Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Hi Where

Glad to see you are still enduring, especially with teh added stresses of the car and the hammy death :(

I think you are being remarkably strong, I really do.

Take good care.

Bella

Thanks Bella

Hope you are well x

Hi Where .

I think you are doing brilliantly all things considered.

And now we have passed the most depressing day of the year (yesterday), the only way is up.

Thanks IfYourHappyAndYouKnoeIt

I think we are all pleased yesterday has passed

Going to concentrate my online browsing on learning how to move forward...

Hi where,

Hope you are well. Sounds like you had a heck of a few days....but you know what - you're still standing and sounding stronger than ever on here.

Have faith in yourself, and know that whatever noise your husband is making, you have only ever tried to do the best for your family.

From what you have said about the therapy, his conversations seem to start with me, me, me, me, I want, I'm not happy etc. The therapist may pick that up and shock him a bit if she gives feedback.

Okay every one gets in a slump and perhaps after a few years you take people for granted, but if he had any balls he could have stood up and said, I'm not happy, we need to relook at the relationship, I cannot carry on like this.

He seemed to skip this part, ignore any nagging doubts for his whole family and his lifetime commitments and move straight on to the trouble free ( so he thinks) fun live for the moment 22 yr old bank account draining harpy. And we know he is living in denial but he wouldn't even consider the fact that this girl was using him for his money like a cash transaction.

You need time to grieve for your relationship, it is a huge loss, so it will take time, but you will get over it. I know you are asking questions about the hope that perhaps he will see his behaviour for what it is and have some realisation. Is there a tiny bit of you that would welcome him back?

This may be easier for short term security, but it will be hell believe me, you will never trust this man properly again and that is no way to live your life, wondering where he is, feeling sick if you don't recognise a receipt in his pocket on laundry day etc. The stress will make you feel sick and you won't be the person you could become and have the future you deserve. As there are no guarantees of his behaviour you will always be waiting to it to happen again and that pressure is unmanageable.

Take things a day at a time and keep looking after your family. How are things moving with the solicitor?

Wishing you well, but am in hotel with dodgy wifi at the moment, so a bit in and out!

The day you wake up and post on here that you feel good and positive about what the day brings will, I think, be repayment in buckets for everyone checking in on you. You are a nice person and you deserve the support x

Thankyou Bin How are you? What is your job?

I'm not sure how convinced I am that he has been unhappy with me for years - I don't think I'm in denial about this.

He is living in denial - completely denies he is having a midlife crisis (everything he does/wears etc screams midlife crisis) and I'm really hoping the therapist gets through to him - but I doubt it. He'll be defensive and won't want to acknowledge anything uncomfortable. I am grateful for the therapy though and it gives me hope.

This is all about him - like Firepile reminds me. We have had a stressfull couple of years with DD being hospitalised and his mum passing away (already lost his dad). He simply can't face getting old and his anger/dissatisfaction with the situation/his life is placed upon me (unfairly). If I'm honest I do want him back but only because I'm so terrified about the future - finanically and fear of being lonely. At the moment the stress of living with him (as you've mentioned) would be worth it. I just can't see any kind of future at the moment. day to day I'm so lonely and isolated.

Got an appointment with a sol at the begining of February.

I can't express how much I have needed and appreciated all the support from you lovely kind ladies on mn. One day I hope to post: 'No longer a dumpling!'

Hey where,

I'm fine thanks how has the week been for you? Is your husband having the dc's this weekend or do you have any plans to do anything with them?

I am in global planning for a lifestyle retailer, so I live in Switzerland but once a month have to stay in dodgy german hotel in middle of nowhere to visit another office. It's a good job, but I miss my son desperately as I was a SAHM ly following redundancy and I bloody loved it!

Now my dh is a SAHD.

So have you heard anything on the counselling? How are you coping on the AD's now - are they starting to work for you? I remember the ones I was on made me very sleepy at first but that bottomed out eventually, and actually your body needs the sleep, you just can't switch off the anxiety to do so?

Did you manage the meeting for your dd this week? You've such a lot on your plate but you are coping well.

Keep making lists to help you see out of the fugg!

Hi Bin thanks for your message.

Twat is allocating 1 day to the children at the weekend. Don't know what I'm going to do with them on the other day. We are so socially isolated and haven't got a lot of money. It's harder now they are older as they don't like dog walks etc.

