone...earning enough money...being healthy enough to work...I'm finding it too overwhelming...

PS i don't think twat is ever going to admit his age/he is getting older so I can't imagine he'll ever come through this MLC. I think he is going to stay as he is - possibly for the rest of his life.

I don't really know how to build a life for myself, especially as I am so lonely and isolated atm.

MN is my support. can't wait for counselling to begin

Hi Where,

I am so sorry. I know what you mean, and I am sorry if you feel worse because of my post. It is depressing, and I am still really struggling with it 5 months into this. Like you, I want my H to come to his senses, and become the loving, kind, fun person I remember.

In the first few months after he left, I spent a lot of time in my "Denial Space". It felt so much safer to focus on the possibility that he would come back than to face the future without him. I found it quite literally unbearable to think that he wasn't coming back for anything longer than the briefest periods. And I still have times when I feel like I am looking down on the mess that is my new life, and thinking "how the fuck did that happen?"

And I can relate to the fear about the future, too. All of the things you have said terrify me too.

But I look around at other people who have come through bad times, and sorted things out, and have happy lives and happy children. And I think, maybe things will be OK, even if I don't know how to get there, I just have to get through the next bit, that's all.

Stay strong, Where. We are all rooting for you.

I meant to add - the most important thing about MLC (and one of the hardest things to accept) is that there is nothing that anybody else can do to sort it out. The person has to work it out themselves.

Firepile I know you are right. Still reeling from shock

I imagine we need to have faith that we can be happy again in the future - we just don't know when/how/who with etc etc xxx