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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on online dating chat sites

613 replies

WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 10:27

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

OP posts:
BellaMagnificat · 23/01/2011 18:03

Are you feeling any better today then Fire?

Firepile · 23/01/2011 18:29

Hi Bella and Where,

I am OK. It's just a cold, really, but it is a bit of a tiring, heavy-headed kind of thing.

On the other hand, I do feel a bit like I have turned a corner emotionally. Not nearly so down as I have been since he left. I have been out and about a bit more than usual, and have seen some lovely friends this week, which has probably helped. Plus, I think I am genuinely detaching from H.

But enough about me - Where - it sounds like H is behaving very badly wrt to your DD. The dynamic sounds very unfortunate, if she is blaming you, and he is enabling that. It sounds very manipulative, and must be a nightmare for you.

How is DS? Do you have any sense about what he thinks is going on?

The fighting sounds less than ideal too - but I guess that it's almost inevitable that kids will fight.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 23/01/2011 18:58

Hi Firepile Gald you are feeling ok re cold. Unlike Bella I'm too self absorbed to even ask...

I'm so pleased for you re feeling better and detaching from h. It must be great to feel you have turned that corner - it can only get better now surely...?

I asked the DC id twat explained to them why he left - they looked puzzled and said 'no'. When I emailed him about this he replied that he did tell me not to blame me and he left for his own reasons. He continues to lie Angry

I think I need to have a talk with DS to see what he thinks is going on. I'm feeling guilty for not talking to him more about it. He is so uncommunicative - but that is no excuse for me to avoid trying...

I think if I 'only' had DD, I would never believe she'd be capable of such meaness that she shows to her brother. Mind you, her problem has been OCD related cos she thinks he smells Hmm

I will use you as my inspiration Fire that things will continue to get better/easier...

OP posts:
Original poster
WherecanIhide · 23/01/2011 18:59

OOps typos - why isn't there spell-checker on mn? Grin

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/01/2011 21:26

My dh's ex would blame him for everything that went wrong to the dc's, tell them he didn't love them, he hated them etc and though he was giving money and paying for the house she would worry them about things like telling them there was not enough food in the house (but apparently enough to get new boots and a manicure).

So my dh went around and sat them all down in the living room with her there, and explained the situation, that he loved them but that he didn't love their mum any more and that they would be happier apart etc. She couldn't get out of it, and would have looked stupid if she started all the nonsense.

I know you are in a different situation, but I wonder if you should do something similar, so they know what is going on, that it will be how things are, and if they have any questions they want to ask you both?

then he can't squirm out of it, you look in control and you do it calmly? And then they also get an opportunity to ask some questions?

I know it doesn't work for everyone but he is shirking out of his responsibilities.

Oh and tell him that you don't need a blow by blow account of his sordid love life. If he has time for his dc's then fine, but fgs you don't need to know the sad detail of his failing dating life. And remind him that he is still married and should try to carry himself with a level of decorum that befits his advancing years especially around his children.

Not fair that he seems like he is boasting around you. Does he want you to be happy for him?

Sorry where, but I could shake him for you I really could.

Hi Bella, hi fire hope you are feeling better?

Firepile · 25/01/2011 22:05

Hi Where - how was your counselling meeting at the hospital yesterday? And how are things going otherwise?

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 26/01/2011 10:32

Hi, thanks for your messages.

Feeling down-in-the-dumps again.

A chap actually came to my house so I didn't have to go to the hospital. He said he didn't think I needed the MAST team cos I seemed ok Confused. I'm feeling so alone again/scared about the future etc etc.

Exchanging emails with twat re children and he is being nice, but I'm giving him space/time and still assuming we'll end up divorced.

Feeling so alone and lonely

OP posts:
Firepile · 26/01/2011 15:01

Oh Where, that sounds grim. So sorry that they haven't recognised how low you are feeling. How do you get on with your GP? IS there anyone in your DD's team that you can talk to?

If it is any help, I went to the GP repeatedlly in the first few weeks after my H left. He refused to prescribe ADs, saying that "my problem wasn't medical" and that I needed to draw on my friends and family to get me through. As it turns out, I did get through, but it was very frightening to think I was going to have to do this on my own. And I wasn't suicidal, but I did want to die quite a lot of the time, thoughts that were too dark for me.

I really don't now how I would have coped without my relate counsellor (who I am still seeing) and my very patient friends, including the ones in different timezones who helped me through the nights.

You have spoken about relationship counselling - is that still going ahead? Can you get that process happening now?

Please don't be scared. Or at least, don't let the fear overwhelm you. You have achieved so much already, and I promise you will get to the other side of this horrendous situation.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 26/01/2011 16:13

Thanks Firepile.