Got a counselling meeting on Monday at the hospital. Also being sent some info re marriage counselling. Obviously too late to save marriage but should help with coming to terms with things.

Not feeling quite as desperate as I was so thinking the prozac is begining to work. Still waking up at 4am but atleast I can drift back off to sleep now.

So long as the DC are ok (and twat keeps paying the mortgage and bills) then nothing can be worse than the past month

Hi Where - haven't been online for a couple of days, but so glad to see that you are feeling better and have counselling in the offing. I hope that it all goes well. I have really valued my relate sessions...
How are you feeling today?

Hi Firepile, how are you? Thankyou for your message.

I'm still obsessing over MLC articles - I know it is stupid but it brings me comfort.

I hope I'm over the worst of the hurt/shock etc etc now. My main priority has to be the DC trying to do the besst I can for them (like all mums do). So long as he keeps working and paying the mortgage then I'll cope.

I'm also hoping the counselling will help re coming to terms with things and enable me to make a happy life for myself (and dc ofcourse).

I'm afraid I do take comfort from knowing he probably isn't happy and one day he may realise that whatever he does on a superficial level to put right his current unhappiness, isn't actually going to make a great deal of difference. he can't run away from himself - only hide in denial. I want him to realise running away from me to find happiness is not going to magically solve his problems.

Hopefully by then I'll have moved on with my life

Just realised I sound like a money grabber re him paying the mortgage

Hi Where,

I totally get where you are soming from on the MLC articles - I did that a lot too. I don't thin it is stupid. I thin it is rooted in wanting to understand what the hell has happened and why. And let's face it, we are not getting the answers from them.

And you don't sound like a moneygrabber at all about the mortgage stuff. One of the horrific things when they just run off to live some kind of fantasy life is that we are left looking at how to keep our family's head above water financially... It is terrifying that these practical issues seem not to occur to them at all.

We have to think this stuff through, because if we don't the whells really will come off!

Totally agree with you about hoping for the day when he wakes up and realises how much he has fucked everything up, btw...

Eek, typos!

Hi ladies,

Wow where, I think you should take great strength from your writing style, you sound much stronger this week.

Of course you would analyse, it helps to make the situation real and is for your understanding more than his. If it helps you get ahead and see what his next disillusioned moves will be it will make you stronger.

And you are still entitled to grieve a little for the life you thought you had.

He has to pay the mortgage, and you are entitled to live in the house until the kids are 18 I think. But a good solicitor will sort all of that out. And if he can't cope with paying for the family home and his little "batchelor pad" then he'll have to give it up and live at his mums won't he? That will make him relive his youth a bit anyhow!

You sacrificed a career to enable him to go out while you reared the family. He is only putting pressure on you now because if you got a job you would help free him of his responsibility. God forbid he probably has an open top sports car or something equally ridiculous in mind for the dream of this youth revival. It wouldn't surprise me. And by paying for his family he can't get out there like an old cock amongst the young chicks can he?

Have you reviewed your benefits online to see about any entitlement? It would be difficult to start a new job at the mo with your family counselling and dd's appointments wouldn't it? Through no choice of your own you would hardly be a motivated employee at the moment would you?

If noise from him is causing your concern then block it out or tell him not to talk to you unless it is about the dc's.

Oh and he has assumed that you will remain the sole carer then had he? Nice, allocating time to his kids, the same way people allocate time to their housework.

God I hope so much you will end up with the life you deserve where, even if it is hard to see now. And we'll be with you as much as we can on this won't we fire?

Even in our nighties!

And indeed my unflattering socks, Bin.

Don't worry fire I look a bloody fright today, too. Haven't brushed my hair all day, old holey pants, baggy old t shirt, panda eyes.

Hardly the Boden mums everyone thinks were are!

Hi Firepile and Bin - you haven't seen my slippers! (no wonder he buggered off. LOL)

Seriously, thankyou SO much for your continued support. I can't tell you how much you have helped

Just spoken to twat on the phone. He has had DS this afternoon and just trying to arrange when he can see DD tomorrow. He said "I don't know what my plans are for tomorrow. I'll let you know in the morning" When I challenged him on fitting DD around his plans he virtually shouted at me. I asked "why are you getting so defensive?" and he replied "you're winding me up" Just about says it all. Having all the articles to read gives me the understanding I need not to take his behaviour personally and know why he has changed so much. Like I wrote in the above post, every time I'm feeling really down about the situation, I remember he probably isn't too happy or if he is enjoying his freedom atm, one day he'll be in deep depression when he realises he he really isn't 44 as he pretends (moron) and running away from me hasn't ssolved his unhappiness but added to it. He can't escape from himself!