I do have a number for a Relate type counselling service but they are miles away. I supose I could phone them...

Going to see family therapist on my own on Monday which could be helpful. It'll be the DC together the next week.

DD's team are good but not really there for me in the way that I need. They are there in relation to DD but I need someone for me.

Your GP sounds useless and I can't imagine what planet he is from Confused.

I keep getting 'I can't believe this has happened' feelings. There is just a huge imbalance of stress I'm feeling versus support I'm recieving. You kind ladies on mn have been wonderful and I don't know how I'd have managed without you, but I feel I need so much more to keep on top of things. I can't seem to imerse myself in being a good mum - it's all too much. I don't feel I have the emotional energy for my poor children - and they need me more than ever.

Twat has been emailing about having dc over at his to sleep for 1 night each and seeing them on their own for half a day each at the weekends. I supose that's good.

I keep reading the articles to gain some comfort. Can't move on from that.

I'm stuck in such a rut. Only I can get myself out of it yet feel too down to do anything about it hence feel worse - and completely hopeless

OP posts:
ddrmum · 26/01/2011 16:28

Oh wherecanihide, could read n run. Went through similar myself middle of last year. Ex was on the on strings site and my gut tells me that he he did cheat - there were other problems too tho. It's tough, but you'll be OK whatever the outcome. Start thinking about what is best for you and dcs and try not to let him call the shots. I call my exH the 'smiling assassin' - nice to my face then reports me to every agency going, even they won't take his calls anymoreGrin! I know it feels hopeless sometimes esp when DC are fighting and bickering, but it will pass. The folks on here are the kindest, wisest & most honest you could wish to talk to, so keep talking. It helped me more than I can say. Good luck and stay strong. Big hugs xxx

ddrmum · 26/01/2011 16:28

Sorry!!! meant could NOT read n run.......

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 26/01/2011 16:47

Thanks ddrmum

OP posts:
Firepile · 26/01/2011 20:45

Hi Where,

You are doing really well, and you will be fine. I think it is really easy to find sticks to beat ourselves with when something like this happens. I certainly did - and do.

You really are not alone, I obsess over websites, I sob, I phone people, I do nothing for hours and hours at a time, I feel like a crap mother. This is all normal stuff. It is what people do when horrible things have happened in their lives and they can't explain it.

But the way you are describing how you feel sounds like depression to me, although I am no expert. Have you been able to tell your GP you feel this way? It sounds to me as though you really do need more support than you are getting - and understandably so, btw. Now is the time to relly fight for it, I think!

My counsellor told me that I have to be nicer to myself - and tell myself what I would tell a friend going through the same thing. Would that help you to be easier on yourself?

I really would recommend Relate if you can get there at all, as well.

Take care.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 26/01/2011 21:30

Thanks Firepile

Time...

OP posts:
Firepile · 26/01/2011 21:39

... it does help, you know Where - really it does. You just need to grit your teeth and get through the next bit.

Firepile · 26/01/2011 21:42

I say "just" - I mean that it is enough to get through the next bit, not that it is an easy thing to do.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 26/01/2011 21:45

Yeah I know what you are saying Firepile. It is a matter exisiting/surviving each day until things begin to improve.

OP posts:
Firepile · 26/01/2011 21:53

Yes, that's it, Where.

And keep clinging to the fact that it won't always feel like this.

I keep telling myself that I will be happy again. I knwo that this must be true, but I am not sure that I feel it yet.

gettingeasier · 26/01/2011 21:57

Hi Where sorry been bogged down in my stuff but just wanted to say its ok at this stage to simply survive nothing more or less like Firepile says (great advice from Firepile in general). Keep going sweetie

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 27/01/2011 15:12

Many thanks Sad

OP posts:
Resolve · 27/01/2011 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 27/01/2011 15:32

Thanks Resolve - don't have skype

OP posts:
Firepile · 27/01/2011 16:39

Hi Where,

Any better today? (I have been mostly weeping, so am hoping that you are doing better than me!)

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 27/01/2011 17:01

Oh Firepile, I'm so sorry you have had an awful day. Any reason for feeling so bad today? Did everything simply feel overwhelming?

I went to LearnDirect to begin maths GCSE equivalent. It took all my mental strength to get dressed etc but I did it. I can't say I enjoyed it - I'm crap at maths, couldn't concentrate and found it depressing. On the way home I popped into Argos (got hoover bags - too dull for words), got back in the car and just sobbed.

Firepile, do you feel any better now?

OP posts:
Firepile · 27/01/2011 21:06

Hi Where, It all just got a bit on top of me.

Well done you on getting to the LearnDirect people. Especially to do maths! My recurrant nightmare is about having to sit maths alevel without having gone to any of the classes...

I am very impressed that you are doing this.