Bin he has been to a solicitor and told him whats what. If DS goes to university, he'll have to keep paying even longer! He confirmed the £25,000 he spent on the gold digger will have to come out of his share of the house (ha!) His mum died a couple of years ago (which probably added to his MLC) so unfortunately he has no parents now to live with.

It would be hard to find work with all the appointments during the week. The stupid thing is, I find myself feeling guilty for being at home! I have to give myself a talking to and think about what he has done. I think I'm just worried about money even though it's his fault. The more money I earn, the less he'll have to give us, and the more he's got to waste spend buying totty so he can pretend he is virile and hot. We've got him sussed, haven't we? He has changed the mortgage so he is only paying the interest not the actual repayments. I'm very powerless in this whole situation.

I'm claiming Employment Support Allowance(cos of depression)when I've got the doctors note and waiting for a form to send off for tax credits. I find it very complicated applying for bennefits.

There is no doubt I am going to be the main carer - it is what he's had planned, isn't it? Like you said Bin, so he can live a life of a twenty year old (or childless 44 year old) and fit in seeing the DC around his plans. I'm hoping people he knows think he is being a selfish twat. Everyone at work knows he has an ill daughter and if they know he's left his family, well, it don't look good does it? He can fool himself, but not every body else.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a written ramble. I'll keep glugging down the liquid Prozac and counting my blessings.

Why depend on a man for our happiness, anyway?

So he started on the phone and you totally took control of the conversation by asking him about his defensive attitude?

You absolute bloody star!!!!!!

Yes you don't need to rely on a man for happiness, but once you know where your life is going you will find little bits of joy. And you deserve joy after this creep.

Oh thanks Bin I never thought of it that way

Time...

karma...

happiness {smile]

Oops

So glad to see you feeling so much better, Where! And I agree with Bin. Well done on standing up to him, and not internalising his reinvented narrative.

Good to see that the articles are helping. It does make it easier once you can see what they are doing, doesn't it? Otherwise you just keep questioning your sanity (or at least I did).

You're not alone in finding benefits complicated - are you managing to get the applications in? (Complex things bring out my inner procrastinator. Actually most things can do that, but complex things are worst.)

I am off for an early night and some cold drugs, but will catch up soon.

Cold drugs?

Father of the Year hasn't heard from 'someone' today so has allocated a couple of hours to take DD for a Starbucks because she was the first person to call him. She is just thrilled to be seeing her dad.

He is still in the 'replay' stage trying to be young by means of OW/girls. He obviously didn't learn with the gold digger. Maybe he's remembering how great he felt being with her and wants to feel that great again. Just got to let him get on with it. Hope he keeps getting dumped when these girls realise he hasn't got an endless supply of money and can't manage much an erection (especially with a condom). The fact he has children won't put them off cos he'll put OW before them

Regarding the bennefits forms - I just fill them in the best I can, send them off and hope for the best. I am the same re procrastination.

wherecanihide x

Hi there Where

and Fire and Bin :)
Have just caught up with things on your thread.

You are doing so, so well, Where, I am really impressed with how you are deling with Twat as well as organising help and support. You're a star.

By the way I think Fire was not thinking of putting cannabis in the fridge but referring to something like Lemsip, or the really hard stuff, like Night Nurse

Though I may be wrong of course ;)

Yep Bella - defintely more decongestant and paracetemol than anything more interesting. I am clearly going to have work on my chat if I ever find anyone willing to go on such a thing as a date with me....

Poor DS has been largely ignored today while I snoozed on sofa. He is bearing up in spite of neglect (and thanks to some nutella on toast).

You are sounding so much better, Where.

Hi Bella how are you? Lovely to hear from you - thanks.

Not feeling so positive this afternoon. The DC have been fighting and managing it on my own is no fun. I sort of left them to get on with it, to be truthful

Twat said he'd explain to DD why he left so DD didn't continue to blame me - but ofcourse he didn't.

LOL the cold drugs